A dozen years ago I became divorced. Rather than hire lawyers, my ex-husband and I chose mediation. My experience was so different from friends and family who had chosen to battle in the courtroom. I sometimes wonder whether mediation made my journey lighter, or our approach to divorce was more suited to mediation - probably both. These are the valuable lessons I learned.

With young children I was frightened of the trauma and damage that divorce might bring. I worried about the financial struggle of getting by on my own in a post-divorce world. The idea of divorce was the scariest thing I have faced in my life – and I have faced a lot.

When I decided to divorce, I was fortunate to have heard about the option of mediation. I knew it was possible to avoid court and have some control over the final outcome in my agreement. What I didn’t know then, but certainly know now, are the absolute benefits of mediation. We DO have control over the outcome and it DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A TRAUMA. Twelve years down the road and I can attest that my children are healthy, happy, well-adjusted, and, yes, my ex and I are friends.

One of the key agreements we made early was our commitment to “the best interests of our children.” We lived by that and learned to have tolerance and respect for each other – something that was more difficult when we lived together. My focus was on the core beliefs I held and the bigger picture of what life lessons I wanted to teach the kids. It was ironic that it was easier to let go of the fantasy that I could change my ex (or vice versa) once we were living separate and apart. That brought a good deal of stress relief. We have found ways to honor the differences between our separate homes and families and trusted these were providing valuable lessons for the children.