| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 04/17/09 04:30 PM |
Re: My account disappeared, but I have more questions
|
Yeah I was wondering what happened to you
I think your post got deleted when they had a problem with the site
lol
I think they had to role it back to a point in time that was just before you joined so I think your account was deleted along with it
I'm glad to see that you have gotten her to go to the councilor
That is awesome news
Like I said counseling can do wonders for repairing the discord in a marriage by opening up the lines of communication and if the tool is used properly it can make your marriage stronger then ever
So in that aspect I think the 2 of you are on the right track
I agree 100% with the advice given by javajunkiee
And I also want to add a slightly different insight to the advice already given
As far as the lack of sex, well I would not let that concern you to much.
See, I have a child with my former wife and I have a child with my currant wife and both women and the pregnancies were completely different…
My first wife
Had tones of energy and was always on the go but she couldn’t eat anything without getting sick to her stomach. The one thing that I was not expecting was the drastic decline in her sex drive.
My currant wife
Slept a lot (lol) but had no problem eating and keeping it down and her sex drive was almost hard to keep up with.
During my first marriage I was so confused by the fact that my ex-wife didn’t want to make love to me, and I didn’t know what to do.
So, I turned to my 2 cousins. Both married, one with 3 kids and the other with 6 so I figured they would have some insight in this matter. They both said the same thing “that during one pregnancy there wives acted one way and then during another they acted completely different.
Now that I have my own experiences with this, I have come to discover this…
Each pregnancy is as different as the child growing in he belly.
No two, will ever be the same.
Being a man myself I understand your need and drive regarding this mater (aka sex)
But at the same time we (as men) need to understand that the female body changes more then just in the physical sense during pregnancy.
This is just my opinion but, if she says she’s not in the mood, more then likely it's not because she is not attracted to you but rather that she is simply “not in the mood” lol
You stated that she is not wiling to open up unless it’s in the counseling session, and I personally see nothing wrong with that knowing what I know now.
Look at it this way, the simple fact that she is going says a lot in it self. The thing to keep in mind here is that she is opening up in the sessions, and it may take time, but each session that the two of you attend...
New ground is being broken.
Essentially the two of you are building a foundation for that trust and in time I’m sure you will see her come around.
In the beginning, my wife also felt the same as your wife does. She said almost the same thing to me about feeling like we needed "a referee". She said it was because, too may of the issues we had, were not getting be worked out. And, ultimately she was right; because we didn't know how to communicate.
Her argument was 100% valid.
Case in point we had been together for over 4 years now and we almost divorced because we couldn’t address the problems without a fight starting, and that would end with one, or both of us wanting to through in the towel on our marriage.
I said this on another post…
Quote:
My wife and I use the councilor’s office as a safe zone where we can say things that if we were at home would start an argument. The best part of it is that if she or I say something that the other disagrees with we have the chance to rebut your side of things.
I have to admit in the beginning it didn’t work because we would leave the councilors office and a fight would be started from the comments or complaints that were brought up in the meeting. So we have both agreed that no mater what is said at the counseling meetings, if we decide talk about it afterwards, we keep it civil and if it looks like we cant, we drop it and save it for the next meeting.
So keep using the counseling and use it as a tool in your marriage, I’m sure you will find it will help in the long run.
Don’t let down your guard 100% or be blind but don’t give up either, and remember that it may get worse before it gets better.
Don’t give up on her and don’t let her give up on you if you devotion is real.
..::Edit::..
What I should have said last was "Don’t give up on her and don’t give her a reason to give up on you by jumping the gun. Try not to dwell on the negatives. I can't speak for everyone but I can tell you I find that I put myself in a mistrusting and bad mood when I sit and think about all the reasons I should mistrust my wife.
Personally, this may just be me but, I would look at it as if each steep (ie her going to the councilor) as a steep in the right direction, and look at dwelling on the negatives as a steep in the wrong one.
I'm not saying that you should blind yourself to what has been done, but I can tell you this much...
You will never get anywhere if you don't start somewhere. Take it one steep at a time. You wanted to address the problems in your marriage right? She is going to counseling with you. For the time being, I think you should stay working in that direction. Don't go off on a tangent until you find reason too, because if you do, and your wrong....
well, I can assure you this will not help the situation.
Your first statement was you came here for advice on how to save your marriage...
Then do just that. But don't do it half heartedly, because anything short of that will only end, what you were trying to save in the first place.