| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 10:33 AM |
How do you deal with something like this-OT
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This isn't divorce related but it's been bugging me for 4 days. On Christmas Eve the girls and I called my mom who lives about 500 miles away. I tried calling all day and there was no answer and the answering machine wasn't on. That should have been the first clue I was in for hell, because it's a little game she plays but I let it go because of the holiday. We finally got ahold of her in the evening and she immediately started yelling at me. (I guess because I was having a good Christmas this year.) This is something I've dealt with my entire life. So instead of listening to her yell I got the girls so they could talk to her.(I didn't think she'd do that to them) I heard my 12 yo say "Well you'd be here too if you didn't move away." So I assumed she made a nasty comment about my dad being at our house.
The last straw was when she was talking to my 9yo and she kept saying "I'm sorry Grandma" over and over in a pitiful voice. I thought "No way in hell is she going to do to my kids what she always did to me." So I went and got the phone from her and said "You can be as pissy as you want to me but don't do it to the kids" She hung up on me and my 9yo laid on her bed and sobbed for a half hour. I was so upset.
I refuse to call her back. I didn't that night and I won't. I started writing a letter but don't know if I should mail it. I can't even get into the things she said to the kids but it was stuff that was none of her business.
For the first time, though I didn't let it get me upset and ruin my holiday. I just wish I knew why she acted like this. It makes life hard.
| matilda |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 12/27/06 11:00 AM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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I think you need to set some limits with your mother. I would start with having a heart to heart with her about her behavior and how it affects you and your children. Tell her that you would love to have her a part of your lives, but will limit contact if she continues her destructive behaviors. I'd let her think about it a bit. If you talk to her after that you need to set your standards. If the negative behavior starts again, you need to say this needs to end or the phone calls-then do it. She does this because she has been allowed to do it. She has issues that she needs to deal with. It sounds like right now she is trying to blame others for her unhappiness in life. It's her choice to be happy or unhappy-you can't fix it for her. You need to be responsible and limit the negativity she pours onto your children-break the cycle. It won't be easy. You need to be tough and consistent and then things will hopefully get better. I wish you luck. It's never easy standing up to a parent.
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 11:35 AM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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You're right it is difficult to stand up to parents but it needs to be done. I so hate being rude to her but making my baby cry is stepping over the line. I know if I call she will hang up on me so I am going to finish my letter and tell her how I feel and the kids feel and that she is NOT allowed to lay a guilt trip on us or assume we should be happy and have nice holidays because she moved away. Thanks for the advice.
There is a lot more to it and a lot more history. It goes back to my child hood. I think she needs some professional help but I can't tell her that.
| Renee |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 11:36 AM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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Ditto everything Matilda said. Set some boundaries with her and stick to them no matter how hard it is.
Just because you are her daughter does not mean she is entitled to treat you or your kids poorly. Just because you're her daughter does not mean she can take out her bitterness and unhappiness on you.
Just because she is Your Mother, does not mean you have to pay for the privilege of having her toxic behavior in your life. If she can't treat you with respect, send cards snail mail when you want to communicate and then go about your life.
You are allowed to keep toxic people out of your life - no matter who they are.
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 12/27/06 11:43 AM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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Debi, I feel for you because I also have a mother who has acted like this and it really is unsettling especially when your children are pulled into it. My heart was sad when I read about your daughter. My mom pulled books off her bookshelf one year and wrapped them in newspaper and gave them to my two sons as a present, they were the age your children were and they did not understand.
There is nothing you can do except realize it is HER not you. I battled like this with my mom for years it was not until I got counseling through my divorce that the counselor helped me realize it was not me but her. No matter what we do, with types like this it is never good enough. I also found books by Melodie Beattie to be very helpful. I learned through the counselor to ignore it and self talk to myself and now its better. I keep the contact at enough to show respect for my mother and keep her content. Maybe that will work..if it starts to get negative just say it was good to talk to you Mom and limit it. Try not to be pulled in.
As for the kids...well...in a nice way explain that we just have to accept Grandma and that sometimes she just isn't happy or however you can gracefully explain it. And thats the very tough part. I used to become absolutely enraged at my mom who did stuff like you described but now I just brush it off...not my problem. I call her, see her when I can but keep it nice and tidy. I try not to let it bother me and it seems to be working as I have a different perspective. Hopefully you can get some ideas here.
It is tough when dealing with parents like this....my sons are older now. OS gets very irritated and avoids her and the YS uses hysterical humor with her. They have grown to realize that there is nothing they can do. In their own way they do care for us, at least we hope so.
I am happy that you did not let it ruin your christmas and could enjoy it...it is her issue obviously but to work and not let it be yours is a very good thing.
Good luck to you. its really tough when its mom/grandma....sometimes I still feel like a referee and have to just keep peace but it seems to be working. I also change the subject alot so she can't get started....
My mom did mean things also to my boys when they were too young to understand..I just tried to explain that it was not their fault and help them realize it as much as I could.
The sad thing is that people like this do not understand that their behavior pushes people away and they don't want to be near them at a happy holiday time....and then sometimes act out more. The trick is to just learn to live with it and no youcan't change them BUT...we can change how we react and thats what the counselor helped me do.
Again I wish you luck...
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 12/27/06 11:50 AM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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Right Debi, you can't tell them they need professional help. My mother is like a narcissitic personality. It was a very tough childhood I had plus she used to drink and I had a very rough childhood with her. For many years I was so angry at her....enraged is more true...but after my divorce and the counseling, and the self help books I realized that I had to let it go and just change the way I reacted. I understand totally about the going after the children, sometimes I felt like a she wolf protecting her cubs...I still do and my kids are adults.
I just encourage them not to let her get to them as these types just do not get it...can't let them get under your skin. It is hard for the kids that it is....but through your love and support they hopefully can get through it. Limited contact is best though and in a controlled environment if possible.
it is sad though....
| RJ1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 12:15 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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Wow! I am so glad you posted this! And these words in these posts are the exact words I've used since Christmas day to describe my very own Mother. Like "toxic" and "unhappy".
My son is almost 7 years old and ever since his birth I can never do anything right it seems in her eyes. She has become the most hateful, bitter, toxic, unhappy person I know and let me tell you, misery loves company.
She can't get passed the fact that my son has another family...his Dad's side. And both families have to share him during the holidays. She can't get it in her head that my son needs his Dad and his other family, even when it conflicts with my family. She can't contain herself from saying nasty things to me or to anyone around her....but especially me (and my Dad). Of course my older brothers seem to be exempt from her nasty treatment.
I hope I'm not hijacking your post but do you have brothers? I have two older brothers. One is never treated this way. However, she does talk about my sister-in-law like a dog behind her back when my SIL is the most Christian and loving and perfect person I know! Maybe it's a Mom/Daughter thing? Wish I knew. BTW, my older brother during his divorce disowned my family and we never hear from him because of my Mom and her treatment of him...I'm beginning to understand things now a little better about how he was treated by her.
My ex came over to my house briefly Christmas morning and then we all three went to my Mom's. Of course son could only stay a short while since he had another party to go to with his Dad. The first, smugly said, nasty words out of my Mom's mouth to me, and everyone in the room heard it including my son was, "Well I guess NEXT year 'you all' can do this Christmas Eve and everyone else can come Christmas morning like it's supposed to be!"
I let it go...which I'm famous for doing.
Then when son DID leave with his Dad, I got upset and started crying because I missed him already and you could tell he was stiff and trying to act like a big boy because he really wasn't ready to leave yet. I was at the table with my ENTIRE family there and my Mom said in her most hateful voice, "WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT!"
I left right then crying my eyes out and haven't been back and don't think I can. I've cried solid for two days and can't seem to stop. I was in my bed at 12:30 pm Christmas day and stayed there until I had to go to work the next day. I began another crying fit on the way home from work. My eyes are almost swollen shut. I'm getting better though.
I haven't dated anyone seriously since my son was born but I found 7 months ago the most handsome, sweet, good-natured man I've ever known. We are falling in love. When I told my Mom about him her nastiness escalated to extreme levels. It's almost like she doesn't want me happy.
I am reading everyone's posts and taking notes. This has really gotten me down. She's always been hard on me, but the real nastiness started when I started dating.
This may sound selfish, but I'm glad I'm not alone!
RJ
| Buckeye |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 12:21 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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It's the Holiday Season and seems like it can bring out the worst in a lot of people.
My grandmother (father's mother) died a few weeks before Christmas. Now, this is going to sound horrible, but my father, my mother, me and my husband all said, well, now we won't have to put up with her shyt around the holidays any more. We can really enjoy them now. Some people just don't get it that your words can hurt someone to the core.
| RJ1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 12:23 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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She's been nasty for seven years but yes it seemed to get 10 times worse over the holidays. I told my bf the exact same thing: When my Mom is gone I'll be free!
I know that's horrible but that's how I feel.
RJ
| Buckeye |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 12:34 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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My father will not visit his mother's grave - has no desire to at all. He said that he had to "honor" his mother while she was alive but that didn't mean he had to do anything after she died.
| RJ1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 12:41 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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And another thing that makes this hard is my Mom is my only source of support for help with my son. (His Dad only does his weekends and that's it) I was supposed to drive to New Orleans for four days to see my boyfriend and spend New Year's there. My Mom usually feeds my son's cat while we are away. When she found out I was going to New Orleans she told me, "Well who's going to feed your d@mn cat...huh?"
So now my plans have changed. We will spend tomorrow through Saturday at my house since he's driving 5 hours to me...and we'll leave Saturday and drive back to New Orleans for the holiday and I'll return Monday to retrieve son after his week with his Dad. Hopefully my cat won't starve from late Saturday until early Monday and I'll leave food out that the neighborhood cats will probably get to first. SHEESH! This is unbelievable! But I will survive. My Mom was just so hateful! It's really breaking my heart.
RJ
| matilda |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 12/27/06 12:51 PM |
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Find a reputable place to board your cat
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I would look into finding a place to board your cat so you don't have to rely on your mother. It might cost $10-15 a day, but it might be money well spent. Is there a neighbor child who you can pay to stop by every day and leave out some food?
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 01:21 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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Oh God, You aren't hijaking my post. I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one who goes through this. Most all of you know about the situation with my x and him not being able to see the kids. His parents are taking the girls EOW because they want to remain close to them and frankly I need the break. Also them taking the girls offsets some of my expenses since I'm not getting CS. Let's also not forget that they are the girls grandparents.
My mom told my 12yo that it's wrong of me to send them over there EOW and had a fit because the girls go to church with them. (We're Catholic, they aren't) I have no problem with it so why the heck should she?! Not to mention she did all of that on Christmas Eve. I also know she made a snotty comment to my aunt that my x's wife and I are "best friends" now. We aren't best friends, we get along well and we talk to each other, but it was just her way of being snotty.
Most of the misery disipated when she moved but she still gets her digs in. She had a wonderdful Christmas last year because I was miserable over the break up with my SO. I think it's the first one she ever had. I just know I can't handle her anymore.
BTW----To answer your question I'm an only child.
| Melanie1 |
| (addict) |
| 12/27/06 01:25 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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RJ1,
Why not find a neighborhood kid to feed the cat? I have a couple of kids who take care of my 3 cats everytime I go out of town. I pay them anywhere from $2 to $5 a day. For that they feed the cats, keep them in dry food and fresh water, take in my mail, and pet the kitties too! Have faith that a young adolescent or teen would love to earn easy morning by coming by once a day for about 5 minutes! If you don't know any, next time post something at your church or with the local school.
Have a nice time with your bf.
Melanie
| KiwiGirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 05:24 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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Debi,
Your letter may fall on blind eyes. It may or may not add to her pity party. But the only way you can escape is to not trip over her guilt. Yes, this is all about her and nothing about you.
She has learnt the only way to make yourself popular is to be miserable.
The next time she says some snippy remark about the exs wife tell her "No, we are not best friends but we are grown-ups and don't need to one-up each other or be 'better' than someone else. That is not what I was taught in church."
Maintain, "That is not what I was taught in church." She can have no answer to that can she?
She makes your kids cry because it is the way she gets to you. She knows she is wrong because I doubt she would do it to their faces. So you tell her "You know, it is mean spirited and nasty to make a little girl cry. I will not let you speak to them again unless it stops now."
When we deal with our parents we weaken. We revert into their little child. It has taken me years with my mother to reach a stage where we respect each other. I give her credit that not once did she tell me not to leave her and dad behind and move to the USA to be with Mr Kiwi. She simply told me "Follow your heart. We are only a day away." Cripes! My mother was quoting "Annie"!
Debi, stand your ground and be the adult. Who knows? Maybe she is getting a little senile?
As for the L's, tell them that grandma is just being mean. No other explanation necessary. Because really, that is all she is.
| Runswithscissors |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 12/27/06 06:50 PM |
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Re: How do you deal with something like this-OT
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As a child of a mentally abusing mother... I wouldn't do a thing... but just know it's her... and limit your children's contact. You can't change her.... you can only change the contact.
My children have NEVER been with my mother alone.. NOR have they talked to her on the phone.... they send cards.. they send notes.... that is it. IF she wants to see them (and she hasn't in 4 years except pictures) than she can get her ass in her car and drive back to SC to see them.. (she/daddy moved to Fl in 1990).
I am so sorry for your girls! Just take this as lesson learned and don't let them talk to her again.... they can send her cards.
| ginni |
| (addict) |
| 12/28/06 09:11 PM |
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I moved to Utah
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It took moving across the country...caller ID...and just plain igoring the heck out of some people to get some peace in my house. It's been very hard, because for the first time in my life I am truly all alone...by choice...and yet, not by choice.
It hurts to know you have nobody to go to that is, "Family." I depend so heavily on the Ya Ya's and a very few close personal friends. I felt the weight of that world on my shoulders tonight. A friend questioned why I took my children with me to do some returns and the reality of, "If they don't go with me I don't go," really hit home.
I NEVER get a break. For those who don't know me I even teach one of my children at school...so it's never ending for reals.
I'm sorry she's a hiney head Debi. I'll be your sweet Mommie if you want me to. Tell the L's to call their GranGinni. I'll be the best Grandmommie ever! Promise. (I'll only cuss you how's that?)
Love always,
Grandmommie