| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 12/27/06 11:43 AM |
Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
|
Debi, I feel for you because I also have a mother who has acted like this and it really is unsettling especially when your children are pulled into it. My heart was sad when I read about your daughter. My mom pulled books off her bookshelf one year and wrapped them in newspaper and gave them to my two sons as a present, they were the age your children were and they did not understand.
There is nothing you can do except realize it is HER not you. I battled like this with my mom for years it was not until I got counseling through my divorce that the counselor helped me realize it was not me but her. No matter what we do, with types like this it is never good enough. I also found books by Melodie Beattie to be very helpful. I learned through the counselor to ignore it and self talk to myself and now its better. I keep the contact at enough to show respect for my mother and keep her content. Maybe that will work..if it starts to get negative just say it was good to talk to you Mom and limit it. Try not to be pulled in.
As for the kids...well...in a nice way explain that we just have to accept Grandma and that sometimes she just isn't happy or however you can gracefully explain it. And thats the very tough part. I used to become absolutely enraged at my mom who did stuff like you described but now I just brush it off...not my problem. I call her, see her when I can but keep it nice and tidy. I try not to let it bother me and it seems to be working as I have a different perspective. Hopefully you can get some ideas here.
It is tough when dealing with parents like this....my sons are older now. OS gets very irritated and avoids her and the YS uses hysterical humor with her. They have grown to realize that there is nothing they can do. In their own way they do care for us, at least we hope so.
I am happy that you did not let it ruin your christmas and could enjoy it...it is her issue obviously but to work and not let it be yours is a very good thing.
Good luck to you. its really tough when its mom/grandma....sometimes I still feel like a referee and have to just keep peace but it seems to be working. I also change the subject alot so she can't get started....
My mom did mean things also to my boys when they were too young to understand..I just tried to explain that it was not their fault and help them realize it as much as I could.
The sad thing is that people like this do not understand that their behavior pushes people away and they don't want to be near them at a happy holiday time....and then sometimes act out more. The trick is to just learn to live with it and no youcan't change them BUT...we can change how we react and thats what the counselor helped me do.
Again I wish you luck...