| lostconfused72 |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/22/09 03:50 PM |
feel like I'm unraveling
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I am not sure what I am suppose to do anymore. I realize this is a divorce forum so I hope it's ok that I am trying to figure out if that's what I want to be doing. I am hoping to get perspectives from those that have gone through it, are going through it, or are thinking about it.
I have been married for 11 years and I don't think I love my husband anymore. The problem is we hae 4 kids and I stay home with them. I am worried about how it will impact them. I am also terrified that I will regret ending my marriage. I feel like my husband could care less about me. We hardly spend any time together, haven't had sex in about 6 months, and honestly the idea just turns my stomach. I am not attracted to him anymore. He really is a good guy, it's not that he treats me badly, or had been unfaithful. He just really doesn't treat me at all. He doesn't hug me or kiss me and never holds my hand. The only time he is ever affectionate is when he is trying to "get lucky". I don't even consider him my friend because I don't really confide in him about anything that's going on with me.
I think if I didn't have my kids to worry about I would have already left. We have been dealing with these problems for years. We talk about it, things get better for a few weeks, then it goes right back to the same old thing. I just think there has to be more to life than this.
At what point is it completely over? I just want to be happy. I don't want to regret leaving, but I also don't want to regret staying down the road.
Any advice, experiences, or help you can provide is greatly appreciated!
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 09/23/09 11:42 AM |
Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Sorry to here about your dilemma and yes; that's a hard place to be.
First I want to say that it is normal in situations like this to contemplate a divorce. We all need to feel like we are in our relationships not just apart of it and even sometimes like an outsider.
You kids will be affected by this but most do well as long as both parents can spend time as the parents, but sadly many don’t seam to understand that. Case in point if the child is going to the park for a field trip and the parents are invited its ok for both to attend and act civil towards one another; but in the vast majority of situations it’s one or the other because they can’t get along for even there children’s sakes.
Some kids will have a bit of resentment towards the situation that is more often then not stemming from separation anxiety and when that is observed I personally feel that the parents should really start to communicate and see if even for a time they can get along and remain doing thing together (ie. setting aside extra time) with that specific child until the transitional point is over come.
I can’t give you a woman’s perspective on this but I can offer some advice.
As far as the lack of attention aspect it happens to many men. I don't think it's intentional we just get comfortable or caught up in the day to day life; and then for some of us it is just pure selfishness. Ultimately we loose sight of what is important to keep our spouses happy and wanting to be in the marriage (ie romance, adventure, relational intimacy, ect, ect…).
As far as the sex thing, again most men believe it should be just given. Not that it is done to be rude but the thing to keep in mind here is that it’s a primal urge. While it ban be controlled it ultimately is what it is. I’m not getting on a religious tangent here but even the bible says that a wise woman will not refuse her husband; but men also need to realize that a women needs to feel comfortable enough to let that guard down so they will be venerable enough to want to have sex. The sad part about this is that even knowing this we still slip up from time to time.
It sounds to me like the flame has gone out but that’s not to say that it can be rekindled. I believe with some hard work from both of you this could be repaired, but the question at this point is how do the two of you feel about this.
Have you discussed the possibility of divorce with your husband?
| lostconfused72 |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/23/09 04:10 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Thank you so much for your reply!! I have discussed everything with my husband. We have had ongoing problems for years. Same problems, efforts are made, things are better for a few weeks, then it goes back to the same thing. He knows we are on a lost shot effort here. I don't want to wake up in 10 years and wish I had gotten out so I could be happy. But I also don't want to wake up in 10 years and regret leaving. At this point I am staying just for the kids sake, which I don't think is necessarily the right answer, especially given he travels all week and is only home on the weekends. I am trying to explore all my options before I make such a huge decision. If it was just me I would have already left but I have my 4 kids to think about. My husband did tell me when we discussed this that he doesn't want to loose me and he's willing to make some changes (which I've heard before) but I am not sure I want to fight anymore. I have tried and tried and tried and held on to any crumb I could get, I just can't decide how much effort I want to put into it again. I'm not mad at him, I think we could be very agreeable towards each other if we do split, but I just am not sure at this moment what it is I want to do. I just want to be happy. To me, it would be easier to make that decision if there was a clear cut reason (infidelity, abuse) but there's just indifference.
I wish I had a crystal ball or a do over button so if I live to regret leaving or staying I could do things differently.
Thank you!!!!!!!
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 09/24/09 03:35 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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lol well a do over button would be a grate thing to have because then you really would have no regrets. Well none that you would have to live with anyway but that’s another story in it’s self.
Being able to see the future would be even better right?
The truth is it wouldn't
lol
Confused yet?
Well let me explain.
See most would think it would be but the thing about the future is that it is unset and can go in any number of directions so just because you could see it doesn't mean it would happen the way you saw it; simply because you would only be seeing only one possible outcome.
Again I’m not getting on a side track here but I would like you to do me a favor if you will.
Keep this in the back of your mind while you read this…
Just because it look like there are only two sides to the coin (the coin = your choices) imagine if you will that you flip that coin enough times and rather then falling on one side or the other...
on this day it lands on it’s edge.
Ok so getting back to the subject at hand.
I have friends that have been divorced and I myself have been in that spot and ultimately I have come to the conclusion that you will have regrets no matter what.
Honestly when it comes to divorce; it seams to be inevitable on all sides.
Let’s talk a little bit about the regrets I mentioned…
Some will say “I regret every moment of it and if I could do it over I would have never gotten involved in the first place”
Some will say “I have regrets because I could have done this or that differently”
Some will say “I didn’t realize I would regret it at that time but I do now”
Like I said, unfortunately regret is a part of it. Keep in mind you don’t have to dwell of regret but we can get to that later.
I’m sure you will have people that will line up around the corner that will tell you “I have never regretted anything I have done in life and would not chance a thing” lol they are in denial. We all have regrets because a mistake in it self is a regret. It is ultimately those mistakes/regrets that make us grow as people, and without them we will never understand what our limits are. Sometimes making a mistake = us finding out something new about our selves so that the next time we find ourselves in that situation we discover we can go even further then we were able to go in the first place.
The first thing I want to point out is that simply by recognizing that you could have regrets no matter what direction you go in, says a lot. It shows that you are wise enough to see that regardless of the decision made something will change in the end based on that decision.
I have to stop here for now. I really want to discuss this further and I promises I will get back to you. I'm just really busy today and as soon as I get home I will finish what I have started...
To be continued
| lostconfused72 |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/24/09 06:39 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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I look forward to your continued story. I have a very easy life. I want for nothing financially. I get to stay at home with my kids. My husband isn't aweful to me, but I just think there has to be more happiness out there. I feel so completely disconnected to him. I have landed on the side of that coin and think, "hey I don't have it so bad, it could be worse". My easy life will come to a screeching halt, I will have to go back to work, and my kids will have a complete change of lifestyle, not just the obvious parents not together. How do I hold to when I feel like I am settling? I totally get your chaos theory. I have never in my life felt like anything is harder than decisions I am trying to make right now. There's good and bad to both sides I guess, I just don't want to choose the wrong side. It isn't just my life it's effects, I have my 4 kids, and even my husband that I am thinking about. I just want more out of life.
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 09/25/09 10:11 AM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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sorry I'll have to finish this later
had an emergency come up and I'm going to a clients office today for a meeting
I truly apologize
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 09/25/09 02:15 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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ok so I was talking about regrets
the point that I was getting at is regrets happen
it's an unfortunate side affect of life
I personally feel that the worst of them comes form the times that we look back and wish we hadn’t made the choice that we did only to find out that it's too late to fix things or that the other person is not willing to try.
I'm regrettably in that spot now
My wife walked out on me because I could not show trust.
Some husband I am right? I can see my mistakes and want to fix them but she will not give me a chance to address them.
But that isn’t to say that she is without fault because on her side she can not forgive, so in that right we are both equally guilty.
There is a bit more to it then just that but this is what is at the heart of it and that lead to arguments (many of them).
But the key here is the fact that even in spite of this, I still love her deeply. you see I have made a choice to love her regardless of my fears or the fact that she can't show forgiveness. I learned this from a book I read. It was recommended to me by the councilor we were seeing. It was called “The Love Dare”. It’s a good book. I have recommended it to many people and honestly if you are open to the experience I personally think it may just help rekindle that flame that has been lost. I'm not saying it's a guaranteed way to fix all of this but it's a start and a start is always worth a try.
Remember their is nothing that is ever lost that ultimately can't be re-found!
Rolling back the clock a bit to one of my former statements...
The reason I mad reference to the 3 sides to every coin is that while it may only look like you have two choices here you really have more then that and I would advice you to truly consider them before giving up. There are ways to address things like this.
A few questions…
Also do the two of you get out ever?
Watch movies, have a romantic dinner, go dancing, shoot pool, or spend any quality time to gather?
Have the two of you tried counseling?
Is he willing to go and address the issues?
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 09/25/09 02:51 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Well first of all I don’t think a say at home mom has it easy regardless of the number of kids. Being with your kids can be a fantastic reward but can also drive someone nuts with out someone around to have an adult conversation with.
I saw first hand how hard it was for my wife especially with out a car. I don’t know about your situation but knew how each of our jobs were hard but ultimately I think that this was more then she could bare and in the end she decided to divorce me anyway even despite the fact that I had almost saved enough to get her that car. Unfortunately she will never know this now because she has left and isn't even seeking to me.
Another thing that was hard on her was the fact that we are both originally form Louisiana but live in Texas and have very few people to hang out with here. Needless to say this made her unhappy and her unhappiness was made even worse because the last couple we did make friends with, ended badly. He (the husband of the other couple) came on to my wife. The sad part is I kind of had a feeling about him from the start but didn’t want to say anything because we were all friends. Needless to say It was a rude awakening for me.
That disconnection you feel will come and go through all relationships especially if the romance and intimacy had faded, but it can be found again if you really want to. You just have to make that choice to do so. Remember some of us will fall in and out of the emotional side of love with our spouses over and over throughout a long term relationship but true love is not an emotion, it is a choice!!
One of the things I dislike about our society is that marriage is intended to be a life long commitment and takes work!! It doesn’t just happen for the vast majority of us, but because everyone just expects it to happen with out an effort; this ultimately leaves many with a feeling of unwillingness to even try…
The divorce rate has spieled out of control.
You asked “How do I hold on when I feel like I am settling?”
Get your husband on board and take control of it. Steer it in a different direction. The house doesn’t get clean by its self, does it?
Your kids don’t just behave, do they?
The answer is no we have to put forth the efforts to make things like that happen.
My question is...
if you have made a choice to put forth the effort to do theses things then why is it so hard to do the same for your marriage?
You said “I just want more out of life.”
So get more!! You mentioned that if this came to an end you would have to go back to work. Why not start there? If the hours will interrupt being home for your kids take a part time job or look into working from home.
If that doesn’t sound like something you would like to do take some dance lessons or something along that line.
I have been depressed the last few weeks after she left and I’m going to give you the same advice a friend gave me a week ago…
There is a whole world outside that door and it’s screaming for your attention!!
Maybe it's time to answer the door!
I truly hope you don't give up on him as my wife has done to me.
Take the dare…
It could change the outcome of everything
| lostconfused72 |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/28/09 01:20 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Thank you so much for giving me both of your perspectives. Especially from a male point of view. I have been fighting and screaming for attention for years. My husband travels 5 days a week, I handle the house, bills, kids, school stuff, I volunteer at lot and I am in the process of starting my master's degree. I have some great friends I get to see (though maybe not often enough), but he walks in the door, barely says hello and heads for the basement to watch tv, work, and play computer games. No projects ever get done around the house and he's emotionally void. He told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but he also doesn't want to make any serious changes to make things work. He tells me "this is who you married". I have been fighting by myself for so long I'm just tired of fighting. I find myself daydreaming about moving, setting up a house for myself and my kids, and enjoying life.. going out with friends, seeing my parents more, the kids having friends around, dinners, dates, finding someone to do the everyday mundane things in life with, like raking leaves in the yard. My husband makes minimal effort to try to work things out. He did actually hug me a couple of times just because without trying to just have sex. I just feel weighed down in this life. I want to smile and I want someone to hold my hand. I want a partner and lover. I want a best friend. I know that most times in life love can be rekindled, but sometimes I think so much damage has been done that it's hard to feel love like that anymore. At what point is it over and you just need to move on? I'm by NO means saying I'm without fault. But my heart just isn't with him anymore. I want this gray fog that surrounds me to lift so I can try to be happy. Right now I truly am staying because of my kids and the financial security, but that's becoming a tiresome weight in itself. I am going to try to find a therapist, if nothing else for myself, and also get The Dare book to see if it changes anything. I'm going into it half-hearted, but I guess that's better than not trying at all....
| lostconfused72 |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/28/09 09:22 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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I think I have finally figured out what the whole of the problem is. I'm am so unbelievably lonely. I am home alone with my kids all week, then I am home alone with someone else in the house on the weekends. I just don't exist. I'm a piece of furniture that gets passed by. He will never understand. Who's to say I will be noticed anymore if I divorce him. I never understood people who cheat. I always thought you should get out before you hurt someone, but I'm starting to understand. I just want to be loved and touched and noticed. And yes I have told him that. All I get is, "you know I'm not that type of person, this is who you married". I don't think it will ever get better. I love being a mom, but sometimes it would be nice to JUST be a wife, a woman. I can't even convey the depths of isolation I feel. I think it's lonelier to be in a house full of people who don't even notice you than to be in an empty house. Will the hurting ever stop???
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 09/29/09 12:16 AM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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You are not a piece of furniture
your a human..
a person...
and a woman
Your wants and needs are no different from any of ours
now I think I'm starting to see the problem
I don't think it's you
it's looking like it's him
for the record cheating doesn't just happen to people that feel like you
some are compelled by it...
so are consumed by it
but I give you my word it's not the answer
it will only lead to more problems and not only problems with him but internally also
sorry it's late I put down more
in the morning
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 09/29/09 06:07 AM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Lostconfused -- I could have written this. I have lived your life and walked in your shoes, albeit not for as long a time but I've been there.
Sadly, my marriage ended close to a year ago. We'll be separated a year on 26 October.
It's difficult when the men we want so desperately to love us in a way that WE need to be loved, can't/won't do it. They seem to believe that the simple act of marrying us is what should completely satisfy us for the rest of our lives while they go their merry way and pay no attention to the fact that as they live their lives the way they choose, their marriage is slowly dying.
My STBX used to say, if I complained about something **well, I married you didn't I?** What a crappy thing to say to someone. He had plenty of time for his friends while I was working and sat in a chair the nights I was off watching hour after endless hour of news. Then when I would go to bed, he'd get interested.....and after all that, I surely wasn't.
This went on for MONTHS..............
Eventually, he left, after much fighting and crying and me begging him to see what he's doing to our relationship -- no, he left because I was a biotch. I'd rather fight than eat. HE never did anything wrong.
We had no children together and our finances had been split about six months into our marriage. He owed me seven thousand dollars which I am in the process of getting back. I was as lonely as you are -- I have only one son still at home the other is in the Marine Corps and stationed in Florida.
He left me while my oldest son was in boot camp -- a bad time for me anyway. For months afterward, he would come around and leave, come around and leave untill I finally fournd the balls to tell him NOT to call me, NOT to come by, NOT to come to my place of employment -- it wasn't until I did that that I had a measure of peace and sanity.
In the end, I wrote hima seven or eight page letter, expressing myself and my opinions about how his actions affected me. It was more closure for myself than anything else -- but he at least doesn't call, etc. thereby putting my emotions in an uproar again. It's easier.
It's lonelier also. I get lonely at times -- I tend to ignore it and it passes. My son at home is 17 and does all the stuff he should be doing at his age. I'm alone at lot, which really doesn't bother me. I have friends, a house to care for, work that needs to be done, I'm an ER nurse at a local hospital -- my life is full.
I understand that you want to do the right thing for your kids but the right thing is for your kids to have happy healthy parents. This isn't a great situation for them. Kids will survice a custodial parent working, mine did. They'll survive you going to school and furthering your education. They'll thrive in an environment that is supportive and loving and be satisfied with what they have.
Will it be harder for you? Yes, for sure it will. Will it be worth it?
Oh GOD, yes.
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 09/29/09 08:55 AM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Sounds like you have a tough decision to make
| BeachBabeRN |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 09/29/09 10:07 AM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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No real decision, losingfaith, that die has been cast.
When he decides to divorce me, I'll sign off on it.
Done. There's nothing left to fight over.
| lostconfused72 |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/29/09 12:06 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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I feel like my road is leading to divorce, but I am trying to look at all my options before that decision. I started counselling today. To say I feel a deep sense of relief is an understatement. I don't have any more answers than I did before I walked into that room, but I now have a path. My mental health is so shot at this point I can't imagine I am a very effective parent. I am just taking on breath at a time and eventually things will be the way they are suppose to be. I think my therapist (which btw, my husband says he doesn't want to go to) is going to be a HUGE source of help. She is pro doing the right thing given all the situations. She will help me work out my inner demons and see what is to become of my marriage. If I walk away, it will be knowing I did everything I could to try to make things work. If I did end up divorced, I would move back down to my hometown. All my support system is there. My kids (and I) would be surrounded by friends and family. The kids would get more support than they have here. They wouldn't have their dad, but he's pretty much abscent anyway. He does spend more time with them than he does with me, but really, that's not saying much. Thank you so much for the support!!
My dad cheated on my mom. I was the one to catch him. I know the emotional turmoil it caused, though my mother stayed. I could not emotionally handle doing that to my husband, but I am starting to understand the loneliness and desire to have someone that feels like you are important. Maybe one day I will have true love, if there is even such a thing.....
| AloneInTheDark |
| (member) |
| 09/29/09 07:31 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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I think you have the same problem my stbx had. Staying at home with nothing to do.
She wanted adult conversation during the day and i couldnt give it. Then she started getting it from lonely divorced/single men in the game we both played while I was working. Maybe you should get you a job and do something so you can not feel like you have to get adult conversation since right now you are not getting enough. Try playing the games with him too. It sounds like his traveling all week and just not being there is making both of you grow distant from each other until you are ready to throw away your marriage to find someone who will be there to provide the attention he cant/wont give. Does he know how serious it is? Mention divorce to him and see how he reacts. Sometimes we men are dense and need sledgehammer to get through to us to see what is going on. Maybe he can change jobs to be home more. Then again, maybe he thinks he wants one too or is just trying to wait out your "bad mood" thinking it will go away in time when you finish your degree and get your own job. If i didnt mix peoples post up with who is getting the degree.
| lostconfused72 |
| (recently joined) |
| 09/29/09 07:59 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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No, it is me getting the degree. Getting a job would be difficult. I do volunteer a great deal at my children's schools, but I still have 2 very young ones. I could put them in day care, but I would feel more guilty about that than the job would do any good.
We have been talking seriously about the situation. He knows I am on the verge of divorce. He says he's willing to try, but this weekend his efforts were less than half hearted to say the least. I got 2 hugs (more than I usually get) but he still sat downstairs all weekend watching football and being on the computer.
I had my first therapy session today. It was enlightening. I just don't know what the future holds yet. I don't think he wants me to divorce him, at least that's what he said, and once I finish my degree I will be getting a job. I go out with friends and I lean on them for comfort, but it's not the same. At what point is it over? When does the fat lady actually sing????
| losingfaith |
| (addict) |
| 10/05/09 02:04 PM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Quote:
When does the fat lady actually sing????
She doesn't have too if you don't want her too
Love comes from inside and if you want to find it with him again then do so instead of making excuses.
Don’t listen to friends
Don’t listen to family
Don’t listen to me if you don’t want to
I don’t want you to think I’m telling you to stay in something that you are not happy in
But I have learned from experience that if you truly want something then you have to make it happen
Like I said nothing happens unless you first put effort into it
get him on board
he said he is not interested in going to counseling but he doesn't want to be divorced
then tell him if he doesn't then you will proceed with the divorce
by doing so you are putting the ball in his court
make him understand that it's time to put up or shut up
don’t do it rudely but make him understand that this is it and if he is not willing to try then that is direction that it will go
Best of luck to you
| ConfusedDadNH |
| (newbie) |
| 11/03/09 11:01 AM |
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Re: feel like I'm unraveling
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Hi Lost and Confused
I was that husband you mentioned. I have together with my wife for over 20 years (I am 38) and married for over half those. I travelled a ton and was rarely home before 7:30pm on the days i didnt travel. I thought that by giving my wife fancy things and taking her to exotic places it would take the place of a partner. I thought that the "opportunity and privilege" of staying home with our kids was enought to fulfill her needs. Boy was I wrong. Here I am know on the brink of divorce with major regrets that I didnt "love, touch and notice" her more over the past 10 years. I cannot point to a time or day when our relationship went south, but it was gradual and slow and took time to get this way. It sounds like you still have strong feelings for him and have intimacy needs that arent being met, the positive news is that a lot of time a man's inability to be intimate is based on our own hang-ups (feeling of failure, past relationships, insecurity etc) and they can be worked out through joint therapy. It dosent matter how you got here, just were you go. If you choose do do nothing than things will get worse and may possibly reach a point of no return for you like they are with my wife. my advice is to do the stuff that makes you feel good about yourself (eg exercise, classes, clubs etc) that make you less reliant on needing his "approval" to feel good about YOU. Lonliness is horrible but only you can be reposnible for finding a way through - this is true even if your husband was a supportive and attentive man. IT will stop hurting but it takes time - start small- do something for yourself that you truely love...a book? a letter to an old friend? a long walk? whatever it is take that first step. The irony is that once you start to feel better about yourself and less needy you will become more attractive to your husband and less of a victim. I know this because I started out just like your husband, but am now just like you as you have described the last post on 9/22. I have no idea where my marraige will end-up but it's not looking good. Maybe your's isnt as far gone as mine. But gain - most importantly - get couples therapy.
Good Luck