| CiCi |
| (addict) |
| 08/10/07 07:39 AM |
State of Mind
|
Hello all. Again, I must apologize for not being active the past couple of weeks. I've literally been so tired from the new job (learning takes a lot out of a person : -) that I've gone home and crashed each night! The job, however, is GREAT! For the first time in more than 6 months, I actually love going to work again!
I'm missing my baby girl. She's having a great time with her father in California...and I'm a little worried that she doesn't miss me or her life here. For a youngin as she is, it's really great to go into "vacation mode" for several weeks. I think I'm feeling a tad bit insecure that she'll come back to reality (home) and want to go back out there to live with him. Not to sound competitive, but that would KILL me. On the other hand, he moved away from her, so I doubt he would even want her to come live with her full time (selfish b@stard!).
I'm tired...and that's not helping my state of mind. I continue to have dreams where I am in victim mentality. Most of the time, it's about my ex being surrounded by all good things and me being pathetic and left in the dust. Last night, I drempt that the house was falling apart - one thing would break down, then another and so on. In the dreams, I'm continually taken advantage of by various people - because I can't say no, yet I know that in not saying no, I compromise a healthy state of mind.
I know that it just takes time...and I guess there's nothing I can do to rush it. But, is there some coping mechanism that anyone knows of to handle the emotions while I'm waiting for time to work its magic? This morning, for example, after last night's dream, I feel pummeled. Isn't that bizzare?!?
Really, I'm tired of being in victim mentality...is it as simple as just making up my mind NOT to go there? And then I think...if I consciously give up victim mentality, then how will I be defined? And how will I be percieved - especially by the ex? If I'm no longer the victim, will he suddenly think that I accept what he did to me? In some wierd way...am I hanging onto the victim mentality for sympathy from him or others? And is that in some way human nature? AM I NORMAL OR OFF MY ROCKER?!?
I'm getting panicky - sorry! I'd be very interested in hearing from many of you very intelligent people on this forum about your perspective.
XOXO
CiCi