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New husband, new problems
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My first husband passed away in 1999. It was a good marriage, not perfect, just good. I remarried in 2004 to a man I had known for all long time in our church. He came with some baggage; widower, children, grandchildren, and self esteem issues. He is jealous of my first husband. I admit I make mental comparisions, but try to hide my frustration, diappointment and anger. I am in love with him, but don't love him as deeply as he wants. I tell him that real love takes a good time to develop, but he is impatient with me. He gets moody and withdrawn. Accusing me of not loving him at all. After two and a half years, I am tried of the same discuss and it is driving me away from him. I can't discuss this with my pastor, because he has known us both for a long time in different marriages. I can't afford a therapist. Does anyone have any ideas how I can make this marriage work?
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Re: New husband, new problems
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It sounds as if he's the one who needs the therapisty to get over his jealousy issues. Being a widower, he above all others should understand.
All I can suggest is the next time he starts this drivel, tell him that if you didn't love him you wouldn't have married him and you certainly wouldn't still be there with him, then be perfectly honest about how his jealousy over a dead man (sorry to be blunt) is driving you away.
Sometimes we men need to be hit between the eyes with a 2X4 to get our attention. Continue hiding your frustration and disappointment for so long as you think the marriage has a chance and don't discuss your former husband, where you went, what you did, etc. in front of him. In time the matter may become moot. Two years is not a lot!
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Re: New husband, new problems
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When William, my 2nd husband, and I were seeing each other, I did talk too much about Harold, my 1st husband. William was part of my grieving process. He knows how deeply I loved (still love) Harold. After 29 years of marriage, I am accustomed to a certain type of man behavior. William is very different. He doesn't trust therapy. He is strong willed. He wants to solve all his problems himself.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Oh, yes, and thank you.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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You're quite welcome.
Under the circumstances he's just having to get over it and while he's doing that you're going to have to keep in mind that he's not Harold, not like Harold and won't act, react like or emulate him whatsoever. Surely he has some similar, good traits, however, or you wouldn't be with him but he should get full credit for those individually and not in comparison.
My wife pulled much the same thing regarding the past when we were first married. She was 48 and I was 50. I grew sick of the mentions, comparisons, etc. and let her know it in no uncertain terms. That was likely a two-way street since my former marriage lasted 25 years. The difference was, I didn't bring it up except as it related to support, both child and spousal I was still paying. Now, after 10 years of marriage, it wouldn't bother me anymore if she did make mention of the past which she doesn't anyway. She's married to me, we'll grow old(er) together and that's all that counts.
Tell William to ease up a bit and that you'll do your best to not say anything to make him uncomfortable. He knew there was baggage there after a 29-year marriage and my best guess is that he brought his fair share into the marriage as well. Live and let live!
He needs to understand that Harold is no threat to him whatsoever, but he, himself, is a threat to both himself and your marriage.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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William has not had the most successful life up to now. As he nears retirement, he is getting worse. Unfulfilled dreams, children problems. He views himself as having been cheated out of many pleasures of life. He wasn't cheated, he just never took the time to do them, enjoy them, pursue them. He spends too much of energy trying to do things he thinks will make me happy or happier. What he doesn't realize, is that it is his smile I want to see! He's a good man. He had to be or I wouldn't have considered marrying him. He is just too worried about us. (One woman's magazine suggests I should invite him for a bubble bath. Since it's Sunday and no football, I think I will log off now.)
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Re: New husband, new problems
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I can identify with what William is going through. I had all those thoughts following the divorce. Thankfully, I got over them. Up until that point I figured I could never afford to retire and would likely be found at my desk one day having assumed room temperature.
I did, of course, lose half my retirement in divorce as the ex was a SAHM but I've more than made up for it with savings and investments and will be retiring in a touch over three years, the dsay after I turn 64.
Tell William for me that it's never too late, children have a habit of getting on with their lives even if it does seem to take them an inordinately long time to mature and kicking himself about for a past he's powerless to go back and change makes no sense whatsoever. It's wasted energy, emotional and otherwise, that's better spent on looking and planning ahead.
I'd say William has done alright. He has you, doesn't he?
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Blanche DuBois: A woman's charm is 50% illusion.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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But the other 50% can more than make up for it!
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Without meaning to, I sometimes intimidate William simply by being the Southern Bell my mother taught me to be. It is not deliberate, it is the graciousness and good manners that were expected in my home growing up. It is sad that the tradition has faded in the South today. Too many cowgirls and not enough ladies. Yes, I know that I am the one out of synch.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Then stay that way. Actually, we'll be moving to your neck-o-the-woods when I retire because we both miss the sense of history and tradition that are decidedly lacking here on the left coast.
Hopefully the tradition has only faded, not disappeared altogether.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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The Georgia Peaches are still a lucious as ever, if I do say so myself. And the true Georgia Gentlemen as refined as ever.
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Gecko
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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02/13/07 02:23 PM
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Re: New husband, new problems
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I can't discuss this with my pastor, because he has known us both for a long time in different marriages.
---> Sorry, but that is just about the sorriest excuse I have ever heard! I think your reason for not wanting to speak with your pastor is that you don't want to hear that the problems with your marriage lie with YOU...NOT William.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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I don't see the problems lying with her and not him. I'd say they both have problems, but he sounds VERY insecure. It does sound like maybe she didn't give herself the proper time to grieve her first husband before hooking up with him if she was still talking so much about him to her second husband though. Nobody wants to try to compete with someone's memory of another, especially when there's no way to ever live up to the memory of "Saint _______ (insert first husband's name)"
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Greko and Debbie, you are both right. I came to this forum because I know I am part of the problem. I am looking for some sound advise.
Greko, you must know that in a small church community things do not remain secret for very long. I am uncomfortable speaking to the pastor, that doesn't mean I am afraid to speak with someone else not so intimately acquainted with William's and my pasts. What do you recommend?
Debbie, competition with my 1st husband is a problem I created and I have to contribute to the solution. I am just not sure how to go about it. What do you recommend?
Thank you both.
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Gecko
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(Carpal \'Tunnel)
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02/13/07 10:53 PM
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Greko, you must know that in a small church community things do not remain secret for very long.
---> It's "Gecko", NOT "Greko"...I don't wrestle.
---> I live in a small community and my Pastor knows things about me that my family, significant other and bestest friends don't know and I never worried once that anything I said would get out. But if you're not comfortable speaking to the Pastor and you can't afford a therapist...click on my name and then click on "send a private message" on the lower left hand side; I'm free, I don't tell tales, I'm a good listener and I have a sh*t load of common sense. 
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Sorry about the misspelling. Actually, from the few posts that I have made in this forum, I have not received what I am looking for. People here are closer to or actually in the divorce process. A more serious stage than my marriage is at.
I found another site, which deals more with seniors and my situation. Thank you for your concern. I wish you well and Happy Valentine's Day.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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I guess that was my final post. God speed to you all.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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This is a test.
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Re: New husband, new problems
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Test
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saralee
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(recently joined)
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02/19/07 02:05 PM
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Re: New husband, new problems
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I don't think it is realistic not to be able to mention your spouse that has passed away. It is part of whom you are today. However, there has to be a way to approach each other that doesn't seem hurtful. I think you have to talk to a counselor. I also have seen some very good forums on this topic at divorcebusting.com , it really talks about how to build up your relationship and be respectful of each other, which is what we need no matter how many times we end up in a new relationship. Might as well learn it now....I am sure trying...
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