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Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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So I have been contemplating divorce for a bit now. My husband of 2 years has been very abusive to me in the beginning, verbally and physically. After putting him in jail the second time he came after me and bruised me up he was a bit nicer to me. I have learned to fight back and to protect myself but never call the cops again. It seems the more he drinks, the more nasty he gets especially when I dont give him what he wants, but I "should never argue with a drunk" so he says. He is a selfish man who cares nothing about what I think. Should I even try for the marriage counseling or just go for the divorce. Things get nicer for a bit but never change.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I would go straight for the divorce, if it were me. I gave my X too many chances, including counseling, and now I have scars on my arm from where he stabbed me repeatedly with a pencil, on my back where he threw me into a mirror closet door and down a flight of steps when I was 8 mths pregnant with our son, teeth that need to be fixed because he literally knocked them out, etc.... It isn't worth it. Take it from someone who has been there, done that and has a wonderful marriage now. Love shouldn't hurt like that.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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Re: unsure-n-crazy: In my case I seen a social worker. I suggest you get advice from a social worker. Mine said if I didn't divorce him I would end up dead. And believed he was capable of it. If you have children it is especially crucial that you divorce him so you dont create behavior problems with the kids. Drinking is not a cause for the abuse. It is in the person. If you want a happy peaceful life then do it. If you dont do it. You may be miserable for the rest of your life. Be a strong person and stand up for yourself. This is your way of fighting back. And saving your own life.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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You went through the same thing. Its surprising how common abuse is. I didn't realize it until I went to support groups. I thought I was all alone. And was different from everyone else. I was ashamed to admit there was a problem. And tried to excuse it for a long time. I opened my eyes and saw the situation for what it was. But if I didn't end up going to the hospital I would have probably still been taking it. "Thank God" I made it out alive.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I am glad you saw what was happening. It takes time to realize you are one of "those people", abused, that is. It takes a long road to recover also, but it is well worth it. I have been with my DH now for almost 7 years and he is one of the best things that ever happened to me besides my kids. He would never dream of hitting me, or belittling me. He is the total opposite of X and very healthy for me.
I hope you are doing all right in the recovery area. I know it is tough but you can do it. If you ever need to talk about it privately, feel free to PM me and I will give you my email addy. I don't do the phone number exchange on here because of trust issues, but I can email. :)
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finz
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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11/27/09 02:32 AM
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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Please get out now, while you can and before children are involved.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I have my ups and downs. But of-course. Being in the middle of a nasty-nasty divorce doesn't help on top of it. Its crazy but I am being made out to be bad guy here now. But ofcourse as I learned in counseling the victim is always blamed in the end. I am quote: Making it all up. It never happened, your lying, type responses from the x= inlaws. I thought this is ludicrous. My life is finally normal and I am going to keep it that way. I just realize. I know what happened and God knows what happened and thats all that matters. The fighting will get them nowhere.
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myheart
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(enthusiast)
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11/28/09 01:34 PM
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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It is amazing that even if we see a clear abuse every which way, why do we stay with the sample of few good days.
Offcourse, after an abuse there will be a few good days, that is the cycle, that is the make up time, until next event happens, then it goes again.
You are the only one who can break this cycle. I understand fully, becasue been there done that. Oh god, even I knew things were so bad, but just seeing him smiling and being nice with me, made me postponed everything, before I knew years passed.
Yes I set the example for him, so in the end when I took the stand, he was totally surprised, what happned to his crawling back wife, who wanted this relationship so badly.
It is kind of surprising for me that before he left even I asked him not to for the sake of everything he said "but you didn't say you will not do .... this ever again and will lieten to me", and I kept quite, watched him leaving..
It was hard, I felt like promising him everything, to stop him, but I knew I will get in to that cycle again...
You have key to break the cycle, please be strong, yes there will be intense loneliness, but nothing is worth, if there is no chance to have a life.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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You are very right. It is hard not to go back. But just wishing that he could be the person I wished he could be is only a dream and wont become a reality, is the fact and the truth. I wont go back to that life. It was miserable. And I wasn't happy. I was just acting like I was happy. And thats not right. There is no excuse for abuse.
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myheart
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(enthusiast)
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11/28/09 05:39 PM
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I still have hard time to beleive what he turned out to be, I many times do feel, it was all nightmare and I will wake to a nice loving husband he was to me, well I am still need to come to term to find him to be who he really is. It has been only 5 months. I can't say I am happy today, I loved the married life, and all the fuss came with it, but I am content, becuase I don't have any issue or conflict waiting for me at home every single day.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I can relate to what you are going through, though.
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myheart
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(enthusiast)
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11/29/09 01:46 PM
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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The most scary thing is, how can you trust somebody again, when you have trusted somebody so deeply from your heart and soul and got hurt so badly. How can you know what other person says, promises is the honest thing and will be there forever. Will our life be all about trial and error?
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I know what you are saying. But I guess we know what to look for in a person now. You can usually point out a narcisist right away. They usually act fake.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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[quote]The most scary thing is, how can you trust somebody again, when you have trusted somebody so deeply from your heart and soul and got hurt so badly. How can you know what other person says, promises is the honest thing and will be there forever. Will our life be all about trial and error? [/quote]
Good question. Will the next person do the same thing as the last or something equally as hurtful but different?
I read this board and wonder why with all the men I read about abusing their wives, why does mine want a divorce when I didnt do anything like that? I guess I just have to accept that I couldnt give her what she wanted. The 18 years we were together back so she could have sex with as many men as she felt like she wanted to when she felt like it.
So how do we learn to trust again after that many years of trusting and believing in someone just to realize that they wants to be single and have you help pay for their single life using the kids for CS even. That your spouse could not be trusted any more and nothing you could for her would even make her attempt to repair the damage with you she did to your marriage?
I guess time is the only answer.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I know its hard to trust again. I guess you just have to look for the warning signs.
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myheart
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(enthusiast)
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12/01/09 06:01 PM
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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Same question, when I read many posts here from men, who say what they say about their wives, I see I didn't do anything like that, I was very devoted to him, loved him etc..., then why am I in this situation??? I don't think there is OW involved other than his mom... But yes what a wife should do to so her husband wants her unconditional, I accepted him all his faults, none of us had any bad habiits, or any other hobbies. Yesp what is enough??? I will never know.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I think those men could have been abusers themselves. Some of them talk like it. And unconditional love does not mean you are suppose to except abuse. Maybe those men wish they would have reacted different. But are too late.
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myheart
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(enthusiast)
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12/01/09 08:22 PM
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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I hope he knows, what he has done to all of us, I hope he regrets, though there is no way back.
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Re: Abusive/of course nice when needed.....
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Exactly. These men know what they have done and condone it. As a way of life. And may never see wrong in that behavior. You just need to move on to a new future and a happier life. :)
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