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Changes09
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(recently joined)
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03/02/09 11:14 AM
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To Report the Affair or Not
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So, long story short, my husband sent me an e-mail when I was nine months pregnant (a few weeks ago) asking for a separation. A little digging on my part found that the has been having an affair with another married woman. They are both in the military and she outranks him. I have been struggling with whether or not to report them and had almost decided against it until he came to see the kids this weekend and brought her along to stay at a local hotel while he spent a few hours with them. I don't want to be venegeful and I don't want to hurt us financially but I'm feeling like enough is enough. I can barely deal with the prospect that I no longer have a husband and then he basically throws her in my face. I have been really patient and maintained a peaceful situation until now. Any advice? I'm really trying hard to maintain a positive environment for my kids...
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Redlegg
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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03/02/09 01:36 PM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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You are rolling the dice, you want to do this because you are angry. it could cost you financially, but you cannot say before hand on whether or not that will happen. it is much more difficult to prove to the standard that he will be punished, and it is to prove it to your satisfaction.
Adultery is wrong, people should take responsibility for their actions, the unfortunate side of this is that you and the children may taker some of that responsibility.
I would not tell you to report it or not report it, but once you do, it is out of your control, and you may not like the outcome.
Just think it through and determine what you can live with and go from there. I mean can you live with the BS and can you live with the possible financial impact of reporting him.
Some other things to look at, is he making it a career, and could this stop those plans???
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elliesmom
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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03/02/09 03:26 PM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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From a purely business standpoint - what do you have to gain from reporting him? Satisfaction? If he is punished in any way other than being embarrassed it will impact you. It could impact any retirement you are awarded as well as CS if he is reduced in rank. Is it worth it to risk his ability to support his/your children over it? That is your call.
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Changes09
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(recently joined)
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03/02/09 03:33 PM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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I won't get retirement because we've been married for a year and a half (together for seven). Just trying to figure out whether I can live with the embarrassment that he is already causing or not. The way the two of them are proceeding, they are likely to get caught on their own. Nothing is worth harming my children which is why I haven't reported them. I'm just frustrated by their lack of regard, the minimal time that he spends with our son and our three year old, and his inability to understand basic things like the importance of not being an hour late for his visits. Hopefully things will improve once we have visitation orders in place.
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Redlegg
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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03/02/09 07:13 PM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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You are entitled to a part of his retirement, and the embarrasment will probably be more his than yours, so again, are you willing to roll the dice financially when it comes to the kids????????
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Changes09
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(recently joined)
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03/04/09 12:14 AM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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I went and talked to a priest today (I was struggling most with the spiritual aspect of this) and decided not to report. As you asked elliesmom, what would reporting them solve. The priest asked the same question. I'm not a vengeful person- it's just hard to sit by and watch them continue on. I know that I'm in a better position already because I get to wake up to my children every day. It's just a crappy situation. Thank you both for reminding me of the financial risks.
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elliesmom
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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03/04/09 08:42 AM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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If it helps she probably won't be around for long. I believe the statistic is that 90% of relationships entered into pre-divorce fail post-divorce within 2 years.
Amazing how when you put two selfish people together who are willing to screw people over they have difficulty finding lasting happiness together isn't it?
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Miranda
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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03/08/09 11:37 AM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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[quote]You are entitled to a part of his retirement, and the embarrasment will probably be more his than yours, so again, are you willing to roll the dice financially when it comes to the kids???????? [/quote]
No, she is entitled to what a judge gives her. I doubt at 1.5 years any retirement would even be seriously mentioned.
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Redlegg
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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03/08/09 02:03 PM
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Re: To Report the Affair or Not
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Your right, I should have said his retirement can be considered as joint or community property and it is up to the judge. You are 100% correct.
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