| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 08:46 AM |
Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I was awarded my divorce and full and sole custody of son today. His dad was incarcerated 3 months ago for some pretty serious crimes and I don't know if he will be taking a trip to prison or not at this point. The judge ruled that the child support and visitation issue would be put in abadance (sp??) until he gets out of jail. Who knows when that will be but until the meantime our son is to do what??? Why is it our fault that he decided to break crimes and is now in jail and oh let's reward him by not making him responsible for his child support because he is in jail for HIS bad decisions. I am angry he just gets away with the [censored] he does. Is this legal for this to happen?? Hell I guess it is, it just amazes me and right now I have a doggone headache from today I suppose. I thought at least the judge would impute minimum wage for 40 hrs. and make the order according to that even if he's not working. Him not working or making bad decisions is not my or son's fault or problem but we are the ones to pay for it. To be honest I am pissed that he was not orderd to pay but I got what I wanted the most important thing: Sole and full custody of son and the divorce.
He didn't ask to be brought over to the court house today and that was a bunch of rigamaro because he refused to sign the paper I took to him saying he realized their was a hearing today and he chose not to attend. SO the judge said for him to sign or he would be transported over there. Hell I don't know maybe he wanted a field trip of sorts since he's in one big pod. He was hostile to the guards at the jail telling them he knew about it and didn't want to talk about it; kinda like if I keep my eyes closed this won't be happening. He was shackled from head to toe and that was a sad sight for me. I really wasn't wanting to see him today but of course he will be an ass till the end. Not surprising. We are in SC so if anyone knows if there is a way to have a court order made with the parent in jail, please enlighten me. Hell I'll never be able to find and serve him again. He was dodging me in getting the divorce summons and when he went to jail I jumped on the chance to have him served. Why should he be excused from his responsibility because he is jailed???? Anyway if anyone has any words of wisdom or support I'm all ears!! :)
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 09:03 AM |
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
While it is not your fault that he commited a crime, it would also be unreasonable to hold him to a level he CANNOT obtain. He will not make any money in jail, therefore he cannot pay anything.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 09:18 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I don't think it would be unreasonable to have it collect on the books at the courthouse and he can catch up when he gets out. I think it's crazy to allow a parent to get away with not taking responsibility because they were stupid and landed themselves in jail. Heck for that matter he wasn't making any legal money the last year or so, no job, homeless. So if that's the case again when he gets out will it still be unreasonable to expect him to pay because he's homeless and has no job? It's not like I knew I would be getting CS from him but it's not fair that it's all on me for his bad decisions. I just see it as he got a free ride to shirk his responsibilities.
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 09:25 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Ummmmmm.............it would seem to me that you were the one that decided to have a baby with someone that was homeless and has no job. Did you think that he would magically just POOF become a responsible human being?
You're kidding me, right?
If there had been a support order BEFORE he went to jail, then arrearages would, in all likelihood, have started accruing when he went to jail. But to want to obtain an order for the sole purpose of having back child support pile up to a level that he probably won't ever be able to pay?
Strikes me as slightly.....malicious.
You said that he's been homeless for the last year -- wouldn't that seem to indicate that he doesn't care about himself, much less anyone else?
It's time for you to realize that you made a bad decision to have a child with this man and it's time for you to realize that you're going to be the one supporting your child.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 10:08 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Listen [censored] I've been married to him for 18 years and he has had very good jobs and is capable of making money. He chooses not to because of his alcohol/drug isssues. Those along which HIS POOR DECISIONS have landed him there. There was no support order before because he couldn't be found to be served. I'm not being malicious I just want my son to have what's due to him from his father and for his dad to take some responsibility. By the way our kid is 14 yrs. old and his dad was not a worthless loser for many years.
| JennyLynn |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 10:22 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Unfortunately you really have no choice but to wait until he gets out of jail. Do you not have any idea how long his sentence is?
| Cassie23 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 10:58 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Listen [censored] I've been married to him for 18 years and he has had very good jobs and is capable of making money.
__________________________________________________________
Pretty. Anyway, he is capable of making money but not while he is in jail. I agree with gr8 how can they hold him accountable for something he is unable to even do because he isn't CAPABLE, given where he is?
I do wish there were programs in jail where they could work (in some way) and get paid...while that $$$ goes to CS.
The judge made this decision because it is considered 'fair' and 'just'. I would also assume it is the 'norm'.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 10:59 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
No I don't know what the outcome will be. He's been in there 3 months and hasn't even had a bond hearing yet!! Even though having one won't help him cause there is no one willing to bond him out so that doesn't help him much. He's gonna be there until he goes to trial or plea bargains or whatever. He does have a lawyer paid for by his brother because the sentences for his crimes range anywhere from 10-20 yrs. His lawyer told me he was trying to get him time served so I really have no idea what will become of this. i am still in comtact with him through letters. I'm not mad, it is what it is and he realizes I did what I had to do to protect son and I. He may be angry at himself but he knows I did what I had to do as far as the marriage goes. We are on decent terms and can still lay it all on the table with each other so it's not an angry, throat slashing divorce. I realize he's a lost and hurt person and needs to quit running from his problams like he has for so long. I do have compassion for him and the situtaion he's in but who has comapssion for what my son is not getting that he should be?? Certainely not the courts. He gets a free ride this time and to whose expense: OURS!!
| JennyLynn |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 11:06 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
<<Pretty>>
LMAO :)
| JennyLynn |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 11:08 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
<<He gets a free ride this time and to whose expense: OURS!! >>
I understand your frustration, but he's hardly getting a free ride. He's facing the consequences to his actions. And while I understand that yes, it is at your son's expense, he is a criminal, and he has to have punishment for his crimes. Would you rather he not be sentenced to jail, simply b/c he has a child to support? That would never happen.
How is your son taking this? How long did you say you've been separated? Do you work?
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 11:15 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I felt like I was attacked when I was told that I should have known he was a loser before I had a baby with him. We married when we were 18 and have been married for 18 yrs. and he has not been a homeless,addict/alcoholic,jobless loser for many years. Our kid is 14, and he was a responsible human being for a long time!!
| JennyLynn |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 11:16 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
<<Our kid is 14, and he was a responsible human being for a long time!! >>
Did something happen to cause him to change?
I have a friend who went through something similar. They were married young, had a child, were together 10 years when he was in a bad motorcycle accident - became hooked on pain pills, a drug addict, now is on/off the streets, homeless, etc. So I do understand how that can happen.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 11:18 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Yes he got mixed up in alcohola nd drugs and when I say it got him, IT REALLY GOT HIM. I didn't even know the man that was in court with me yesterday. I know the old guy he used to be and he's not that anymore that's for sure!!
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 11:33 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Our son is fine with all of it and pretty much knows how his dad is. He doesn't know he back in jail because until I knew something more concrete to tell him I don't think it would be beneficial in any way for son to now that. It would not be suprising to him either. He has no contact with dad and seems to be fine with that because he knows he could be caught up in some of his dad's crap if he is around him. He says he has no desire to talk to him or see him and he's now old enough and has seen enough to make those decisions. Son knows his dad is into drugs and alcohol amongst his other various activities. I do work full-time and go to school full-time. I will finish my associate next fall then onto my bachelors. We have been seperated 1.5 years. Our son is going blind in one eye so I also have 2 insurances on him since we see so amny specialists about his eye disease. He had cataract surgery this past summer and is doing good. It's PURE INSANITY contiuing to try to help someone who obviously doesn't want it. In the end I really believe now he likes that kind of lifestyle. His DOC is crack amongst any other drugs available at the time. It's really a sad situtation for all. His family alos has no contact with him because of his lifestyle and choices. He just got back in touch with his brother since he went to jail and the rest of them don't want him to have their addresses. He is in jail in a state where son and I are his only family and he has no friends except drug/no good friends and even they are no where to be found.
| JennyLynn |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 11:43 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you have a LOT on your plate.
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 11:46 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I don't appreciate you calling me something that needed to be censored. I merely voiced an opinion, which I will stick by.
You've been separated for greater than a year. As you've put it, you couldn't find him to serve him so you stepped up to the plate and did what you had to do. Although I do sympathize, I will stand by my opinion that you haven't had child support for the time that you've been separated and while it absolutely isn't fair, you can't get money from him while he's incarcerated.
When he comes out of jail/prison, he will hopefully have gotten clean and sober.....perhaps hiw viewpoint will have changed and he will voluntarily pay what he should have been paying all along. I saw the judge's ruling as holding it until the outcome of a criminal trial --
You haven't had an order for CS for the time that you've been separated and while it is wrong of him not to support his child, it's equally wrong to slap him with an order that CANNOT be enforced.
I'm sorry if you don't like my opinion but from the original post, it sounded as if you were speaking of a very young child and a short marriage. I couldn't possibly have given an informed opinion without information to work with.
I also absolutely agree with you that trying to help someone that doesn't want help is just banging your head against a wall. Addicts have to decide themselves that they need help.
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 11:48 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I do not attack -- FTR.
What has your son not gotten because his dad has the problems that he does? Aside from a parent, which is the most important thing there is.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 11:52 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
He has been paying me support since we've been seperated.
| JennyLynn |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 11:52 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Was there a CS order in place?
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 12:55 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Although he may have been paying you since you've been separated, without a CS order, that money is considered a gift -- he was not ordered to pay it.
If the very first CS issue that was heard by a court is the one that you're referencing, then it stands to reason that a judge wouldn't order something that simply CAN'T be paid, given his circumstances.
It would also be a huge help to those of us attempting to assist you if you gave all the information necessary to do that. You must realize that from all of your postings, you NEVER said that he had been paying you all along -- you said that you couldn't FIND him to serve him until he was in jail. It was a logical assumption that he hadn't been paying support, based on those statements.
I'm interested though -- how did he get the support to you? Was it in cash, delivered in person? Mail? did he pay it at the same time every month? If so, then what was the problem in serving him?
| ILMimi |
| (addict) |
| 11/14/09 01:00 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I was married to my ex for 19 years. He is also an alcoholic/drug addict and living in a "group home" in another state. He is incapable of keeping a job and is on welfare and food stamps.
He used to have a great job at $45K. Then his problems became worse and he was repeatedly fired from his jobs. His last job he made $22K.
He owes me $6000+ in unpaid medical and extracurricular for the kids as well as $5000+ in back CS.
I've written it all off. The guy can barely buy himself groceries. I can support myself and the kids without his support. I could clearly take him back to court but where will that get me?
Let him take care of himself and I'll take care of us.
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 01:06 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
"I'm interested though -- how did he get the support to you?"
I have to admit, I was surprised to read he paid support... drug and alcohol addiction, homeless, jobless? But pays cs??
| Redlegg |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 01:40 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Obama cash
| Miranda |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/14/09 01:48 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
[quote]I've written it all off. The guy can barely buy himself groceries. I can support myself and the kids without his support. I could clearly take him back to court but where will that get me?
Let him take care of himself and I'll take care of us. [/quote]
I agree. My ex is loser who lives off of women. He owes me enough CS that would send my son to college but he refuses to pay it. I will no longer waste time and energy thinking about it.
My motto is "you do you, and I will do everything else."
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/14/09 10:38 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
He worked odd jobs towards the end or worked at a job long enough 2-4 weeks to get some cash. He was also shoplifting and stealing out of stores and either selling it on the streets or giving it to the dealer. I would go meet him at either a gas station or wherever he was parked cause he was out of gas. I would run to go get the money before he had a chance to make it to the liquor store or the dealer. The man I see today is a mere shell of a person I used to know. he used to have a CDL license and now he doesn't have that anymore. I don't know how many times I told him to take care of that cause that was his livelihood (OTR). He didn't listen. So if he does ever get released he has no home, no car, no license, no job, absolutely nothing. His belongings are in his van which was towed when he was arrested for beating up his 20 yr. old crackwhore girlfriend. Man my life could be a soap opera - HAHA!!! Thanks you guys for the opinions of everyone. I've grown alot through this experience of being married to him and have learned alot of important lessons I will put to good use in my future :)
As far as the censored word, I'm sure you know what assuming does, and that's exactly what you did. I'm not some 20 yr. old with a 2 yr. old and don't care for people to make assumptions about me when it is so far from the truth it's crazy. I do appreciate your other input though. Since I stand up for myself now I just call it like I see it. Nobody has to like it or accept it but that's my truth and only mine.
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/15/09 12:26 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
"Since I stand up for myself now I just call it like I see it."
How about learning to stand up for yourself without name calling like a 3rd grader? Nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, but people tend to not take you all that serious when you go on the offensive like THAT.
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/15/09 07:49 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I'm not trying to belabor any point, but if you go back and read your original post, try and see eit from my perspective, if you would.
I made an assumption that was incorrect, I grant you. What information was in your post that would have led me down a different path? There are no ages, no length of the marriage, no age of the child, no real information at all.
Having been on this board for a few years, and having read as many posts as I have, I know the others that responded to you would agree wtih me that this type of story usually comes from young girls that made a bad mistake.
I agree with what Sherron said -- and not because she defended me -- when you come out of the box like that, with name calling, it's rather difficult to then take you very seriously.
Even with you being in your 30's, I'm still quite a bit older than you and wouldn't dream of addressing someone the way you did. I too **call it like I see it** and did -- but I didn't have to be unpleasant like you were.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/15/09 11:28 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I guess I've been on the defensive so long being married to him, that is stil something I need to work on. Sorry for any and all feelings I have hurt here. Being on the defensive has been a constant in my life for a long time and I do need to try to see it from other's views. Thank you for bringing that to my attention and now I will go away and work on myself some more :)
| Redlegg |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/15/09 11:31 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Why would you go away ?
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/15/09 11:57 AM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
"Why would you go away ? "
No kidding. Stick around. We're a fairly easy going bunch most of the time. And I don't think anyone expects you to agree with every opinion you hear, but just be civil when you disagree.
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/15/09 01:06 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
I echo the others - why would you go away?
We are a fairly easy going group of people and the people that have replied to your OP are some of the easiest to get along with, including me.
You may find, as your case progresses, that we have some collective experience that may help you in your quest.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/15/09 02:51 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Thanks you guys!! I didn't mean to literally go away just meant I would go away and work on me some more :) I have a felling I will be here posting often because I do want to be the bigger person and be a more healthy person.
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/15/09 03:08 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
Hey, for what it's worth... I do think you got a $hitty hand dealt with the cs... I'd be pi$$ed as well, at least for a while.
| hessie30 |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/15/09 04:06 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our kid
|
It is crappy that he once again "gets away" with shirking his responsibilities but I got the most important thing of all: our son and the chance to help him grow into a responsible young man who being a productive member of society. I was really happy just to walk away with sole custody and to be divorced from him. Christmas came early for me this year :) I've been through all the anger stages and I'm not even that anymore. I try not to think about it too much cause I would stay angry at him. I take care of son and I and do my best in school and work and life in general. I'm still going to do some shecking into seeing if instead of it being held in abadment maybe could it be held in contigency of him being released and after 1 month to find a job. I'm not mean, just want what is due our son. Divorced from him and his choices still affect us cause now he is unable because he is locked up. UUGGHH!! I did my own divorce and the total cost was $100; pretty proud of myself for being able to complete that process by myself. Anyway I am just trying to avoid spending anymore money to have him found or served once he gets out. Whatever, karma will get him sooner or later, believe that!!
| d0b0vgall2020 |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 11/15/09 04:08 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our k
|
I agree with Sherron. I almost posted to your thread last night. It's more than okay to vent and get it out. I do it all the time. Just remember that in reality, you're the lucky one. You get to be with your son. :)
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/15/09 08:33 PM |
|
Re: Incarceration = NO CS order, not fair to our k
|
"I was really happy just to walk away with sole custody and to be divorced from him."
Next time you get angry over ex getting out of his responsiblities, try reminding yourself of that. Look at it this way. From what you're saying, your ex likely would not be the best influence on your kid. Now, you don't have to worry about it. No fights over parenting time. No game playing. And all it cost you was cs.