| Dabs |
| (recently joined) |
| 02/19/07 03:12 PM |
What should I do ?
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We have been married for 16 years. 5 yrs back my wife had an affair (with her personal trainer) and I caught her and then only she admitted. We went thro a trauma during those times, first she refused to come back and said it was all over and that she never loved me and she was always adjusting but could not anymore. Because of her sudden change in behaviour her parents asked her to see a physiatrist and she was diagnosed for depression. She took medication for a 1 year and during that time we came back together and we did not discuss the past and got back together and I was looking forward to my life together with her. Eight months back when i came back from a business trip she handed over me a letter saying she does not have feelings for me anymore and this marriage was all a mistake and she wants it out, (we have 2 children 8 & 10)again I was completely shocked at this. She again said that after her affair she was trying to develop feelings for me but could not. We had some counseling sessions, but she gave up half way saying she does not like this counselor's advise. As the counselor told her that since I have changed, that she should show some affection towards me so i do not feel completely dejected and she did not like that and we stopped counseling. We are still living in the same house and sleeping on separate beds, she says she does not want to take any steps for a divorce as the children will get hurt and i agreed with her. But I have been hoping since the last 8 months that she starts developing feelings for me again, but i see that nothing of that sort is happening. I have been trying to do things for her which she use to complain about in the past, but nothing is working out. I feel very dejected since I see no response from her end, could she be having another affair ?? Is she trying anything from her side to make this marriage work. At the same time she has told me point blank that she is not having any affair...is she telling the truth ! Should I just end this whole misery or should i wait for her feelings to develop again. Do such feeling develop again ?
| Fab |
| (newbie) |
| 02/20/07 10:05 AM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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Dabs, I see it's been hard for you to stay around, waiting for a response that would make everything better. Apparently, you have worked hard to change some things that were not healthy for your relationship and you want some recognition for that effort.
I don’t agree with the therapist about the affection issue either. Specially if it concerns physical intimacy. You can’t force someone to feel anything. It just doesn’t work that way.
You can try a different approach. Something like: “I acknowledge that it is your choice to continue in this marriage or to leave. Whatever you choose, do it because it’s the best for you and your happiness”. You may be surprised how these simple sentences can make her trust you again. She needs to understand that you are not on opposite sides, and that you still care.
If she trusts you again, you may go out and have some fun. With and without the children. Show her that life can be good just the way it is right now.
You can set a time frame for things to get better. You don’t need to tell her, but you can say for yourself: “I will try for more six months, and then, if it doesn’t improve in any way, I will move on with my life. I also deserve to be happy and loved.”
Good luck, Fab
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 02/21/07 07:02 PM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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I dont know - your situation looks pretty dismal to be honest...if someone tells you they dont have feelings then all the hope/prayers in the world will not bring them back. You can hang on and hope for the best but usually its the kiss of death...I do not mean to be so brutal here but sometimes the truth is right there in our face and we are in denial. She stopped counseling, you sleep separately...is this what you want for the rest of your life? Because look at right now...this is your life...and probably a good view of what you have to look forward to for the rest of your life. Yes by all means, try to save your marriage, continue counseling...try to get your wife to work with you and after all that if there is no improvement then you need to look at this life and decide whether you want it to continue.
I am all for saving marriages but when its over...its over...I sure hope that you can save yours but if not...you will need to make decisions.
Think of the children, staying together just for them, sleeping in separate rooms/beds...what kind of message is that for them? Divorce is awful...but with the right approach it does not have to be....
i hope things work out for you.
| shohn |
| (member) |
| 02/24/07 12:49 AM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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Such feelings can develop, but it won't help if you seem miserable. Do you seem miserable?
| Dabs |
| (recently joined) |
| 03/03/07 03:49 PM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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Yes I feel misreable from the inside, i am unable to concentrate on my work. I do not bother about things the way i use to be bothered. Do not keep in touch with any of my friends or parents, I am basically trying to live the way I think would make her comfortable. She does speak to me nicely and we just go about our daily life. In this situation how do i even come to know that she is developing feelings or not. She seems to be happy...but i could be wrong. I am actually scared to ask her that "have you developed any feelings for me". Should I just wait for her to tell me something...i really do not know to do. I sometime feel i should just tell her...OK that's it ..you go your way and i will go mine. Is that the right thing to do ??
| WhoDaresW1ns |
| (recently joined) |
| 03/05/07 12:09 AM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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A few questions for you?
1. How often did you give her words of affirmation?
2. How much time would you say you spent with her prior to getting married, and then after?
In short, did she see a drop off in your keeping her as a priority in your life?
| shohn |
| (member) |
| 03/05/07 11:49 PM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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Have you read that book "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman?
What other books and counseling have you taken. You've GOT to become educated on marriage and how to tune to HER wavelength.
You asked if that is the "right" think to do. Please realize I'm one of those pro-marriage bigots so I'm a bit biased. Don't ask her if she has developed feelings - just show her and her feelings can change. It takes time. Why did she have the affair in the first place? Did you ever figure out why? It wasn't right for her to do that, but by the same token what was it that you were not providing? Romance? Excitement? My suggestions are usually - read read read, get your confidence back somehow because a lack of confidence will be repulsive to her, find God, get an awesome counselor - even if she won't go - you go, and take her out on some "fun" dates - not your mindless boring diner and a movie, but something really fun. Those are the basics. There is a lot more, but I suggest you get you some good books and read them all in one night just to keep your mind off of this for now. As far as her being cordial - honestly that is much better than what I had. Also, you can't just ki$$ her a$$ and expect her to develop feelings - it is a very very fine balance because if she loses respect for you - well those feelings are gone, but at the same time you can't be all arrogant either. Try to think back to when you guys first dated - how did you create magic then?
| WhoDaresW1ns |
| (recently joined) |
| 03/06/07 03:45 PM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is a great place to start for both you and your wife. Neither one of you will be wasting your time investing in this one. As long as your proactive in your approach, you will both recognize why she stepped outside the marriage, as well as, how to prevent that from happening again.
(I am not the Author of this book, just an advocate)
Sincerely
WhoDaresW1ns
Bjeeprubicon@aol.com
| Dabs |
| (recently joined) |
| 03/14/07 11:35 AM |
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Re: What should I do ?
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I sure will get hold of the book. I have read some books like His Needs, Her Needs - Harley. In fact we both read the same book, after she had her first affair. Then after a few months we both did not bother about reading some more books, i guess i should have at least. To be honest i really do not think i knew what marriage was really about, how to maintain and grow this relationship. May be I took her for granted for the first few years, i did not do fun things, did not go out on regular vacation, did not spend money on her buying her gifts etc. Was just busy doing my job, having said all that I too lead the same life I did not go around having fun alone. Its just that when we had kids, i thought my priority was to make some money so kids could be secured and I became stingy with money etc. So whenever she use to spend some money I use to ask her things like "why that and why not that". But I never stopped her or kids from doing what they wanted, its just that i use to question a lot...habit i guess. I have stopped that completely now. That was one of my big negatives on her and the other was whenever my parents visted our house. She just hates my mother..do not want to get into that discussion. During the last two months I bought her some personal gifts - expensive ones. Initially she refused them but then she started wearing them, I am not sure what to make out of this. I think she has worn them because the gifts are nice and not because I gave it to her. Either way I am happy at least she is using them. The other day we were discussing about us and she mentioned to me that she is infact drifting even further from me. I am doing all that i can currently to change myself for her, but I am just not getting any response...so this really frustrates me. I guess I will give it another 3months, if things do not improve we just go our way. Is this the right thing to do ? I need to be loved too like everybody else !!