strongbus
(recently joined)
03/12/12 04:14 PM
ever have this issue

posted this in my states one but figure i do here for anyone else to give idea.

my ex game a me a list of her house rules and a note saying that if i don't follow them 100% she will punish/ground the kids after each visit with me.

anyone got any idea how to deal with this.

and i am in maine


Maury
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
03/12/12 04:19 PM
Re: ever have this issue

You have your rules in your household and she has her rules in her household. If she choses to punish the children for something you allow, that is up to her. If the children are being harmed by it, it is an issue that you may take to the Court.

I would suggest trying to mediate a resolution before the matter becomes problematic and/or have your attorney send a diplomatic but terse letter indicating that she cannot set the rules in your household.


strongbus
(recently joined)
03/12/12 04:39 PM
Re: ever have this issue

maury this is the issue. It not that she punishing the kids when they do something at her house that i allow at mine. its that she is saying that she is going punish them for breaking her house rules while at my house. for example bed time at mom's house is 7:30-8pm ever day. When over my house for my weekends i let them stay up till 9-9:30pm. She is saying if they stay up past 8pm when at my house she will ground them.

you wouldn't know of any laws i could cite when talking to her over this to get her to listen to me. She is working under the impression that unless there is a law that states she can't punish the kids for what they do at my house then she has the right to.


Maury
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
03/12/12 05:47 PM
Re: ever have this issue

As I said, if it is negatively affecting the children, mediate a resolution or file a Motion to stop it. As a preliminary matter, have an attorney send her a strongly worded letter.

elliesmom
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
03/12/12 05:49 PM
Re: ever have this issue

She has a right to punish the kids as she sees fit within the laws on abuse etc. just as you do.

Honestly I would probably tell her that I will flat out lie to you and tell the kids to do the same if she persists in this. As much as she doesn't want you in her house - she has to stay out of yours. I bet you could come up with a list of rules for her place she wouldn't like - I wouldn't suggest it unless it was merely to make a point that you both must agree to disagree and live separate lives. Like you are divorced or something.

If she actually persists and punishes the kids this I suggest you start counseling with your kids. So you have a good witness what a psychobitch she is (and loving caring father you are) when you sue her azz for custody.


strongbus
(recently joined)
03/12/12 05:58 PM
Re: ever have this issue

elliesmom if it was as easy ling to her to have her not punish the kids it be easy. But what is going on is she is saying unless i can show her proof that i am following her rules 100% then ever time the kids get home form visits they are grounded, cause in her words if i don't show proof then that ment they broke at lest one of her rules.

Annie7676
(old hand)
03/12/12 06:14 PM
Re: ever have this issue

She sounds nuts to me....I mean if the kids are really exhibiting bad behaviour at your house, breaking things, swearing, destroying things,...like totally not good behavior then yes there should be some ground rules and discipline but letting them stay up later on a weekend at your place and she punishes them?

thats sounds bizarre to me
it also sounds like she is a control freak...isn't it more important that they spend quality time with Dad rather than punish them for being at Dads and grilling them on the rules they broke

how old are they anyway?

it sounds to me like she is putting the kids in between the two of you and punishing them for something they do at Dads, just doesn't sound right to me

kids will learn very fast to lie to her, and get around this

rather than focus on what "rules" they broke, it should be lets make it best for the kids

i just find it sad..that is how she would do this.


elliesmom
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
03/12/12 06:23 PM
Re: ever have this issue

Um, and how exactly does one "prove" what time the kids went to bed. She isn't thinking this through and neither are you. She CAN'T know what goes on at your house unless she is violating privacy laws, you tell her, or the kids tell her. Take the list, mentally tell her to F off in your head, and tell her "yep, kids were extremely well behaved all weekend." In front of the kids. It won't take but 1 time for her to try this and she will make her own life a living h3ll. Her kids will hate her, and grounded kids in general is more punishment for the parent. My guess is she will give this up after ONCE if that. If she doesn't - counseling. Then a custody suit, because she is nutso. In my experience it is best to make a note of what a control freak says so you are prepared - but don't ACT until they do. You will save yourself an awful lot of grief.

almostfree
(newbie)
03/12/12 06:48 PM
Re: ever have this issue

DO NOT throw that note away. It may come in handy at a later date. Hard to dispute a note in front of a judge.

MTmom
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
03/13/12 05:41 PM
Re: ever have this issue

I wouldnt respond. She cannot control your rules in your home. If she wants to punish your children for the rules they follow while in your care, it will backfire on her and she will rapidly lose the respect of her children.

Let her live her life and parent the way she sees best. You do the same. You no longer have to agree on things like bedtimes, it's one of the perks of divorce.


strongbus
(recently joined)
03/14/12 08:32 AM
Re: ever have this issue

thanks all for the info i just feel like its her tying to run my household and interfering with my parenting time. One thing though my ex is the type that she thinks she can do something her way or make me do something her way(as in the case here) unless i can do one of 2 things. 1 show her a law that states that its illegal for her to punish the kids for what they do with me. or 2 show her something that would convince her that a judge would chew her out for doing it. Dose anyone know of some that would fit in to one of these to things i could use?

Maury
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
03/14/12 12:08 PM
Re: ever have this issue

There is nothing in the law that says it is "illegal." I am afraid, sometimes it is just common sense that it is bad parenting. A strongly worded letter from an attorney or suggestions in mediation may convince her. Sometimes, there are no Easy Fixes.


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