|
GAgirl
|
|
(journeyman)
|
|
10/30/06 07:41 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
I don't post much anymore but wanted to get some thoughts about something. My divorce from my short-term (3 yrs. - yes, probably a rebound thing) was final in Jan. I'd kicked him out in July '05, with no contact since. He was dating, refusing to help financially, and the final straw was the barely legal p*rn. My daughter was 17 when I found that stuff in my garage.
Anyway, I have been dating off and on but have no desire to be with someone just to not be alone...not willing to settle either. I've been dating someone for the last month who I really would like to get to know better. He stays in contact and has given me his cell, home, and work numbers (he's called me from all those numbers). My concern is that every date we've had has been during the daytime. Given that my ex was able to date by doing the lunchtime thing, I don't know if my reaction is based on the past. I'm not really sure how to ask if he's really available. No, we're not intimate. I have never cheated and will not be the means for someone else to do so! Any thoughts?
|
|
Chris1
|
|
(journeyman)
|
|
10/30/06 08:23 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
GA, I prefer the direct route and would probably flat out ask him. However, having a devious side, I might decide to
opt for asking him out--to dinner (after 7).
I don't think your reaction is based on your past.
These days you have to be careful.
|
|
GAgirl
|
|
(journeyman)
|
|
10/30/06 08:32 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
A little more info - he's 51, no kids and I'm 48, daughter in college (18), and son in hs (almost 17). We both work day jobs, so there's really no reason for not getting together at night, that I can see anyway.
Thanks Chris...if I had listened to those "voices," I probably wouldn't have married the ex or at least wouldn't have held onto the idea of the marriage for 3 yrs!
|
|
NancyD
|
|
(Pooh-Bah)
|
|
10/30/06 08:43 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
You could always do a little more investigating...do a reverse look-up of his home number if you need his address. Then do a property record search of the address to see whose name the deed is in. But that will only work if he owns his home.
If he rents, you'll need to physically stake out his home to see who comes and goes. Or maybe finding a chatty neighbor who will fill you in on who actually lives there...himself alone or with a family.
On the other hand, maybe he just has hobbies he needs to attend to in the evening. Maybe a second job to pay off some debts. Maybe he's hooked on a few TV programs. Or maybe he's just an early-to-bed kind of guy.
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
Just ask him... say "Hey.. I'd like to get together and have dinner one night. What do you say?". If he says something about a daytime thing, then ask if there is any reason why you have not done anything in the evening...
Sounds a little weird to me, but you never know. Maybe he's afraid of the dark :)
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
Other than turning into Nancy Drew. At this age in my life I would just ask him...maybe jokingly...like I note all our dates the past month have been during the day..you don't happen to be married do you? And then just laugh...or just ask him outright and be honest.
With something like that you need to know up front and right out there....if he gets mad then that will tell you alot....the sleuthing thing...well if you have time but if not just ask....good luck to you and I hope it turns out okay.
|
|
gr8Dad
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 04:44 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
What is barely...
|
|
...legal p0rn?
|
|
|
|
Re: What is barely...
|
|
I believe she means the individuals involved in the p0rn her husband was looking at and enjoying were of barely legal age.. you know, under 18.
|
|
Rebecca5
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 06:00 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: What is barely...
|
|
Google the words "barely legal p0rn," and see what you get. That should clear up the mystery.
|
|
gr8Dad
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 06:46 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Under 18...
|
|
...is illegal, over 18 is legal. There is no blurry line.
|
|
|
|
Re: Under 18...
|
|
How about this? Barely 18!
|
|
gr8Dad
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 07:13 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sure...
|
|
...and she is BARELY pregnant. If a person's birthday if January first, and ON that birthday, they turn 18, then ON that date they go from being ILLEGAL to LEGAL.
|
|
Redlegg
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 07:20 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Sure...
|
|
Before you do any sleuthing, I would just ask him, and go with your feelings about how he answers. You say you may want to get to know him better, then sleuthing is not the answer. Be direct, it is the best way and is in no way offensive.
|
|
|
|
Re: Sure...
|
|
At issue in my post was neither the legality nor the illegality. Someone who turned 18 today is still "barely" 18. Is that so very difficult to understand or do you have to be absolutely right about everything and everyone else wrong in everything?
You must be great at a party!
|
|
gr8Dad
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 07:42 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I do not deny that...
|
|
...a person that just turned 18 is BARELY 18. What is in dispute is the barely LEGAL term. She referred to his p0rn as "Barely legal p0rn", meaning that they were 18 at LEAST. This is not a reflection of ones proclavity to view kiddie p0rn. I would venture a guess that MOST p0rn stars are right at 18.
|
|
|
|
LOL! You're funny...
|
|
Rather pathetic but funny nonetheless.
|
|
gr8Dad
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 07:47 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You know...
|
|
...if and when I called names, you criticized it, I have not called you a single name, you have repeatedly insulted me, yet you feel that is okay. Doesn't that seem like a double standard?
|
|
|
|
It's fruitless to try to...
|
|
discuss anything with you. Whoever does is always painted as wrong and you always paint yourself as right. Worse, you absolutely and unequivocably believe it.
Pity!
|
|
GAgirl
|
|
(journeyman)
|
|
10/30/06 08:26 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: What is barely...
|
|
18 year olds...suffice to say that my daughter was 6 mos. away from being that age, and some of her friends already were 18.
|
|
GAgirl
|
|
(journeyman)
|
|
10/30/06 08:29 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
I always "google" people to check them out...everything is in his name only. I don't believe he's married actually but am concerned that he's possibly living with someone. It's just very odd that we haven't had a single date after dark. I'm not going to start spying on him but will proceed cautiously.
|
|
GAgirl
|
|
(journeyman)
|
|
10/30/06 08:32 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
Also, I already know that he does have a side job as a tandem skydiving instructor, on the weekends though. He has invited me to come watch, but a running injury and cancellation due to the weather have prevented me from going.
|
|
gr8Dad
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/30/06 08:47 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Okay, I understand what you are saying...
|
|
...but just because one choses their p0rn actors as young as legally possible, does NOT mean anything. Honestly, if you were to purchase a women's p0rn magazine, would you want to see young bucks, 18-20, with tight bodies, or middle aged men covered with greying hair and saggy skin? Be HONEST.
|
|
GAgirl
|
|
(journeyman)
|
|
10/30/06 09:13 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Okay, I understand what you are saying...
|
|
And I understand what you're saying too. I would never choose any type of man in a magazine over an intimate relationship with a real person. It doesn't really matter at this point anyway. The p*rn was an ongoing issue in our marriage, as was him refusing to contribute financially...I didn't realize he was dating until towards the end.
|
|
|
|
Re: Listening to those voices in your head...
|
|
Hi GAgirl,
I could be wrong, but I'd be very suspicious about the 'dates only during the day' thing. This summer, I dated a guy who I was quite taken with. He was witty, funny, smart, talented, and I thought we had alot in common. When we went out, we had a great time. I enjoyed every minute.
But the one thing that bugged me was that our dates were also almost exclusively during the day. The only time we had an evening date was when he asked me over for a bbq. Since I had plans during that day, but not in the evening, I asked if we could do the bbq after 5pm. He said he had other plans, but would see if he could change them.
About an hour later he called back and said he was able to change his other plans, and for me to come over around 6. I did and we had a great time. Things seemed to progress nicely and I was happy.
I later learned from someone who knew him REALLY well that there was another woman in his life. She lives out of state and they have had a long-distance relationship for years. And that when they're not together, this guy dates. But he somehow thinks if the dates are during the day, he's not cheating on her! Even when he put the moves on someone (like me!). Convoluted thinking I must say, but thats how he thought. Sort of like how Bill Clinton argued over the point of "what is, is", lol. And that a certain kind of s*x, isn't s*x...
Anyway, needless to say, that was the end of the relationship once I learned he was attached. Most likely, I was just a nice distraction to keep him 'company' when the girlfriend wasn't around. So glad I spoke with the friend and learned the truth.
If I were you, I'd definitely do some homework as Nancy suggested (I think it was you Nancy, lol))or at minimum, do what I did. The next time he asks you out for a daytime date, say you're busy, but suggest that evening or the next. See what happens.
Regardless of how the above works out, go slowly! Spend some time alone. More than just a few months. The best gift I have given to myself was taking the time to be alone, on my own, and no dating. I needed the time to heal, to find myself, and figure out what I want and don't want in life. Though I still feel somewhat like a babe in the woods as far as dating goes (having been married for over 20 years and then recovering for another 5), I think I'm much better off having waited.
Let us know how things turn out.
Melanie
|
|
gr8Dad
|
|
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
|
|
10/31/06 09:52 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Am I understanding this?
|
|
You broke up with a guy because of what someone ELSE told you about him? And because he had a female friend out of town?
Sounds like HE was the lucky one...
|
|
|
|
Re: Under 18...
|
|
Gr8dad,
it is called "barely" legal.. because they are 18 to 19 years old..... come on.. don't act like such a married man.. you see "barely" legal p0Rn on your pay per view channels all the time... (advertised)
|
|
|
|
Re: Okay, I understand what you are saying...
|
|
WHAT point does it matter..it's DONE and over with....She can break up with anyone she wants to....... NOT the point!
|
|
|
|
Re: Am I understanding this?
|
|
Why would you say such a thing... do you get "off" on just being mean? There are a LOT of things you do with your life.. I am sure MANY would not agree with.... so how one chooses to handle their relationship is their choice.
|
|
|
|
Re: Am I understanding this?
|
|
Gr8dad,
Everyone once in awhile I respond to posts I normally ignore. This is one of those times.
Funny how you put me down for nipping a relationship in the bud because I learned the guy was heavily involved with someone else, out of state. In other words, the guy was CHEATING on his girlfriend by seeing me. The friend who told me about the guy being attached, has been friends with him for eons and knows him VERY well. So does his wife. I know the couple VERY well. They also know the girlfriend and said what a sweetheart she is. After I heard that, there was no way I could continue a relationship with him.
Your posts present alot of anger, especially towards anyone who has cheated whether it be emotionally or physically or both. Yet, I'm thinking you believe in what's called a double standard. One for you, and one for everyone else.
Melanie
|