| motorboater |
| (old hand) |
| 03/30/08 01:21 PM |
retroactive abuse claims
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Anyone have experience from the stbx pulling abuse claims out during the settlement? Not as grounds for divorce, but to affect the $ and custody settlements? How much do these matter? How much is considered in the past or not relevant in a no-fault state?
There are no charges filed, no injuries, no witnesses, just "he said vs. she said."
We've been apart for a year, and nothing has happened in over a year. However, it is true that we're both guilty of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse towards each other earlier in the marriage.
Before we separated, I chose to go to counseling and stopped my abusive behavior. She didn't get counseling and she didn't stop hers. It stopped (physically from her to me) when I moved out. Hasn't really stopped verbally from her to me yet, but since its only over the phone and only from her to me I just hang up so its at least safe and over with for me.
We've been proceeding towards divorce, and as recently as last month she was still quite amicable about things like the settlement and custody. However, recently, she found out that the guidelines for child support entitle her to roughly $1000 less a month than she thought she was going to get.
Now she's been calling saying that I need to settle for the $ she's requesting and give her full custody or she will accuse me of physical abuse of her (which is true, though from >1 year ago). Wondering if anyone has been through something like this? And true or false, isn't this some form of blackmail?
I want to be accountable for my actions, and just move on to a healthy life, away from her, lessons learned. But not to the point where I forfeit 100% of community prop assets and all custody and pay over the state formula for CS or >50% income for SS. (her requests from our last conversation.)
IOW, I'm not innocent, neither is she. She's looking to maximize settlement with both true and false claims of abuse, and (presumably) by denying any similar wrongdoing on her part. I think she knows I just want to be away and will be inclined (emotionally) to overpay just to escape and start over.
I'm stuck between not wanting to fight her over this (because I did hurt her) and not wanting to let her take advantage of this to hurt me.
Is it worth counter-accusing? Having letters and from her where she apologizes for hitting and kicking and attacking me? Or letters/apologies from me for yelling and shoving and threatening her? (because that's what we did to each other and that's what we wrote...) Or would that work against me?
And how do I prepare for false allegations to come from her, while being honest about the some to come from her that are likely actually true?
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/30/08 03:46 PM |
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Re: retroactive abuse claims
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They are likely going to believe her claims of you abusing her and ignore claims of her abuse of you. Seriously. It's a hard fight and NOT uncommon at all. And DON'T let anyone tell you otherwise. There are many "false abuse claim" threads on this board, usually prompted by her attorney to secure a larger claim in a contentious divorce.
I think you are screwed. You can "prepare" all you like but it is probably hopeless. They won't arrest you or anything but it paints you in a bad light and they know it.
Not being pessimistic, just being real here.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/31/08 08:12 AM |
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Re: retroactive abuse claims
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She can accuse you of anything, and you can accuse her. Without documentation though, its as you said, he said/she said. That's how the court will treat it. Now if she gets a sympathetic judge who believes her sob story, it may sway their decision. But you need to be equally armed. Document any incidents you recall so you can be prepared for what she may say. Get documentation of the counseling you obtained, any other documentation, any family/friends/neighbor witnesses that saw any exchanges then or after you had counseling and she was the aggressor.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/31/08 08:14 AM |
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No actually...
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He IS being pessimistic. You can always tell when someone is bitter. Take bitter advice with a grain of salt as its tainted by feelings moreso than by logic.
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/10/08 03:03 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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[quote]He IS being pessimistic. You can always tell when someone is bitter. Take bitter advice with a grain of salt as its tainted by feelings moreso than by logic. [/quote]
Obviously you forgot to take your magic pill today. Wait until your next dose. Do not double up.
| 092895 |
| (enthusiast) |
| 04/10/08 03:29 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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Actually, I would have to agree with Relayer on this one (shock). She may have hit you and all the other stuff, but it is still very much frowned upon when a man is physical with a woman.
Example: My husband used to man handle me frequently and yes he could say I hit at him. I did when he grabbed me by my head and the pain for the earring piercing me made me react and slap the crap out of him. He let go. Thank God! -OR- the time he had me by my neck against a wall and I kneed him in the groin. He also let me go that time. It was always in self defense. However, there were many more times that he just left bruises on my arms and all I did was pull away, which made it hurt even worse.
I have no sympathy for any man that ever hits a woman, however any woman who thinks she is man enough to hit a man better duck and run!
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/10/08 04:04 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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[quote]Actually, I would have to agree with Relayer on this one (shock). She may have hit you and all the other stuff, but it is still very much frowned upon when a man is physical with a woman.
Example: My husband used to man handle me frequently and yes he could say I hit at him. I did when he grabbed me by my head and the pain for the earring piercing me made me react and slap the crap out of him. He let go. Thank God! -OR- the time he had me by my neck against a wall and I kneed him in the groin. He also let me go that time. It was always in self defense. However, there were many more times that he just left bruises on my arms and all I did was pull away, which made it hurt even worse.
I have no sympathy for any man that ever hits a woman, however any woman who thinks she is man enough to hit a man better duck and run! [/quote]
I got hit a lot by my ex. She did it quite often and I never once hit her back. In fact, a few times, when cornered or in a sick bed when it happened, I just let her hit me as I know quite certain it there was a single mark on her from me in self defense, it would have been ME going to jail rather than her. I once counted 20 close fist punches to my face. If I put my arms up to block them, and she somehow glanced her wrist off of mine and became bruised from it, that was all the cops would need to haul me away. My daughters once saw her clobber me in the face more than a dozen times. They still talk about it and it happened when they were 2 and 4, over 3 years ago. It will probably live with them forever.
People who think it wouldn't happen are delusional. Men 100% of the time get a raw deal in terms of domestic abuse. Even if the woman is arrested, it's rare she is punished for it in any real sense.
She is in trouble now though as it is certain she is a domestic abuser and is now married to one (convicted twice and jailed for it once). It is only a matter of time before she smacks HIM and he is going to turn around and if not kill her, mess her up horribly as he did his 3 other wives. Just hope my kids dont see it.
| stuckinarut |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 04/10/08 08:57 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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i would never let a woman hit me. if a woman ever raised a hand to me it would be the end.
| Maury |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/11/08 12:07 AM |
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Re: No actually...
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"if a woman ever raised a hand to me it would be the end."
Brilliant - if you enjoy incarceration.
| stuckinarut |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 04/11/08 07:22 AM |
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Re: No actually...
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i've gotten away with it before...
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/11/08 09:32 AM |
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Re: No actually...
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OMFG
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/11/08 09:35 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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Or, you're just ticked off again because you don't get to drag everyone else down to your mopey sad sack views.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/11/08 09:41 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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Were it JUST a he said/she said, he MIGHT have a point. But in THIS particular case...
1. There are no charges filed, no injuries, no witnesses
2. I chose to go to counseling...She didn't
3. Having letters and from her where she apologizes for hitting and kicking and attacking me?
So since he can PROVE abuse TO him, and there were never police reports or injuries, making it a "she said" situation, it likely isn't going to affect the division of anything.
If he had no proof of her abuse, it MIGHT. But then it depends on the mood of the judge. It DOES happen that the judge doesn't always just take their word. But we don't usually hear about those. We hear the worst case scenarios. That's why they end up here, because they ARE worst case and have run out of options.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/11/08 09:42 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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>>>>>Men "100%" of the time get a raw deal in terms of domestic abuse.
My only comment will be...
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/11/08 09:42 PM |
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No...OMFT...
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Oh my freaking troll. Stuck's only about good for a laugh.
| Maury |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/11/08 10:02 PM |
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Re: retroactive abuse claims
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It happens very often and it is a very large scarlet letter in many cases. It requires a vigorous defense. The attack is often that the other parent appeared to have no apparent concerns about care of the children during the marriage or after separation when it suited his/her purpose. When the concerns are raised only in the context of divorce, you must hit that party over the head with the lack of support for the allegations and the inconsistencies of behavior.
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/12/08 02:18 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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[quote]Or, you're just ticked off again because you don't get to drag everyone else down to your mopey sad sack views. [/quote]
You keep missing your meds...you need to stick to a schedule
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/12/08 02:20 PM |
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Re: No actually...
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[quote]>>>>>Men "100%" of the time get a raw deal in terms of domestic abuse.
My only comment will be...
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!! [/quote]
Your uniformed delusional vagina is acting up again.
By the way, you need a new picture on this forum. I have seen your "normal" picture and this one makes you look like a Tranny who went to Glamour Shots.
| stuckinarut |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 04/12/08 06:35 PM |
Re: No...OMFT...
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oh my freaking troll? No..oh my freaking tranny who went to glamour shots...now thats funny!!!
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/14/08 12:29 PM |
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Hardly...
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I don't take meds hon. Unless calcium, Vitamin E, a multivitamin, Vitamin C, and low dose aspirin daily count as meds to you. And frankly, on meds, if I were YOU, I really wouldn't be bringing that subject up, ya know.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/14/08 12:29 PM |
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The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/14/08 12:30 PM |
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Whatever you say fool (eom)
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.
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/14/08 04:37 PM |
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Re: Hardly...
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[quote]I don't take meds hon. Unless calcium, Vitamin E, a multivitamin, Vitamin C, and low dose aspirin daily count as meds to you. And frankly, on meds, if I were YOU, I really wouldn't be bringing that subject up, ya know. [/quote]
Huh? The only meds I take are insulin, pancreas and reglan. I suppose you are an expert in my surgery also. And yes, I have read many times about the meds you take...drug addict...
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/14/08 04:39 PM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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[quote]. [/quote]
LOL..I guess you can't comment on pending litigation yu have against Glamour Shots. Based on your pic, they owe you millions..either them or your plastic surgeon but one of them botched the job horribly. You must scare little kids and puppies and stuff..
At least you would fit right in during the Gay Pride Parade.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/15/08 08:13 AM |
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Re: Hardly...
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God you are losing it more and more daily. First my weight was an issue and now meds that I supposedly take. I realize you're on quite a lot of medication and have excused it for the most part, but frankly, you're completely sick and delusional, and that can no longer be excused.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/15/08 08:14 AM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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If you had any clue about the picture, which has been talked about here before, you'd realize how stupid you were making yourself look with your comments. ;)
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/15/08 01:35 PM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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[quote]If you had any clue about the picture, which has been talked about here before, you'd realize how stupid you were making yourself look with your comments. ;) [/quote]
It was the first time I ever mentioned the picture but I do remember a number of others mentioning it. I've seen your other pics and this one looks nothing like you, thank god.
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/15/08 01:36 PM |
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Re: Hardly...
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[quote]God you are losing it more and more daily. First my weight was an issue and now meds that I supposedly take. I realize you're on quite a lot of medication and have excused it for the most part, but frankly, you're completely sick and delusional, and that can no longer be excused. [/quote]
Ya, because insulin makes you go bonkers as does pancreas and reglan...man..I am bouncing off the walls..
Go on my diet. You will lose plenty of weight. If you survive.
| stuckinarut |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 04/15/08 04:02 PM |
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Re: Hardly...
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I could imagine what the other pics look like?
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/15/08 04:56 PM |
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Re: Hardly...
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[quote]I could imagine what the other pics look like? [/quote]
At least I have an excuse for looking like I do that doesnt include Twinkies and Ho-ho's.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/16/08 09:17 AM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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I don't care how often YOU'VE mentioned it, but *I* have spoken of it quite a few times in the past. It was a joke picture done in Vegas, my face, someone else's hair. A group of us posed for them for the kicks. And I put it here for the kicks, and now they've removed the feature to change, delete, or add a picture, so its here, until DSource fixes their format or removes it. And THAT is why you made yourself look stupid. Because this HAS been discussed, many times.
And how would you know what looks like me? From your other rantings, you haven't a single CLUE what I actually look like.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/16/08 09:17 AM |
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Re: Hardly...
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If I lost plenty of weight, I'd die of starvation. What do you think I should weigh? 80 lbs?
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/16/08 09:20 AM |
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Why imagine?...
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I'm not ashamed of what I look like. How about the two of you morons?
http://www.techtrek.com/Hold/AlmostHeaven/Char%20Prance%20Dress.jpg
http://www.techtrek.com/Hold/AlmostHeaven/Char%20Bull%20Ride.jpg
| stuckinarut |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 04/16/08 02:50 PM |
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Re: Why imagine?...
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Is that your "I wanna be the next super model" pose?
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/16/08 06:24 PM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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[quote]I don't care how often YOU'VE mentioned it, but *I* have spoken of it quite a few times in the past. It was a joke picture done in Vegas, my face, someone else's hair. A group of us posed for them for the kicks. And I put it here for the kicks, and now they've removed the feature to change, delete, or add a picture, so its here, until DSource fixes their format or removes it. And THAT is why you made yourself look stupid. Because this HAS been discussed, many times.
And how would you know what looks like me? From your other rantings, you haven't a single CLUE what I actually look like. [/quote]
Your pictures are posted on the web. You want me to post the link? You have blond hair, glasses and lost some weight and are a Star Trek fan...
Well, I am glad it's a joke picture because honestly, it makes you look like a tranny...LOL
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/17/08 07:40 AM |
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Re: Why imagine?...
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Yup. Got a problem with it?
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/17/08 07:40 AM |
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BTW...
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Where's your bub?
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/17/08 07:43 AM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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Hmmmm. A "tranny". Is that some kind of train?
"and lost some weight". Ahhhh, so your idiotic ramblings about my weight being too high were just that. Since you KNEW I wasn't overweight and state so right here. So why the stupidity act earlier?
Why do you need to post a link I freely posted myself?
And read further, you'd find I haven't thought much on Star Trek for Yeeeeeeeeeeaaarrrrrrrrs. That's why my site is so outdated. But...you're an expert on anything and everything. I keep forgetting about that. ;)
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/17/08 10:09 AM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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I only go by what your site says..the one you have linked to this site..
| spinnerdegrassi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/18/08 01:40 PM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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I think I saw a genuine mullet on that site.
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/18/08 04:01 PM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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[quote]I think I saw a genuine mullet on that site. [/quote]
Yep-
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 04/20/08 08:57 AM |
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Re: The only thing delusional hon is you (eom)
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If you went entirely by it, you'd realize how outdated it was.
| jason02 |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/28/08 09:22 AM |
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Re: No actually...
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[quote][quote]He IS being pessimistic. You can always tell when someone is bitter. Take bitter advice with a grain of salt as its tainted by feelings moreso than by logic. [/quote]
Obviously you forgot to take your magic pill today. Wait until your next dose. Do not double up. [/quote]
Sorry, Relayer is 100% correct. I can't speak as to how they will affect settlements when the accusations are from the past but False Accusations are a very serious mattter. If the woman is determined, you are so screwed. So if it's true, well, good luck.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/29/08 08:03 AM |
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Re: No actually...
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Accusations of DV are normally always serious, false or not. However, Relayer is NOT correct in that they "will ignore claims of her abuse of you" and that " it is probably hopeless".
Basically, his "advice" is to paint such a hopeless picture to posters that they don't even bother to fight for anything...insuring they lose before they even begin.
| Maury |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/30/08 12:48 AM |
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Re: No actually...
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Accusaions of DV are always serious. However, in my experience, men do have a more difficult time in having claims given the same concern or attention as women. It is not a foregone conclusion that an order will not enter, but it is certainly a battle that is precipitously uphill in a situation where it is "he said - she said."
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/05/08 08:19 AM |
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Difficult, likely...
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Impossible, unlikely. As with others who do more harm to father's rights than women, not mentioning he who shall not be named, there are those that do more harm to men by basically telling them to give up and not bother, than the women who make false claims of abuse against them.