(recently joined)
08/16/07 06:15 PM
New and looking for some kind words

Hey All,

I've lurked here for a little while hoping to pick up bits of advice and it's certainly helped. Within the last few days, however, my pain has been unbearable and I have to hear someone tell me they understand.

My beautiful, sweet, caring wife of six years filed for divorce near the end of June. I won't get into specifics, but a character flaw in me was revealed that led her to do this. We've both made some mistakes by not communicating enough, but we really had a strong base relationship. Always respectful. Always sweet and helpful. Always encouraging.

But she's unwilling to work any further on our marriage. She's says she's tried, but it's not been enough.

I'm as low as I've ever felt in my life. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want her back so badly. I want the funny, lovable cats she took with her back. I want to find the notes she would leave in my car for me before I went to work. I want to see that she's written that she loves me on the shower door or the white board on the fridge. I want to get to work and find an email that she's sent telling me she loves me and that she hopes I have a good day. I want to hear about her day. I want to put my lips on her cheek. I want to hear her yell "Hey P. Pie!" when I get home from work. I want to yell back "Hey Snizz!" and meet her for a sweet embrace and a kiss.

She's left literally hundreds of little notes throughout our dating and marriage. I've kept every one. I've kept shopping lists she made for me and then wrote "I Love You" on. I kept a Dixie cup I got the first time I went to her house when we were friends. It still sits in my closet. I stopped using a white board on which she wrote a loving note to me so I could save it. I pull all these out into the living room floor and simply wail.

It's so so horrible. I can't begin to put into words the level of my grief.

08/16/07 07:13 PM
Re: New and looking for some kind words

Hi Futureman,

Is whatever was revealed or happened between the two of you realistically beyond repair? Is it a deal breaker? Would it be a deal breaker for most people? Will she even discuss it with you? Has she moved out? Does she have a valid point, or is it something that certainly should be able to be fixed, but she's just not willing? I think understanding all of that would help us help you. I don't mean for you to spill all your private information. I mean, do you have a hope of maybe fixing this? Or is whatever this is about, is it just her excuse to leave the marriage?

Please share, we have all been through one form of this or another. I am sure there is probably someone here who has some input, advice and certainly support to offer.


(Carpal \'Tunnel)
08/16/07 09:18 PM
Re: New and looking for some kind words

I guess I would ask the same thing as Lori did. Is this a charecter flaw that other people would have a problem with or something she came up with as an excuse? To be honest that's what my x SO did when he ended our relationship. It took the kind people on this board to show me that he was the one with the problem before I could see that it really wasn't all my fault. I came back here 4 years after my divorce because I was so devestated by the end of that relationship.

I can identify with never wanting to wake up. I went through that too. Life throws us curve balls and we take the time to lick our wounds and then we pick ourselves up and move on. Whatever happens from here you can't go backwards. Even if the relationship is repairable it will mean moving forward to make it better. A good friend once pointed out to me that life doesn't have a pause or rewind button no matter how badly we wish it did.

(old hand)
08/16/07 10:42 PM
Re: New and looking for some kind words

I certainly sympathize with anyone in the kind of pain you are in.

I am curious. This character flaw of which you spoke, is this a past indiscretion or an ongoing weakness.

If this was some past mistake or poor judgement and you have learned a lesson or paid your debt made restitution etc. then as undesirable as this surely is to hear, I have to say it........There is some other reason for her estrangement.

On the other hand, if you are exercising this flaw and it is by your own admission a flaw, then go look in the mirror and thank yourself for your predicament. If she really means as much to you as you say, you would have taken steps to correct this flaw. If this flaw in any way shape form or fashion involves others, especially children, or any form of malicious or criminal behavior then you have reaped what you have sewn.

Provided this is something from the past or at least not a capital sin, you have nothing now to lose and everything to gain. Stop what you are doing and humble yourself, seek her forgiveness/understanding and do not hesitate. Do whatever it takes.

08/17/07 11:04 AM
Re: New and looking for some kind words

I read the above three posts Futurman, ladybug, and debi. I can't relate at all to the amount of emotion you have wrapped around another person.
I'm not persuaded that is a good way to live. Why / how can you feel so strongly about another person ?

(old hand)
08/17/07 11:16 AM
Re: New and looking for some kind words

One entry found for empathy.

Main Entry: em·pa·thy
Pronunciation: 'em-p&-thE
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathEs emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion -- more at PATHOS
1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this

(Carpal \'Tunnel)
08/17/07 02:52 PM
Re: New and looking for some kind words


To be honest with you when I got divorced I couldn't imagine all that emotion either. I don't think my x and I loved each other enough to have ever gotten married. I came to this board and I couldn't relate to how some of the posters felt, much like you can't now. Then a year after my divorce I met my x SO. I figured out what it was like to love someone so much that just the sight of them made you smile, some one you couldn't wait to talk to. The intimacy was something I had never experienced before, and I don't think it's something you can describe to someone who has never felt that kind of love. I know I didn't get it before I met him. The end of our relationship was so devestating to me that I wasn't sure how (or even why) to go on. It was at that point that I realized what everyone else had felt when their marriages ended.

I'm not sure it's a good way to live either. That's one of the issues I'm still dealing with. I don't know that I can ever invest that kind of emotion in another person and I don't know if it's fair to get involved with someone if I can't. It's kind of a double edge sword.

08/17/07 05:37 PM
Re: New and looking for some kind words


I don't think I have ever heard or seen someone put down in a few words exactly what I felt like when I heard the words, I don't want to be married anymore (after 26 years) and oh by the way, I have a boyfriend.

I can tell you what a freightliner hitting you at 70 feels like, but I could not put it into words.

I have moved on in my feelings, it takes a while.

(Carpal \'Tunnel)
08/17/07 06:24 PM
Re: New and looking for some kind words

I've let go and attempted to move on too. I let go because I had to, he got married almost a year ago. I've shared a little on this board about not thinking he's really happy and why, but it doesn't matter because even if he were to call tomorrow and tell me he's getting divorced I wouldn't (couldn't) trust him again. Part of it has to do with the way he treated me and the other part has to do with how he is treating his wife now by his contact with me. He may not be physically cheating but he hasn't been faithful to her and I think it wouldn't take much for him to cross the last line.

I've dated and was even in a pretty serious relationship since that one ended but I'm not sure I could have invested the emotion I did with my x SO. This may sound sappy, but the intimacy was so intense that more than once it brought tears to my eyes from the overwhelming sense of love I felt. After it ended I felt duped because I realized there is no way he could have felt what I did even though he said he did.

08/17/07 07:15 PM
It's easy when...

...you're not jaded, obsessed and have the intelligence to separate the actions of one from the behavior and values of many.

Sorry you're not there yet!

I had the PBFH of all Xs but it certainly didn't make me take it out on an entire gender. Perhaps that's because I possess what you obviously lack -- discernment, common sense and balance.

Thirteen years later I am proof-positive that the best revenge (something I never sought, it just happened) is living well.

(Carpal \'Tunnel)
08/19/07 08:03 PM
Re: It's easy when...

I dont know. It's been 2 1/2 years for me and I could never imagine my ever getting mixed up in another relationship.

Sometimes the circumstances are SO bad.

Personally, I have no interest in the "best revenge" because it was me who ended the marriage.

But both of mine make the personal risks too high to consider it again.

I'd rather been alone than go through that again.

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