| BeckaLeigh |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/01/11 01:22 AM |
Update on me and my bunch.
|
I tried to reconcile with H after 6 months of seperation in August. It lasted until October, didn't end pretty. My kids were miserable, I was miserable, he was miserable. I do love him and always will... Let me rephrase that, I love the man I married. I don't love the meth monkey he has turned back into. I can't save him, he doesn't want to save himself.
I moved back to my hometown, we are staying with family. My kids are happy, I am happy. I started working at Wal-Mart almost a month ago. I love it. I have my car, my kids and my animals to my name right now, that is it. It is a very different life than the one I became accustomed to, but it is one that I am making with my kids and my best friend. He is the one I was living with earlier this year, the one who was very hurt when I went back to H.
While I regret hurting my best friend like I did, I don't regret going back to H. I know it may sound stupid and I may have said it before, but I am good with the split. I am happy about it. Yes, I would love to be with the man he used to be but that man is long gone. I have finally learned that. I don't blame him, I blame me. Only me. I have no room in my life to hold a grudge against him anymore. He is who he is. I am unable to accept that anymore.
Christmas is coming up and for the first time in about 3 years, my kids are excited about it. I hadn't realized just how withdrawn my kids had become due to the BS H pulled and the arguing between me and him. I do regret that much of it.
I just wanted to drop in and let everyone know how I was. I hope you guys are great. I still lurk but up until tonight, I was so busy licking my wounds, I didn't have the nerve to admit to you all that I had gone back to H. I did admit it to gr8dad and have to say I got a totally different reaction than the one I expected. He didn't gripe at me, he understood and comforted me.