| FirstTimeAlone |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/03/11 10:42 PM |
Divorcing after 25 yrs, and Scared!(long)
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I started dating my husband at a very young age, and we married after my 2nd year in college. I am now in my mid-fourties, with 6 children, 4 of whom still live at home. Two teens, and two younger children. He started changing when he was in his mid-forties, and I was 40. He wanted an open marriage. I was scared and stupid, and I went along with it for 6 months, but couldnt stand it. He agreed it would end. My dad died that spring, and a month later I was diagnosed with cancer. He started drinking heavier, especially when his own father died a few months into my cancer treatments. He left my care and the care of our younger kids up to our teens, and he stayed out all night with women, even when I was too sick to get out of bed.
I tried to get a divorce, but 2 diff. lawyers said I was too sick to get custody of our children.
I am 3 years free of cancer now, and he said he had stopped cheating, but his drinking has continued. I hired a PI and got evidence of his drinking and cruelty, also learned he has been cheating for months. I cashed in all my retirement, and hired the best lawyer I could find, put him under a restraining order and changed the locks. Now reality has hit. I am so scared to be alone! I havent worked since having cancer, had a very well paid but highly technical and physical job, not sure I can handle it anymore, and my disability review is in a few months. we have very complex finances, with rental property, etc. I am soon going to be completely responsible for the financial decisions, scared to death! What if, what if, what if? I think if I continue in this relationship, I will have cancer again in no time. This is sooo hard, its hurting my children (although the 4 oldest understand.) But I just cannot live like this...How can I continue to be strong? When will this aching in my gut ease? I cant sleep, cant eat, have upset stomach, and am trying to hide all that from the kids, this is WORSE than cancer...
| RebeccaFein |
| (newbie) |
| 08/04/11 01:57 PM |
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Re: Divorcing after 25 yrs, and Scared!(long)
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You have every right to be scared. It is scary, however you are very brave! Many women never take the steps you have and you should honor yourself for taking these steps for yourself and your children. You have been through so much in your life and you need to look at that without fear and say "Look at what I have done!" You have beaten Cancer and been abused and yet you are still standing! What an inspirational woman you must be. How brave you are and how amazing your children must be, how amazing they must feel that they have a mother with your fortitude and strength. Honor yourself. Honor the woman of courage that you are!
Having said that, of course change is difficult and painful. There is a grieving process and then a birthing process. I tell clients regularly that divorce is like a birth because it is painful and at the end there is a new life waiting to explore the world. You know this of course first hand having 6 children AND you are experiencing the death part right now.
Honor this part, I had a funeral for myself in private and for my former life. I needed to do that in order to have my birth process begin for me. With regards to it hurting your children, of course it hurts children they have their own pain and see you in pain. However if you are in a plane crash there is a reason they say put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else.
This is a great opportunity for you and for your children. You can do this, you get to reinvent yourself and decide who you want to be in this chapter of your life. You may be trying to hide it from the kids but no doubt they see it.
When you are feeling anxious hold that feeling in your arms as if it were a baby and fill it with love. I know this sounds hokey but do it, my clients report great results from this simple exercise.
The aching in the gut will cease when you honor the death part of divorce and proceed into the birth part. I can't tell you when that will be, for each person it is different. You will get there though.
Where can you go to get support when you need it? Find some places that you can get support through. You mention his drinking and cruelty try contacting your local domestic violence agency and see if they can offer you assistance.
Remember you are a very powerful, confident woman. You create your own reality and determine your own course...you don't let things get in your way...not even Cancer!
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 08/06/11 04:00 PM |
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Re: Divorcing after 25 yrs, and Scared!(long)
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I am sorry you are going through this, the divorce is hard enough but to deal with illness has to make it even harder.
Everyone reacts differently...you can continue to be scared and helpless and hopeless or you can try and figure it out to be strong and move forward. I assume your STBX has a job??? If so, he will probably have to pay child support which will help towards the care of the children. You aren't the only parent. Even though he drinks, cheats, etc, he will still be responsible for support to the children.
It can be scary to be alone but it can also be strengthening. In the sense you dont have to put up with his cheating, his disrespect or drinking, you only have to rely on yourself and what you want and how you want to do it. You can do this, if not what is your alternative???
If you can't do this, what will happen to you, your kids & your home? Sometimes when we see it slipping away we get the strength to pull it all back together.
You can be strong but it will be hard. Do you have friends, family you can have support you?
Have you gotten legal counsel on how the assets, child support etc will be administered? The more you know about that part of it, the better off you will be and not left in the unknown which is also very scary.
I wish you luck.
| Jadita |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/12/11 03:22 PM |
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Re: Divorcing after 25 yrs, and Scared!(long)
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One of the ways to ease the emotional stress is to share your feelings and fears with your kids. I'm not talking about bad mouthing their father but rather have an open discussion with them what keeps you awake. We, parents, tend to shield our children from the marriage turbulences but kids are part of the family and they already know that things are not peachy. You'll be surprised how much support and relief they can provide you with.