| liftnbhappy |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/20/06 08:39 AM |
Feedback on my situation
|
Hi. I found this forum the other night and all the feedback I read on others situations is just great. I need some feedback from people who aren't directly involved. As my mom, my only support system is telling me to pack up.
A little background. My husband and I are a few weeks short of 7 years. We have 2 little girls together. 6 and 4. Our marriage started out strained. We were young, I was 20 and he was 23. We got pregnant and decided to get married. We were very poor as he was going through a Police Academy unemployed and I was a LCpl in the Marine Corps with a new baby. We spent that winter with no heat as we couldn't afford to fill the gas tank. Anyways, we made it through that in tact. Then his dad passed away right at our 1 year anniversary. This seemed to really eat at him, he kind of closed off a little. He was really guilty he didn't see more of his dad as we lived in NC and his dad was in FL. Then we got pregnant again. completely unexpected.
Now we would fight like wild animals. He would push me, he'd break stuff, I'd yell and scream, he'd leave or I'd leave. Just wild fights. When I got pregnant with our second daughter I was devastated. I wanted to finish my tour on active duty and get out and go to school full time. A new baby meant I couldn't do that (or at least I thought). I was moody and the pregnancy made me really sick. We got into it one day and he grabbed me by my throat and lifted me off my feet. Slammed me into a wall and then threw me across the room. I prayed that night I would lose the baby. I had cramps and all but didn't lose the baby. Things would go on like this. He would get mad and break something. A phone a remote control rip his shirt off. Whatever it might be closest.
I stayed in the Marine Corps for another tour and we got transfered to Washington, DC. He started the Police Department in DC. He absolutely hated it. Things got pretty bad. He was real moody, he got shot at at work, almost stabbed, kept getting blood on him and had to go through tests. It was a nightmare, he never really told me any of this until recently. Well I guess he held it in and took it out on me. He grabbed me again by my throat one night and threw me around the kitchen. I got cut up pretty bad. He said he was sorry and apologized profusely for a few days. I forgave him. I didn't want to say anything and him lose his job. That affected me just as much as him. Well after I forgave him it was like it never happened. It was over, never to be talked about. I honestly thought that he had convinced himself that it never had happened. Time went on. We bought a house. Little things kept happening. Breaking of this or that, or this one time he got mad at a woman in a parking lot for dinging his door and he rammed his truck into hers. Got away with it of course. That good ole boy police network. He would discipline our daughters a little too roughly in my opinion. Grabbing them and shaking them. I'd say something and he'd just go off. I'm an a$$hole. He was pretty lazy around the house as well. He didn't help with picking up and dropping off of the girls at daycare. Didn't run the vacuum or do any cleaning. His idea of doing laundry was washing it, but never folding and putting it away. I felt like the family slave. I was there so he could say he had a pretty wife, pretty kids and a nice house. But he really didn't contribute to any of it. He slept a lot, he said I didn't understand shift work. He would sleep pretty much his whole time off and then get up and go to work. I was lonely. Very lonely and unappreciated.
Everytime he would get mad I would cringe inside. I would wonder what would happen next. Thoughts of him getting into a fight and us getting sued would come in my mind. All sorts of things. Now you see I am just as much to blame for all of this because I just let this all happen. For 6 years never said anything. I didn't want to start a fight. Or if I would say something to him it would come out as an attack on him personally because I would just let it all build up until I was ready to fight.
About a year ago I started talking more to a friend at work. We started off just talking about work and goals. Then we got more comfortable and started talking about the problems in our marriages. He told me how strong I was, that I was beautiful, that my husband didn't know what he had. You know how this goes. One thing led to another and my emotional affair turned into sex. Well I felt guilty. We had sex about 3 times and then I ended that. But we still continued to talk. I would turn to him. I started a journal and never wrote about the affair but about all of my husbands faults. He was reading it. I think I knew he was. I wrote about the affair in it and he confronted me about it. It was a relief to no longer have that guilt. I thought it might be a good way out of the marriage. But a funny thing happened and I realized I did love him. Really did. we agreed to try and we should have gone to counseling.
His anger started up again. He started breaking things and he would get me in the truck and drive like a mad man and intentionally scare me. He would grill me about the affair, asking me all sorts of questions. He would wake me up at 2 in the morning drilling me. He wasn't sleeping or eating. It was getting out of control. He would get mad and say go *uck another guy or call your boyfriend. It just really seemed to me he couldn't get over this. His brother-in-law suggested that he move out for awhile and he started looking. All of a sudden his anger was gone. He was normal again. It seemed so strange this sudden change.
He said he wasn't mad anymore just numb. I keep begging him to forgive me and he has agreed to go to counseling with me. Then I find out he is talking to a female cop at work. They are texting each other and talking on the phone. I found out by one night we go out on a date to work on OUR marriage. His phone keeps going off and he says its a friend or his brother. It is midnight and I am wondering why his brother or a friend would call so late. Well he got pretty drunk that night and when he went to sleep I got his phone. This other woman had been calling and texting him all night. I saw the texts he had sent out to her from a few days prior. Saying he worked a lot of overtime to get out of the house and that they could start making out at work. I confronted him with it and he said it was just a joke that one about them making out. Right, I'm an idiot. So we keep talking and I beg him NOT to talk to her anymore that we need to work on healing US and bringing another person into will complicate things more and lessen our chances. I've begged him not to talk to her over and over again and he just won't stop. He hides it too. He deletes his call log and the text messages but I can see it on the internet. I can't see what the text message was, but why else would he still be talking to her. Then we went on a family vacation last week and I find out when we got home he was calling her from the bathroom and texting her.
I want my marriage. I do love this man. Faults and all. I made a horrible mistake turning to another man for comfort when I should have found a better way to communicate with my husband. But I look today and he just texted her again last night. I can't help but get really mad. I just want to throw in the towel and say screw it. Screw him. Help me please. Give me some advice
| Curmudgeon |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 08/20/06 09:12 AM |
|
Re: Feedback on my situation
|
The two of you need some heavy-duty couples counseling and he needs some anger management classes.
Your marriage is fraught with emotional, verbal and physical abuse, infidelity and a total lack of trust, something without which no marriage can survive.
You have two small children. What lessons are they learning about love, relationship, marriage, communication, respect, etc? That's what they'll take with them into their own future relationships.
Something has to give and it just might be the marriage. I also think your husband, at least, should be professionally evaluated for a personality disorder. I'm surprised he passed the psych screening for law enforcement.
| matilda |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 08/20/06 09:40 AM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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i agree with the poster above that this relationship isn't a good example for your daughters. They are growing up thinking that the way they/you are being treated is normal. If you stay you are setting them up to engage in abusive relationships as well.
Your husband sounds like he might have been abused as a child. He might be feeling guilty that somehow the abuse was his fault. Now that his father is dead he can never show his dad that he is a good little boy.
I would be terrified to live in the type of situation you describe. Are you financially able to find an apartment for you and the girls? Or else see a lawyer and file so that husband needs to move out. I seriously think the two of you need some distance. Maybe if you aren't living together and you begin to have a calmer more normal life you will see how dysfunctional your relationship is. Your husband needs to undergo anger counseling before he is allowed back in the house.
I have a girlfriend who was dating a cop who was abusive to her. He'd hit her at times, have her followed by his cop friends, threaten to kill her (because he knew how to do it and get away with it). He drove away all of her friends so she wouldn't have a support base. He would act like the perfect BF in front of others then go home and abuse her. When she did decide to talk to others, of course they didn't believe her because he was "so nice." Does any of this sound familiar???
I think that a number of abused children enter law enforcement because it allows them to be in charge. As abused children they felt helpless, now they are empowered. I know my GF ex boyfriend is a nut and he still pass all of the psychological tests.
| carla |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/20/06 12:04 PM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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Thank you for sharing. Climbing tripping clawing sometimes along this life's journey - so much pain
| Lucy44 |
| (old hand) |
| 08/20/06 12:09 PM |
|
Re: Feedback on my situation
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Quote:
"I made a horrible mistake"
Yes you did.... by not leaving him years ago!
Give it up already!!! Your children deserve better than to be incarcerated in a household like yours. Who do you think you are - bringing your kids up to think that abuse is a normal thing? This isn't about you! All that praying to lose your youngest child didn't work!
You have them...Now take care of them!
(sorry about the tone...but you need to protect your children)
| Gecko |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/20/06 12:22 PM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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Sounds like ya'll are pretty "even" in the "fault" department...you BOTH have "anger" problems and you BOTH have "cheated" on each other.
If he is agreeable to counseling AND you want your marriage to work, I would RUN to the nearest counselor and get started. I would also suggest "anger management" and individual counseling for BOTH of you.
Ya'll can't change the past, but you can go forward providing that you let the past go. That means that he can't hold your "affair" against you and you can't hold his "affair" against him.
You need to make up some "rules" about when ya'll become "angry"...like "safe" zones that each of you can go to when things become heated that they other person can invade until BOTH of you calm down.
| Lucy44 |
| (old hand) |
| 08/20/06 02:01 PM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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Quote:
"You need to make up some "rules" about when ya'll become "angry"...like "safe" zones that each of you can go to when things become heated that they other person can invade until BOTH of you calm down."
That "safe zone" thing is a really good idea!
| Gecko |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/20/06 02:16 PM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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That "safe zone" thing is a really good idea!
---> I can't take credit for the idea...read a post somewhere else about it.
---> Another "rule" has to be that you ONLY discuss THAT issue. In other words...you are say angry because s/he forgot to do something they said they would do, you can't bring up OTHER things you are angry about NOR can you bring up OLD things. You're supposed to be adult, NOT children.
| Debbie_L |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 08/21/06 11:46 AM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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I don't think it's a good idea to stay in an abusive relationship period. You should have left ages ago. You and your girls could be at risk - next time he loses his temper he may break bones instead of objects. I don't think an anger management class is going to help that much (or that quickly). You need to get out NOW - then if he can prove to you over time that he's taken all the anger management, etc, then you can think about working on the relationship (if you still want to by that point). My guess is that once you actually get away from this guy, you'll slowly start to respect yourself more again, and realize that you don't want to live with him. You owe it to your girls to get them out of this situation. Good luck. I'm glad you have a mother who is supportive - that will help alot. Take advantage of that, and take her advice.
| liftnbhappy |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/22/06 05:53 AM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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Thank you all for your feedback. He does have serious issues with his parents. He is adopted and somehow not sure how this happens, but his mother abused him physically and mentally. I see now that his father, who he looks at as a great man, is just as much to blame for the abuse because he should have kicked her out when it started or at least when it didn't stop. He is moving out. I am moving back to be closer to my parents. I am still going to seek counseling on my own as I really feel that I need it after all of this. It is very hard to feel like I gave everything I had to this family minus the affair, and it is this easy for him to just walk away from us. Shows me how truly lazy he is. He was very content with me never saying anything. Now I am voicing what I want, what will make ME emotionally happy and fulfilled in the relationship and he doesn't want to work at that. That hurts. But the pain gets less each day. I am going to take my daughters to counseling too. I didn't mean for my post to sound like I didn't want them or my youngest. I was just trying to express how despaired I was over the incident that had happened. My daughters are awesome and they are what gets me through each day and I have realized that for me to give them the best I, ME, have to be the best. I can't be a sunken ship trying to keep them afloat.
I do feel like he has a personality disorder. Several people have asked me if he is bipolar. And yes, everyone thinks that my husband is a great guy. Even my parents were shocked when I told them about the stuff that had gone on. I didn't air out our dirty laundry. I didn't want to be confrontational, which was a huge mistake. I don't think that I have anger issues, from Gecko. I have serious communication problems, as I want to keep the peace all the time. I don't say anything so as to not upset anyone. Then something small will make everything come out. BUt I have never broke or hit anyone or anything. I have used some snide comments and remarks, that I am guilty of and you are right that sometimes that is worse than hitting.
A friend sent me an article on how very common it is for police officers to be abusive in their home life. It was very tragic. Most of the time it ended very badly,with someone getting killed. So to the poster who said he was surprised he passed the psych boards well I guess they aren't looking for the right stuff when they run those tests.
I have been a tad back handed with something, but I feel I did the right thing, as my husband told me he went to anger management counseling a few years ago through his department. He couldn't give me a name or anything on the counselor. I don't believe him, I think he made that up so that he can just say to me I was working on it you just didn't know and don't appreciate what I have done for you. So I called his Sergeant and told him that unless he was made to go to counseling that I would be forced to make this whole thing messy. I just don't want to entrust our daughters to him for a weekend visit without knowing that he is seeking help for his many issues. We are trying to keep this whole thing out of the courts as much as possible as that was what we were advised to do. If we can be amicable then that is less that the courts will decide for us. I am still documenting everything and getting it notarized. He thinks that is extreme...but hey so are his moods.
Thank you again for all your posts.
| Debbie_L |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 08/22/06 11:44 AM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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I have heard many stories about cops that abuse their spouses. I think as a profession, they are right up at the top for abusers. This type (and I'm not saying all cops are like this - of course they're not) enjoys CONTROL and POWER. I'm glad you are getting out, and you're right - it does sound like he may have a personality disorder. I got out of a relationship last year with someone who has bpd (borderline personality disorder), and he made my life hell. He also stalked me and scratched my car, etc. after I broke up with him. Be very careful - the break up is a very dangerous time with these types. Keep safe!
| BB1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/26/06 02:51 PM |
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The abuse will not stop.
|
You need to copy and past this post on an abuse website.
Drirene.com
visit the catbox and paste your story in there to get advice from an abuse perspective and not so much a saving your marriage perspective. You are in a toxic relationship.
Him not doing the laundry and helping is because he has a huge sense of entitlement. He is an abusive man! Let your little girls grow up in this kind of environment, it will become all they know and they will likely end up in abusive relationships when they are older. They see mommy accepting it so they think it's okay. Think of your confusion and your pain. Is that how you want your girls to feel someday? Get them out into a functional environment. Abuse is not normal! Domestic violence is against the law. You do not deserve this kind of treatment. You deserve respect and kindness and so do your babies. Please post on Dr. Irene's site. You will get very valuable advice about abuse from the people there. They understand because they know how it feels to be demeaned and hurt.
| liftnbhappy |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/27/06 07:50 AM |
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sigh.....
|
thank you BB1. I am in so much turmoil. I will definitely read through that other forum. I need to. I need something. I'm going to start counseling next week, it was supposed to be couples counseling but he thinks I am trying to get him diagnosed as clinically depressed to sabotage his job. He accuses me of recording our phone conversations, he accuses me of prank calling him, I think it is his girlfriend calling and checking up on him. I don't know why he thinks I am recording our conversations, I don't know what purpose that would serve. But that has been the mantra lately. He has been accusing me of all sorts of things. I am moving back to be closer to my family and our home is for sale currently. He says he is "allowing" me to move back home, that he could take me to court and no judge would let me leave the state he knows the law. I just don't think he understands that I could take his daughters away from him permanently. He would never see them again if this went to court. I want him to be part of their lives and have been very amicable about making that happen, and he just keeps attacking me. His new trick is to either call me while he is working or we'll start a conversation here and then it gets heated and he doesn't want to talk anymore and he hangs up the phone or walks out the door and is gone. And here I am left to deal with all these emotions and still try and be the solid foundation for my daughters.
You are all very right I don't want my daughters to be in a relationship like this. I don't want them to be treated like this or to feel like this. It is just so hard to break away from him.
I have stopped being the crying blob in the corner and have gone back to being the self efficient mom my daughters know. I didn't realize how confusing it was for them to see their stability and rock crying and sobbing and weak and giving up. How scary for them. Time to stop being so selfish of my own thoughts.
Last week he wanted to try and make things work. Which I was elated over. He made this big production of deleting his girlfriends number out of his phone. We made love. I was hopeful. We talked and we talked about getting counseling together and that he might be suffering from depression. Well then he called off work that night to be with me and he decided to start drinking. He was talking and going back to his "you don't understand what you did to me" mantra. And couldn't get me to go to bed fast enough. I finally did and he stayed up and talked to his girlfriend all night. I found out the next morning and I was PISSED. I couldn't believe it. I know stupid me. If this was happening to anyone but me I could probably see this. I woke him up out of his stupor and told him I was going to call her. I reached down for his phone that was in his shorts on the floor. He jumped out of bed and grabbed me by the arm and pushed me back. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. No my daughters didn't see this they were sleeping, I know doesn't much matter. Well I called the girlfriend anyways. She didn't answer of course. I left her a message to call me. Nothing mean. Stressed her all out. She's calling him. I got a little bit of glee out of that. I know, sick. But she's been stressing me out, it was nice to return the favor. But alas, I am done with that, I don't need to talk to her to solve anything. The best way I can repay her is by letting her keep the a$$hole. Wouldn't his department love to know he called off work to drink a whole bottle of vodka though. No I have no intentions of threatening him with that or calling them. The thing I am pointing out is that he is so paranoid that I am going to do something vindictive when if I was going to do something to ruin his career I would have done it by now. That doesn't serve me any purpose or my daughters. Last night he came home drunk. He decided to drink on duty. He stopped at a bar while he was still on duty. Nice, huh.
This is just the biggest mess I have ever gotten myself into and it would be so much easier if I just didn't love him. sigh....
I am really hoping that the counselor will have some good things to say to me to really help me with this. Regardless, his apartment will be available on the 15th now, date got moved back, and he will be out of the house. Which I think is huge as him being here all the time is not helping me let go.
Keep pointing out the blatantly obvious to me, as you can see I have my blinders on. They are coming off but not easily.
| rocketgirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 08:15 AM |
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Re: sigh.....
|
If you keep doing things to deliberately provoke him (waking him up and telling him you are calling his gf, reaching for his phone, etc.) he is going to hurt you, possibly very seriously. I understand the need to punish him, but you are the one who is going to get hurt.
You need to lay low, get your ducks in a row financially and emotionally, and get the hell away from him. It does no good to verbally spar with him. A judge will decide how things are going to be. But you need to provide evidence for the judge to rule in your favor. If you can get your hands on some money, I'd hire a private investigator to do some snooping.
| BB1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 08:28 AM |
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the accusations
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Accusations are normal for an abuser. It's their way of justifying the abuse in their sick minds. It could also be he has Paranoid Personality Disorder. Does that mean he has a mental illness and should be excused for abuse. No it doesn't. Yep, get yourself educated on abuse (verbal, emotional and physical) and you will begin to see exactly what he is doing and why you stay. Once you know, it's easier to break free. I think you should see a therapist/counselor who specializes in abuse. You can get that kind of therapy free at a local Domestic Violence shelter.
The night he stayed home he pulled the hoover manuever on you...he sucked you right back in for a little while just like a hoover vacuum cleaner. Then when he thought he was a success, he turned around and called his OW. It's hard to leave, even an abuser, sometimes especially an abuser because they have conditioned your mind into thinking you are a 2nd class citizen, a piece of poop, no one else would want you, etc...Everything he ever said to you is NOT true! They peck and peck and peck away at your soul until it's gone. You will lose all confidence and strength. Don't let him peck your soul away. When he says something mean to you, know he's lying to keep you in the relationship. God, if he has a girlfriend he should just go...but it's all about control. Abuse is about control. Bless your heart...get help before he kills you or hurts your girls.
| liftnbhappy |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/27/06 10:38 AM |
|
Re: the accusations
|
I don't mean to make anyone else here feel like the advice they have given me was not well received but BB1 you have put the situation in true perspective for me. You are absolutely right about him sucking me in a little only to punish me again. He keeps telling me he wants to move on with his life and then I start taking steps to do that and he gets angry at me or plays the pity card. The newest thing I also forget to add in my last post was the I am getting blamed for everything in his whole life. He says he has gotten crapped on his whole life and he found so much peace and happiness with me and I just took it away from him with my affair. He blames me for his mothers physical and verbal abuse towards him. She was an alcoholic, had a string of boyfriends, gambled all their money away and hit and verbally antagonized her sons. He is adopted, I think I stated, and when his dad passed away his brothers told him it shouldn't hurt him as much as he wasn't blood. He compares me to his mother, which infuriates me. I don't drink, I don't have a string of boyfriends, I had one affair, which was not right but I have owned up to it and never plan to do it again, I take great pride in our budget, we have no debt and a nice savings. I'm not comparable. I know this in my mind. Why do I need his validation? Why do I feel like I need to convince him, when I'm not going to be able to? I can't take the blame for what his brothers said. I have repeatedly told him to talk with them about that and that they probably said it out of pain. I can't do anymore than that. It's his problem to deal with, I can be here for him emotionally, but that is it. Why can't he see that? Why can't I just say oh the hell well and brush off my knees and elbows.
He has said all these sweet things lately, when before it was nothing but jokes, that I supposedly couldn't take. It's like why are you saying all these things now, when I needed them before. Telling me them then would have helped me say no to getting emotionally and then physically involved with someone else.
His entitled attitude only continues. And I love how you put that BB1, that is exactly how it is. I think I left this part out about him coming home drunk last night. He comes strolling through the door at 3 and starts his you don't know what you did to me game, had me up until 5 this morning and then I had to get back up with the girls at about 8. And it is now 1130 and he still continues to sleep. While I am out buying a patch kit for the wall that he put a hole in with his head when he was banging it against the wall telling me "how could you do this to me". Which is good, because him acting this way just validates everything. It helps me realize NO I'M NOT OVER REACTING.
I did buy a book on verbal abuse. Some of it felt like it related and some of it didn't. You see the physical abuse is not frequent. But the emotional abuse and the terrorizing is continuous. Like when he gets me in the truck and drives about 90 mph in the berm (the small space on the side of the road) on the interstate during rush hour traffic. Taking turns too hard and running lights, whipping in and out of traffic when the berm ends and almost causing several collisions. Or like last night to add to the list of his busting the wall, he held his gun to his face 3 times. Sheer terror. But if I mention that today I am severely over reacting he says, if he wanted to put a bullet in his head he would have done it by now. How is that supposed to take away what I felt when he did that? How is that supposed to make me feel better. Why do it then. The pity party.
I will head to the library tomorrow and look for more books on different types of abuse. I have been a reading machine lately. Mainly dealing with books on the children, but you know I need to get myself straight or no damn book or amount of reading will be worth a crap for them.
I promise you all, I am done dealing with him. No more antagonizing him, let her have him, let her deal with it. I am done trying to prove myself to him. I am done trying to make a future with him. This is about me now and making me happy and content so I can be a great mom.
| rocketgirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 11:03 AM |
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Re: the accusations
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I hope you mean this... it could literally mean your life or your girls life.
| BB1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 11:35 AM |
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Re: the accusations
|
He keeps you in a FOG. (F)ear, (O)bligation, (G)uilt.
The gun - Fear
Pitiful Party - Obligation
The affair - Guilt
Walk out of the fog!!
Books = Ditch That Jerk and The Gift Of Fear
Take the gun slinging seriously. Know if it happens it will likely be a murder/suicide, not just suicide. My friend's husband shot himself in the face in March. He lived. He's blind. He has half a face now. He did it selfishly to leave her with a life of guilt, but he lived so it then became an issue of her going back because of guilt. He still had control but she didn't go back. She stayed strong and got appropriate therapy for domestic violence.
You don't have to live in a DV shelter to get their help. They can help you understand, get assistance financially if needed and they can help you with a safe escape plan.
You took ownership for the affair. It's done. He will never let you forget it. It's like his little ace up his sleeve. It's his tool for control. And lookie here, he has a girlfriend. He's entitled to an affair, but you are the world's biggest sinner? NO! That is a double standard.
Rocket Girl is right. You should never provoke him. If you want to do something, just do it without letting him know. When you feel the need to do something think long and hard about what the consequence will be if he finds out and then ask yourself if it's worth it. He is a very dangerous man and you should be very cautious. That's where I think the book, the gift of fear will help you. You know, if you don't want to go to a dv shelter for advice, you can always place an annon call to a hotline.
The abuse is about control. He doesn't have to hit you to abuse you.
The best thing that could happen for you is that he leaves for the OW. God looks out for people like you. He's trying to get the man out of your life. It's up to you to cooperate.
Stay one step ahead of evil by listening to your intuition and by always knowing his next move. Use your brain to survive this.
| rocketgirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 11:47 AM |
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Re: the accusations
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Awesome post, Beebs.
I have often wondered about your friends husband and what happened to them...
| liftnbhappy |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/27/06 12:01 PM |
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Getting the book
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I am on my way to the bookstore now. I will get that book. That FOG acronymn makes SO much sense. It's very good to hear all of this. YOu put it into such a context that makes me see clear.
The whole OW thing blows my mind. I just don't grasp the rational thinking of how he can harp on me and ridicule me but he can do it and it's OK, it's justified.
I do plan to call the hotline, I got the number. I don't need to go stay there. My mother is well off financially and I can draw on that if need be, however, that always comes with consequences too. I don't feel like being obligated to her too much with my daughters and I moving back to her home once my house sells here. We are going to be staying with her while I am having my dream home built on land that she gave me. So as you can see I am tapped out on the whole owing mom thing. Don't want to dig that hole any deeper unless I have to.
He woke up finally about noon and it was like nothing had happened. He took the girls to a movie and asked for a hug on the way out the door as I was kissing them. I told him no and he pulls the I guess we aren't going to be amicable like we agreed card. How does me being affectionate to him have ANYTHING to do with being amicable. And this is of course after he walks inside from being outside on the phone with the OW. WTF!!!!!
Yes, I do believe that someone is looking out for me. My grandmother who was plagued by MS for 37 years passed away 2 years ago on my birthday. Which was the 18th of this month. I think she's got my back. She was a very very strong woman. Like I said she dealt with MS for 37 years and never once complained about her own pain from the disease and the emotional aspect of being that sick. Every year she got worse and worse until she was bed ridden and couldn't even feed herself anymore, let alone talk. She was such a devoted woman to her family and all of her friends. I know she is with me right now.
I'm just so scared of being lonely. I mean that sounds so stupid. But I am just being honest. I have spent the last 7.5 years pretty much alone. His long work hours and working overtime and sleeping during the day. But I guess I have been like at least that little bit is better than nothing. I'm 28. I don't know how I will ever trust anyone enough to love them again and I don't want to be old and waiting for my daughters to come visit me as my only bright spot. I'm being over dramatic, everything is just weighing down. But its all going to be OK.
Thank you Rocket Girl for your concern. And yes, BB1, your posts are awesome
| BB1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 12:08 PM |
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Thanks RG..
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You know DV and abuse are subjects close to my heart and a "thing" I detest. All abusers should be stoned in a public arena because they are not fixable...that's animal abusers too. Any kind of abuser! Grrrrrr!
| BB1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 12:24 PM |
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Re: Getting the book
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Fear of being alone is part of the fog and is part of why you stay. Do not be afraid of being lonely. Being lonely is better than being abused. If you get lonely, you can chat with friends on line. You can come back to this website and post to other people who need your help. You can join a gym, a club, group therapy to help you learn to trust again, you can start your own web page and share your stories of abuse to help others...so much is out there waiting for you! Being alone without abuse was meant for you. Do not fear anything. Fear will make you stay.
Not being able to trust again is not necessarily a bad thing. It means you are aware of the evils. When you find a trustworthy person, you will know it.
| rocketgirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 05:02 PM |
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Re: Getting the book
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Isn't being lonely better than being dead? In my book, it is.
Lonely is a state of mind only. I was lonely only until I decided I didn't want to be that way any longer. I found friendship with a man I will call my husband next summer. This was only after some long distance relationships didn't work out (but they were fun for what they were). It all happens in the time it is supposed to happen. Just be patient and work on YOU. There IS a real person in there that doesn't need someone else to define them.
| rocketgirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 05:04 PM |
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Re: Getting the book
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Isn't it kind of interesting that being a victim of abuse can only make you think like another victim of abuse? I wrote my post (almost parallel to yours) before I read yours...
| liftnbhappy |
| (journeyman) |
| 08/27/06 05:17 PM |
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Got the book
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Well I got the book. I spent two hours straight reading it with my mouth wide open. Everything fits. The control, the respect me or else, the animal abuse (he shot our family dog about 5 years ago and beat another one just recently to the point I had to get rid of him for the dogs sake), the road rage and his feeling like the road is his and everyone else is just in his way, the his wife is his object. All of it. What makes it worse is the fact that he is a cop. That seems to be his golden ticket out of any reprocutions (sp?). I called the domestic violence hotline and am seeing a counselor tomorrow.
My post should be moved. I no longer want to save my marriage. I am a victim of domestic abuse.
| rocketgirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 05:24 PM |
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Re: Got the book
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Be very careful about what you are doing. Do not tell anyone that has anything remotely to do with him or I feel you will be in a very dangerous predicament.
Good luck to you.. please keep us posted as to what is happening. It is scary for us to try to help someone who is a victim of domestic abuse and they suddenly disappear.
P.S... I don't think his being a cop is his golden ticket out of trouble. I think it might just be his downfall.
| BB1 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 08/27/06 05:32 PM |
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Re: Got the book
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Come over to the life after divorce board. That's where I generally post. I rarely look at other forums. I don't know why I came to this board. Must have been an angel whisper telling me a soul needed help. Dunno.
As RG said, you MUST keep this all on the down lo. Confide in us. We don't know him (don't care to either) and that keeps you safe. Calling the hot line was step one. Getting to the appointment will be big. Please don't re-think it and cancel. Do your very best to get there, if not for you, for your girls.
Congrats on your first big steps. You still have a long way to go but you've made a ton of progress in just one day.
| saralee |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/30/06 10:33 AM |
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Re: Feedback on my situation
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Whew, you have your hands full. Please, please get counseling asap. You are right that you need it for yourself, so that you have guidance on how to handle things as they come up. I talked to someone at divorcebusting.com which made me see how I could do things differently (I was way off track) and it really made a difference in how my H responded to me. But, whatever you do, do not let him be alone with your girls, if you think he is dangerous to them.
Good luck!