| cjhcarroll |
| (recently joined) |
| 10/16/07 07:35 PM |
He's Back!! Help me and my 2 teenage son's
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I married my first husband straight out of high school, prior to him deploying to Desert Storm. Our marriage lasted 7 years. 2.5 together and 4.5 trying to finalize the divorce. When we split our son's were 2 and 4 month old. While together he was a great father and provider. After the split he became the absent dad. Our children have not seen him since 1999. Even though he has every other weekend visit per our custody order. To date he has never made any of the important functions i.e Birthday parties, play's, football games, surgeries/hospitalization I have invitied him and informed him until I relaized you cannot make someone be there for their children. Several years have gone by 8 to be exact without any communication. My boys know him or of him, could they ID him Nope! Well, We have both remarried and he has had 2 other children. Much younger than our son's. by law I have to inform him of our address if we move. Current husband is active Duty Military. We have always been in driving distance so the being a military family has not played a roll in no visit from dad nor phone calls. we moved and I texted him the address over a month ago August 2007, As of Sept2007 Ex is calling asking questions about our kids, how are they etc. As a matter of fact he called the day AFTER our youngest son's 13th b-day. The first time HE has called in 8 years. I told him how he was missing out on the best thing in his life his oldest children's lives. How proud I am of them and how great they are with everything they set their hearts out to do. I asked the boys did they want to talk to thier father? I got an instant NO! and FOr what! SO I said to them Be nice be the better person and say hello. They call their father by his name, has been that way since they were 5 and 3. They call my current H dad! Who's been there for then 4 and 2. Long story short, to find out Ex youngest kid 4 or 5 years old is having a birthday and Ex told my son's he wants to come and see them soon but he has to do the Bday thing with the little girl. To my boys this was a slap in the face to them Especially my youngest who's birthday was they day before this phone call took place, and her Bday party was scheduled 3 weeks away, Ex sisnt send card, no gift for our son and called a day late! Since the seperation he has completly not been there for our children. He told my son how he coaches his 9yr old son's baseball team and puts his children on the phone to talk to our son's, Remeber they have never met his children. Both my boys are like, why are we even talking to him, we dont even know him. So why is he calling? WHat do I tell them? I once asked my Ex how come he is not in their lives, I thought it was because I got remarried, but I later found he got remarried b-4 I did because she was pregnant and her dad was and is a Pastor. Ya know how that goes. But I'm glad it happened because he finally signed to finalize the divorce when this occured. But he told me, our divorce situation and the children was causing an emotional strain and mental strain and problems between he and his current wife. SO he chose to not have any dealings with our children in order to make a life for his new family more comfortable. I was shocked. I took that as the new wife new baby forget my first family as long as my new family his happy. But, now the boys are teens, he already thinks I tell them not to talk to him which is untrue.That is just the type of person he is, if it is not his way he will not compromise. I never talk about him around the kids, this man went to the child support division the to ask them to help him not have to pay child support during our divorce, I wasnt even asking for child support. I was determined to do it without him. that is the type of person he is. But still in yet,I ask the boys every father type occassion do u want to call ur father for his Birthday, christmas, father days my boys always say no or for what. I would like for them to know him to see what type of man he is and know how not to treat their children like that...But they the boys want nothing to do with him or his children. The boys have even asked me to change their last name to my maiden name. They dont want o carry on a family name for whom they dont even know the family. But now the tables
are turned the Ex is calling texting and emailing ME! And so far I have ignored his contact. The boys are hurt buy the little girl bday thing. I think they are. But they say no. And they both have no interst in seeing dad. They have even made a bet that he wont show. What do I do? I know if he shows he'll will bring his children and I think starting out he should not bring them because they have a rough road of patch work to do. And because they are young his focus wont be on our children and their interest. I now wish that he was'nt calling after all the years I wanted him to. like they say be careful what u wish for! Any advise would be appreciated
| Misslisa1017 |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 10/18/07 06:56 AM |
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Re: He's Back!! Help me and my 2 teenage son's
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He's their father, and the only one they will EVER have. So my advice is to let him come into their lives.
Start out small. Have him come to your home to see the boys on your turf. Start out with just allowing the boys to get comfortable with him. You have to start somewhere. And I'd let him know, that he's to come alone.
This is the man you decided to have children with. My ex was like this too, but then all of a sudden he wanted in. I don't regret allowing it. The kids will make their own minds up about what type of person they are. My kids now have a better relationship with their Dad then they used to, but it's not close.
They love him but they still aren't 100 percent comfortable with him. He created the mess. I didn't add to it by ignoring his role though.
Good luck
| cjhcarroll |
| (recently joined) |
| 10/18/07 10:54 AM |
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Re: He's Back!! Help me and my 2 teenage son's
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Thanks for your advice, I now feel as if I am forcing my son's to deal with their father because they have no desire to be with him. Kinda like out of sight out of mind. I have since spoken to the ex and told I think it would be best if he comes to see the kids alone, without his children until our kids are comfortable with him. His response was "I dont see why I shouldnt bring my kids because they have never met their older brothers, they need to meet their older brothers" so in my opinion his agenda is not about re-building a relationship withour sons it is about his children meeting their older brothers. My sons have no interest in their father..I feel as if I am forcing them to get ont he phone when he calls, for them it is out of sight out of mind. Yes he is their father, but the ball is not in his court when it come to our sons. His children have had him all their lives since birth, mine did'nt. And now he want in. I have no problem with that. But when my sons say NO! maybe I should leave it that way.
| Misslisa1017 |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 10/19/07 04:09 PM |
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Re: He's Back!! Help me and my 2 teenage son's
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I totally understand where you are coming from. But like I said, you have to start out somewhere, and better with you allowing him into your turf for your boys comfort than to have him head to court and hold you in contempt.
If you have a court order that gives him every other weekend, he can LEGALLY hold you to it and bring you to court for not allowing him visits.
Better to just let him see them, but i'd do it at your home till they get comfortable. If the only way he's going to come is with the other kids, maybe that would break the ice better if the kids meet the other children?
I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.
My daughter when she was 14, her Dad decided it was time to come back into her life. She locked herself in the bathroom and wouldnt' come out. The man hurt her so badly through the years not being there. But with much persuasion, she did eventually unlock the door and hugged him. Things will never be what they should be with my kids and their dad, but at least they love one another. My kids still resent his choice for remaining absent.
It could be too that your hubby is just looking to introduce the kids, and then he'll disappear again for a long time. You just never know.
Good luck.
| cjhcarroll |
| (recently joined) |
| 10/19/07 05:17 PM |
Re: He's Back!! Help me and my 2 teenage son's
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My ex has had court ordered visitation since 1995 and never consistantly excercised them. His choice. He told me several years back that becasue of the emotional and mental strain our divorce was placing on him and his new wife he decided to sever all ties with the kids. WE had no fighting or arguing during our divorce. it was the every other weekend my kids were at their house she didnt like it so he dropped the kids like a bad habit and now they have 2 children together. And becasue he was gone like the wind and is trying to come back my children should have open arms for him. Like my son's say FOR WHAT I DONT KNOW HIM. I want him to be apart of their lives but I dont want to force my son's into something they have made up their minds about. And the EX is looking fo rme to help him through this...I have forgiving him for the way he has distant himself from our son's and I thanked in the past for finally giving me the divorce because I was able to marry my soulmate. And this was over 10 years ago. And if he only want the kids to meet then fine, but it has to be my son's time and turf. Best believe he will have to come in our court. My oldest is not to trusting of people he doesnt know and he will not budge for anyone. My youngest is damn near the same way...if mom and current H are not around they wont go., So as far as being in contempt of court we are beyond that.He can only put himself in comtempt and the last time we were in court, my court order indicated if the children want to visit NCP then mother is to let them. If children chose not to visit NCP then NCP is not to force them. When this judgement was given my children had not seen their father in 4 years at that time. and the courts are aware of that. I just want nothing but good from this !
| nrvouswrk |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 10/19/07 06:21 PM |
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Re: He's Back!! Help me and my 2 teenage son's
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I think you should do what is best for your children, and not their father. You have dream court order as far as I can see. Your kids are old enough to know if they want their father in their lives. If he was really all that interested in fixing the damage that he has done, then he would accept seeing his sons on any term.
I think you should respect how they feel here, and not force them to call and see him. Maybe at some point they will feel differently. Until then, we love who we love...
| freedom123 |
| (addict) |
| 11/08/07 11:52 PM |
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Re: He's Back!! Help me and my 2 teenage son's
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It's crappy that he won't see them in the way that would make them most comfortable...I don't understand why some parents do this. Selfishness? My kids are teens (youngest turns 13 next week) and they have recently been "dumped" by their dad in favor of his pregnant gf. Kinda sad because I reminded him that WE were divorcing, he wasn't divorcing the kids but that meant nothing. They know him of course but don't care to be around him at all...and definitely don't want to with his gf...and the court order prevents that anyway.
Even watching them go through this abandonment I still try to encourage a relationship by sending him notices of important events in their lives and I even invited ex to DS's 13th birthday party! Got no response so whatever...didn't tell DS that dad was invited because I didn't want him disappointed if dad didn't show...if he shows it will be a surprise...lol...at this point for both of us.