| danielle16 |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/18/09 08:45 PM |
my story
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So 6 weeks ago, my husband asked me for a divorce. He told me he’s not happy. He doesn't remember ever being happy. I tried to convince him that we need to save our marriage, and he says there’s nothing to save. I tried to tell him to fight for us. But he doesn’t want to. How can I argue with that?
So he moved out. Got his own apartment, and I'm here trying to pick up the pieces of my life.
We've been married for 2.5 years. We dated for 12 years before we got married. We have a daughter who is 1.5 years old. To be honest, I think most of the problems started when she was born. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter.. she is the most important and wonderful part of my life. But everything changed when we had her. Our dynamic changed. I changed.. I became a mom. He changed... he became angry.
My husband started pulling away. He started going out every weekend. And not just for one night, he played hockey a lot more.. full weekends away - he went to every tournament he could find. He started going to the gym every night for 2+ hours. He mountain-bikes in the summer. He would go biking every weekend. He smokes pot - he would do that the rest of the time that he WAS home, or invite friends over. He always played hockey, went to the gym, smoked a little pot, and liked mountain-biking before. But now it was different. It became an obsession to leave the house. And I needed him at home even more. So I resented it every time he left. And we'd argue about it. But he didn't care. He always left, spending money we didn’t have. He put us into a lot of debt. And I stayed home with the baby.
It hasn't been a good year. We did counselling, but it didn’t help. He just told the counseller what she wanted to hear. He even admitted that to me. We fought a lot - mostly about him leaving, or doing drugs. And he gets really mean when we fight. Not physical, but emotionally abusive. He yells at me, calls me names, belittles me. Our fights were never about a subject, always about bringing me down and being hurtful. So I just stopped fighting back. Just agreed with what he’d say, but it didn’t matter. He just kept going. He’d lose his temper, punch holes in walls & doors. But for some reason, I stood by him. It hurt - every word he said. Every time he came in the house and looked at me like he hated me. Like I was this horrible person that took away his life. I walked on eggshells trying not to say or do anything to make him mad. But it didn't matter how nice I was, or how much I did for him, he always found a reason to get mad. He walked in the house from work mad. There was no way around it. In front of friends, family, it didn’t matter anymore. I was so embarrassed to have people over. He was so angry all the time.
It got a lot worse in the last few months. I started talking about having another baby. I started saying how much I wanted to give our little girl, a brother or sister. It was always our plan to have 2 kids. But not to him at least not anymore. He would get so angry when I mentioned it. I pushed the subject a few days before he left. I believe that’s why he left. Maybe he knew we couldn’t go through this all again with another child. And he wanted to leave before we brought another child into the situation. I don’t know. But I wish he would have talked to me.
So I should be happy he left. I should appreciate that he decided to walk away before it did get physical. I mean, it couldn’t have been good for our daughter to see all that anger. All my friends and family, have been really supportive, but I know they all think this is the best thing that could have happened. I know if I were on the other side as a friend I would too.
See my issue is; I believe in marriage. I believe in never giving up. Pushing through the bad times, and never quitting. Is that so wrong? I'm a fool, and I know it. But I want to fix this. I want to go to counselling, and try to keep my family together. I don’t want to go back to that angry home, but to the house of love we had a few years ago. The one he can’t remember. But I can’t make him do that. I can’t even make him remember the good times. And I certainly can’t force him to try again. And if I did - where will that get me? Back here in another year.
And my little girl. She deserves so much better than this. She is so smart, and so beautiful. She needs to have a stable home. A mom and a dad. Fulltime. I have been by her side every day since the day she was born. I didn’t leave every weekend. I didn’t take off every night. It was me and her. And I have been devoted to being a good mother every day. And now, I’m supposed to just hand her over to him. The one that left us. The one that made this all happen. The one that didn’t care about how this would all affect her. Every other weekend. And then again during the week. I didn’t become a mother to do if half the time.I want to be a part of her life every day, not just when it’s my turn. He didn’t take turns the last year. It’s been my turn since the day she was born. And I loved it all. Sure I would have liked some help, but I never wanted to take turns. I never wanted this.
I was a good wife. I was loyal, forgiving, caring, trustworthy, trusting, and a good mother to his daughter. And I would have done anything to save our marriage. To make him happy. If he just would have tried.
I love him. And I will always love him. But what should i do. Should I call him and tell him I don't want to lose us? And I know he already knows that. He knows thats the type of person i am. Never give up. Or should I walk away now?
Lately he has been getting angry at the idea of me with someone else. He still tries to hug me, and calls me baby when I see him. Does that mean he wants us back.. or is it just residual behavior because we have been together so long?
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 07/20/09 09:39 AM |
Re: my story
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So he has been gone for 6 weeks?
He gets mad at the thought of you with someone else?
Do you suspect infidelity?
I’m not going to BS you here it sounds to me like he simply was not ready to grow up and accept the responsibility of marriage or kids.
This is part of the reason I personally feel the courts should not just hand out marriage licensees.
| dree |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/24/09 04:13 PM |
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Re: my story
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I have to agree with losingfaith. Me and my exhusband got married at a young age, and it turned out he was not ready for marriage. He still wanted to do the whole bachelor thing, but he didn't want me to get away either so he married me. He didn't tell me all this until after we were divorced. When we first got married I truly believed he was as in love with me as I was with him, but now I don't think so. Anyway, I digress, it sounds to me like he doesn't want to accept the responsibility of marriage and kids but he doesn't want to give you up either.
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 07/25/09 09:10 AM |
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Re: my story
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I never said he it sounded like he wanted to give up I was asking what she felt about the situation
But keep in mind just because he doesn’t want to let her go doesn’t mean that he is not looking to have his cake and eat it too
But the only way to come to a solid conclusion so one can get a better view of the whole picture is to ask questions
| danielle16 |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/25/09 03:18 PM |
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Re: my story
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yeah. He never wanted to grow up. He would spend hours building bike jumps in the backyard, instead of fixing up the house. He would spend hours playing video games. It was ok before we had kids, but after, I did expect him to grow up and spend time with his daughter and I instead of elsewhere.. and he did the oposite. I guess I was expecting too much..
And we weren't young when we got married.. I was 26, he was 28. We had been together for 12 years before we got married, lived together, bought our house. 2 dogs. All of which I'm left dealing with.
Do I suspect infedelity.... no. I don't think so. I never saw anything that would make me think that. But he was gone alot.
Is it worth pursueing? Can you change a person like that? I guess not if he doesn't want to change.
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 07/27/09 10:14 AM |
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Re: my story
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Sure. It’s always worth presuming, it's your marriage for gods sake. This isn’t some guy you just fell into bed with he is the father of your child, your husband, and hopefully a man you care deeply about (and I think you do care or you would not be here asking for advice). Let me ask you a question if the roles were reversed and he was considering a divorce would want him to give up on you?
Can he change? Yes he most certainly can. Anyone can for that mater if they truly want to. Don’t dissolution yourself into thinking you can make him change because that will never happen. Ultimately it is going to depend on him and his willingness to do so. Also keep in mind that you will have to make some compromises on your part to make it work. It’s all about finding common ground. I also want to point out that it could very well take several months to see even small improvements but it is possible, but if your expecting over night changes then your kidding yourself. Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Now here is the kicker…
Convincing him that he needs to take action and fix the discord in your marriage is another animal all together. People rarely see how their actions affect someone else until it directly affects them. In short most people don’t normally change without reason too.
I do want to point out that while playing video games may be vied as childish by some it’s no different then having any other hobby, but like any hobby he needs to know when to put it on the back burner, but on the other side of that coin you must be willing to allow him to be who he needs to be. Again it’s all about compromises and finding common ground.
You referred to the fact that he became angry when you would mention having another child. Maybe he is simply not ready for that, or maybe after the first one he realized that parenting simply wasn’t for him, and it’s not fair to hold someone at fault for something they simply are not interested in doing. I hope you don’t take this statement personal but as much as that may not sit well with you, it would be smart in the future to pick your battles rather then simply fighting for arguments sakes or for the fact that you feel you are right. Remember this is a marriage not a solo show and you always have to take into account the fact that while you may like it he isn’t always going to be on board with every decision you may want to make. Yes that does go both ways.
Again reverse the roles here and ask yourself…
How would you feel if he did something like that to you? What if it was something you felt so strongly about and your spouse kept bring it up. Would it not anger you? Now before you jump to an answer keep in mind that not only do you feel strongly about it but consider the fact that you are being put on the spot over and over. After a while it kind of feels like you’re on trial and that will make anyone go on the defensive.
| danielle16 |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/27/09 08:45 PM |
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Re: my story
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ok.. your right about the second child thing. I did push it. I just thought he was scared and mad and that deep down he really did want another child.
But I think I'm pretty good at compromise. I know thats hard to say about yourself.. but i like video games, and lots of the stuff that he did. And I was ok with it as a hobby. He just did more of it after our daughter was born than before. it became a way for him to escape rather than a hobby. He admitted that at one point.
I don't want to give up on our marriage. I still love my husband. I didn't ask him for a divorce. I didn't give up on him. I begged him to keep trying.. go to counselling, tell me what he needed from me and I'd do it.
He gave up. He said he wasn't happy...and he said he didn't want to try anymore to save our marriage. And I've asked him several times since we've been seperated.. if he wants to go to counselling now.. if he has found happiness in our seperation. And if he changes his mind, to let me know. I can't do anything to save this marriage without him on board.
I wish I knew what to do to get him on board.
| danielle16 |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/06/09 05:44 AM |
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Re: my story
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He decided to go to counselling with me. I don't know why. Only 2 days ago, he told me how it was not going to help and just a waste of time, and he wasn't going to go.
Then, a few hours later, he texts me saying He's coming. I have a feeling he's going for the wrong reasons. The way he changed his mind so quickly, probably means someone told him he should.
But... The appointment is setup for tonight. So I'm happy right now that he is willing to go.
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 08/06/09 07:44 AM |
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Re: my story
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Well even if someone told him to it's still a start and congrats on the good news.
Hang in there and remember it’s not going to be a quick fix.
Counseling is from my experience a lengthy process but if your marriage comes out stronger for it then it will be a worthwhile one.
I will keep the two of you in my prayers…
Best of luck
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 08/06/09 02:32 PM |
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Re: my story
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Oh one last thing you said you did like video games too
Well I don't know if you guys would like it or not but my wife and I picked up rock band not to long ago
My wife and I were both in bands years ago she was a singer and I was a singer/guitar/bass/drum/well I have played a lot of instruments
Anyway I just wanted to say that since we got it we play almost every weekend and I'd be lying if I said we don't have a blast doing activities like this and the grate part about it is you all can take some time to play as a family
Even my 2year old son loves to play the drums
Well he doesn’t play for real we let him bang away on them (unplugged from the console) while we play the songs
lol I wish I could put up a picture of the size of the smile on his face when we do things like this
Finding activates like this that you can not only do together but as a family will help build that foundation that all solid relationships are built on
Best of luck and I’ll keep you in my prayers
| danielle16 |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/07/09 07:35 PM |
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Re: my story
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Thanks so much for your story & support.
He came to counselling. Said he wasn't there to reconcile. He blamed everything on me.
He's angry all the time - but that's my fault. He doesn't know why, there's nothing I do to make him angry.. just being in the same room as him. He spent the last 2 years not being home, not spending any time with his daughter, doing drugs when he was home - but again..my fault - because he was angry - he had to do these things.
He made me out to be this horrible person. I don't let him see his daughter (he sees her 16/28 days/mth). And I should give him more.. even though he's been an absent father for the first 2 years - but that wasn't his fault, it was mine.
It was a ridiculous blame fest. And he has me so beaten down from all the fights, anger, and verbal abuse, that I can't talk when I'm around him. I feel weak and scared to say something to make him more angry. So I just sat there, and cried while he blamed me for everything. And the therapist didn't say anything.
It was horrible.
| danielle16 |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/08/09 10:33 AM |
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Re: my story
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SO I straight out asked him today if there was any hope for us. And he said he no. Well he said he didn't think so.
i guess now I know where we stand
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 08/10/09 04:26 PM |
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Re: my story
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well that doesn't mean no did he give you reasons why?
| danielle16 |
| (recently joined) |
| 08/10/09 05:32 PM |
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Re: my story
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no reason why.. I don't want to mis-interpret him.. it's all done over Text.. so it's hard. So I responded "I guess that means no - I just needed to hear it" - and he didn't respond to me for 2 days.
I asked him today (over text again) why he doesn't respond to me.. and he said he just doesn't know what to say. After a few texts today - he agreed to talk on Sunday after he drops off our daughter. And I have another counselling session scheduled.. for just me.
I don't know whats right or wrong. I want my family back together.. that's whats best for our daughter.. But I'm so scared pushing for him to come back to me.. is just gonna put us back here in a year or two. How do we find happiness that is gonna last?
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 08/11/09 02:55 PM |
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Re: my story
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Quote:
How do we find happiness that is gonna last?
It takes work
Once the luster of any relationship starts to fade the fun is over and the work begins
Having a long term relationship is never easy it takes work on both parts.
Like I said earlier no one person can fix it...
it takes two and a real effort to the commitment of it
I understand you would like to think there is some magic word that will make him wake up to the fact that this is worth fighting for but the thing to keep in mind while that may be true in the eyes of many if he cant see it for him self then you are going to have to accept that.
It’s like telling a virus not to get you sick. It only knows that it is doing what it needs to survive and is unaware of the fact that in it’s attempt to perpetuate it’s species it is in fact affecting others.
Can he be woken up to that fact?
Yes he can but how to make him see that is another story all together.
If you really want it then who am I to tell you any different; but keep in mind you need to look out for your own mental heath when trying to fight for this. You can’t hold on to someone that doesn’t want you to hold on to them.
I guess you will find out Sunday what his intentions are.
My advice is prepare your self for bad news that way in the event it is in fact bad news you don’t fall apart inform of him.
I say that because if it were me I would not give anyone the satisfaction of seeing that.