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new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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Hi people. I'm new here. I've been through the whole thing...the mediation that didn't work because he was angry. The nasty nasty divorce. Trying to work it out with the kids. It's all done and I thought I was moving on...but, huh.
So here's a little background. I left an alcoholic who had other more serious issues that he was basically denying. I left thinking I would be returning, but once I told my family what was going on, I knew that was it. I refused to talk to him or his family because I knew they could talk me in to coming back and I knew my child (and my soon to be born other child) were in danger in the situation we were living in, both from the alcohol and the other more serious issues (I choose not to put them down in an open forum on purpose, so I probably will not disclose, but trust me...not good.) We went through a mess. I needed to know that he was going to be supervised when in contact with the kids and he wasn't going for that. Didn't think he had problems, or that he was dealing with them or something. Anyways, eventually the divorce passed with me having full custody...he has supervised vis. by his family.
Things have progressed. I went through all the stages denial, anger, pain, what-have-you. I am finally moving on. But there is this one problem. The love keeps surfacing. Love for the person I thought I married. When I do specific things now, such as today I was going down a road that I had taken him down...just randomly I'll start thinking about that specific instance and get bummed out because we will never be like that again. The good times are getting to me. Any advice on how to handle this? I really have done leaps and bounds in the moving on dept. I just seem to get stuck with remembering things I loved about him, or that we did together. Our personalities were really similar so we had alot of good fun together.
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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It just takes time. It takes even more time when there are children involved. I've been divorced for almost 16 years, have remarried and while it occurs rarely, a recall will crop up of the ex and tiime we spent together. We were married 25 years so you know there are memories and some of them have to be good.
Just keep in mind that who you THOUGHT you married isn't who you expected him to be. Copncentrate on who he really is, not on who you wanted him to be. It helps.
You'll always have memories and you'll always have the children as daily reminders of what was at one time. I know. We had five. But by the same token you can always be glad that you removed yourself and your children from what was obviously a toxic situation. My wife did the same with her childrens' father and never looked back. It just takes time and hard work.
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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Thanks. It's good to hear that from someone who is divorced. I talk to my family but on some level, I really wonder if they understand. It feels like I had my heart ripped out and put back in. It's in there, it's just broken.
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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And it will heal, Maurie. We humans are stronger and more resiliant than we sometimes give ourselves credit for being. You'll be fine, in awhile. Just concentrate on yourself and the children once the baby is born. That's going to be an emotionally super-charged occurance for you but you'll do and be OK. Believe in yourself!
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yregna
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(veteran)
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07/14/10 01:57 PM
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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concentrate on the checks you get, that will help.
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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Ignore the little man (yregna) behind the curtain. He's been having a pity party and striking out for years here.
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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Getting over a relationship is like building another new muscle - a "divorce recovery muscle"! It's only but natural to forget the bad and remember the good - the human brain does not really want to remember the bad. By remembering the good the brain has a field day with us along with a pity party. So we lie around, we remember our favorite song that we danced to, or that romantic restaurant we went to, the passionate kiss - and then we make ourselves feel miserable. Yup. It is normal, and will happen for a long time.
The key here is to recognize that these feelings will come and go - so feel them, acknowledge them, and then let them go - and one day just a twinge will be left - and then even that will go away.
So what do you do in the meantime? You get busy. You get busy having a fun time (no dating yet if it hasn't been at least a year after divorce - that's my rule!) - with your girl friends, go for movies, take up a hobby (with or without your kids around) - just stay BUSY. And journal, journal, journal. Trust me, it helps.
Vanaja
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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Perhaps you should stop trying to forget all of the good things. To look back on a past relationship and see that there was merit in it; that there was value in it, allows you to feel like you did the right thing at the time and feel lucky you had the chance to experience those good things. Just because something went wrong doesn't mean the whole thing was wrong. It's totally normal and healthy to go through this. It would be odd if you weren't. Let go and move on, of course, but don't feel like you have to view the entire relationship as one big negative experience.
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Re: new here, just seeking some reassurance, maybe
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EndofRope, I wasn't saying that you should forget all the good things. Every past relationship has good in it, and it is normal to remember those good things. My point was that as long as we recognize that the memories are just that -memories - and that the relationship broke down for a reason, and those reasons are also still there. The entire relationship should never be viewed as one big negative experience - because there is always some good, and there is a lot we can learn from it too.
However, what I have found is that sometimes women (and men) will go back to a relationship, remembering only the few good memories and forgetting the negative - only to end up with a break-up down the road again. It's a needless cycle of pain that can only be avoided if both are willing to get some professional help to make the relationship work.
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