Last week, I related the story of "Dave" who learned during his divorce that the 10-year old girl he had helped raise was not his daughter, but the product of his wife’s extramarital affair. Not being the father, Dave was cut-off from "his little girl" with no provisions for custody or visitation in the final divorce decree.

That was the law in 1978. Stepparents, grandparents, siblings and others parenting children not their own were especially vulnerable should the child’s natural parent(s) decide to end that relationship. Today, the rights of "third party parents", especially grandparents, are afforded more protection than a generation ago, but these rights still remain distinctly subservient to those of the natural parents.

In Missouri, only grandparents are statutorily provided the right to petition the court for visitation rights, should their contact be cut-off by the natural parents. However, this right to visit a grandchild will only be considered in 3 circumstances:

In addition, grandparents can ask the court to order the parents to mediate their dispute with the grandparents in the hopes in reaching a mutually agreeable solution.

Grandparents, stepparents, siblings and even neighbors or friends involved the raising of someone else’s child have the right to apply for "custody" of that child, but only if the natural parents are divorced, or if both parents die, or if both abandon the child. (In simple terms, being granted "custody" means that the person is provided the right to parent that child.)

In the situation where the natural parents divorce but at least one remains alive and available to the child, the burden of proof for a third party seeking custody is high. They have to demonstrate that both father and mother are "unfit, unsuitable or unable to meet the needs of the child or that the welfare of the child demands it". This right to apply was first granted in 1984, too late for "Dave", who should have been able to prove that the welfare of "his little girl" demanded that he remain involved.

If you are a third party parent denied visitation or custody, your best option is to stay in touch by telephone, letters, cards and gifts. However, if the natural parent(s) objects, then the third party parent must stop or risk sanction by the court. In this case, the last resort is to wait until the child reaches the age where he/she can make contact on their own. Typically, the court will not interfere in a loving, healthy relationship with a third party parent once the child is 16 years of age.