| SingleMODad |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/14/08 10:16 PM |
Hope for ALL Men
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I am new here and after reading many posts would like to share my story so that others can take courage and have hope.
My X and I were NEVER married to start out with. We did live together for 3 years which resulted in then birth of our two children now aged 3 and 4. During all of this time many forms were required at different places called 'affidavits' of paternity since I was (and am) a full time student and aid was required.
There came a time when our paths parted. When this happened there was a consentual agreement filed in court (just a paper we both signed) which agreed to a visitation schedule and CS amount.
As time passed the children began spending more and more time with me beyond what our agreement had stated and this required me to pay for childcare during more and more days while I was either at work or school. (receipts were kept).
Finally there arose a situation while the children were at their mothers house that caused the children to be removed and placed into foster care. Of course the 'system' was biased that the children return to her custody and care. I simply sat back and watched the judge at the first hearing catch her in lie after lie without saying a word. NEVER did I say a work against her. Only hopes that she would improve. I even shared my supervised visitation time with her (mine was after her) so that she could spend 'more time with the children'. After almost a full year of this continuing the GAL finally mentioned that they were going to have to make other plans since the '15 of the most recent 24 months' stipulation was pending on the case. This stipulation states that if the children have been in care for 15 of the last 24 months parental rights are automatically terminated. At that time I called my atty (which had not been involved in teh case in any way other than advice to me). He immediately came onto the scene and questioned the parties whether there was any reason that the children should not be placed with me since she had not completed her parenting agreement and they were all in agreement that I had done everything which they had asked of me and more.
X beagan immediately berating me and stating that things were 'UNFAIR' becuase I made more money and could complete the parenting plan requirements faster and on and on.
During this very meeting I was moved to 3 hour unsupervised visitation. The GAL interated to her that until such time as she completed the requirements she would NOT be allowed the same concession.
This then progressed to full days, then to overnights, then to weekends, and finally to the trial home where the children were with me full time. During all these advancements their mother stopped coming to her scheduled visitations and was absent for 13 months. She even requested to restart her visitation then did not show up at the hearing.
When allowed I filed the paperwork for custody and CS pro Se. At our hearing this Fri past the judge signed the papers in her presence giving me FULL SOLE Physical and Legal custody and agreed to the parenting plan I submitted which included a clause that she complete all requirements of her parenting plan BEFORE Visitation was allowed.
Keep your heads up and let NOBODY tell you that if you werent married you have no chance. Document everything and above all be NICE and SUPPORTING. As hard as that may be to do the GAL and others are looking for the parent who 'is most likely to foster a continuing relationship with the other parent'. Bringing up constant complaints does not give that impression at all.
| INPadre |
| (newbie) |
| 09/15/08 05:47 AM |
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Re: Hope for ALL Men
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Why were you given supervised visitation?
I don't see much hope for men in your post. If she had done the things she was told to do, she would have got custody and from your post, you had nothing to do with why the children were taken, but apparently, she did.
So, it looks as if you let the kids stay with foster parents for two years. Why would you have not tried for custody in those two years?
| SingleMODad |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/15/08 09:16 AM |
|
Re: Hope for ALL Men
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All parties begin with supervised visitations.
I agree that had she been able to complete all she would have gotten custody back. The main one she failed on was employment (wouldnt get a job) and getting her own place (moved in with someone else instead who would not attend meetings).
The children were in foster care for just over a year. I did not pursue custody before that time on my attys advice. According to that it was better to 'appear' to be the supportive X. To encourage her and make good comments about progress that was made ect. rather than pointing out the shortcomings.
Many men are told they have no chance at custody if they were never married to the mother. Many have also had their X's lie about situations. In this case with so many watching I did not actively refute or argue about the lies. When I asked I would only answer that the accusation was untrue and leave it at that. The workers were allowed to come to their own conclusions based on things they saw for themselves. For instance that she was the primary caregiver. The childrens reactions proved that to be incorrect. Essentially once I arrived for my visit they observed that the children had no more interest in their mother and also that even while they were there with her alone their questions were about when I would arrive rather than focused on spending time with her. This led the workers to understand that the children were 'more' attached to me than they were her.
The situation which got them placed was not a large one. She was staying with her mother and there were a total of 8 people living in the house. The house was unclean and the junk in the yard unsafe. This is in a 3 bedroom Mobile. An easy situation to remedy yet among several hotline calls made by others nothing was being done to improve the situation.