| AngelBaby |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/12/11 05:20 AM |
50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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I want to start with an apology if I start ranting because anytime I talk about my sons biological mom I get irritated because she causes turmoil in our family.
My husband and I have primary physical custody Sunday afternoon through Fridays after school and bio mom has him on the weekends. (In the summer it is flip flopped but we still have primary physical)
However, the legal custody (life changing decisions such as school, medical, extracurricular, etc...) is split 50/50.
Now, because our son is with us during the entire school week I am the one working with him on homework and staying involved with the school (she is allowed to be involved with the school too such as teachers meetings but she is rarely ever there) I see how much my son is struggling. He is very social and on top of that he has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactive disorder. To say the least it is very difficult for him to function adequately in a classroom with twenty+ other students. His teachers have said many times (understatement) that he was sent to the principals office for the rest of the day because he was so disruptive in class that they couldn't even teach the lesson for the day. He is going into fourth grade this year and I fear the worst. I really don't want a repeat of last year. It was VERY taxing on our whole family.
I have been looking at other options that may help my son through this stage in his life with minimal emotional scars. I have been researching cyber school (still considered public schools!) I even took him to one of their conferences so he could check it out and see what it would be like if he was enrolled. He said to the instructor that he wanted to get started already. He was really excited about it. (I was/am too)
Now we get to the part that's really frustrating me. My husband and I brought this idea to my sons biological mom. Almost immediately she became upset and emotionally unstable and started crying and saying that we don't care about her opinion that we make all the decisions for our son and so on. She doesn't even want to let him test it out with the possibility of, if it doesn't work out we would un-enroll him and get him back in where he's at now. She doesn't even want to think about the possibility of him going anywhere else, even at the cost of him bombing again this year. *sigh*
Her argument is that she wants him to have a normal childhood with the memories of school and blah blah... I know what kind of memories he's making at school because I hear from his teachers and the principal almost daily. :( I honestly was looking at the cyber schools because it would get him out of the social setting of public school so that he can focus on learning. All she seems to be worried about is how many friends he has which in my opinion is a very poor reason for allowing your kid to continue in a place where you know he is struggling to no end.
For the sake of not fighting with her we have decided not to move forward with anything as of yet. What happens when he goes back to school here and still has the same problems. Possibly even worse (he's hitting puberty too).
Should we get a lawyer involved? Do we have a chance of being able to make cyber school a reality? Is there a possibility of changing the legal custody to 49/51 over this issue? any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
| Goodmom |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 07/12/11 05:33 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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I can certainly see why your stepson's Mother is upset.
50/50 legal means the father can't move forward with changing schools without the mother's permission or a judge saying he can. Changing schools is a major decision that his mother and father need to come to an agreement on.
Chances are they will side with the father since he has primary physical custody.
If your husband wants to pursue changing schools, he really should consult with an attorney.
Oh, and stop talking to the child about changing schools. It's not a done deal and it's really not fair to involve him like that. If a judge or the mother agrees to the change, that is when the parents tell the child.
| AngelBaby |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/12/11 06:00 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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Honestly I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because I deal with at least 90% of his schooling issues. I make sure I inform her of every teacher meeting, every extra cruicular activity, every special event going on with the school involving our son. Yet, she shows up and participates maybe 10% or less of the time. I have even kept her informed about the problems he has had at school so she knows what he is going through. I really think for her at this time that it is a control issue and not about his education at all. :(
We live in the same town about maybe 10 blocks away from eachother. If he was able to do cyber school he would be at our home and either my husband or I would be here to help him through his assignments. The cool think about it too is that he can take his school work wherever there is an internet conection which he has at both mom and dads. I really thought she would be excited about it but she was totaly turned off from the idea of helping him with school work at home... :( She is always talking about wanting more yet she never wants to do the work too. She says she wants to be involved but then opportunity comes along and she refuses to work for it.
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/12/11 08:10 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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First, if bio-mom doesn't like it, then you have hit a wall. The decisions are split 50/50 and without a court getting involved the short is he should stay where he is.
Second, I think if your SS is disruptive to the point of being dismissed from class and nearly failing a grade, maybe there is more work to be done in the home with choices and consequences. I am not being critical of what you in the home because I don't know but my first thought is when we had trouble in school with my ADHD SS consequences following him home really led to a turnaround. He is 17 now, in 11th grade and doing so well.
I've done virtual school which is possibly the same or similar to cyber school. My hubby and I have 50/50 shared visitation of my SK's and she did public school and virtual school to make up a first grade at the same time. She prefers regular school after completing it because of the lack of social involvement in virtual school. There were some discussions and live chats but mostly a girl alone in a room on a computer. She is very social.
Would a summer cyber class be available so bio-mom could get to know more about the program and maybe ease her fears should you decide to pursue that route? Perhaps a short summer term would help her in her decision.
| MrsB |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/12/11 08:15 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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"But refuses to work for it".
I gotta say I have an issue with this statement. I also have an issue with you referring to your stepson as "my son" - and honestly I am usually not bothered by involved stepparents as my husband is one. But I also believe the bioparent should have the primary role in parenting as it is their child. My son's father isn't very involved but he's still his father. Maybe I'm just cranky this morning but I found your post very much about you - amd everything you do for your stepson. What does his dad do for him?
Why does your husband have custody?
I'm sure it may be difficult for BM to come to term with her son's ADHD if she doesn't see him every day and see what he struggles with. I wonder if your husband may try a different approach and contact her directly instead of having you do it? Does your husband not involve himself in his son's activities and schoolwork?
Lastly - whether or not you agree, your hubamd and BM have 50/50 decision making power. If your husband truly feels changing school would be in his son's best interest he needs to consult with BM more about it and possibly an attorney if it needs to go that far.
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/12/11 08:42 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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[quote]Honestly I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because I deal with at least 90% of his schooling issues. I make sure I inform her of every teacher meeting, every extra cruicular activity, every special event going on with the school involving our son. Yet, she shows up and participates maybe 10% or less of the time. I have even kept her informed about the problems he has had at school so she knows what he is going through. I really think for her at this time that it is a control issue and not about his education at all. :(
We live in the same town about maybe 10 blocks away from eachother. If he was able to do cyber school he would be at our home and either my husband or I would be here to help him through his assignments. The cool think about it too is that he can take his school work wherever there is an internet conection which he has at both mom and dads. I really thought she would be excited about it but she was totaly turned off from the idea of helping him with school work at home... :( She is always talking about wanting more yet she never wants to do the work too. She says she wants to be involved but then opportunity comes along and she refuses to work for it. [/quote]
I have always dealt with school issues with my SK's. It's just not BM's thing. It doesn't mean she loves them any less or she doesn't want to work for it. It's just something I am better at handling and my job offers the flexibility to be more involved.
Managing virtual school at home is not easy, especially when you're working full time and managing a household. There is a lot of parental involvement and if teaching isn't BM's thing, it's likely helping in a full time capacity isn't a good idea. I can understand wanting to be involved but not wanting him to be in cyber school. My nephew is ADHD and he is quite a handful. My mother is a retired teacher and she declined virtual school as an option for him.
| Tweeby |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/12/11 09:36 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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So far the answers you have been given have been great. I have a few comments to make.
Your SS has been dx as ADHD, what type of med is he on and why has the destruptive behavior been allowed to go on for so long? Being ADHD is NOT an excuse for acting up. You need to get him on the right meds and/or use behavior modification when he starts to act up.
When did you tell the BM about the cyber school (I'm also going to assume internet school). Was she apart of the process from the beginning or did you and your husband just spring it on her after you decided? IMO, it doesn't matter if your husband and the BM have 50/50 or if your husband has sole legal custody, BOTH parents should be in agreement for the internet school.
For the younger grades (elementary school) there is a LOT of work for the parent to do. It has it pros and cons (I did with with 2 children). It is not easy nor is it for everyone. Some kids do well and others do not.
I was a CSM and dealt with most of hte school issues for my YSS, just as I did with my own children. My husband received custody after filing for custody due to educational neglect of the BM. So needless to say that the BM I dealt with did not do much about school issues, which included homework on weekends. We learned to deal with it. My YSS graduated HS in June.
My husband had sole legal custody. The BM only had 'veto' rights when it came to sending the child to a school that was not for our residence. In a nut shell, I schooled our 2 boys at home (internet school) and the court didn't want the child homeschooled again (while he was living with the BM and he failed that grade) without the approval of the BM.
| SamsDad |
| (journeyman) |
| 07/12/11 06:58 PM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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My little brother was diagnosed with ADHD and had to struggle through school for a few years until he found a few things he was good at and then he hung with those kids and did great. 4th grade - hm...so that would make him what...9 or 10? If you pull him out and give in to his possible "handicap" he will learn his whole life that because some doc told him he had a "disorder" he gets to pop around what eeeeveryone else has to get through. As adults we learn to break the cycle of what happened in elementary school. And those of us who don't have issues but it's not the end of the world.
To be honest - the whole "my son" thing is really a problem. My fiance raises my daughter 90% more than her own mother does but she doesn't walk around saying "my daughter" as though her "biological" mother isn't in the picture. It's rude and actually makes YOU sound like the control freak...not the bio mom. MOM probably wants what every other parent wants - a say in their child's life. So what if she isn't around sometimes or isn't as perfect as a mother as you are!? She is still the MOTHER and you are the step parent. Until that child is old enough to make the decision that he honors YOU as his mother over her, then and only then should you really refer to yourself as his mother and even then it's a little weird of you to alienate the mom.
Point is - you want something the mother doesn't want for her child. Tough. Unless you get a lawyer involved, you won't be able to change her mind. Maybe next time, if you bring the idea to her before you emotionally invest in a decision and get the CHILD involved, you might see the result you are looking for.
Whenever my ex corners me on a decision she has made without consulting me, it makes me furious (i.e. moving without consent, chopping our kids hair off, picking a pre-school without telling me).
If you start getting your SS on board with the idea that he has something wrong with him when really its something he could grown out of, he will live with it forever. Maybe mom just wants him to have a "normal" experience in school because she cares about his well being. Just because you think something is right and she doesn't agree doesn't mean she is a control freak or doesn't have his interests in mind.
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/12/11 07:19 PM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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Your H "could" get a lawyer involved BUT that opens the door for mom to request a change in custody also. Considering that your H has pretty much turned over responsibility of the child to you and you have gone behind her back and made a choice in changing schools BEFORE involving her it may not bode well for him. No the courts will not change legal custody to 49/51. It's shared legal custody or sole legal custody and given that the co-parenting is already not happening from dad I doubt the courts will award him sole custody just so you can have even more control.
ADHD is used as an excuse for bad behavior far too often by people who do not want to actually teach their children how to act. I have a bi-polar child (who is now at teen, soon to be at the age of majority) and believe me she does NOT get to use it as an excuse. I've had the police put her in handcuffs more than once. You want to fly off the handle or cause a disturbance then you learn to live with the consequences. Waht makes you think that simply removing him from school is going to be the answer? There is way more to it than that.
What does his counselor say about online school? Maybe he needs a change in meds or if he hasn't been on them long needs time to adjust. Personally I think taking away all social aspects of school is going to do more harm than good.
She has a right to be upset with the way things were handled and it sounds as if she's right that her opinions were not taking into consideration. Stop and walk in her shoes. Put your H in the place of the NCP who is "told" what is going to be done with a child that's half his. How well would HE take it? of course she wants him to have a normal childhood. Who doesn't want that for their child?
| c_jane |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 07/12/11 08:32 PM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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I agree with the others. The FATHER has willing turned the majority of raising HIS son over to YOU. Which has resulted in YOUR referring to the boy as 'my son'. He is no more your son than I'm your daughter. He has TWO parents. Your husband may think the MOM is a turd that crawled out of the ground (and you may too) but she is STILL, and always WILL BE, 'the Mom'. You will not.
Stop trying to cut the Mom out of the boy's life. If the FATHER wants to consult with the teachers, counselors, etc. (which is what he should have been doing all along) then HE should present those facts to the Mom. It is solely his and HER decision -- you don't factor into it.
Frankly I think custody should be reversed. Obviously DAD wants to turn the majority of the care of HIS SON over to YOU. While the MOTHER wants to care for HER son by herself. Which would make more sense to a court? Hmmmmm???
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/12/11 09:23 PM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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So you know NOTHING about the mother except that she is RARELY involved in schooling, and you advocate a custody reversal? Great call...BAER
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/13/11 01:42 PM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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I agree with the jest of others' opinions that have posted. You are not the parent and therefore your thoughts or opinions of what schooling the child receives might be appreciative, but, it is not your call.
I agree with SamsDad, the mother could have felt that you cornered her into this. You could have approached her with it and met with the school together. That way she doesnt feel like you are replacing her....which to me, it does sound that way. You may love that child, you may want the best for that child, but you are not the mother. You may be stepping up to the plate to be a parenting role to the child....but, that is your decision. Let the parents take a swing.
I do understand that being a step parent is difficult, I am one. Along with being a parent. However, you need to set your role. You need to decide what you can handle. If it is too much for you to grasp that either one of the bio parents dont agree with you...and you have no leg to stand on? It might be best for you to step down and let Dad be the Dad.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 01:48 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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Hi Angel,
I have to say that I agree with Mrs B that constantly referring to your stepson as your son is rather offensive. He has an involved mother. I am a bio mom, but an still married to their dad, so there are no step parent jealousy issues here. Many of the people reading your post may be bio moms with overstepping stepmoms in the picture, so your coice of titles in the context of your posting here could be inflammatory. It might help you get better responses to your actual questions and avoid caustic responses if you stick to calling him a ss.
Regarding your issue with his schooling, I would also be disappointed that bio mom isn't open to exploring other options. I'm not suggesting she should agree with you, but I think exploring possibilities is always a good thing.
In my experience and opinion, I don't think switching to cyber school is the best way to go. I'm not saying because my ADHD child has adapted to regular school that ALL ADHD kids WILL be able to, but I think they would be better off in the long run if solutions to help them manage in regular school are sought.
As already mentioned, you don't want to teach the child that ADHD is an excuse not to function in standard settings. After all of his schooling is completed, the goal should be for him to find a job and function in society. If he is to be successful in that, he has to get used to controlling himself, following rules, and trying to please authority figures.
Is he on meds ? Is he in behavioral therapy ? Is he in counseling ? How is his behavior at home ? With his peers ?
With effective therapies, the vast majority of ADHD people do manage to function well. The ones with access to effective therapies who have a harder time usually have other significant compounding diagnoses. There are some with ADHD who don't fare so well, usually be they don't have access to or don't avail themselves of/aren't encouraged with appropriate therapy.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 03:04 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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I think you haqve a tough row to hoe, but I just wanted to SUPPORT your choice to look at and treat and even CALL the child you SON. What you have on here is a lot of MOSTLY women who are REALLY insecure about their place in their chaildren's lives, and are scared that SOMEONE ELSE will get the "Mom" title. The way I look at it, the more parents that love a child, the better. Some of the women on here have BAD step parents, are are unable to separate their OWN situations out of OTHER people's situations.
If YOU are comfortable with it, and the KID is comfortable with it, for it.
| Goodmom |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 07/14/11 04:43 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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[quote]Honestly I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because I deal with at least 90% of his schooling issues. [/quote]
It doesn't matter what you think, you are not the mom. She is.
And changing schools should not be discussed with HER child until it is a done deal. BTW, it's not a done deal until either the parents (mother and father, not mother, father and stepmother) come to an agreement or the judge decides. Until then, telling the child is off limits.
BTW, the Mom probably has a problem with her son being isolated from other kids (which isn't going to help her son deal with others when he is grown) rather than her having to help her son with homework.
| SRS |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 07/14/11 05:58 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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Most Dad's would be offended if the new SF started referring to himself as "Dad" and overstepping. Really, they would.
It isn't insecurity, it is realizing that you aren't the parent. You are the step.
| greeneyes |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 08:23 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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And I wonder about the dad's who would be ok with the stepmom calling his child "her child" or "mom" when there is an involved bio mom. I think that is where the insecurity lies. If dad can't respect biomom enough to stop that behavior from his new spouse, HE is the one with the issue.
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 08:34 AM |
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Totally depends on the context. I call my SK's my kids here on occasion. Because in the context of the forum, they aren't your kids, they're mine.
And no one says the kid is calling her mom. She is referring to him as her son, he could call her Hey Lady for all we know.
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 08:35 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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My kids call me by my name, I am not their mom and their mom is right there, two miles away. They have a mom. Now they have a mom and a stepmom. More love without the worry of who is mom because we all know.
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 08:41 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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"I call my SK's my kids here on occasion."
No cookies for you...
| MrsB |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 08:58 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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Nothing to do with being insecure as it has to do with respect. To the very least she could've said "our" child. It's all "my my my". THAT is what I took issue with.
My DH is a very involved stepdad - and DS is absolutely like a son to him amd DS considers himself to have two dads.
So yeah. Insecurity? Not so much. Respect when the OP is in the picture and not making it sound as if it the SP who does everything? Sure.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/14/11 09:11 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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Agreed SRS. Either the stepfather or stepmother, should respect the roles and/or titles of the bio parents. We dont even know if the child refers to this step parent as "Mom". Bottom line, the stepmother is referring to this child as "my son", "our son". IMO, it shows as disrespect to the bio mother. Or bio father if the roles were reversed. I have 4 children of my own and 2 step children. So, I am on both sides of this. I know for a fact that I have earned my titled of Mother. From conception, pregnancy, labor, sleepless nights, tons of diapers...wait thats only the first year. :) My defending my title as Mother is not insecurity as I am defending both Mother and Father titles. For this step parent to grossly misuse the "my son", is why people attack on the representation of her story. If she showed a little more respect to even a online forum, maybe she would get a better response.
Also, IMO, this step parent does not respect the bio mother's decision....therefore this post. Parents disagree all the time on issues with children, whether divorced or not. This is no different. The child's mother does not feel that the cyber schooling is best. For whatever reason she feels that way, that decision should be respected. If the other parent feels so strongly, they need to take their case in front of a Judge. Or take other means of resolution to not involve the courts, co-parenting therapy, mediation, or Case Management. But, step parents be prepared, you may not be able to attend. As step parents have no legal rights. Sorry, but it is true.
Step parents don't have it easy at all. But, you knew that there were children involved before you became a step parent. You have to understand the boundaries that you have. As I stated earlier, if it is too much, then step down from what you have taken on and let the parents...be parents!
| greeneyes |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 10:06 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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I think there is a difference between "my stepchild" and "my child".
I wonder if dad is ok with her referring to the child as "my son" rather than "my stepson".
| Tweeby |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 10:18 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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On this type of forum, the family dynamics should be clear so the OP should be referring to her SS as her SS. It doesn't degrade the relationship at all.
My YSS is 18 yo, he calls me by my 1st name always has and I have been in his life since he was almost 2. He has lived her for the last 7 years. I am a mother figure to him and our relationship is like a typical mom/son relationship. He has a Mom but our relationship is separate from that.
Depends on what the situation is what I refer to him as. For most casual situations I will call him my son but for anything legal or medical wise I refer to him as my SS. Here it makes sense to call him my YSS because it clearifies who I'm talking about.
Many people do not like homeschooling and cyber (internet) school is still a newer concept. There is a bias that it is for 'troubled kids'.
As I stated earlier, internet school is not for everyone it is a lot of work for the parent, especially in the younger grades. Not every child does well with internet school, just as some kids don't do well in traditional settings. Our YS HATED regular school. I did internet school for a few years and he is back in traditional school and perfers it. OS went back to internet school for a variety of reasons but he does perfer internet school to traditional school.
IMO, both bio parents should agree with the concept or at least are willing to give it a try.
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 10:44 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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*GASP* No cookies?
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 10:46 AM |
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[quote]I think there is a difference between "my stepchild" and "my child".
I wonder if dad is ok with her referring to the child as "my son" rather than "my stepson". [/quote]
I guess I am missing your point here. Of course there is a difference.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 11:12 AM |
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And yes, I have seen that, but not NEARLY as much with as with women.
Funny story, and JUST my situation, not meant as an example. My first ex was in the "divorce" class WITH me that TExas mandates you take. This subject came up, and she was VERY vocal, insisting NO ONE would be called Mom but her. Yet almost EVERY boyfriend she has, she has the kids call him Dad, lol.
Personally, I don't care. They know who their bio parents are. I have a SLEW of my kids friends who refer to me as Dad, no big deal.
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 11:24 AM |
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"Personally, I don't care. They know who their bio parents are. I have a SLEW of my kids friends who refer to me as Dad, no big deal. "
And if that's what works for you and your family, great. For others it doesn't. Please don't assume that fear and insecurity are the only reasons and must therefor apply to everyone who doesn't see this your way. I agree that the more people to love a child the better... but surely you can love a child who calls you by your first name and not a parental title...
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 11:32 AM |
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Exactly. Not to mention we are talking stepfamilies here not candid nicknames for parents of friends. No need to lump that together. I got a kid who calls me ma. I'm like ok kid whatev.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/14/11 11:56 AM |
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Re: 50/50 split legal custody mayhem
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We all develop our opinions based from experiences or influences. Unfortunately, gr8Dad, your experiences with your ex's (women) may not have been positive and you are very quick to stab at any woman that makes a comment and say that we are insecure.
There are several people (including myself) that take the title of Mother/Father very seriously. You clearly don't have a problem with it. But, it does not give you a right to automatically assume that we or "mostly women" are insecure of our place in our childrens lives.
"The way I look at it, the more parents that love a child, the better" You are absolutely right. The more the merrier. However, it does not mean that step parents should lessen the value of parents' titles. Again, we do not know if the child even calls the step mother, Mom. I feel that she grossly misuses "my son". ANY step parent can love a child, treat them as their own, teach them as their own without the titles or claiming them as their own...my son.
"Some of the women on here have BAD step parents, are are unable to separate their OWN situations out of OTHER people's situations." - and vice versa. With your recent post of the story of your first ex, IMO, this may be where you get that woman are insecure and hold double standards. It would be nice to see YOU step outside of your box as well. Some step parents cannot see that their views, values and opinions may not always be agreed with by the bio parents, so yet again vice versa needs to be applied to your statement.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 03:54 PM |
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You ARE all insecure. We are talking about a woman who, on an anonymous message board, referred to the child as her kid to a bunch of STRANGERS...and people got offended. Grow UP.
"However, it does not mean that step parents should lessen the value of parents' titles.'
NO ONE can lessen that title except for the individual themselves.
"Again, we do not know if the child even calls the step mother, Mom. I feel that she grossly misuses "my son"."
SO you don't KNOW how it is being used, but you KNOW she greatly misuses it? INSECURE.
"ANY step parent can love a child, treat them as their own, teach them as their own without the titles or claiming them as their own...my son."
And those WITH the title can mistreat them as well, proving that the title means SQUAT.
"With your recent post of the story of your first ex, IMO, this may be where you get that woman are insecure and hold double standards."
No I get it because MOSTLY women complain about it here and in general.
" It would be nice to see YOU step outside of your box as well."
I don;t have to, because MY box is not telling someone ELSE what to do.
"Some step parents cannot see that their views, values and opinions may not always be agreed with by the bio parents"
Having BEEN a step parent, as long as my views agreed with my current SPOUSE< I could care less what their EX felt about it.
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 04:20 PM |
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Meh, you don't know if anyone here is secure or insecure with themselves. You base it off one small thing...in your box that you don't have to step out of. Have fun in your box.
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 05:40 PM |
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Your cookies privilege has been reinstated, ssmom. ;)
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 06:52 PM |
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Thank you verrrrryyy much.
| javajunkiee |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 07:13 PM |
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To the original poster: I am also a step-mom, and have a BM that is less than involved in the boys schooling. At this point you may be feeling a tad defensive regarding the comments about your referring to your husbands son as yours. You love the boy, care for him day in and day out, you take on responsibilities for this child as if he were your own, so the semantics of calling him 'my son' seem minor given the subject at hand. I can completely understand where you're coming from.
With that said though, those small and simple words, while well-meaning, can be a part of the problem. You are not the boys mother - you are the stand in. You get the 'privilege' of doing all the work with this child, and even the benefit of living with him since your H has 50/50, but the woman who gave birth to him is the only one who should be referring to him as her son.
This boy is your stepson, and he's very lucky to have you there to help him and love him, but there IS a line. Whatever the cause of the stress between her, your H and yourself is, assuming a title that is factually wrong could make it worse.
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 09:23 PM |
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"What you have on here is a lot of MOSTLY women who are REALLY insecure about their place in their chaildren's lives, and are scared that SOMEONE ELSE will get the "Mom" title. "
Not at all. My kids have an awesome SM. She and I are even friends, but the "mom/dad" title is something my x and I agreed from the moment of our dvorce would be reserved only for us. Does she introduce them as "our" kids when she runs into someone she and x know? Sure, and it doesn't bother me in the least BUT if she went to school or the Dr and introduced herslf as their mother I'd be livid.
My SO was showing his BIL our new house and one of the neighbors came over and introduced herself and asked if he had kids. He said "yes", not "my SO has kids" (Which was another story because at that time no one in his family knew about us being together so he had some explaining to do to his BIL. LOL) BUT the kids don't call him dad. even my 3yo calls him by his name. She only calls her father "dad" and that's the way it will stay.
So yeah, I have an issue when any over bearing woman comes on the board and starts spouting off about "our child" or "my child". (I can't recall a man doing it) We all know there are 2 sides to every story and the bio-parent who isn't on the board is not always as bad as the one posting wants us to think.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/14/11 10:01 PM |
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So which side are you on, I am confused. First you say, "Does she introduce them as "our" kids when she runs into someone she and x know? Sure, and it doesn't bother me in the least BUT if she went to school or the Dr and introduced herslf as their mother I'd be livid." Indicating that calling them her kids is okay, as long as she doesn't use the title "Mom" for herself.
Then, you say, "So yeah, I have an issue when any over bearing woman comes on the board and starts spouting off about "our child" or "my child"."
SO you think a person doing what you are okay with YOUR child's step parent doing is now "over bearing". That would appear to be a double standard.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 02:34 AM |
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[quote]I think you haqve a tough row to hoe, but I just wanted to SUPPORT your choice to look at and treat and even CALL the child you SON. What you have on here is a lot of MOSTLY women who are REALLY insecure about their place in their chaildren's lives, and are scared that SOMEONE ELSE will get the "Mom" title. The way I look at it, the more parents that love a child, the better. Some of the women on here have BAD step parents, are are unable to separate their OWN situations out of OTHER people's situations.
If YOU are comfortable with it, and the KID is comfortable with it, for it. [/quote]
********************************************
Awww
That's so sweet !
Unfortunately, I remember you ripping a few women posters a new one when they referred to a child as "my son" or "my daughter" BECAUSE that was a dis to the NCP dads.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 02:52 AM |
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[quote]Exactly. Not to mention we are talking stepfamilies here not candid nicknames for parents of friends. No need to lump that together. I got a kid who calls me ma. I'm like ok kid whatev. [/quote]
*******************************************
I used to tell my kids that I would prefer it if the referred to me as 'Beautiful Princess Mommy'
A exchange from back in the day might go like.....
me: "DYS please pick up your backpack and shoes from where you left them at the front door"
ys: "Yeah, um, I'm almost at level 9 in xyz video game"
me: "Excuse me ? WHAT did you say ?"
ys: "Oh sorry.....Oh, Beautiful Princess Mommy, may I please take care of the in 5 minutes so that I can get to a point in this game where I can save it ?"
YS's BFF, a bit of a wise guy and occassional suck up, will still call me that....or Beautiful Priness Mrs X when he is trying to butter me up about something.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 02:56 AM |
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"You ARE all insecure"
Well, as long as we're not generalizing.....
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 02:59 AM |
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"No I get it because MOSTLY women complain about it here and in general."
And you make the leap from that to ALL women are insecure how, exactly ?
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 03:03 AM |
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[quote]Meh, you don't know if anyone here is secure or insecure with themselves. You base it off one small thing...in your box that you don't have to step out of. Have fun in your box. [/quote]
******************************************
I think you need a few updates there ssmom, I think he make many of his conclusions because he HAS a small thing....and he yells from atop that box to make himself feel like a big man.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 03:12 AM |
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[quote]"What you have on here is a lot of MOSTLY women who are REALLY insecure about their place in their chaildren's lives, and are scared that SOMEONE ELSE will get the "Mom" title. "
Not at all. My kids have an awesome SM. She and I are even friends, but the "mom/dad" title is something my x and I agreed from the moment of our dvorce would be reserved only for us. Does she introduce them as "our" kids when she runs into someone she and x know? Sure, and it doesn't bother me in the least BUT if she went to school or the Dr and introduced herslf as their mother I'd be livid.
My SO was showing his BIL our new house and one of the neighbors came over and introduced herself and asked if he had kids. He said "yes", not "my SO has kids" (Which was another story because at that time no one in his family knew about us being together so he had some explaining to do to his BIL. LOL) BUT the kids don't call him dad. even my 3yo calls him by his name. She only calls her father "dad" and that's the way it will stay.
So yeah, I have an issue when any over bearing woman comes on the board and starts spouting off about "our child" or "my child". (I can't recall a man doing it) We all know there are 2 sides to every story and the bio-parent who isn't on the board is not always as bad as the one posting wants us to think. [/quote]
*******************************************
I think you have some perfect examples there of when it's perfectly acceptable to most people to just keep the conversation simple with strangers or some acquaintances vs when someone is overstepping their bounds and overstating their relationship because of their own needs.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/15/11 07:06 AM |
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gr8Dad, it is soooo easy for you to criticize a STRANGER though isnt it? You dont know me or the original poster.
I have gone by the facts of the original poster's story. You go by assumptions!!!
Maybe I need to dumb it up for you. This step parent (not the bio parent) calls the step child (not her bio child) her son. Even though she may have the best intentions in the world for that child. She clearly, as the majority of the people here feel, has overstepped her boundaries.
I have seen several comments with gr8Dad's name all over them....mostly trying to prove that you have a point to a bunch of STRANGERS!
You sir, are insecure. You have to downgrade anyone with a different opinion that does not share yours.
You remind me of my ex so much it is scary. You throw temper tantrums "I dont have to", think that you are the best parent out there, "Gr8Dad", attack any criticism in your direction rather than looking in the mirror and have the attitude "its my way or no way".
So, the majority of the comments on this thread alone, all of the posters are wrong? Really? Are YOU that clueless? Maybe your thought process is the messed up one here? I highly doubt that a overly confident, pompous jerk like you would EVER see that!!!
Again, just as my ex. Cant see that he is the common denominator that 2 of his ex wives have left him for abuse and the 3rd actually pressed charges of battery. But, still cries "woe is me", such the victim.
Yes, gr8Dad, you are the victim....of yourself! Step down from your soapbox and examine your comments and yourself.
You sir, you dont "get it". "No I get it because MOSTLY women complain about it here and in general." So would it be fair for me to say that MOSTLY men complain about it here....as you do?!?! Uhh yeah didnt think so.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 12:21 PM |
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I have done so when the "MY son/daughter" was stated in the CONTEXT of possession, and in the manner that the OTHER parent should have no say in matters. Completely different situation.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 12:28 PM |
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"gr8Dad, it is soooo easy for you to criticize a STRANGER though isnt it? You dont know me or the original poster."
I did not criticize YOU, I commented on your STATEMENT.
"This step parent (not the bio parent) calls the step child (not her bio child) her son."
No, she REFERRED to the child as her son HERE. We do not know what she does in real life.
"Even though she may have the best intentions in the world for that child. She clearly, as the majority of the people here feel, has overstepped her boundaries."
Oh, well the MAJORITY is ALWAYS right, huh? Like slavery, the holacaust, etc.
"I have seen several comments with gr8Dad's name all over them....mostly trying to prove that you have a point to a bunch of STRANGERS!"
Well, just because YOU are new, does not mean the REST of us are. Many of us have been here for quite a while.
"So would it be fair for me to say that MOSTLY men complain about it here....as you do?!?!"
No, because the FACT is that a majority of the MEN on here don't CARE what they are called. There are one of two that have expressed concern, but the MAJORITY don't care.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 12:29 PM |
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"And you make the leap from that to ALL women are insecure how, exactly ?"
I NEVER said ALL women were insecure.
| LexieBelle |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 12:48 PM |
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Umm, no offense but, yeah you did:
"You ARE all insecure"
I get why you did... heat of the moment and all, but it is what you said, even though I'm sure that's NOT what you meant... but you know how it is round here ;)
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 01:04 PM |
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Come on now, common sense. "You are ALL..." is referencing the people on this board that I called insecure, not ALL women. If I am with a group on this board that is advocating something, and someone says we are "all" something, that means the group advocating whatever we are advocating, not the ENTIRE gender.
It is stretching in order to stir the pot and make me look bad. Just like finz with the small penis comment. They KNOW they have nothing to argue about, so they turn to personal insults and LIES.
| LexieBelle |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 01:09 PM |
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lol., yes, well.. we've ALL been guilty of that interpratory lack of common sense, even you sometimes ;)
I do agree though, with what you're saying.. but that isn't going to change the nature of these boards.. the twisting of things to fit losing arguments ;) It's like the whole moving/choice discussion. let's stretch the word 'choice' to the farthest realms of something not even vaguely resembling realism than call you an ass cuz you don't get that it's a "choice". Ohhhh, okayyyyy.. and the one I particularly love? Is the never divorced, not planning TO be divorced with children, and not a stepparent fanning the flames at all hours of the day and night... Idiocy at its finest ;)
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/15/11 03:30 PM |
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Applause at your tap dance gr8Dad.
"Oh, well the MAJORITY is ALWAYS right, huh? Like slavery, the holacaust, etc" - For pete's sake man. It would be like you to bring in other issues that are irrelevant. As you do in other comments that you make. Yes, LB, that would be the exact thread I was referring too when I made the statement of seeing gr8Dad's comments. Assumptions, twisting, and stretching this WAY out of proportion seems to happen very often with gr8Dad. This only proves my point even more...either gr8Dad's way or no way. Guess the concept of majority rules passed on by.
"If YOU are comfortable with it, and the KID is comfortable with it, for it." --- Assumption. You have no idea what the kid is comfortable with OR if the child refers to her as Mom. "No, she REFERRED to the child as her son HERE. We do not know what she does in real life." - Twisting. Who cares what happens in real life?!?! We KNOW that she addressed this child as her son! That would be the problem that I, along with other had.
"I have done so when the "MY son/daughter" was stated in the CONTEXT of possession, and in the manner that the OTHER parent should have no say in matters. Completely different situation." - Hell I have no idea what to categorize this one under....Double standard? Its okay for him, but not okay for others to feel strongly about titles? Erm, really...possession. What part of the definition of "MY" do you not understand? My –pronoun 1.(a form of the possessive case of I used as an attributive adjective): My soup is cold. "My husband and I have primary physical custody" - was this statement not possessive enough for you? She doesnt have custody of this child. Her husband does. Not even this step parent is saying that the other parent should have no say nor does the poster imply any of the sort.
BTW, on a online forum, all you have is your words. Therefore, say what you mean.
But wait, hold the phone...majority is a concept??? "No, because the FACT is that a majority of the MEN on here don't CARE what they are called. There are one of two that have expressed concern, but the MAJORITY don't care." - Twisting, stretching and assumptions. FACT: I said "the majority of the comments on this thread alone" - Never said here...the entire user forum. I said this thread. When several men have the same opinion as women...could it be questioned that maybe you are wrong? OMG, the world just stopped spinning. :) Apparently you dont have to be around for ages to see that someone thrives on the drama, stirring the pot, and criticizing others... Which brings me to my next point.
"I did not criticize YOU, I commented on your STATEMENT." - Uhhh, seriously, do you know what criticize means?!?! Let me get that definition for you. Criticize –verb (used with object)1. to censure or find fault with. 2. to judge or discuss the merits and faults of: to criticize three novels in one review. I will fully admit that I am criticizing you and the poster.
For the record, I only feel that this poster has overstepped the boundaries of the step parent role due to how the "issue" was presented.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 04:43 PM |
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"Assumption. You have no idea what the kid is comfortable with OR if the child refers to her as Mom."
But if they are both comfy with it, its all good. That was the caveat of the sentence.
"Twisting. Who cares what happens in real life?!?!"
Um, are you crazy? Real life is ALL that matters.
"We KNOW that she addressed this child as her son! That would be the problem that I, along with other had."
So what she does in REAL life doesn't matter, because she did it HERE< she is a bad person? Grow the hell up.
"Twisting, stretching and assumptions. FACT: I said "the majority of the comments on this thread alone" - Never said here...the entire user forum. I said this thread."
Well, in THAT case, since you ONLY want to use this thread, then 100% of the men in this thread have no problem with it, and THAT is the FACT, since I am the only male posting on this thread.
" I will fully admit that I am criticizing you and the poster."
Well, that is the big difference between me and you. I do not know you well enough to criticize YOU personally, but I have read what you wrote and criticized THAT. We are not a sum total of a few paragraphs on a web site. But if you are too shallow to realize that, well, I cannot help that.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/15/11 05:42 PM |
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"Well, in THAT case, since you ONLY want to use this thread, then 100% of the men in this thread have no problem with it, and THAT is the FACT, since I am the only male posting on this thread." -- Correct me if I am wrong...is SamsDad not male? I am fairly sure that he is. Ooops!
"Um, are you crazy? Real life is ALL that matters." - Do you know them in real life? Talk about taking out of context. This is a online forum....I certainly can find the line between real life and a online forum. If you can tells us how we all are in real life based on the information from this forum...I am all ears. Actually strike that...I dont need you to tell me how I am as you have been wrong so far. Point is, you dont know them in real life...any more than me. So, what is real life for them...really not relevant. Plain and simple, she addressed this forum with her problem referring to her SS as her son...therefore, causing people to be up in arms at the way she presented her story.
"So what she does in REAL life doesn't matter, because she did it HERE< she is a bad person? Grow the hell up." - You are really very dense arent you. Have I EVER said that she was a bad person? Have I? Please point it out.....waiting... right, I havent. I have said that she grossly misuses my son as being a step parent and I have eluded that she may have cornered the bio mother. Heaven forbid. However, my comments...er opinion TOTALLY warranted me and others being called insecure. Not so much.
"Well, that is the big difference between me and you. I do not know you well enough to criticize YOU personally, but I have read what you wrote and criticized THAT. We are not a sum total of a few paragraphs on a web site. But if you are too shallow to realize that, well, I cannot help that." - You just like to argue for the sake of arguing....yup, I swear you have to be my ex or his twin. I never said that I was PERSONALLY criticizing you as a person. However, I do feel that your opinion is part of what makes you who you are. But, thats another topic. You do touch a fine line with stating that we (women) are insecure. Just as I did with stating that you are overly confident, pompous jerk.
I find it eerily odd that there is no response to the double standard I referred too...hmmmm.
| MrsB |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 06:17 PM |
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<<For the record, I only feel that this poster has overstepped the boundaries of the step parent role due to how the "issue" was presented. >>
That was my issue as well. However also not surprised it was turned into more than that.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 08:40 PM |
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"Correct me if I am wrong...is SamsDad not male? I am fairly sure that he is. Ooops!"
You're right, I forgot about him, my bad, sorry.
"Do you know them in real life? Talk about taking out of context. This is a online forum....I certainly can find the line between real life and a online forum. If you can tells us how we all are in real life based on the information from this forum...I am all ears."
So let me understand this, I can't judge how YOU are in real life based on YOUR posts...but you can state that SHE is pushy/overbearing, etc in real life based on what SHE posts....yeah, got it.
"I have said that she grossly misuses my son as being a step parent and I have eluded that she may have cornered the bio mother."
You mean you judged what she did in REAL LIFE based on what she posted here? I though that couldn't be done?
"You do touch a fine line with stating that we (women) are insecure. Just as I did with stating that you are overly confident, pompous jerk."
Well, first of all, I did NOT say that WOMEN were insecure, I said the women on here who had a problem with what she said were insecure. Secondly, are you deciding how I am in REAL LIFE< based on what I wrote here? I though you couldn't do that?
"I find it eerily odd that there is no response to the double standard I referred too...hmmmm."
That is because there was no double standard. I suggest you learn what that MEANS first, then try again.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/15/11 09:34 PM |
|
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Seriously, you need to get your facts straight. "So let me understand this, I can't judge how YOU are in real life based on YOUR posts...but you can state that SHE is pushy/overbearing, etc in real life based on what SHE posts....yeah, got it." - I never said that she was pushy or over bearing. For the love of everything.... Before you respond to MY quotes/statements, make sure that your response is factual. That was someone else that said that previously! "This is a online forum....I certainly can find the line between real life and a online forum. If you can tells us how we all are in real life based on the information from this forum...I am all ears." Clearly, you cannot read sarcasm well, my ENTIRE point was that you cannot judge someone from a comment that they make on a online forum... You were the one that said "Um, are you crazy? Real life is ALL that matters." I was simply pointing out that you do not know this posters real life...so how is it really everything ON A ONLINE FORUM.
I made my opinion of YOU, based off of what you have responded with...on this thread and others. It is my opinion that you are overly confident and pompous. If you choose to take that as judging you, so be it. If that is truly you in real life. Awesome, I hit the nail on the head. Either way, I couldnt care less. Just callin em as I see em. LOL
"That is because there was no double standard. I suggest you learn what that MEANS first, then try again." --- WOOOOOW! WHAT?!?!?! Are you seriously this clueless? Or do you purposely act this dense. *A double standard is the unjust application of different sets of principles for similar situations* THUS, it is okay for you to have a problem as you already admitted "I have done so when the "MY son/daughter" was stated in the CONTEXT of possession, and in the manner that the OTHER parent should have no say in matters.", but we "mostly" women cannot share your same opinion in this thread?!??! THAT IS A DOUBLE STANDARD!!!! Get a clue.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/15/11 11:04 PM |
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"I was simply pointing out that you do not know this posters real life...so how is it really everything ON A ONLINE FORUM."
EXACTLY. All she did was refer to "my son" after already STATING that she was a step parent. Yet YOU have decided that she does this in real life and it is wrong. Now, if you HAVEN'T decided that, why would you think she was stepping over a "line" by using it to STRANGERS on a MESSAGE BOARD< who ALREADY know she is the step parent?
""I have done so when the "MY son/daughter" was stated in the CONTEXT of possession, and in the manner that the OTHER parent should have no say in matters.", but we "mostly" women cannot share your same opinion in this thread?!??! THAT IS A DOUBLE STANDARD!!!! Get a clue."
Well, since you have been here all of two seconds, I will forgive that you have NO idea what I am talking about. The CONTEXT I was speaking off was one in which a poster (I have done so with men AND women) has stated something akin to, "She/he cannot do that with MY son/daughter", indicated CONTROLLED possession, not merely IDENTIFYING possession.
But I dared to disagree with you on your thread, and you are determined to prove me wrong, so I don;t expect you to "get" any of this. And honestly, as I have held MOST of the positions found in divorce and family law (NCP, CP, step parent, abused, abandoned, mediator, etc etc etc), I could really care less WHAT you think, LOL.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/16/11 07:47 AM |
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FYI, she has NEVER made a statement that she was the step parent. If that role was clear from the get go, she would not have had my response along with others.
PLEASE go back and read her post outside of your box and your opinion for 1 second. I have. I do see a concerned step parent, but that is my interpretation. As the just of her post is due to the disagreement that her opinion is not shared with the bio mother and the frustration of that. Now with my interpretation of her words, my opinion develops.
After you have done that, is it past identifying? Yes, with even the issue in general. Having a problem because the bio mother does not agree with what the step mother has presented to her?? These are the words...not my interpretation. A step parent going as far as to ask if a change of custody could happen? Does that really NOT cross the line?
In these type of situations, you do have to put the shoes on in the posters dilemma. So, lets say that the roles are reversed. It is a step father, referring to YOUR custody and YOUR children as his. Approaches you with cyber schooling and telling you that he has gone to the school with the child and the child is very excited about it. You take the approach as this bio mother and get upset (IMO, rightly so) and the step father decides to post on a forum of the issue and asks whether the step father and the ex wife can change YOUR custody that has already been set....
The opinions of women on this thread are reacting to that this would greatly upset them. If the posters dilemma was as stated above in my role reversed example, men may have the same reaction as women have. At my very first response to you, I stated that I will defend either title, mother or father.
And I have dared to disagree with you on your comments/opinion. Most of my reaction towards you is your comment of "insecure".
I too have been in a lot of roles related to divorce and family law. Both parent and step parent, NCP and CP, have gone through EVERY type of counseling, gone through parenting time and custody battles, been the victim of abuse, deal with other step parents, every service offered through the courts and I am about to start my 2nd year in law school, specifically to practice in Family Law. Does this all make my opinion any more or less valid than anyone else? No, I really wouldnt think so.
| LexieBelle |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/16/11 08:33 AM |
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Hmmm... might want to start with basic reading comprehension? She identified herself as the step-parent in her very first two paragraphs:
Quote:
I want to start with an apology if I start ranting because anytime I talk about my sons biological mom I get irritated because she causes turmoil in our family.
My husband and I have primary physical custody Sunday afternoon through Fridays after school and bio mom has him on the weekends. (In the summer it is flip flopped but we still have primary physical)
She refers to "my son" and his "biological mother" in the first paragraph. In the second she refers to her HUSBAND. So, if she is her husband's wife, and she has a son with a biological mother.. DUHHHHHHH, that makes her? Yes, a STEP-PARENT. That's the role you get when you MARRY (ie: get a HUSBAND) with someone whose child has a BIOLOGICAL MOTHER!
I'll assume your apology to Gr8 is forthcoming given the entire premise of your argument is based on your inability to ascertain basic familial roles based on biology versus marriage.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/16/11 10:05 AM |
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"after already STATING that she was a step parent" -- Did she? I see the word STATING capitalized and look for where the poster actually said "step parent". We can only come to that conclusion from HOW she has described herself. As I stated, if the role of step parent was clear from the get go. i.e. stepson, my husband's son, etc. We would more than likely not be having this discussion. He wants to be literal on "identifying" and "controlled possession". When in fact the poster exhibits the step child and her role as "controlled possession". "My husband and I have primary physical custody" - Contradictory to the step parent role...is it not?
"might want to start with basic reading comprehension?" and I apply the same to you LB. "given the entire premise of your argument is based on your inability to ascertain basic familial roles based on biology versus marriage." - This has NOT been my entire argument....have you been reading? My argument with gr8Dad is in regards to his comment of insecure and the double standards issue. You in fact pointed out his inconsistencies in his comments. Yes, these issues have been tangled with other items brought into the conversation that are irrelevant i.e. slavery, real life, etc.
You can assume an apology from me, but I assure you that it will not come. I have been told that I am shallow, need to grow the hell up and insecure. Yes, I in turn have referred to gr8Dad as overly confident, pompous and dense. We could agree to disagree. However, being on a online forum gives us that luxury to not. :) I can certainly appreciate others opinions, when they are not derogatory. Going back to my first comment to now, I have become progressively irritated with gr8dad. Yes, I admit that.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/16/11 10:21 AM |
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Got it, so we should read into the situation that she is overbearing because she refers to the child as "my son", but we SHOULDN'T read into the situation that she is married to a guy who has a child with another woman, thus making her the stepparent.
You know, if you expect people to regard and disregard various things with an eye for SOME things and a closed eye for others, you should really write the rules DOWN. Because you appear to be making them up as you go.
On the other hand, if you were not CLEAR that she was the step mom, why would you have a problem with her calling the child MY son? I mean isn't that the crux of the issue, that a STEP parent would refer to the child as "MY son"? Now you are claiming she wasn't CLEAR that she was the STEP parent. Either way, once again, you lose.
"You can assume an apology from me, but I assure you that it will not come."
Not surprising.
"I can certainly appreciate others opinions, when they are not derogatory."
Well, considering that you were the FIRST one to make derogatory comments to ME, physician heal thyself.
"Going back to my first comment to now, I have become progressively irritated with gr8dad. Yes, I admit that."
Then LEAVE. I have been here for over a DECADE, do you think some newbie is going to come on here and run me off with half assed comments and unfounded claims? PLEASE...
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/17/11 08:03 AM |
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Again gr8Dad, I NEVER said that she was overbearing. How many times have you misquoted me now? Seriously, all you thrive on is the drama of all of this. As you said, you stir the pot. Well, you stir the pot with misinformation and assumptions. Stirring the pot in a forum is to create a new opinion based off of facts. You go off on tangents. As I have said OVER and OVER. READ the WORDS. I never said that it wasnt CLEAR that the poster is in fact the STEP PARENT. But, she NEVER actually said that she was...with words. WE all had to come to that conclusion based on HOW she described herself. Its not a matter that it isnt clear that she is. You specifically said "STATING" to mean that she said it. Again, I called you out on it and you go off on a tangent.
"Well, considering that you were the FIRST one to make derogatory comments to ME, physician heal thyself." You really must not have the capability of scrolling up. Let me point THAT out to YOU yet AGAIN!!!! Ummm Duuuuuh, "What you have on here is a lot of MOSTLY women who are REALLY insecure about their place in their chaildren's lives" --- AFTER I posted. Therefore, it would be you that made the derogatory comment, hence, my reaction. GOT IT?!?!? No really....DO YOU GET IT NOW?!?!
"Then LEAVE. I have been here for over a DECADE, do you think some newbie is going to come on here and run me off with half assed comments and unfounded claims? PLEASE..." - HAHAHAHAHA *snort* HAHAHAHAHA! Does it matter how long a person has been here? What if Oooooh What if, I simply created a new ID. I dont know why you feel like your opinion is so much better than mine...or others. Giving us all your resume of family law and clearly indicating that you have been on a online forum for a DECADE, doesnt mean squat. I dont know why you feel threatened by me. This is a online forum. Where all opinions can be heard. I have not said that you should leave. I find your welcome to the site warming...in your way.
| gr8Dad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/17/11 08:10 AM |
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""What you have on here is a lot of MOSTLY women who are REALLY insecure about their place in their chaildren's lives"
Yep, I said that. Did I say I was referring to YOU, personally? Nope. Oh, but you TOOK it that way. I forgot the rule about YOU being allow to read stuff into a post, and no one else being allowed to do that, my bad.
"I dont know why you feel like your opinion is so much better than mine...or others."
Never said it was.
"Giving us all your resume of family law and clearly indicating that you have been on a online forum for a DECADE, doesnt mean squat."
So now EXPERIENCE means nothing? You must be GREAT at picking professionals..."SO he's been a doctor for YEARS, so what, it means NOTHING!"
"I dont know why you feel threatened by me."
ROTFLMAO, I don't.
"This is a online forum. Where all opinions can be heard."
Yep, mine included.
| SRS |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 07/17/11 08:27 AM |
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He has a lot of opinions and experiences (as we all do) but he will never back down. SOmetimes it is best to let it drop and not argue.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/17/11 08:37 AM |
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Can you ever just answer?!?!?! "Well, considering that you were the FIRST one to make derogatory comments to ME, physician heal thyself." -- So did your scroll function work and you were able to see that you did say something derogatory first? Just a question. I already know you said it...but, nice tap dance...AGAIN! HAHAHA!
"So now EXPERIENCE means nothing? You must be GREAT at picking professionals..."SO he's been a doctor for YEARS, so what, it means NOTHING!" -- What the hell does this have to do with the issues on here, a online forum???? You OR I could be serial killers for all we know. I will not "pick" someone as a professional based off of information from a online forum. Clouding up the issues with irrelevant things doesnt make them go away.
"ROTFLMAO, I don't." - Then why tell me to leave?!?! "do you think some newbie is going to come on here and run me off" - I never said that was my intent. But, you sure did assume it. Hence, IMO, why I would take it that I threaten you.
| annatof4 |
| (member) |
| 07/17/11 08:43 AM |
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LOL SRS, Yes, you are probably right. :)
| SweetLight |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 07/17/11 11:41 PM |
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"Yes, a STEP-PARENT. That's the role you get when you MARRY (ie: get a HUSBAND) with someone whose child has a BIOLOGICAL MOTHER!
I'll assume your apology to Gr8 is forthcoming given the entire premise of your argument is based on your inability to ascertain basic familial roles based on biology versus marriage."
----->Were you not just extremely argumentative supporting the opposite recently? And really, why do you care what time anyone posts?
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/18/11 04:31 AM |
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"Idiocy at its finest ;) "
Idiocy at it's finest is claiming one didn't have a choice about moving when one refused to consider the option of moving because she was still boinking and hoping to get back together with the nimrod who rams a 4 yo into an infant car seat. The option WAS there.
Not surprisingly, all it took was a new bed partner to SUDDENLY make the opportunity appear.
Typical.
Predicatable,
Idiotic.
| LexieBelle |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/18/11 06:08 AM |
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Yes, finz, you're right. Happy Monday!
| LexieBelle |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/18/11 08:26 AM |
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You know finz? It's more than a little creepy to me that at 5:30 in the morning you're concerned with who I was boinking when and how that fact (or non-fact, since you're a bit off timing-wise but whatever) affected my life decisions.
Really, you should try getting some sleep.. Might improve your demeanor/attitude.
As for life decisions, your glass house is oh-so-fragile, you really ought not be throwing stones.
Now, it's a GORGEOUS day, it's been a FABULOUS weekend, and perhaps you should try to get out and enjoy the day, enjoy life. It's really sad for someone NOT divorced who isn't married to someone who was divorced, and who isn't planning on any of those situations until their kids are grown to be hanging out on a divorce site acting all expert-like. Seriously, find a hobby or something, this one? Is pretty pathetic :(
| MrsB |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/18/11 09:51 AM |
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General response - I do agree moving is always a choice. I can understand at times it may not feel that way and for some it may be the best choice - but it is always a choice.
| cincsu |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/18/11 06:02 PM |
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i sent you a PM. as a SM that has been in a situation not completely different. it never ceases to amaze me how the responses in support of a BM will differ to those in response to a SM. i read a few on page 1.
if you want to see what i mean search for my username in the Sept to Dec 2010 timeframe regarding private school.