| bettyparker |
| (recently joined) |
| 01/17/10 07:40 PM |
too late for love?
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Hello,
I've been married for 25 years, physically separated for one. My husband and I are in marriage counseling and we are both in individual therapy as well. Both my therapist and our marriage counselor have described our relationship dynamic as one of abuser/victim. I am coming to see how this has progressed through our relationship. Early on, he would be somewhat physically abusive, shoving me once and putting his hands around my neck that actually left bruises. He never touched me that way again, but would continue to throw things, punch walls and kick things. He was much more verbally abusive through most of our marriage. It wasn't until our first round of marriage counseling that we recognized it as such and he has worked on controlling his rages. Most recently, he has a history of invading my privacy by reading my journal and [censored] into my emails. This happened several times in the two years before we separated and I found out only last week that he did it again just a few months ago, while we've been in therapy.
I was the classic co-dependent victim in all this...I couldn't see it for what it was and minimized it when it happened. More than that, I blamed myself for not loving him enough, assuring him enough. I can see how unhealthy the whole relationship has been, in spite of our very real attempts to work on our selves and relationship in therapy.
He has learned and grown quite a bit in therapy, but the fact that he violated my privacy and lied about it until just a few days ago makes me question how much he has and can really change. He continues to tell me that he sees it now, promises me it will be different. This has been the story for the past two years, as soon as I finally said I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore. He has tried so hard to change, to hold on to me, and I've wished that it could work. I just feel so defeated and violated and betrayed by this latest incident. I don't know how much more time and effort I can put into this. I don't know if I even love him anymore, or if the feelings I have are just buried under so much bitterness and resentment. We do have two children...19 and 15...and for them we have kept trying. When do I finally know? Can this unhealthy dynamic change? Can the feeling of love come back?
Sorry to go on. Thanks for advice and/or insight.
| myheart |
| (enthusiast) |
| 01/17/10 08:05 PM |
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Re: too late for love?
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25 years is a very long time. Anybody can change if there is enough motivation to make things work, there is nothing impossible. I am sure in 25 years, you must have forgive and forget many many times. Only your counselors can tell you how serious he is about changing and respecting you. Mutual respect and trust need to come back first in your relationship, love will follow.. My best wishes are with you, I hope it works out for both of you, because at this age, living alone is not a picnic.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 01/18/10 01:18 AM |
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Re: too late for love?
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I would hate to see anyone factor their fear of being alone into deciding to stay in or end a marriage, especially one with abuse issues, MH.
BP.....I would say, maybe give it a little more time, then maybe you will be able to see if he can try to respect your privacy/if he can change.
If you have truely lost that loving feeling, maybe it is too late. Are you angry ? Or is the love really gone ?
| lilywhite |
| (member) |
| 01/20/10 09:03 PM |
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Re: too late for love?
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Abusers really don't change. I was married to one for 25 years. In fact, joint counseling with an abuser is highly discouraged by most psychologists.
| myheart |
| (enthusiast) |
| 01/21/10 12:33 AM |
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Re: too late for love?
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I agree, that many times joint counseling with an abuser
doesn't go anywhere. My stbx went with me by pretending that he is trying, but he was very mad that I dragged him to counseling (which he told me later). When I brought up the real issue, he blew up,,, counselor was surprised to see that... Yes they don't change their basic nature will not change.
But motivation is everything... Same abuser yells at home over small things, can be a gentleman at work. People never know this person is an abuser in personal life. So if they can behave so good outside, in front of people, at work, why can't they behave good at home, because it too much at stake at work, thye may lose job, and at home there is nothing lose???
See these people don't value marriage over their job and image outside... So if he can't change for this marriage, he will never change. But at the same time, if he values your marriage he will change his behaviour..... It all depends what is important to him..
| Sharonlynn |
| (recently joined) |
| 01/21/10 11:30 AM |
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Re: too late for love?
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I agree with myheart. Motivation is the key. If your partner is going under duress or to "shut you up" it will never work.
My STBX went to counseling with me and while we were in our first, and last, session he hemmed and hauled to the point that the counselor asked if we were boring him.
My STBX is incredibly charming and people would never believe that at home is yells and screams at me and the children. Since he never uses bad language or swears in front of anyone, it is unfathomable to people to think that he would cuss and swear at the kids and me. He is awful at home and a dreamboat in public.
Again myheart hit the nail on the head. These people don't value their marriage or the humans in their home. They value their image and their jobs.
Everything hinges on where the person places value. If it not where you do, it won't work.
Sarahlynn
| english7 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 01/23/10 11:53 AM |
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Re: too late for love?
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"These people don't value their marriage or the humans in their home. They value their image and their jobs."
I agree--oh man do I ever agree. And this is exactly why we don't see their abusive nature BEFORE marriage. They are maintaining their image while dating because we are potentially beneficial to their image once married. After marriage, our worth plummets. It's not US they want or respect; it's what we can do for them.
At least that was my experience.
| myheart |
| (enthusiast) |
| 01/23/10 12:15 PM |
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Re: too late for love?
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Yep, you are so right, their this nice behaviour was attracting to us. Mine during dating always said oh he can't wait to show me off to his rich friends, what a wonderful wife he has, later I found out I was his trophy wife, but my use in his life was just outside of the house, when go to parties, he would stay by me, and touch me, or put his arms around my shoulder, eat with me, bring me drink etc.., to show people she is my wife and we are very LOVING couple, but as soon as we enter the house, he is like, doesn't know me.... I would look forward to go to parties so I can recieve his affection, how sick that is???He stayed married until he found my use in his life, as soon as I asked for a happy harmonious domestic life, it was too much for him, because it takes work and patience and lots of adjutment, which he truly is not capable of.... He can't adjust period, everything has to happene xactly the way he wants, plus reserved ot blow up anytime for any reason. I loved him so asked him to go for counseling, which obviously refused, there is nothing wrong with him.
As soon as he knew I am checking about him with his family members, my checking was what can I do to make him more happy, why is he always so angry, tried to udnerstand him, then I was told how he abused his first wife, even freinds told me, his first wife will come with him to parties and stick by him, but never say a word, she was a pretty thing on his side..
What I have found out from others like us (left behind) very striking similarties, in behaviour, personalities and eventaul actions, regarding what do they at home, in private, in front of people is like reading a book....
| Marla |
| (recently joined) |
| 02/21/10 07:33 PM |
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Re: too late for love?
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Hi. I am new here. I posted on the new relationship and life after divorce forums.
I read what you wrote and I have to tell you, that the man you are with has some deep rooted issues and has caused YOU to mistrust him. This is a long hard road to overcome for both of you. People don't change inside. It takes a long time. His lies and deception will always stay in your mind.
He has to prove that he is going to work on himself and you have to work on regaining trust.
This is going to take time. If you are able to give it a shot, then you need to do it, otherwise you will always wonder.
I'll keep reading to see how you are doing.