I had to reread your post several times - so much of it sounded like it could have been written by my STBX. For this reason I will try really hard not to sound like I'm attacking you. First of all I think its great that you are trying and you are in counseling. We went together once. It was a total disaster - my husband turned everything I had said against me and blamed the fact that nothing was accomplished (it was only one session)on me. I really wasn't comfortable with the counselor or her methods- never mind the fact that my STBX had said all the same things about her-it was still my fault. Anyway-my point was, I couldn't tell exactly from what you said about counseling, but don't be afraid to try a different counselor if the first doesn't work out. You mentioned that your couselor said you must cut off all contact with the other woman - yes absolutely. My husband did this for a few weeks but just couldn't give her up - yes I understand that you are close to her, she has benn part of your life for a long time, etc, but everything you are sharing with her, all the time you spend with her etc is time taken away from your wife. I know its hard to do and 20 years is a long time but if you could objectively look back in time there are reasons you fell in love with your wife, married her, wanted to spend the rest of your life with her etc. Those things are still in there and you can find them again but not whle you have this fun, new exciting relationship to compare it with. All relationships have cycles - if you could see into the future, your new relationship will become duller too. If your really are committed to making this work - try Dr. phil's website. He sums up alot of his book Relationship Rescue and if you can really be open minded and objective he has some good advice for people involved in affairs and for the other woman(I would recommend you read what he writes to "the other woman" - he makes some good points). I know this is long but you seem like you are concerned about your kids: First of all they are teeneagers, right - then they will figure some of whats going on out even if you don't tell them. And I believe they should know the reason for your break up (if you do split) it is something they can learn from. And keep in mind that even if you don't tell them they may hear things from others. My STBX was a teeneager when he watched his parents go through this - they got seperated then ultimately stayed together. He hated his father for it and still has alot of anger about it(and vowed that he would never do the same, yeah, well. I think he also thought I would put up worth it like his mom did and we would ultimately stay together). Please give a lot of thought to how things will affect your children, sure your being unhappy affects them too, but with all your guilt and unhappiness because of what you are doing to your wife and to them - how happy will you really be? I know this is long, but please really consider your choices and the consequences to all involved.
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Re: postponed leaving