| Wilson |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/23/07 12:25 AM |
Scared to death
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My wife and I are seriously considering a divorce after seven years of marraige. We've been separated for about 2 months but we still see each other each day. We both feel that we don't have "it" in our relationship; "it" being that magic between a man and a woman, between a husband and wife. We both realize that the passion in all relationships fade with time, but what if you never really had that passion? We're scared to death that if we get divorced and one day find someone else and get married we will be back in the same situation seven years into that relationship. There are other issues (religion, and lack of sex), but we just don't have that heated passion, nor did we ever really, truly have it. We've stayed together for seven years just trying to do the right thing. I'm wanting to know if there's anyone out there that got divorced and got re-married later and the second marriage was more passion-filled....did it confirm you made the right decision to divorce???
| mom3kids |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/23/07 08:25 AM |
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Re: Scared to death
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I was married for 12.5 yrs and divorced due to his infidelity.....i have been in my current relationship for 3.5 yrs now and there is no passion, no fire.....but i have come to the realization that if i leave this relationship that the grass isnt really gonna be any greener so i stay where things are stable.....i have 3 kids and its too hard to find someone that wants a woman with 3kids....my advise is to stay and try to work things out....sometimes you have to make passion not wait for it to happen. Its the right thing to do.
| matilda |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 06/23/07 10:16 AM |
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Re: Scared to death
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I guess it would depend upon if any children were involved and my age. I am currently in a passionless relationship myself. Yes, I am unhappy, but I stay for my daughter. She absolutely loves her father and would be devastated if I asked him to leave(the house is mine). The stability for my daughter is more important to me right now. If I didn't have our D then I would probably ask him to leave because he stresses me out with his messiness and emotional roller coaster personality.
I think it is fairly typical for relationships to get hot and then start to cool down after a number of years. It doesn't mean that they can't get "hot" again. Have you had any big changes in your life that causes stress and decreases the passion? The pasture isn't always green on the other side at first, but may change to green after awhile. Or it may not. Ultimately, you need to decide if losing what you currently have is worth the risk.
| yregna |
| (veteran) |
| 06/25/07 11:31 AM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Mom3kids,
You are staying for the money, right ? How does that make you feel ? Aren't you a typical female ?
| yregna |
| (veteran) |
| 06/25/07 11:34 AM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Matilda,
The real question is:
Are you going to stay even though in the end you'll have to pay alimony for the rest of his/your life ? This is what men do, so perhaps your staying ain't as noble as you make it sound....
| mom3kids |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/25/07 03:20 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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[quote]Mom3kids,
You are staying for the money, right ? How does that make you feel ? Aren't you a typical female ? [/quote]
NO ...sorry but I make more money than he does. Typical female.....yeah i guess so if by that you mean putting up with a man's bs everyday.
The point i was trying to make is that ....just because you loose the passion and leave a relationship doesnt mean that things will be better down the road....sometimes its better to stay and try to push thru the rough times, it may get better later down the road.....
there are alot of reasons why there is no passion.....
there are 3 kids in house 98% of the time....we both work alot of hours and are exhausted most of the time. We are stretched financially and that causes alot of stress....we both have gained quite a bit of weight since we started our relationship which doesnt help our sex life one bit ...im not miserable, just not living some romantic, fairytale life.
| Badasp |
| (addict) |
| 06/25/07 04:24 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Mom with 3, most of us here knew where you were going with that and I feel it's honorable that you would even contemplate hanging in there and giving it the old college try before you punted and left the relationship. I only wish more spouses felt that way. Most people, given the opportunity, would do anything to make it better for the both of you than call it quits and take a chance it would be greener over the rainbow...
| jaiye |
| (old hand) |
| 06/26/07 12:07 AM |
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Re: Scared to death
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I was in a bad marriage for 30 yrs. No passion and in fact we grew to virtually hating each other. I finally left and was seperated for 2 years and let him talk me into taking him back. We continued to try for another year until I had finally had enough. We divorced and I am in another relationship that is everything I ever wanted. Do we have problems? Of course we do but the difference is that we talk those problems through and solve them together. We are not married and probably won't ever be because I don't ever want to be responsible for another person for anything ever again.
If I had it all to do over again I would never stay in a loveless relationship. I truely feel that I wasted 25 years of my life. If you are not happy now it is doubtful that it will get better and in fact will probably get worse as you will grow further and further apart. My X didn't want a wife he wanted a mother to take care of his sorry a$$.
| Badasp |
| (addict) |
| 06/26/07 12:23 AM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Some are triggered by kids, attention, finances, age, hormones or all of the above. Some can be worked out, if there is communication before it gets terminal. You sound like your's went south a long time ago and you just stayed there. Were there kids or what caused you to hang in there so long?
| jaiye |
| (old hand) |
| 06/26/07 01:44 AM |
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Re: Scared to death
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There was never any comunication. I was a kid of 18 and he was 7 years older at 26. We had our only child when I was 19 and yes that was pretty much why I stayed, that and the fact that all those years ago I had no training to enable me to support myself and my child. He was no help in the raising of said child or any help in any other manner. Even after I went back to work after my son was born I still had 100% responsibility for everything at our home. This man couldn't even make his own Dr or dentist appt's and never mind the idea that he would maintain his own car.
I can honestly say that at first I stayed because I was a scared kid with horrible self esteem issues. Later in life it just seemed easier to live with the known rather than to take a chance on the unknown. It took alot of soul searching and emotional growing up to make me realize that I didn't want to live my entire life in this way.
My X seem to think that his only responsibilty to the relationship was to bring home a paycheck and spend the rest of his time in front of the TV.
| yregna |
| (veteran) |
| 06/28/07 01:42 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Quote " live with the known rather than to take a chance on the unknown..."
Translation: Live with the known $$ coming into the household, rather than get out and earn my own living...
There may have been a time when women were honest about their desire for money, but no one has see it....
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 06/28/07 02:01 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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obviously you must have gotten burned by your woman...but not all woman need a man to support them...some of us do go to college or learn a skill with out college so we can pay our own way and not let a man control us financially or in any other matter.....wonder what happened to you....
if you view all women like that then you will forever be losing out on life...
| yregna |
| (veteran) |
| 07/02/07 02:15 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Not all, but a huge majority. HUGE !!
Friggen' needle in a haystack to find a good looking one who doesn't want money. Sorry the truth hurts...
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 07/02/07 06:15 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Doesn't hurt me in the least, maybe its your attitude that makes a good looking women who does not need you to support her that makes it so hard for you....attitude is everything...your bitterness may seep through we can only hide our dark side for so long and then it creeps out, kind of like pandora's box...maybe you keep trying to attract the same type...who knows but in the end...unless you figure it out it will only end up hurting you
interesting that you only view women as wanting a meal ticket...there are plenty of women out there that make more than enough to never ever have to rely on a man financially and for those of us that have that...its great...
| Dixie |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/26/07 09:43 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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Wow, I was also married for 30 years, right out of high school. While we did have some good years, he had anger issues and was very controling in nature. (for example, made my our son, 16 at the time, carry a concealed gun in the car. Me, too, but at least I was able to go get a carry and conceal permit to protect myself). I knew for about 5 years and buried my head....and did not deal with it. I could have very easily gone the way of the bottle.
No, what brought the end of my fear of change was his anger and impatience pushing me one time too hard. See, I suddenly found myself very depressed and was seeking help from a doctor, who was ordering tests and sending me to specialists. When you are severely depressed, you can't do anything. Well, someone's meals were not getting cooked, groceries not being bought (even tho we had tons of food for the disaster that never came) and I was told to snap out of it. I went out of town one weekend to get away (God, I hated weekends at home) and came back to being locked out of the bedroom. Three days later, it the lack of feeling safe in my own home drove me out. I left my 13 year old soon, barely able to care for myself. I was homeless and sick.
Turns out not long after, I was told I had cancer of the thyroid. Funny, how some change their tunes when they show their ass. I did not return and refused all counseling. He not only was out of control with his anger, he had turned mean and vindictive. He vowed to destroy me, to my face and to my children's face. I consider him evil, pure evil.
Fast forward, he denies my youngest son's presence at the hospital for my surgery. ("I will bring him after"). My son was sent to school, not knowing how his mother was doing in surgery. The doctors were preparing me for radiation, so I did not aggressively fight for custody of my youngest. My oldest was emancipated and not part of any custody hearing.
Finding out that my thyroid was not cancerous was one of the most bitter sweet experiences of my life. I was cancer free, but did not have my son because of an opinion (cells consistent w/ Hurthle Cell.....).
In this past year, I have grown more than I have in the past 10 years. And while I would never tell anyone how to live their lives, I will only say I learned fear of the unknown is what drives our decisions.
In the past year, there is not one day I did not feel fear, but it's fear I can live with. I still have much to be gratful for......including my share of the marital property, lol. Seriously, I have learned what is important.
So, when I hear someone express fear, it's easy for many of us to understand. I had greater fear for what I would become if I stayed than my fear of being on my own.
Dixie
(sorry, didn't mean to unload with the first post, but it seemed way too coy to say "someday I will share my story." It's history, and I have not looked back once)
| Sherron |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 07/29/07 07:41 PM |
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Re: Scared to death
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"Friggen' needle in a haystack to find a good looking one who doesn't want money. Sorry the truth hurts... "
Well, maybe you need to find an average looking one then? I know I am going to sound stereotypical here, but a lot of woman who get by on their looks alone, well, let's just say, never need to develop beyond their shallowness. If looks work, why bother having a personality? Look at Paris Hilton...granted, she's probably not after your money, but as much excess she's been granted in the looks department, she's sure been shorted in personality and brains. Seriously, how long can you date a woman who's only topic of conversation is "that's hot"...?