|
Advice to a Parent on Reducing Harm to a Child Druing Divorce
(provided by Peter M. Walzer, Esq.)
The Do's and Don'ts of a Divorce
October 9, 199_
Mr. Frank Fathersby
123 Fourth Street
Salinas, CA 93901
RE: Martha Mothersby v. Frank Fathersby
Monterey County Superior Court Case No. DR 11111
Dear Frank:
I have written you this letter to explain ways in which you can help reduce the harm your son Keith suffers during your divorce from Martha and, at the same time, increase your chances for obtaining a favorable result regarding your case.
If you are sometimes tempted to criticize Martha in Keith's presence, your feelings are natural. You may, in fact, have good reasons for doing so but it is important not to for this reason:
Keith will try as hard as he can to believe that his mother is a good person.
Keith needs to love Martha and needs to know that Martha loves him.
- If Keith thinks ill of his mother, it will damage his self image. He is, after all, Martha's son. If his mother is a bad person (Keith may reason), how could he be good?
- If Keith doesn't trust his mother, it will reduce his confidence in the security of his future. If his mother isn't trustworthy ( Keith may reason), his own future is seriously at risk. One thing children of divorce desperately need their confidence that they will be well cared for.
- Keith's relationship with his mother creates the foundation of his future relationships with women, and it is important that the foundation be strong.
- The more hostile Keith sees your attitude toward Martha as being, the more Keith will be placed in the middle of the conflict between Martha and you, and the more guilty he'll feel for having "caused" your marital separation. As you know, children often blame themselves for their parents' disputes.
- If Martha criticizes you to Keith but you fail to return the attack, Keith's respect for you will grow. Children are remarkably intuitive about fair treatment.
- Judges greatly disfavor parents who criticize their former partners in the presence of their children. This factor is highly relevant to the judge's determination of custody and visitation issues.
Here are some of the other Don'ts:
- Don't allow others to criticize Martha in Keith's presence.
- Don't argue with Martha in Keith's presence. Be careful not to argue during visiting exchanges.
- Don't discuss adult issues (e.g., finances or the details of your separation) with Keith or in Keith's presence.
- Don't ask Keith to deliver messages, money, or anything else to Martha.
- Don't use Keith to spy on Martha for you, or ask him to report Martha's actions to you (e.g., don't ask Keith who Martha is dating).
- Don't use visitation with Keith as a reward for Martha's good behavior, or withhold visitation as a punishment for Martha's bad behavior.
- Don't tell Keith that he will be able to choose where he wants to live. If Keith is a teenager, discuss this issue with me.
- Do assure Keith that both you and Martha still love him and that he has your full permission to continue to love Martha.
- Do assure Keith that he will be well taken care of by both you and Martha.
- Do assure Keith that your separation from Martha is not his fault.
- Do be punctual regarding all visitations.
Please maintain a confidential journal describing in detail any instances of Martha's failure to practice proper parenting. Examples of her failures include her doing any of the Don'ts described in this letter.
Sincerely,
Peter M. Walzer
Information provided by:
Peter M. Walzer, Esq. located at
http://www.california-divorce.com/
Recommended Resources:
California Divorce Source
California Divorce Laws
California Community Forum
California Divorce Resources
|
Please Read Our Disclaimer