New York Info

New York Divorce Start Your Divorce Find Professionals New York Articles Divorce Facts Divorce Grounds Residency Divorce Laws Mediation/Counseling Divorce Process Legal Separation Annulments Property Division Alimony Child Custody Child Support Divorce Forms Process Service Grandparent Rights Forum New York Products Divorce by County

New York Articles

Agreements Custody & Visitation Child Support Counseling Divorce/General Domestic Abuse Financial Planning Foreign Divorce Mediation Parenting Property Division Spousal Support SEE ALL

Info Categories

Contemplating Divorce Children & Divorce Divorce, Dollars & Debt Divorce Laws Divorce Process Divorce Negotiation SEE ALL

More Information

Articles Checklists Research Center Cases of Interest Dictionary Encyclopedia Encyclopedia (pop-up) Blogs

For Professionals

Advertise With Us Free Network Page Join Our Network Submit Articles Case Management Sign In

Network Sites

New York Divorce Support New York Divorce Online

The "Aunt Lucy’s Quilt" Effect in Divorce Mediation

People who are going through a divorce usually have many emotions in common – anger, depression, denial, confusion, sadness, fear, apathy, guilt, pain, and a loss of self-confidence, all making for this being a “crazy time”. They also have some behaviors in common. One of them, I call the “Aunt Lucy’s Quilt” syndrome.

Couples who have many thousands of dollars in net worth or couples who have a small, or negative, net worth, can get stuck in their decision making while in divorce mediation. When deciding who will get what item of marital property, they sometimes ignore items of real monetary value in order to fight over a relatively insignificant item. I call this the “Aunt Lucy’s Quilt” syndrome.

“She was my Aunt Lucy!” angrily proclaims one of the parties, “I should get her quilt”. “Well, she liked me better than she liked you, so I should get her quilt!” responds the equally angry spouse. “Should”, “shouldn’t”, “mine”, “mine”, “you never used it”, “I took good care of it”, “mine”, “mine”. And on and on, bringing up every grievance, resentment, or grudge each spouse has against the other. The argument escalates, and it becomes obvious that they are not really talking about the quilt. (I have also observed this behavior in a couple arguing over Tupperware lids! Or, in another couple - frequent flyer miles!)

All the anger, bitterness, and hostility between the parties center on the quilt, or other similarly minor asset, and they ignore, for the time being, the more valuable house, retirements, or brokerage accounts.

As a mediator, I need to allow them to vent their feelings before they can get down to the more important decisions. This is sometimes difficult to do, as the spouses try to get the mediator on “their side”, or they direct their vitriol towards the mediator. A calm and tranquil attitude on the mediator’s part and a refusal to become triangulated are essential to move them past the anger and towards rational discussion.


Was this helpful? Like our site & let us know.

Related Articles


Start New York Divorce Start Your New York Online Divorce Today
Easy, Fast and Affordable with a 100% Guarantee.
New York Divorce Find New York Divorce Professionals in Your Area:
Join the Network
New York Divorce Products, Services and Solutions New York Divorce Products, Services and Solutions
New York Divorce Resources to Help You Through the Process.
Online Parenting Class New York Mandatory Online Parenting Class
Easy and convenient - complete at your own pace online.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Divorce Bookstore
Over 100 Titles of the Best Books on Divorce & Custody.
Divorce Downloads Divorce Download Center
Instantly Download, Books, Manuals, & Forms.
Divorce Worksheet Free New York Divorce Worksheet & Separation Agreement
Your Guide to Get Organized and Put Everything in Writing.
   
In order to qualify for a New York uncontested, "no-fault" divorce, both parties must agree to the divorce, division of all marital assets, debts, property, custody of the minor children, support for the minor children and spousal maintenance. In an uncontested divorce, the defendant can be served but if he or she does not answer the complaint in divorce then the plaintiff can seek a default judgment in divorce. The defendant can also waive his or her right to answer the complaint.
Divorce Lawyers & Mediators
 

Find Professionals

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code:

 

Start Your Divorce File for a New York Divorce

 

Settle Your Divorce Negotiate Your New York Divorce

 

Support Forum New York Support Forum

Children In Between - Online Parenting Class


FEATURED TOOL - How to Stop Your Divorce (Even When You Think its Too Late)

Guarantee Official PayPal Seal Facebook Twitter Versign Secure Site
Limited Offer Women's Rights Manual For Divorce
Cover Price: $55.95
Your Price: $29.95
You Save: $26.00

"The Absolute Best Investment in Your Divorce"

Men's Rights Manual For Divorce
Cover Price: $55.95
Your Price: $29.95
You Save: $26.00

"Uncover Your Options and Unleash Solutions"