While an affair constitutes the most devastating event for a relationship short of death, there are two potential positive outcomes:

1. Reconciliation can lead to a significantly stronger relationship, or


2. The fatal weakness in the marriage can be dealt with so that everyone’s losses are reduced.

1. Don’t take any action until you’ve decided what is in your best interests.


2. Identify and set your goals. Act in ways that leave your options open but preserve your best interests. You need a plan to proceed cautiously and carefully without turning a serious problem into a disaster.


3. Take charge of yourself by using these Do’s and Don’ts as a guide:



DO consult a family law attorney.
DON’T make threats about taking legal action.

DO keep your own counsel.
DON’T confront your partner.

DO manage your anger and negative feelings.
DON’T let powerful emotions overwhelm you.

DO think before talking
DON’T tell the children

DO consider your intentions
DON’T follow your impulses

DO maintain your integrity
DON’T try to please the perpetrator

DO have patience
DON’T expose the affair unless it’s to your advantage

DO keep silent
DON’T contact the spouse or the other party

DO act in your best interest
DON’T call your partner’s employer

DO take charge of circular thinking
DON’T drive yourself crazy asking "why?"

DO act with dignity
DON’T physically or verbally assault the betrayer