All parents want to believe that their children can cope well with a divorce or breakup. Feeling guilty, parents usually start questioning their competency as a parent. The questions, "How do I know if my children are not coping with the stress?"and "How do I know if my child needs professional help?" are worries for most parents. To help you, we have tried to offer you some guidelines below. If you have serious doubts or worries about how your children are doing, seek professional help.

We have listed below specific behaviors that will give you some idea about how your child is coping with stress. To understand how your child is doing, you must begin by remembering how your child handled past hurts and disappointments. This will give you a base line or reasonable idea about how fast your child bounces back from other disappointments and hurts. Remember that all children are different. Some children brood for months while others perk up in a couple of days. You should not use your own capacity to bounce back as a standard to compare your child with. Instead use your child’s history as a standard for what is reasonable to expect. Below are red flags that suggest that your child is not coping well with the breakup or, for that matter, any significant source of stress.

This list is not all-inclusive, but it should give you some idea about what to look for. Again, if you are worried, get professional help from a therapist that has experience with children and teens.

Not all children going through the breakup of the family need therapy. Unfortunately, some do need help. Knowing how or when to make the decision about getting your child professional help can be extremely important to your child’s overall welfare. There is less risk by being conservative and getting your child help too early than waiting for your child’s world to crumble. Maybe the guidelines below will help you make an informed decision.

Asking for help is sometimes hard because you feel embarrassed about telling a stranger about your problems. It may seem like an admission of failure or you may be afraid that you will be told, "This is all your fault." Either way, trusting someone to help and not knowing what our children will say can be scary. That is why it is important to find someone who is qualified and makes you feel comfortable.

While deciding to get counseling for your son or daughter, the first thing you will probably do is to ask the children if they want to talk to someone. This sounds reasonable, but most of the time they will say, "No." After all, children are masters of avoidance and the prospect of talking to a stranger makes them nervous. They may complain about not knowing what to say or worry about what the counselor will say to their mom or dad. Now you feel bewildered. You may not know whether to respect you children’s wishes or force them to see a counselor. The answer to that question depends upon how badly your children are behaving. If you believe your children are not coping and their behavior is getting worse, they should have no choice but to see a counselor. It is up to the counselor to work with your children’s resistance and develop rapport.