| liftnbhappy |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/27/06 07:50 AM |
sigh.....
|
thank you BB1. I am in so much turmoil. I will definitely read through that other forum. I need to. I need something. I'm going to start counseling next week, it was supposed to be couples counseling but he thinks I am trying to get him diagnosed as clinically depressed to sabotage his job. He accuses me of recording our phone conversations, he accuses me of prank calling him, I think it is his girlfriend calling and checking up on him. I don't know why he thinks I am recording our conversations, I don't know what purpose that would serve. But that has been the mantra lately. He has been accusing me of all sorts of things. I am moving back to be closer to my family and our home is for sale currently. He says he is "allowing" me to move back home, that he could take me to court and no judge would let me leave the state he knows the law. I just don't think he understands that I could take his daughters away from him permanently. He would never see them again if this went to court. I want him to be part of their lives and have been very amicable about making that happen, and he just keeps attacking me. His new trick is to either call me while he is working or we'll start a conversation here and then it gets heated and he doesn't want to talk anymore and he hangs up the phone or walks out the door and is gone. And here I am left to deal with all these emotions and still try and be the solid foundation for my daughters.
You are all very right I don't want my daughters to be in a relationship like this. I don't want them to be treated like this or to feel like this. It is just so hard to break away from him.
I have stopped being the crying blob in the corner and have gone back to being the self efficient mom my daughters know. I didn't realize how confusing it was for them to see their stability and rock crying and sobbing and weak and giving up. How scary for them. Time to stop being so selfish of my own thoughts.
Last week he wanted to try and make things work. Which I was elated over. He made this big production of deleting his girlfriends number out of his phone. We made love. I was hopeful. We talked and we talked about getting counseling together and that he might be suffering from depression. Well then he called off work that night to be with me and he decided to start drinking. He was talking and going back to his "you don't understand what you did to me" mantra. And couldn't get me to go to bed fast enough. I finally did and he stayed up and talked to his girlfriend all night. I found out the next morning and I was PISSED. I couldn't believe it. I know stupid me. If this was happening to anyone but me I could probably see this. I woke him up out of his stupor and told him I was going to call her. I reached down for his phone that was in his shorts on the floor. He jumped out of bed and grabbed me by the arm and pushed me back. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. No my daughters didn't see this they were sleeping, I know doesn't much matter. Well I called the girlfriend anyways. She didn't answer of course. I left her a message to call me. Nothing mean. Stressed her all out. She's calling him. I got a little bit of glee out of that. I know, sick. But she's been stressing me out, it was nice to return the favor. But alas, I am done with that, I don't need to talk to her to solve anything. The best way I can repay her is by letting her keep the a$$hole. Wouldn't his department love to know he called off work to drink a whole bottle of vodka though. No I have no intentions of threatening him with that or calling them. The thing I am pointing out is that he is so paranoid that I am going to do something vindictive when if I was going to do something to ruin his career I would have done it by now. That doesn't serve me any purpose or my daughters. Last night he came home drunk. He decided to drink on duty. He stopped at a bar while he was still on duty. Nice, huh.
This is just the biggest mess I have ever gotten myself into and it would be so much easier if I just didn't love him. sigh....
I am really hoping that the counselor will have some good things to say to me to really help me with this. Regardless, his apartment will be available on the 15th now, date got moved back, and he will be out of the house. Which I think is huge as him being here all the time is not helping me let go.
Keep pointing out the blatantly obvious to me, as you can see I have my blinders on. They are coming off but not easily.