| prayful |
| (recently joined) |
| 05/23/08 06:31 PM |
Unfaithul Husband
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I never posted anything like this before so please bear with me. I have been married happily for almost 22 yrs (or I thought so) until about 6 wks ago. My husband informed me that he was unhappy and he was not sure what he wanted. I walked on eggshells for those 6 wks along with my daughter, praying constantly, and doing everything possible to please him. He works over an hour away and got an apt with a co-worker who also travels a distance. He said he would try to work things out and I thought we really were working on it. He refused to seek counseling. He signed the lease the beginning of the month and stayed away from home only one night that first week, but went and stayed Mon-Fri the second week. That Friday he informed me he could no longer do it. He then informed me has been seeing another woman which turns out to be from Calif (where he travels on business a bit) since Oct of last year and that she is moving across the country and leaving her 12 year old daughter with her husband. She is actually moving here in 2 weeks. As we speak now, he is there on business for the week with her. She works for the organization he had dealings with there which is how he met her. He said he loves me but not like he should and that he can not spend another 20 year of his life not being happy in a marriage. I begged him to stay and did everything possible but his mind is made up. I love him so much!! We have 2 beautiful children, ages 16 and 19. They are both devastated and shocked over what he did. We have cried each and every night and are all in total shock. All my friends are very angry over what he did to our family. I really don't know what to do. My son (the 19 yr old) refuses to talk to him and my daughter is afraid not to talk to him for fear something will happen to him and she will feel guilty. I guess I just needed to vent. I am having the locks changed this weekend for fear of him coming here and wiping me out. This woman seems to have such control over him and I am afraid all the financial promises he made to us will stop. He also said that if we need anything day or night, he will be there for us. He was talking to me everyday up until he flew out to see her and we ended our conversation by saying I love you each time. I know things changed but deep down I think he still loves me. I know he definately loves the children. I don't know what to believe anymore since we have been living a lie for so many months. He also has been lying to her since he never told her that he has been sleeping with me all these weeks. I asked him about visiting the children when she moves here and he has not discussed that with her as of yet. She seems to be very needy, drinks, and has to be with him wherever he goes (this is what he has told me) We are trying to be civil but it is very hard. I am terrified. Can someone please give me some words of wisdom or insight? We live in PA and he is a state employee. I have a very low income job and he makes about 3100.00 more a month than I. He promised he will take care of the bills until my daughter graduates in 2 yrs but I am terrified to get him angry so he does not change his mind and also she will change his mind once she gets here since she will be unemployed. What can I do??
| Jacob |
| (journeyman) |
| 05/24/08 09:25 AM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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I'm so sorry to hear about your nightmare. The first ugly thing i see is this other lady coming to live with him. It will make it much more difficult for him to break with her to get back home. He will feel obligated. He is infatuated right now so nothing else matters. By reading the tone of your post, I suspect he is betting on you just rolling over and accepting whatever he dishes out because you will be desperate. Get a lawyer. Get educated on what your options are. Some states allow alimony for a certain amount of time. Sometimes if you hit them hard, they come to their senses. I have done exactly what your husband has with my previous wife. It was extremely painful process. I know that if I didn't have the "other" woman around, I would of went back home. I think it is imperative to get him back quickly...i'm clueless on how to do it. Anyone else??
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 05/24/08 07:25 PM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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Getting him to come back home is probably not an option right now...the new woman is new...and different and not part of his life....instead focus your energies on getting some legal advice on how to protect yourself and children. Assume when dealing with him on anything now that she is behind the scenes calling the shots...you are not just dealing with him but "her".
See a lawyer, make copies of all your bank statements, assets, etc...know what your family worth is...you do have protection and he will proably try to tell you otherwise. As a long term wife you may have rights to part of his pension, child support, and maybe alimony.
but dont wait..you can be hurt all you want which is very understandable but know through all the hurt that there is another woman in his life right now and she may be calling the shots...so protect your kids for their sake
I am sorry you are going through this but treat the breakup like a business transaction...both of them are not going to look out for your welfare...
good luck
| prayful |
| (recently joined) |
| 05/24/08 10:04 PM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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I did make copies of all bank statements, savings, and credit card. I took my name off 2 other cards we held jointly. I have a friend who knows a lawyer but they are only giving me info by phone. She lives a distance away and unable to represent me. I really do not have any money for a lawyer. I am told that you can get free consult from a lawyer and I also heard there are certain circumstances where he can end up paying for my lawyer. The one question I do have is am I able to change the locks on the house? I was told yes and also told no since the house is under his name too. I do not see why not since he is the one who left. He still has a lot of things in the house and was planning on coming up and doing things around here. Today, the kids told me they do not want to see him. I don't think I do either but God, I am missing him so much. I miss speaking to him and just touching him. I just can't get over that he did this to our family and I still would do anything to have him back. I keep hoping she changes her mind for some reason and stays in California with her daughter. I know it will never happen but I do pray it does. I am also praying that he will come to his senses. But most of all I am praying for the kids. They are both so confused right now and having a very hard time dealing with our situation. They are both scared to do anything for fear that he might stop whatever money he promised us. How long will I feel this way? 22 years of marriage and just give all that up. It is so very hard!! Everyone says I'll go through all different emotions. I feel a little anger but more hurt then anything.
| Jacob |
| (journeyman) |
| 05/24/08 11:59 PM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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Possession is 9/10ths the law. Change the locks. He left you. He abandoned the marriage without giving any chance of reconcilliation.
| Jacob |
| (journeyman) |
| 05/25/08 12:03 AM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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I wish he could read this...at least you didn't do this: in the middle of the day, at his place of work, drop off ALL of his possessions at the front door (actually sidewalk , to include guns, etc) and drive off. Yea, It was pretty sweet. I got a call from the general manager..."ah, jacob, i'm going to need you to come down here. I think your wife dropped some stuff off for you"
| Annie7676 |
| (old hand) |
| 05/25/08 08:50 AM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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My X left after almost 30 yrs of marriage. I could have saved myself ALOT of hurt, sadness if I somehow could have let it go right in the very beginning where you are, let it go and moved on...I know how hard it is...but instead of hanging on to some man who no longer wants us we cling, want them back and miss them.....why? My X had OW...I was really stupid as I look back...but we try so hard, we want to believe that they will come to their senses, they dont in most cases...
so the best advice I can give you...is put yourself first and your kids...he has....he has shown both you and your kids that 'SHE' comes first...so as much as you want him back,,,be [censored] with yourself....he has made his choice..its her...and remember you are not dealing with him...you are also dealing with her...that fact alone would make me want to just get it over....get the free consults from all the lawyers you can...write your questions down...and get all his stuff together...
i didn't change my locks for a long time and i found that he would bring her here and they would just take things...its just stuff but the principle of the thing
good luck to you..i do not mean to be harsh but getting forward will help...
| gettingby |
| (journeyman) |
| 05/25/08 07:13 PM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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1st rule of divorce - never take legal advice from your soon-to-be ex. I would not worry too much about making him angry because the LAW decides what you get, not him. But you can't wait on this. Praying is fine, but you need to take action to protect yourself and your kids. Get a free consult, or talk to family and friends and see if they will loan you money for an attorney (and put the loan in writing). Temporary court orders can be put in place to make sure the bills get paid. He might have to pay your legal bills, or maybe you can sell something later to pay off the bills. Don't let him make the rules, you have lots of rights in a long term marriage.
| prayful |
| (recently joined) |
| 05/26/08 09:22 AM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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Jacob, I wish I could do what your ex-wife did. My son wants to hang his clothes outside from the Maple tree. He will die if we do that and I feel like I am trapped...that if I do not go along with what he says he will screw me over more financially. I have decided that I will contact a lawyer this week and hopefully get as much info with the free consult and then go from there. I want to thank everyone for all your posts. I do know I have to move forward and I will. I have great family support so the kids and I will definately get through this.
| Renee |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 05/26/08 01:00 PM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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"He will die if we do that and I feel like I am trapped..."
Ma'am, your Husband will not die, no matter how badly his feelings are hurt by putting his clothes out of the house. I realize you meant that figuratively and not literally, but my point is, his feelings? They should be taking a very low spot on your priority list right now. YOUR feelings, and your KIDS feelings take precedence over his.
He LOST HIS RIGHT to have his feelings considered when he moved out and started up with another woman. Sure, I'll concede he probably thought about, and was maybe even concerned about, how it would hurt his family emotionally, by taking up with the other woman.
But in the end, he STILL did what he wanted to do to take care of HIS desires. Yours and your childrens needs were secondary to his. Dare I say he even put the Other Woman's feelings before yours.
Yes, he can tell you all the things you want to hear; that he will still take care of you and the kids, that he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, that he'll always be there if you need him. Those words are maybe 40% sincere and come from his guilt. The other 60% are trying to keep you and the kids calm and from ripping his face off at any given moment.
I know this post is harsh. I'm sorry for that, believe me. But the facts are harsh no matter what his feelings are or his words say. He has chosen to put his wants first, he has chosen to put another woman above his wife and his family. A man that can do that is not worthy of your respect or protection, because he is not respecting or protecting you or his kids.
Divorce is a business deal above all else. Its legally ending a contract and paying damages. The sooner you move to protect you and your kids the safer and more secure you will be in the long run.
...and if your son feels that hanging his dads clothes from the maple tree makes a profound stmt from him to his father, and sets some of your sons anger free, let him do it. Your son is entitled to be angry, and more to the point, his father has EARNED it.
| icwal |
| (enthusiast) |
| 05/26/08 11:35 PM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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I sent you a PM (private message).
| BillWebb |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/02/08 06:32 PM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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Unfortunately, your fear of the unknown (and change) has more power over you than your anger over his affair. His attempts at making things easier for you are actually keeping you from taking the steps that you need to take for your children and yourself.
I was once exactly where you are. Once I stepped off into the abyss, I found that the change was as much positive as it was negative, and it wasn't really an abyss after all.
Find a way to talk with an attorney.
| notsosunny |
| (newbie) |
| 06/03/08 08:00 AM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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Dear Prayful.
I feel for you and the situation you find yourself. There is alot of good advise on this forum ( especially the advise about you protecting yourself and your children fiancially )Don't let him dictate " what " he is going to do for you. I think ( not an expert ) but you should be able to set up temporary orders for support for bills and your children. In a long time marriage YOU have alot of rights, get to a lawyer for help anyway you can. As far as the marriage it sounds like your husband is in a Mid-life crisis. Please try www.divorcebusting.com. There are many forums there that I think would help you. Good luck
| MaritimeGuy |
| (addict) |
| 06/03/08 11:24 AM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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Yes it's possible you may be able to get him back but do you really want to? How could you ever trust him not to do the same thing down the road if this one doesn't work out for him? I think it's true..he's infatuated. It's a case of the grass being greener on the other side. Most likely it won't be long before he figures out it's just a trick of the light.
You however need to take care of yourself and your children. That's your number one priority. He's chosen to go it on his own. I think the two components of taking care of yourself are understanding your legal rights and at the same time perhaps getting some counselling to help with the emotional toll of all this.
| MeloDee222 |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/12/08 08:58 AM |
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Re: Unfaithul Husband
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You have received some GREAT responses, pay attention to Renee and MaritimeGuy...they are SPOT ON!
BIG Long distance hugs,
Your friend, MeloDee222