| whattodonow |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/02/05 05:40 PM |
Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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I've just started reading posts here and thought I could get a good idea of what to expect and what I should be doing by posting with you.
My husband and I will be married for 10 years this coming February. We live in Georgia. We have a 7 year old son and 5 year old daughter. He is 35 yrs old and I am 32. My husband has decided he is sure he wants a divorce and is planning on moving out by the end of this month. He is for the most part a fair man but is just simply not happy with me or our life together. I have convinced him numerous times in the past couple of months to keep trying for a few more weeks and see if his feelings change. They haven't. If he moves out I don't want things to linger on and want to get things finalized as quick as possible. I am a stay at home mom and haven't worked since I was pregnant with my first child (about 8 years ago). I am very involved in my kids schools and very happy with my life the way it is other then our marriage. So much is going to change for me and my kids and I just don't know where to begin with anything. My husband makes about $80,000 a year and with me not working we have always lived on a very tight budget. I certainly do not have any money for an attorney and he doesn't either but he will be able to get money from his parents. He doesn't have a collage education and I have a 2 year associate degree in business but since getting that I haven't done anything with it. I am terrified of finding a way to make it by with money issues by myself and I feel lost at the thought of trying to find a job. My kids are not going to understand this at all, when we are all together we get along as good as possible for our kids sake and I truly do not think they have any idea what's going to be happening. They've always had me home and involved with what they do. My husband works a lot of hours so really isn't home but maybe 2 or 3 nights a week. I admit I am pretty selfish with my kids and can't imagine them living with their dad if only on weekends. That sounds terrible I know. I certainly want them to have a wonderful relationship with their dad but just can't imagine what all this is going to be like. I would love any suggestions on what you think I can expect as far as child custody issues and child support issues and maybe even alimony. Is there something I should be doing now to prepare or am I just supposed to wait until after he moves out and see what his next step is? Thanks for any suggestions or advice.
| hippie1981 |
| (veteran) |
| 11/02/05 07:21 PM |
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Re: Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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Since you have been a stay at home mom for many years, you can expect to get alimony and child support. The most likely scenario is that a judge will award joint custody with 50/50 placement.
| whattodonow |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/02/05 08:12 PM |
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Re: Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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THanks for your thoughts! Does joint custody 50/50 mean no child support? I've tried looking online to learn more about custody issues but so much of it doesn't make since. I've read about joint legal custody with primary physical custody oh I don't know there's just so much but thanks again.
| Rebecca5 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/02/05 09:28 PM |
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Re: Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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The first thing I would recommend is that you get a job. I know that you love working in your children's school, but if you are on a tight budget at $80K, imagine what it's going to be like after he moves out. Think of the best financial arrangement possible after the divorce......picture yourself getting the house, child support and spousal support. Do you have enough to live on? Probably not. So....a job now, rather than a job later, is smart. If you have a little room to breathe, you can be more selective about employment choices....rather than be forced to take a job you don't really want because you need to buy groceries.
Next, I would look into some college classes to either refresh your Associates or complete a Bachelors. Even if you don't attend immediately, you need to have a plan for your future. After 10 years of marriage, I would guess that you will receive rehabilitative spousal support for a set period of time. So.....having some kind of plan that's realistic is essential. Many colleges offer classes online that would allow you to do most (if not all) of the coursework from home. There are several national scholarships for women reentering the workforce, if cost is a concern.
Then, I would look into individual and/or family counseling to help you get through this period. Divorce stinks at any time, but right before the holidays is going to be tough.
The actual divorce is going to depend a lot on how amicable the two of you can be. It will be a LOT cheaper if you can try very hard to come to terms on your own and ask an attorney to draw up the papers. I would suggest that you allow another attorney to review the papers before making anything final...as a second opinion, if you will.
If his work schedule doesn't allow him to be around much now, what are the odds that he could rearrange things to be around more....in order to parent his children? If you can make it work, 50/50 custody is the best thing for the children. They need as much access as possible to both of you. Every other weekend just isn't enough for a healthy relationship. On the upside for you, 50/50 would allow you to work some mommy-guilt-free hours or to attend an evening class, or two.
If you share 50/50, but still have a large difference in income, you would still be awarded child support. I can't find anything that says that GA supports a shared parenting CS table....so someone may be awarded "primary" custody.
You can find Georgia code here: http://www.legis.state.ga.us/cgi-bin/gl_codes_detail.pl?code=1-1-1
You want to click on Chapter 19 (19-6-15 for child support)
There is a basic child support calculator here: http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/ChildSupport/georgia/
There's a lot of good information here: http://www.gadivorceonline.com/
| passem |
| (addict) |
| 11/02/05 10:14 PM |
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All of the above AND.......
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once you're married for 10 years (so stall any final divorce order until after your 10th anniversary), you will be entitled to half the amount of his Social Security if your own comes up less than that when you reach retirement age. I know that sounds a long way off but with his earning capacity, it could make a big difference later down the road. It won't diminish what he'll be able to collect but could enhance yours.
Just something to think about.
In the meantime, gather up and make copies of all legal and financial documents, especially property deeds or receipts and take photos of joint belongings of note. Make sure you can prove all marital assets.
| Tabitha |
| (addict) |
| 11/03/05 10:26 AM |
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Re: Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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Please, before you do anything, go see a few different attorneys (most of them will give a free consultation.) I know a job sounds like a good idea, but when I was going through my divorce, my attorney recommended not making any changes until I filed and had temporary custody and support set. People on this site can give great advice, but having a good attorney is invaluable. Your STBX (soon to be ex) probably already has one. I don't want to scare you, but divorce can get very, very ugly and frequently the kind person you once knew is no where to be found. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please make sure that you protect your own interests, because as nice as your husband might seem, he will most definitely be looking after his own.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/03/05 10:50 AM |
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Re: Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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Might I suggest that you print off your state's laws and present them to your husband. Show him that not only will he be paying a large chunk to you in child support, but he will lose half of everything, including possibly his retirement. Along with, you may expect to even receive alimony. So if you're on a tight budget now, now he's going to be looking at supporting two households. He'll likely end up living in a small apartment and being on an even tighter budget. Not to mention he may be responsible for BOTH of your attorney fees since you do not work.
Now...ask him if it would be cheaper to go through marriage counseling to be absolutely sure first, or to spend this kind of money and find out years later that he may have made a mistake.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/03/05 10:53 AM |
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No problem with that...
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No way they could manage to get a divorce by February...which marks their 10th year.
| Karen1 |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 11/03/05 11:55 AM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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Right on that Char... however if one files prior to Feb. and then petitions the court or social security admin. to use the date of separation as the ending date regarding her rights to social benefits and gains approval, wouldn't that mean the loss of her share of his social?. I don't know the ins and outs or laws of social security though, just thinking possible worst case scenario.
Hope your little one is doing well.
Karen
| whattodonow |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/03/05 12:29 PM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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Thank you all so much for you reply. You make a lot of sense. Thanks for those links to I will definitely be checking those out. Does 50/50 custody mean the kids will live with me one week then him one week or something like that?
I think we can be amicable for the most part but if we were to just see one attorney together how or who would figure out the exact child support money and alimony? Is that something we do between ourselves? What about day care that my kids will no doubt have to go to now, am I expected to pay that now. My kids have never been in daycare they are going to be devastated. We do not have any family close by (Florida is the closest) so I guess maybe thinking about moving to Florida is something to consider but then my husbands job is here. If we do the 50/50 do we have to stay here? I just can't imagine how all of this gets figured out.
I can only imagine how this can turn very ugly. I think we both agree that we want things as easy as possible if nothing else but the kids sake. Our kids are my life and as long as he doesn't jeopardize anything with that I'm willing to work anything else out. he knows that's my weak link So I am a little worried he will use that. About 3 years ago I really messed up and I'm terrified he will bring it all up. I know he doesn't want total custody though so I'm hoping that part of my life will be left alone. About 3 years ago I had a few surgeries and allowed myself to get addicted to prescription pain pills. I went on to get them illegally from pharmacies and was caught and arrested. I know you probably all think how can a loving mom do something like that. I have learned my lesson and never want to go there again. I've always been a good person and have never ever been in any other trouble at all. My husband I don't think has ever truly forgiven me for that. I just wanted it to be know in case you thought this could affect anything now.
| overtherainbow |
| (enthusiast) |
| 11/03/05 02:20 PM |
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Re: Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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Do whatever it takes to make sure he does not leave until after the 10th annversary. It makes a big financial difference. Future SS benifits, alimony for long term marriage. If married less than 10 years it is not considered a marriage of long duration. That is an important point. Sweet talk him into staying until Feb if you can --but if he has already seen a lawyer he is gonna split before 10 year anniversary.
| whattodonow |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/03/05 02:41 PM |
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Re: Looking for suggestions on what to expect
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What if he just leaves but doesn't do anything about actually drawing divorce papers? Would that still count towards being married for 10 years or if he leaves that's it?
| youngatheart |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/03/05 06:11 PM |
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Re: All of the above AND.......
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Yes....hold off on the divorce papers until after you have been married 10 years. This is the biggest regret I have in my divorce. It was final just 10 weeks prior to our 10 year anniversary.
| youngatheart |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/03/05 06:12 PM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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That is not true. My divorce was final (with kids) less than 2 months after it was filed.
| whattodonow |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/03/05 08:53 PM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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He's home tonight and has talked with an attorney today. He has been planning on moving out by the end of the month but after talking with his attorney he said his attorney has told him to stay put until things are final that that is in both of our best interests. Does anyone know why that would make a difference? I can't imagine many couples wanting to stay in the same house while going through a divorce. I just think why that would be in either of our interests. I am definitely going to call an attorney tomarrow. I just really can't believe this is really going to happen. I can't imagine really leaving and truly wanting to leave. I know I probably sound like a pathetic person but this just seems so unreal to me. I don't know what more to do to change his mind. I've already played a fool begging him to try just a few more weeks. He just says he doesn't have it in him to try anymore. Up until a couple of months ago I always felt so strong he would never be the one to want to leave us. Are these are normal feelings? Is it too late to try something more? I don't mean to sound so needy it's just this is so shocking and I really don't have anyone to confide in or ask for opinions.
| overtherainbow |
| (enthusiast) |
| 11/04/05 01:33 AM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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The I can't believe it is happening to me twilight zone feeling is a completely normal response to this. Your life is about to dramatically change. The only thing I would suggest is to ask him if he would be willing to go a couple of sessions with a GOOD marriage counselor so you could try to repair your marriage rather than throw it away. And if you manage to get him to agree to that make sure it a a counselor that can do couples counseling. If he will not agree to a marriage counselor you need to get a lawyer immediately. Start making copies of all your financial accounts as well.
| overtherainbow |
| (enthusiast) |
| 11/04/05 01:48 AM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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Some couples can get a mediation attorney rather than 2 opposing counsels--but it may or may not be the best thing for your situation. You could prob. find articles on the internet about when to choose mediation rather than each having seperate counsel.
I think expect to pay 6 to 8 K in attorneys fees which is pretty normal --mine are a lot more than that but I have complicated situation. But I believe HE will have to pay it since you are not working. You should ask for training costs--education cost to go back to school to get a degree that will be able to support you--nurse, teacher, physical therapist whatever.
| Cinder2 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 11/04/05 07:02 PM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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Usually the attorney will recommend not leaving the marital home because of status quo for future decisions. If your husband moves out and leaves the kids with you and you don't see a judge for the better part of a year, then by that time the kids will have been living with you in the house for six months and your attorney can argue that the status quo has been set. So his attorney is advising he stay in the house (with the kids) probably so he can get a larger share of the house in the final decision and possibly so that he can get more custody of the kids.
If he has a lawyer, you really need to get one, too. Since you have no job or money, the judge will probably make him pay some of your attorney fees as well.
Cinder
| whattodonow |
| (recently joined) |
| 11/04/05 09:18 PM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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Thank you for your thoughts! It makes since. He hasn't actually gotten an attorney( as far as I know), he said he talked with one on the phone. He's told me he would like for me to have full custody of the kids with him getting the kids every other weekend and maybe 1 night a week. I called to talk with a few attorneys today and most never called me back yet. The ones that did call me said they charge a $200 consultation fee. I know a few that I did call offered a free consultation so I'm hoping one of those will call me on Monday. Someone else told me though that those that offer free consultations are usually in need of clients and that usually means they are not "good" attorney's, is that true do you think? I've also heard (from friends) that I should not get a job until the divorce is final so that I can hopefully get some help with allimony, do you think that really matters? THanks again for everyone suggestions!!!
| overtherainbow |
| (enthusiast) |
| 11/06/05 12:17 PM |
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Re: No problem with that...
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$200 or more for consultation is pretty standard. Also DO NOT use you attorney for a counselor--(I am so sad, scared, life is unfair blah, blah) counselors cost $80-$100 an hour or free on some medical plans) So do not waste money talking to an attorney how bad, sad, scared you feel. They don't do that. They do LAW and you are paying them BIG MONEY FOR THAT. Remember you are paying $200 an hour to pick a legal brain for legal information and advice. Also it is helpful and cheaper if you can get some articles, books, so you have a rudimentary understanding of the divorce process in your state, county, custody spousal issues. That will save you some $$ not having to ask the lawyer things like what is a response . Any book or article must pertain to your particular state and spousal and child support formulas are usually set at county level. NOLO press has some very good books on divorce. Go to Border or Barnes and Noble.
Also when you go to first consult bring a copy of his paycheck, your last 1040, copies of financial accounts, the names and ages of your children. Better yet call the legal secretary and ask what documents you should bring to the first meeting.
You can get referals to decent attorneys from friends, relatives, local law school, even ask your doc or dentist. Just make sure they do a lot of divorces or are certified specials in Family Law. Their ad should say Family Lawyer or specifically say they do divorces.
You may have to interview a couple lawyers if you don't like the first one you see. An articles online or book will tell you how to interview your lawyer--what questions to ask. Write them down ahead of time. Remember don't waste your money when talking to an attorney. If you are prepared with questions for each meeting and phone call you won't.
'
| Jill |
| (enthusiast) |
| 11/08/05 10:38 PM |
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Sounds like he already has one foot out the door.
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I'm sorry that anyone has to go through with a divorce but it seems like he has already made up his mind. You need to protect yourself and your children!
First, find out if your state is a community property or an equitable distribution state.
Visit your library and find books to read about divorce and how to protect yourself and the children.
Set up a bank account of your own (if you haven't already) and put some money into it (from your joint account or a credit card draw) so that you can hire a good attorney. They are expensive but you'll need someone who is qualified to fight for you and who will protect your interests. Please don't pinch pennies here and make sure they are skilled in family law.
Don't get a job yet since if you're working, it will lower any support that you and the children may be entitled to. Do, though, see what you may need to do in the way of updating your skills and qualifications to get a job after the divorce. You may not want to work, but believe me, it will be a boost to your self esteme and you will need the income.
Since your husband isn't home much and you do all the child care, file for joint custody with you having physical custody of the children. Perhaps he means joint custody when he says 50/50? I would guess his attorney told him to stay in the home rather than leave to establish his claim on the house.
Gather ALL the documents you can (credit card charges, loans, car payments, bank statements, car and title documents, insurance papers, tax returns, etc) and make copies of everything for you and your attorney. And document his comings and goings ~ try to show just how much he is actually home to provide care and attention to the children.
Gosh, I'm new at this divorce thing too but you need to protect yourself and the kids. Do NOT depend on your husband to play fair. You need to look after yourself and the kids and by all means, hire a good attorney who will fight for what you're entitled to. You have been together for too long for him to just walk out without giving counseling a try. Even if he does agree to counseling, I'm sorry to say, keep it in the back of your mind that he may still intend to bail out.
You sound so calm but it must be a very scary time for you. The internet and library are great sources of information for you. Good luck.
PS. Tabitha, thanks for clarifying what STBX means (I assumed it stood for stupid basta..).
| Karen1 |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 11/09/05 09:40 PM |
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Re: Sounds like he already has one foot out the door.
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JIll... I like your version of what STBX stands for! Fits in my case.
Karen