| dobralov |
| (recently joined) |
| 04/02/12 08:29 AM |
Re: You know what to do..
|
I am sorry for your agony. And it is, I know. I know.
First.
My wife had an affair last year and I found out on Facebook. When I confronted her, she lied, said they just "made out" and she stopped it before it went anywhere. She then blamed me for everything that was wrong in our marriage. Much has happened since then, but the point is that I can relate.
Second: she is lying about what happened. Cheaters always do this. They want to keep you calm and can't face what they did. She most certainly slept with the guy. Finding a way to accept that is critical.
Third: don't make ANY decisions about what to do until the initial trauma and shock has subsided. By "trauma and shock," I mean the total lack of control over your emotions and thoughts. You have just suffered a blow comparable to a sudden death in the family. I don't think "having her followed" when you suspect an affair is evidence of being "too controlling." It's natural.
Fourth: IF she shows TRUE remorse and understands why she must DEMONSTRATEABLY end all contact with the OP to acknowledge your pain and atone, then you might consider staying. She should answer any and all questions you have, though I would caution against digging for physical details until you have re-established some emotional intimacy with each other.
If you want to stay, it's a difficult and harrowing process that will require work on BOTH your parts. The problems in your marriage that led to the affair are still there whether the affair continues or not. For you, if you want to stay, finding a way to separate the affair from those problems will be part of your struggle. If she wants to stay, she should be willing to endureyour emotional roller coaster from her betrayal, be willing to re-earn your trust, and be willing to discuss the problems in your marriage.
It will require honesty on both your parts, and both of you must fight fair. You must discuss without blame, analyze without attacking. It's near impossible to do because emotions tend to get the better of us, especially after something so traumatic for both of you. If you want to stay together, you WILL need professional counseling.
Avoid telling friends and family what has happened. You will need an ear, no doubt, so find one friend you can trust to keep his mouth shut and that can listen WITHOUT JUDGING. Most friends, even best ones, will be subjective and angry at your wife. This person is not an ideal choice. The more people that know, the worse this experience will be for both of you.
REMEMBER: You should not make a "final decision" answering the question, "Should I stay or should I go" at this time. I would advise against trying to "placate" her or "win her back." Cheating is not acceptable and being too accommodating or trying to "please" her or "win her back" will not work. I'm not saying to be a bastard to her; I'm saying be cautious and make it clear that you are being cautious. Make it clear you can't be with her with him in the picture, period, but do so calmly.
Sound impossible? Maybe it is. There will be slip-ups where your emotions get the better of you.
Beware of "false reconciliation," where she shows fleeting remorse and says the right things, but continues the physical affair or the emotional element of it. Most female cheaters mire themselves in the emotional affair before consummating it. I am sorry to say this, but you can be sure she did several times, not just once--no one cries in a hotel room for three hours and 2 am with another man in the room--sorry, there's just no way. If you can't accept this in your heart, then you're still in denial. Remember the stages of grief, and you most certainly ARE grieving: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I personally felt like I bounced through and around these stages dozens of times.
She will have difficulty ending the emotional affair even if she discontinues the physical aspect of it. She replaced you with him and he gave her the attention, love, and respect she felt was missing. It's possible you to want to give her that NOW as a means of "winning her back," but she is currently "addicted" to him. She will suffer withdrawal symptoms like depression, anxiety, fear, and irritability if and when she ends contact. DO NOT TELL her this. You are not her therapist.
If you take only a few things from my ramble, know this: Suspend a decision until your emotional roller coaster subsides. Reign in your emotions when talking about anything with her--you need to be a rock--if you feel them taking over, calmly leave the room. Don't try to placate her and she will most certainly try to negotiate for ways to "keep him in the loop." Affairs may take time to end, but there can be no contact. Be cautious: do not accept the first signs of remorse as a sign that everything will be fine.
I understand your position of wanting to try everything before you leave: My position was I'd rather have stayed too long than leave too early. There is no "silver bullet" for "winning her back." The only advice I can think of to give on that matter is to "fight fair" as I described above, and it is MUCH easier said than done.
I would also advise you to avoid seeking TOO much advice (irony). You must find your own way, in a sense. Most people will tell you to leave, to get out, that you deserve better. All this might be true, but the bottom line is you must figure out what works for YOU, not for others. Not for your friends, not for your family.
Remember: she has checked out of the marriage. The normal rules of marriage like lying and cheating no longer seem so wrong to her. She will need to hit rock bottom before she "comes around," and she may not even if and when she does so. Tough love on your part may accelerate this process, but be prepared for the worst.
Maybe that's the point of all this "wake up and leave her" advice. Once you leave her, and I mean REALLY leave her behind in your heart, she may bounce off the rocks. Of course, if you "leave" her just to get her to come back to you, are you really leaving her at all? Ick.
Tough love. Stay calm around her. Give yourself permission to privately grieve. Realize you are not emotionally stable at this time (and that's ok--it will get better). Expect honesty about everything but be prepared to hear unpleasant truths. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING THAT "WENT WRONG IN YOUR MARRIAGE." Accepting responsibility means accepting your fair share of your marriage's faults; blame is taking on too much of it.
In the end, you will be stronger. In the end, you will be happy, even without her--and trust me, I know how impossible that might feel right now. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be.