| helphelphelp |
| (recently joined) |
| 01/05/06 12:54 PM |
| Attachment |
Will soon be filing, have no choice
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Well we were to have a hearing yesterday for spousal support entitlment.Our attorneys just before the hearing came to resolution. I will get the back spousal support and I will file. The marriage is over. This is the 2nd time my spouse left for another. Have also dealt with his excessive alcohol consumption and my becoming a codependent through all the sick dynamics. He left the end of last August. His reasoning for denying spousal support was it could be indefinite. The puzzle pieces do not fit together. All he needed to do was file for divorce I would get alimony pendente liete. And if we could not reach a settlement in 2 yr's a master would settle. I'm thinking he would not file because he was worried I may contest the divorce and bring up his ETOH abuse and 2 affairs. With me filing he will not contest.
We were together 28 yr's , do any of feel like fools for staying? I kept hoping he would address the ETOH problems. I am involved with AlAnon and willing to own my part in the demise of the marriage. However he will not aknowledge any wrongdoing. They tell me he is dry as of now. It hurts that he is willing to make the effort for his new women and as others have mentioned appears to be able to toss this relationship without even a glance back.
Oh well onward we go. I hate to be the one filing first, however this needs to be settled rather then living under a dark cloud just waiting for the clap of thunder , lightning bolt and downpour.
| helphelphelp |
| (recently joined) |
| 01/05/06 06:42 PM |
Re: Will soon be filing, have no choice
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Hmmmm Seem to get views however few replies here. Helppppppppppp no thoughts from any of you?
| Spring |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 01/05/06 07:38 PM |
Re: Will soon be filing, have no choice
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You know, I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic but only for three years. I felt stupid for ever falling for him in the first place! Actually, that's how I found this board. I felt that I needed to explore the reasons within me that allowed myself to get involved with someone like him. I understand it now and I certainly no longer feel like a fool! I think you should investigate some about yourself. Sounds like you're on the right track to me!
As for him trying to change for the new woman, don't take that personally at all. I'm sure its part of a pattern with people like him. Chances are he'll fail. Chances are he and this new woman will split. I hope for his sake that I'm wrong...I'm just basing it on typical patterns.
I don't know much about the legals of your case, but I do wish you well! The world is your oyster...go explore a new you!
| Dee78 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 01/05/06 07:38 PM |
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There's nothing wrong
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with filing. I would think that it is about time. I'm not really sure what kind of help you are looking for but I hope that you are able to find some support.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 01/06/06 09:01 AM |
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Re: Will soon be filing, have no choice
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Well, I read it, but didn't see what there was to respond to. You didn't specifically ask a question so it sounded like you were just wanting to get it off your chest and not requiring a response. Also, you won't always get a response until people who've been through it and may have something to offer weigh in. I've never dealt with spousal support myself so don't know the ins and outs of it.
You might want to try asking some specific questions so that you can get responses geered toward what you're looking for.
| gunamakit |
| (journeyman) |
| 01/07/06 03:17 PM |
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Re: Will soon be filing, have no choice
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I understand the frustration of the changing happening for the new person. My ex tells me now that the issues that I spoke up about while we were together really werent stupid and petty and he wishes he could go back! Have to admit that the same goes for me.
In my opinion tho, just because he is the way you wanted him before with this person, does not mean he will stay that way. He's cheated before, will most likely do it again on the new girl..or perhaps he will get a bit of his own medicine in the end.
| Renee |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 01/07/06 09:55 PM |
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Re: Will soon be filing, have no choice
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The Al-Anon meetings you're going to I bet have other people that can tell you that their spouse all of sudden turned over a new leaf when the break up finally set in. The new leaf syndrome is instinct in an alcoholic and a manipulation, and it usually comes out when the alcoholic is faced with boundaries that are not bending to the usual tactics. I've been told this by Al-Anon friends and by different counselors over the years, and having seen it first hand I believe it.
I've also seen this 'new leaf' get blown away by the first stiff wind, because no matter how pretty the new love is, the only reason the change occurred in the first place was as a reaction to outside forces, and not as an internal desire to change.
He's putting on his sober face to satisfy anyone who comes up to him and says A)I heard she's divorcing you because you're a drunk - to which his response is 'Look at me I haven't had a drink in x days'; or B)Spouse said you couldn't get sober - to which he says 'Ha - guess I'm showing her!'.
It is my uneducated, unprofessional, yet first-hand experienced opinion but, he won't last. Not with that long of a history and no professional in-patient treatment.
He's putting on a show. Pray that for his own good it will stick, but do NOT beat yourself up that he didn't stop when he was with you. Read your book, keep your faith, and thank God you had the strength to accept the things you couldn't change, the courage to change the things you could, and the wisdom to know the difference.
| helphelphelp |
| (recently joined) |
| 01/08/06 11:40 AM |
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Re: Will soon be filing, have no choice
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Thank You for your responses and support. I did not want to sound harsh or pointing a finger for no response, needed support and a cheerleading squad. I'm finding it difficult many days to see clearly and be specific.
I waived my spousal support if he would agree to pay the back spousal support from the filing date in alimony pendente liete and I agreed to file for divorce in lieu of a skunk peeing contest in front of a judge for a spousal eligibilty hearing.I did not have the confidence to go through with it even as we sat in the courtroom.Now I find out someone is interested in buying his acreage portion of the property that I thought.... we had agreed (verbaly) would be traded for an equal monetary portion I'm entitiled to.... of his retirement. My family bought the property my spouse and I lived on. Spouse and I sold our starter home to invest in the current property. We improved the current home a bit and built another builing on it. In exchange for our investment my family put his and my names on the deed . Big mistake the attorney at the time questioned my families decsion to do this. My deceased Father said it was the right thing to do , we trusted my spouse. Anyway now I've not filed... is to be done next week, I'm fearful he will put such an outrageous price on the 50 acres I will not be able to trade the retirement for it or afford to buy it. So now my spousal support case has been dropped, I am receiving no payment of the current home equity loan or any monies from him. Will either have to file for divorce for the alimony. Resign myself to not get alimony, start a new spousal support case and look silly for dropping it in the first place.... with changing my mind in light of the new info. Maybe hope he gets desperate for a divorce and more agreeable to settle the property. What tangled webs we weave.
I'm not sure how to proceed, my attorney is nice I wish a bit more agressive and wonder if i should seek another legal opinion. I do not want to switch horses in the middle of the stream and find this awkward immobilizing any forward movement. Any ideas, thoughts on this? Thanks
| WISDIV |
| (recently joined) |
| 01/27/06 09:24 PM |
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Re: Will soon be filing, have no choice
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Are you in the US? What state? Property will have to be assessed by Certified Real Estate Appraiser. Spouse cannot put value on property himself. As far as your lawyer not being aggressive enough. If you read any of the articles in this website, you would see that they advise being cooperative and congenial gets better results than being intimidating. I agree, I was concerned that my lawyer was not enough of a Bull. I have found that he is confidently calm and reasonable and gets much better results for his clients that way. The Judges like him, too. Be thorough, concise and educate yourself on your state laws concerning divorce. There is a wealth of info out there on the Internet for every state. Good Luck. None of us want to be going through this and it is frightening to be going through a major life changing situation like Divorce at any age. Take control of what you can, pray to God for guidance and give up to Him what He has promised he will do for you and let your Lawyer handle the rest.
