bigdaddy_7
(recently joined)
07/02/07 06:35 PM
Also need some advice...

Hey gang. I'm going thru a really nasty divorce w/ a 2 yr old boy involved. Divorce started in December, and the wife has thrown everything but the kitchen sink at me to hurt me - mostly, keeping my child from me. Thanks to the courts intervention, things have loosened up regarding me getting quality time with my son. But she still does whatever she can to hurt me.

I'm so sad and, frankly, very depressed - there was love in our relationship. However, both my wife and I were too stubborn, too stupid, too immature to realize what was really important. Whenever I see my son I want to cry due to guilt and sadness. Guilt that neither one of tried hard enough to make the relationship work while we were together and sad b/c my son will have to live with a lot of anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and questions as he grows older. Although my wife has managed to justify the situation in her mind as it pertains to our son, I doubt I will ever overcome the feeling of guilt.

My wife lives with her family who have come to intensely dislike me. I know they are giving her advice to treat me as poorly as possible, and she's listening. While I try to do the next right thing, every step I take forward is met with a verbal punch from her that knocks me 2 steps backwards. I've sent her notes about putting our family back together but she didn't respond - I can't make a marriage myself so my son will have to live the life we've provided. Her family advisors have obviously told her that living with divorce will be fine for our son, just like it's fine to try hurting me b/c "I deserve it". But, I wish she'd stop trying to hurt me b/c it only hurts my son - how can I get her to realize this? I fear and am confident that, until she moves into her own place, the 'voices' will ensure that things will not improve for our son.


c_jane
(Pooh-Bah)
07/03/07 11:07 AM
Re: Also need some advice...

I feel for you. Unfortunately there's probably *nothing* you can do to change her/her mind.

There are some people out there that show their true colors when involved in divorce. Some will do *anything* to 'get back at' the other person -- whether it involves money, things, or the child(ren). Most often it IS the child(ren) as this is one sure-fire way to hurt the other parent immense amounts. All the while justifying it by saying 'I'm doing it for the GOOD of the child(ren).' BullS**T.

Your son is still little. Probably he will come to accept the reality of his new life (go see Daddy, go see Mommy) very quickly. He will never remember when you 2 lived together. Whether he's 'miserable' or not depends on you 2 & how you handle it.


JRS
(old hand)
07/08/07 05:00 AM
Re: Also need some advice...

If you're still in the divorce process you could try to have things entered in your decree that may help... required mediation for disagreements - try to establish as much visitation and shared parenting as you can... maybe you could request separation counseling - I agree with c jane - you'll never be able to change her or her mind, but maybe if you can come up with some opportunities to dissolve your marriage in a more healthy, cooperative manner it would help. Request the mediation - in mediation request the counseling, offer to pay for it - make it difficult for her to turn it down. If she does refuse, go yourself and try to come to terms with your divorce and unresolved conflicts so that you are better able to handle the next 16 hostile years.

Good luck, Im sorry things are not going well - just stay positive and focus on being there for your son.


JRS
(old hand)
07/08/07 05:06 AM
Re: Also need some advice...

oh and one thing that avoids a lot of unnecessary conflict - arrange to have most pick ups and drop offs happen at a day care. This will limit the amount of physical contact with stbex and hopefully eliminate a lot of the drama and anxiety your son has to deal with. So instead of the standard 6pm go for 'after school' and 'return to school'. Even if your child is in daycare - you'd use the schedule for whatever ISD you're in

BeckaLeigh
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
07/10/07 09:17 PM
Re: Also need some advice...

good luck on this one. One thing I can say about women is that they are very catty and vengeful. Well, a majprity of the ones I have ever known. Myself included at times.

I would say the best thing to do is wait it out and see if she gets over herself a bit.


ELEMO2001
(journeyman)
07/19/07 04:19 PM
Re: Also need some advice...

i just want to say good luck, my ex should be dancing up and down. i push him to spend time with the kids, as mellow as i can be on the support too, but he still manages to give a hard time

focusedon2
(Pooh-Bah)
07/20/07 06:36 AM
Re: Also need some advice...

Quote:

f she does refuse, go yourself and try to come to terms with your divorce and unresolved conflicts so that you are better able to handle the next 16 hostile years.




You are just going through the divorce process. Very often, it's not the divorce that makes people angry - it's the hurt and disappointment that proceeds and surrounds the divorce. It's easy to say he or she can't deal with the divorce and is SIMPLY an evil btch or an evil bstrd. Doing so means we don't have to spend anytime reflecting on the fact that we have really hurt he person we swore to love and protect.

Many people heal over time and the next 16 years does not have to be hostile. However, if that is what you expect, that is what you will get.

Why is your ex so hurt? Is it because you decided the marriage was over? Did you cheat? Did she have an affair and is blaming it on you because you left your socks on the floor or something other stupid reason?

The reason why I ask is because if you believe she is hurting over nothing, then there isn't anything you can do. But if she is hurting because she feels betrayed - then the very least you can do is (1) acknowledge that and (2) give her time to heal. Do you fee betrayed but you have healed? Well, don't say that so quickly. Depression often turns into anger and anger into depression.

My point is that you are really early in the divorce process and you have to expect that emotions will be running high and out of control. That's why it is great to have the unemotional Court Order. But you don't have to expect a life of hell for you and your son forever. Most people will eventually "get it together" sooner or later.



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