| Curt551 |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/10/10 12:46 PM |
The weight of rejection...
|
I am beginning to think that dealing with divorce is a never ending process where the pain gradually dulls to irrelevance but the emotional damage done has its own unique memory.
My ex and I have been apart for 5 years. I was a hermit for 3 of those 5 years... wake, work, weep, sleep... rinse and repeat. In nearly every other aspect of my life I am confident, assertive as need be, and compassionate. In this aspect (recovering from divorce and engaging in new relationships) I'm not confident, still hearing and sometimes feeling the echos of what she said to me on her way out and after.
In the past 2 years I joined a couple of dating sites and began the process of normalization (if there is such a thing haha) after divorce. I followed through and met with a few of the women I chatted with and enjoyed the time as well as the activities. The activities did not go further than dinner, supper, a movie which was fine by me. I didn't feel any discomfort changing those relationships from romantic to friendship (mutually decided upon), some by my choice some by theirs. Recently I engaged in a very cool dialogue with a woman my age, similar interests, similar passions. She wrote me two to three times a day, we exchanged phone numbers, then she stopped all together and sent me an email letting me know that she appreciated getting to know me, enjoyed our exchange, but she decided to date a long time friend. I return emailed and let her know that I wished her all the happiness the world could offer. When I hit the send button I was surprised how much her change of heart affected me.
I don't see myself as having a lot of baggage. Most things have been resolved but this truly botherd me... makes me want to just be a hermit... work, sleep, find alone hobbies, and accept being single as a permanent lifestyle. Its another step in healing but I have to admit... there are days I'm absolutely sick of finding new things to heal haha.
I do know I'm getting better... I did not type in the cuss words I was thinking while I wrote this haha.