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Who Should the Children Reside With In A Divorce?
(provided by James H. Allison, Attorney at Law)
A divorce and separation of the parents does not mean that the child is being divorced from the parents. Quite to the contrary, a caring and loving parent will nurture the child and provide a positive environment for the child, working with the child to arrange a custody and visitation schedule that is in the best interests of that child. Only in those cases where a parent is shown to be "unfit "as a parent will the court deprive that parent of visitation with the child and may order supervised parenting time.
Most courts encourage shared parenting of the child with the parents, and sometimes grandparents, so that the life of the child continues in as high a quality as possible with as few disruptions as possible. In almost every case, the inability of the parents to peacefully live together on a day to day basis results in a divorce that removes tremendous stress from each parent and the child. The child will now spend very high quality time with each individual parent on a visitation schedule that is designed to accommodate the personal work schedules and desires of each parent and the child.
The parenting time and visitation schedules will necessarily have to change as the child grows and becomes older, moving into the next, rapidly changing phase of his or her life as they move up from grade to grade in school. As the child becomes older, the dependency upon the parent is less and less and the freedom of association and discussion about life with peers will become one of the child's most important past times. Forcing a child to adhere to a strict parenting or visitation schedule with each parent can interfere with the developmental processes that each child must participate in and personally enjoy as he or she moves forward with their own personal agenda. While many courts have adopted a fixed scheduled that can be followed for parenting time and visitation, the parents and the child need the flexibility of deviating from that fixed schedule wherever appropriate in the best interests of the child so that the child's development may expand much the same as it would have with the child having the same freedoms that the child would have had without a divorce of the parents.
Young children prior to the age of 2 need an established and secure environment that provides a sense of trust for them. Many times it is more appropriate for a child of such a young age to spend most days out of each week with one parent and have brief but frequent visits with the other parent of 1-3 hours, 2-3 times per week as schedules permit. Time spent with the other parent will increase as the child adapts to the separation of the parents and becomes more secure in the arrangement. A familiar environment and daily routine is essential for a child 2 years or younger.
Overnight visitation commencing depends upon the maturity of the child and the ability of the parents to effectively communicate. If a consistently high quality parenting time and visitation schedule can be adopted, both parents and the child will greatly benefit. It is better for each parent to act as the "babysitter" for the other parent where possible, relieving each parent with the task of concentrated and full-time care of a child. Some distance and separation from the child from each parent is not only beneficial for the parent and the child, but is essential to everyone maintaining a healthy mental attitude. Periodic separations by each parent from the child can greatly improve the quality of the parenting skills and level of communications with each other. The guiding principal must be the best interests of the child at all times.
If there is open and honest communication between the parents, making decisions that are in the best interests of the child will become automatic and easy to accomplish. As the children become older, more and frequent visitation will be available and sometimes automatic as the parents and child recognize how to work with each other and cooperate on setting schedules for parenting time and visitation that is in everyone's best interests. The child's self-esteem is very important as the child progresses through elementary school, participates in extra-curricular activities, and develops friendships with peers. Both parents need to pay particular attention to school work and attend conferences with the teachers to make sure that the child is progressing normally with a healthy attitude from class to class and from year to year. Many times it is very easy to adopt such a fixed routine that a parent can ignore the needs of the child that are rapidly changing as the child progresses through the grades, particularly in elementary school and into high school. Older children can move back and forth between parent's homes with minimal stress and can actually enjoy the changes available to them provided they have the necessary support of confidence in their activities from both parents.
Adolescence will naturally begin the process of the child separating and distancing themselves from their parents, whether the parents are divorced or not. The children commence the process of sexual identification and begin to explore intimate relationships and in-depth discussions with their peers about life and what lies ahead. If the child comes from a confrontational and stressful environment whereby both parents are fighting with an obvious lack of love and trust, the child's perspective on "marriage" will be severely tainted. Children from a confrontational home life tend to shy away from any emotional attachment to the opposite sex and/or they may re-create the problems that are observed in the poor relationship that their parents exhibited.
The parents should work hard to never make the child feel that he or she is a burden with respect to certain responsibilities that must be undertaken such as trips for doctor's appointments, school events, or transportation to and from friend's houses. Both parents must share the responsibilities of all activities involving the child. If the parents have an effective and a workable means of communication, the child is less likely to be stressed or anxious when a mis-communication occurs and a parent fails to honor his or her obligation with respect to certain responsibilities involving the child's activities. If personal communication between the parents is difficult and they cannot communicate, then the parents must find other ways to achieve agreement on the sharing of responsibilities such as voice mails or telephones, e-mails, fax machines, or communications arranged by the family psychologist or Guardian Ad Litem. At no time should the parent use the child as a means of communication on any activity or issue.
The most secure environment that can be created for a child is that which allows them to continue with extra-curricular activities, have friends over after school, and live under a similar set of rules and expectations in both parent's residences.
Parents should never argue with each other in the presence of the child which results in creating additional stress for the child. Nor should a parent offer negative comments about the other parent in that parent's absence. If a parent feels that the demands of taking care of the child are too difficult to manage, then that parent should immediately consult with an experienced clinical psychologist to discuss the issues that have arisen and seek simple and meaningful ways to resolve those issues in such a way as to create an environment that is in the best interests of the child and allows the parent to function on a normal basis as a sole parent. If the child exhibits unusual behavior that is not correctable, then a good child psychologist needs to be contacted to commence working with the child on a regular basis until those problems are resolved. It is extremely important that the child be allowed to move forward with his or her life in as peaceful and stress free environment as possible, given all of the demands that will be placed upon the child in their own life among their own peers and teachers.
The bottom line for any parent is to remember that during any activities involving the child, whether it be in pursuit of a parenting time schedule and visitation, or attending school functions, or merely talking about the days events, that the parent is at all times, a role model for that child. The child will pattern his or her life and personal goals based upon what the child is exposed to and learns from each parent individually and the parents together if they are able to effectively communicate as life moves forward for each of them.
Information provided by:
James H. Allison, Attorney at Law located at
http://www.divorcesource.com/OH/DS/allison.html
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