I can hear your heart pounding. It is racing. Your mind is mush. It's hard to think. Trying not to cry. You feel like crap and are worried you look like crap. Here is how your internal dialogue goes: "Oh please dear God don't let me cry in front of him, in front of her! Breathe, just breathe. What if I hyperventilate! I hope he doesn't look good. Maybe I'll see him and feel nothing. OK, my coach said just look him in the eye and ask how his trip was. I just have to remember the words. How is it possible that this man I slept next to for 18 years is a stranger? Why am I so nervous to see him? I wanted to lose another 5 pounds, shoot. I still don't understand how he can move on so fast, why does he get to be so happy when I still feel like crap? This is so unfair. OK. Just don't cry, don't let him see how upset you are."

Does this sound familiar? Can you just feel the fear? If you have already had this experience, then you know it is literally life altering. Getting past the 'first time' is such a relief. Notice I didn't say you felt instantly better, but there is a breath you can take that you did something so hard and so courageous. It feels like a real accomplishment.

There are so many 'firsts' after a separation. Seeing your spouse the first time after a long separation is one. Another is meeting the new girl/boy friend. Another is being alone in the house, sleeping alone, having holidays alone, going to visit relatives/friends alone, eating out alone, paying bills on your own, and taking your first vacation alone.

Each first time takes a tremendous amount of courage. For some people, it gets not only easier, but becomes enjoyable. For others, the struggle might last a while. That's ok; go through it at your own pace. While forward movement is great, racing through the emotional turmoil of divorce is unnecessary. But what IS important is that you take the first step. Be proud of yourself for doing something that is so difficult. Remember the book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway? That is the best advice I can give you. Author Susan Jeffers reminds us in that book that everyone feels fear and the secret to dealing with it is to just do or face whatever it is you are afraid of. In other words, NOT dealing with it, leaving it in the future to continue feeling the fear, is even worse. Taking action releases the fear.

If you know that a particular situation is coming your way, be prepared. Do your research. Look your best. Have a plan. How will you stand, what thoughts will you think? What will you do? What will you say? What will you tell yourself? For example, going to a restaurant alone is ok for me if I have a book to read. Seeing an ex at your child's baseball game is easier if you have a friend with you and if you feel good about how you look that day. Even when you are unprepared for when you will run into your ex and his/her new love interest, have a plan and know what you will say and how you will act. Do not let the fear of not knowing what you will do run your life. Become an actor and "act as if" you knew exactly what to do and what to say.