suzie71384
(recently joined)
10/20/09 04:08 PM
Trying so hard to save my marriage

Almost two wks ago a stupid incident caused my husband and I to fight and now he's pushing for divorce after being married for 8 months (22nd would have been our 8 month anniv.) and his reason is that he's tired of trying to get his family and I to see eye to eye.

I didn't cheat on him, he didn't cheat on me. Bottom line is he wants a divorce because he's tired of choosing between me and his family.

I've hit rock bottom and have realized that I am willing to do ANYTHING if it will make his family happy and make him happy BUT he's not willing to give me that chance. I feel like we haven't put effort into making this marriage work and now he wants to take the easy road and call it quits.

I don't want to accept this because his reasons for wanting a divorce are so childish and petty! It's driving me nuts trying to figure all this out.


losingfaith
(addict)
10/21/09 01:46 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

A few questions...

How long have the two of you been together including the 8 months of marriage?

Has he left the home?

How is he being put into a situation to choose between you and his family?

What were the situations surrounding the two of you being married?
(Meaning was it because of an unplanned pregnancy or was this something that the two of you have been talking about for sometime now.)

You have left a good bit of the story blank and that makes it hard to offer advice.


suzie71384
(recently joined)
10/21/09 03:00 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

We've been together for 3 years before the wedding.
Yes he has left and moved back in with his parents.

They'll tell him things like "come to dinner but don't bring your wife." "come to your uncles bbq but dont bring Suzie" "come to your sisters wedding but if you're going to bring Suzie don't bother coming at all" and the answer to all of these from him to them: OK. we've actually had fights over this and his inability to stand up to them and say this is my wife now respect her!

His family wasn't at our wedding. I couldn't stand being with his family anymore so I suggested we take a month break (this was before the wedding) and he begged & begged and said screw you guys to his family and suggested we elope. it was his idea to get married without his family's blessing and i wasn't going to stop him because i had my own family to deal with!

His sister thinks everything I do is just to spite her when reality, I'm living my own life, I'm just being me! I mean no harm to anybody.

We had been talking about marriage before we got engaged (july 08) but his family made him promise (behind my back) that he wouldnt get married before his little sister. When I found out later that they had this conversation with him without me (his fiancee) I was so upset. All the while here I am planning a wedding and his sister & parents would get upset that I was planning a wedding. Nevermind that I never knew of the "promise" they all were holding against my husband.

Now I'm trying desperately to make things better, please them just to stay together but I keep coming up a wall.


losingfaith
(addict)
10/22/09 02:05 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Well the first thing I can tell you is if you want to love the one your with you must also at the very least respect the ones that he loves

What are the reasons they dislike you?
Iím sure something must have been done or was it you who first disliked them.

To start a war with your spouseís family can be one of the fastest ways to turn your spouse against you. See the thing to keep in mind here is that you are an outsider and you are not just going to be accepted you must first earn their trust. Even if you have never done anything wrong.

I understand your position all too well as I'm dealing with their very issue and it's not an easy one but you need to find a way to become friends with them or you will more then likely loose him.

My advice isÖ
Give them some time. (a few weeks)

Offer and apology. (Even if you really didn't do anything or if they don't deserve one. Just be the bigger person.)

Make the apology sincere

Something like thisÖ

"Iím sorry you donít want me to be apart of things but I would like all of you to know that I truly do want to be apart of this family. I love your son deeply and only want to be the best wife I can to him and I understand none of you really know this, so this is why Iím telling all of you. I hope all of you can accept my apology thank you for your time..."

Remember keep it short, simple and donít try explaining anything.
When they are ready to accept this apology, then they will be receptive to hearing your side and your explanation. Honestly they may never offer you the chance too do so and if they donít you have to be ready to accept that.

Remember donít get upset over people that are so thickheaded that they will never get itÖ
Not now not tomorrow, not ever.

The thing to keep in mind is that while some of them may let down their guard and some may not, and even if none of them do donít get upset about it. Simply grin and bare it.
If you let them and your emotions get the best of you; you are allowing them to win


losingfaith
(addict)
10/22/09 04:46 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

....
oops
sorry re-post

lol


pokey
(Pooh-Bah)
10/23/09 09:50 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I feel like your family is your family but when you get married then you have a whole new family that comes first.

I worry about my wife and kids before I did my other family, but that's just me.

My mom tried the same thing and causing trouble and I haven't talk to her since. I won't until she says she's sorry for all the trouble she has caused.

that's just me however. my wife and kids come first. My family should respect whoever I'm with out of respect for me


losingfaith
(addict)
10/23/09 11:45 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Don't get me wrong I agree with that myself 100%
If my family were to interfere with my marriage I would cut off contact

Not completely but not to the point that I would allow them to do this

I also agree with you 100% on the fact that your wife and kids are now your new family and that you mother, father brothers and sisters are not your extended family

and I'm not saying that is what he should do
but she was asking for advice on how to resolve this problem so I offered her my best advice

I'm not saying this will fix things but it might help


losingfaith
(addict)
10/23/09 12:53 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

And this did happen to me in the past

During my first marriage my mom lived less then 5 miles from us and I played in a band so on nights when I would have a gig my ex-wife would come to the shows. She would call my mother to baby-sit.

Our little girl had issues with her weight and was sick often and would be place on no sugar diets and things of that nature. My ex-wife would inform her that she was not to give her any sweets and because of her being sick she was not to go outside. But yet when we would get home she would be given cake or cookies and she was allowed to go outside. (we were informed this by our neighbor) this would make both of us angry but then I would say well she is her grandmother.

So we spotted getting her to baby-sit but we still allowed her to come over and I guess she resented the fact that we didnít want her to baby-sit and because of that she would start crap with my ex-wife. Ultimately this would cause huge arguments between my wife and I and she told me that she didnít want my mother over at the house anymore.

I felt stuck between two women that I cared deeply for but I know in the back of my mind that even my mother told me when I was young that when you get married you stick by your wife unless she was doing something to physically hurt me or someone else or she was doing something illegal

lol
The funny thing is she did do things to physically hurt me but it never bothered me because she was so small it really didnít hurt. So, in the end I put my foot down and told her she was not allowed over anymore until she was able to both kept it to herself and apologies for what was done.

The saddest part about it was, my own mother taught me from a young age that if you canít say anything nice then donít say anything al all but yet she did that very thing herself.

hmmm


I guess some of us have the stones to steep up to the plate and do the right thing and some of us are cowards


suzie71384
(recently joined)
10/23/09 06:04 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I can honestly say that I have never done anything bad intentionally to his family. Honestly.

I believe there was a lot, A LOT, of miscommunication between my husband and his parents and that miscommunication was blamed on me from his parents.

For instance, I was living with my cousin for 6 months after I graduated college and moved back into the Valley. Well, when I told my then boyfriend (now husband soon to be ex) that I was looking for my own place he said he didn't want me living alone, I said fine I'd get a roommate. He said he didn't want me living with anyone else SO: he invited himself to move in with me. I didn't want to live with him, I urged him to reconsider. His father is a Pastor and I know for a fact that everyone would talk behind our back. Instead of him approaching his parents that it was HIM, and only him, who wanted to move out and in with me, he told them I was afraid to live alone and I was giving him an ultimatum to move in with me or we end things. That's when the trouble started. Everything he did after that, in his parents eyes it seemed like I was forcing him with my "threats" but really I wasn't forcing anybody to do anything!

His family has always compared me to his ex-girlfriend and I felt that wasn't fair to me because from what I heard, she was a horrible person. They were afraid I would do the same thing to him that she did to him. So they had reservations about me even before they knew who I was.

They felt I was too educated for him, I would make more money and leave him, they would judge me for wanting to pursue more schooling.

About the giving them time and then apologizing? I DID. I swallowed my pride a few months after our wedding and called his mother to apologize and she said this to me: We don't want your apology right now, a month before our daughters wedding, you will apologize when we tell you we want you to apologize. If we forgive you now, we would feel obligated to inviting you to the wedding." Here I call her to make things right, to apologize for things I didn't feel (still don't feel) I should be sorry for and I listen for 20 mins her chewing me out about ruining their sons life.


losingfaith
(addict)
10/25/09 02:38 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

This is just an asumption and I could be way off the mark here but
Sounds like he wants out and is playing his fam against you to be used as an excuse
maybe you did play a part in him rushing into this or maybe he is waking up to the fact that he realy wasn't ready for it
it could be so many things

or maybe you should just take this for what it is
if you truly want to save this then wait and see how it all plays out
or ask yourself the realy had question
do you realy want to be with some one that isn't willing to put you and his life first
and one thing to keep in mind is...
One day you may have kids involved and that is somethin you need to add into this also

honestly this is a hard one for me because my wife is doing something like this to me

this is why we should not rush into things like this
the bells should have been going off when he moved in with you and it was causing problems

but I allso understand that when you love someone you don't think about things like this but that's not to say you shouldn't have

at 36 if life has taught me anything it's this...
You need to stay true tou yourself and if it looks like someone is truly not right for you then it should end then not after you get maried
unless you are willing to reduce yourself inorder to make them happy

but then again some say that that is true love
when one is willing to forgo their own needs to make another happy

I wish I had an easy answer but it would seam there are no easy answers to problems like this


pokey
(Pooh-Bah)
10/26/09 12:13 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I've tried everything I can think of to save mine and nothing works if the other person doesn't want to.

I've tried begging,crying,guilt,logic and going to counsueling. She just don't want to work at it. I asked her to go to counsueling with the kids and me, but she says there's no way she's going and there is nothing wrong with her.

From what she tells me the only reason she left was because she can't get a long with my son from first marraige.

She says that we're good, that I'm a good husband and father she just can't live with my son. It just happens that they both moved out on the same weekend.

I told her that if she want's a divorce then at least I can now go to sleep at night knowing that I did everything and I mean everything that I can do to make it work.

Sometimes I think by the way she talks to me that she is haveing second thoughts but don't know how to get out of it now. But I've given her every chance I told when she filed I didn't want it. I told her when she gave me the papers that I wish we could work it out. All she keeps saying is it's too late. Well at least I know that I did everything.


DeeCan
(veteran)
10/26/09 02:10 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Suzie, my husband's family sounds a lot like your husband's family. Except our issues arise out of my husband's ex being married to his brother (basically, she's our SIL).

My husband gave his parents one chance to get over their shyt. They didn't, he walked away from them.

That is what a man does. When his parents are in the wrong, he severs the ties. If they realize the error of their ways, he can make amends.

A man who continues to give into his parents hasn't cut the apron strings, isn't much of a man and is NOT someone you want for the rest of you life unless you want to battle it the rest of your life.

Cut your losses and run....NOW!


losingfaith
(addict)
10/26/09 03:15 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I agree with you DeeCan but I think that goes both ways, women need to steep up to that plate and play ball by the same rules
To many times someone be it the man or the woman in a marriage allows something or someone else to control the outcome of their marriage. Either through interference from someone else or cheating but how ever it happens they are allowing someone or something to luring their heart away from the marriage. Honestly thatís the sickest thing I have come to understand about marriage. I will never understand how someone can allow something like this to happen.

If they owned something lets say a new car or their kids for that matter they wouldnít allow someone to scratch it or hurt their kids. I bet they would defend them and that like a mother mountain lion protecting its cubís.
I guess the real question isÖ
Why canít people do the same for their marriageÖ
Does it not hold the same value?

And so it would seam my screen name will always read losing faith


suzie71384
(recently joined)
10/27/09 12:00 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Pokey, I agree with you and I'm at that phase now. I've accepted that he wants this divorce and at least I know that I have tried and am still trying very hard to "work it out", not give in to calling it quits so quickly. He knows that I will change if he decides to give us one more chance and he knows his family WONT change and I believe he's afraid to see that happen so that's why he keeps pushing me away. It's easier for him to push me away than to push his family away.

Come on what kind of grounds for divorce is "well she doesn't respect my parents & my sister". I was talking to him on the phone the other night and he was with his father and I said please tell him hi for me, he did and his father's response was "she should have thought about saying hello a long time ago. it's too late now." THIS coming from a PASTOR. This is exactly what I've been dealing with for years, I do my best to be nice and show respect but they always come back at me with these rude comments and I feel sooooo rejected afterwards! Why would I continue to show my respect if I know they don't appreciate it for what it is, a sincere gesture! I ordered a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day for his mother (nevermind that I hadn't seen her in months because they wouldn't come to our home and they wouldn't invite me to their home), well she calls me a few days later and says "thank you." then continues to chew me out about what a disrespectful person I am for not going to church with them, for not letting their son go to family events without me, for making their son miserable (I don't know where she gets this from). I felt so hurt that here out of the goodness of my heart I send her flowers without my husband knowing because I wanted to do it from me not from "us" and she used it as an excuse to make me feel bad.

DeeCan, thank you. You said everything my friends/family are telling me but still I feel like at the end of the day it's MY decision and if I choose to work things out with him, I should feel free to. I hate having the pressure from everyone that why should you work it out, look what he did to you, humiliated you several times and yet you still choose to go back to him. For me it's not about "going back to him", it's about fighting for marriage. What he did 2 wks ago (the most degrading thing you can do to a woman, my god) is enough to have any woman pack and leave but I can't do that. I believe in forgiveness, I don't believe in holding grudges, I believe all of this will make us stronger as a couple. I just need him to realize that.


losingfaith
(addict)
10/27/09 02:39 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I agree and applaud you for the fact that you want to save this but the sad part is that if he is not willing then you are fighting a lonely battle

I'm doing the same thing my wife has filed for divorce and I don't want her to give up but she seams set on it because of the influence of her friends and family

I'm not going to go into all the messy stuff because it's a long story but marriage was meant to last but at the same time (like I said in an earlier post) it sounds like he wants out

Itís like what they said in a book I recently readÖ
Unconditional love is eagerly promised at weddings but rarely practiced in the home and as a result romantic hopes are often crushed.

When most people promises for better or worst they normally only mean for the better because the worst means they actually have to put effort into it

I do hope your husband doesnít give up.


suzie71384
(recently joined)
10/29/09 11:45 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Thank you. I hope so too.

Just to give you an update, we've been talking, we're on friendly terms and I think I might be looking too much into this "friendliness" because he's always reminding me "hey just because I'm being nice doesn't mean I want to get back together."

We had dinner the other night for the first time since the breakup and when his parents called him to see how late he was going to be out, he told them he was at his buddies house. He didn't want them to know he was with me.

God forbid he should tell his family he's seeing me and they should think it's good that we should at least, at the very least, TRY to save our marriage.

I can't force him to go to counseling but how can I convince him that fine even though in his eyes we're over, we still might benefit from the counseling. Maybe it'll save us, maybe it won't but we'll never know because he doesn't want to try.

I'm having a hard time accepting that. I've been keeping myself very busy with friends and work just so I don't dwell on how much I'm losing control of all this.

I also don't appreciate being his dirty little secret, maybe he's afraid of his parents lol I've always thought that because anything he's told them he's going to do, they would put him down making him insecure and he would take it out on me with arguments. Of course he would be afraid to tell them anything!


pokey
(Pooh-Bah)
10/29/09 01:43 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Quote:

When most people promises for better or worst they normally only mean for the better because the worst means they actually have to put effort into it

I do hope your husband doesnít give up.




I just told my wife something like that last weekend. I told her that I beleived her about richer or pourer even sickness and health. but the better or worst ment only the better. when the time got hard she just packed up and ran.


losingfaith
(addict)
10/29/09 02:20 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Ok thatís good that the two of you are talking
Donít push anything
you have to let him see this for himself

donít make the mistake that I made
if you push you will more then likely push in the wrong direction


Quote:



We had dinner the other night for the first time since the breakup and when his parents called him to see how late he was going to be out, he told them he was at his buddies house. He didn't want them to know he was with me.

God forbid he should tell his family he's seeing me and they should think it's good that we should at least, at the very least, TRY to save our marriage.






This says a lot as to how he feels
Take it for face value
Sometimes itís not what they say itís what they donít say



Quote:



I can't force him to go to counseling but how can I convince him






Honestly you can try telling him the same thing you just said right here

But the truth be toldÖ
He has to want to go for him or else it will all be for not


suzie71384
(recently joined)
11/02/09 11:22 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

He's saying he wants to be friends with me but still wants to go through with the divorce.

What does he mean? I hate it when MEN say this because from my experience it means hey I'll talk to you on the side but won't be seen in public with you. WTF??


losingfaith
(addict)
11/02/09 02:13 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

It means you should probably prepare for a divorce
Donít make your self available to him in the aspect of sex anymore.
That would be the first thing I would do


losingfaith
(addict)
11/03/09 04:03 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Sex will only lead to more emotional attachment and confusion in your head/heart and will only end up making things harder for you in the long run especial if this is in fact what he wants.

I honestly canít tell you what is in his head, but like I said you should prepare yourself for the worst at this point based on the things he said.
You can only take things for face values at this point.

Do you know if he has filed yet? Have you been served?


myheart
(enthusiast)
11/04/09 12:37 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I haven't checked this post thiking I am beyound saving marriage, so why bother to check this out. It is kind sad to see it doesn't matter what culture youare from, sometimes end results are same. SO my mother in-law was a center of breaking our marriage, she didn't live 5 miles away, she lived with us.

But I think my stbx used her and mine situation to be out of marriage. He said since his mom and i have some issues, he thinks he needs ot live with her separately and we need to sell our house or if I chose to live there, then after he moves out I should be paying for the mortgage, so basically he forced me to sell the house.

Then he said, lets live seaprately and keep the relationship, like your husband is doing and lets meet on weekends.

I told me very clearly, once we move to our own path, marriage is over, you don't sell your home break the family then claim to have relatioship. You made the biggest crime first, then why expect a reward in the end, nope.

Oh it hurt me so much, he chose mommy over me, he chose to break us, but couldn't understand my situation with her.

It is sad but that is reality, we all make our choices and we all have to live that. But don't ever lower yourself for his benefit. Marriage is biggest commitment, when he is not up to it, don't become his toy in the process.


suzie71384
(recently joined)
11/04/09 06:33 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Losingfaith... no he hasn't file yet. Today I feel like I've gotten to the point that I'm getting a little tired of begging and pleading for/after him. Deep down I feel like he's putting on this show to see how low I can get for him. I am preparing for the worst though, emotionally I'm stable now than a few wks ago.

I just wish he wasn't distancing himself deliberatly from me. He's listening to a lot of depressing and heartbreak songs, and he keeps thinking about the few bad incidents we've been through. And yet here I've gotten over all of those and I'm wanting to move forward with him. But I know that'll never happen because his mother doesn't let anything go. She beats it to death even years after it's been over. I can imagine what he's going through under their roof right now!

Myheart, I know exactly what you mean by "it hurt me so much, he chose mommy over me, he chose to break us, but couldn't understand my situation with her." They really DON'T understand the relationship btwn the mother-in-law & daughter-in-law. And it's so much easier for them to choose their mother's. I don't know about you but I have NEVER put him in the position to choose btwn me and his family. THEY on the other hand have and he's always chosen me but in the end he couldn't take the emotional abuse they were feeding him and so to get rid of that treatment from them, he had to cut me out of his life. Makes sense right?

I'm starting to see that maybe he wasn't ready for the marriage commitment, while I was and still am.


losingfaith
(addict)
11/04/09 10:15 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Ok I want you to know first of all I'm right there with you on this
my wife is doing the same thing taking advice from all the wrong people
But the one thing I'm coming to understand is that you can't push
if you do you will mor then likely push in the wrong dirrection


myheart
(enthusiast)
11/04/09 10:46 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I didn;t make him take side or even chose between us, I didn't even ask him to send her somewhere though he has more siblings locally, who don't want her. I just wanted him to understand me and our situation. I was naive, I thought as a married couple we need to understand each other.

Anyway, I begged first, but when I saw he is not going ot change his mind, I didn't lower myself, really found a place on my own and moved out as soon as house was sold.

I asked him to see the plac,e but he refused saying he doesn't have time, you know what a cold hearted and selfish person, who made decision to break a marriage, just becuase he didn't want to work, truly, didn't even care when he is going wiht mommy and takign care of her, didn't care where is wife is going to live, sorry, I am truly glad today after many months that I didn't beg more, or promised him that i will do everything he wanted, will keep mommy happy like my own mom, that I love you, i can't throw everything out, what we have.

He was so mean said oh so you want house, I said go and burn it down, when there is no respect to a marriage, house is jsut a building, nothing more than that.

Dear it hurts, still does when I think about the things he did the way he did with such a heartless way.

But I have never ever let him know once we moved away that I missed him, I try to move on with my daily work, kids, friends etc...

You truly don't want him, if he is not committed, otherwise you will lose yourself somewhere, like I did to keep the marriage going, and you will hate yourself in the end, becuase whoever wants to leave will leave sooner or later. He will find some or other reason to do so.


suzie71384
(recently joined)
11/05/09 02:27 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

myheart... reading your post made me feel like i wrote it myself! he is being very cold with me, telling me he doesnt care that i have a migraine & didnt answer his call, telling me he doesnt care that my car lease is ending and i have to get another car, doesn't care that i have a relative dying.

I should share with ya'll what happened tonight. I should've read your posts BEFORE I did this... He called me sounding very upset over the rent (this is the first month I'm paying alone and I gave it a little late) and he was blowing up over it! I couldn't get over how much his yelling was hurting me, I didn't do anything intentionally! Since he's more understand when we're face-to-face, I decided to drive out to this parents house!

I parked outside, called him on his cell, no answer, I lost count how many times I called, I called his moms phone, no answer. When he did finally answer, I told him I didn't mean any harm, I don't want to fight but please come outside so we can talk. He really started to get mad because I had driven out there, and the worst part was I waited out there for an hour and a half, he stopped answering his phone, his parents turned off all the lights to the house as if to say "you're not welcome here" and he had a restriction notice put on his phone from accepting certain incoming calls, ie mine!

I don't know why I waited outside so long but I felt like I had to do to show myself that this is not the family I want to be with. My parents would NEVER, no matter how much they hated someone, make them sit outside and not invite them in to talk. I made it clear that I was there to talk and not fight. There was the stupid misunderstanding over the rent, so minut, and here he was blowing it out of proportion. I wanted so desperately to explain myself!

After a while, I gave up and went back home. I couldn't believe their behavior, his dad's a Pastor for crying out loud and yet they have no warmth in their hearts!

They forgot it was their son who spit in my face 3 wks ago at their family event, not the other way around. Yet I'm the villain.


losingfaith
(addict)
11/05/09 02:34 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

First thing I would like for you to do is stop contacting him or them.
They don't want contact with you and they have made that clear. It doesn't matter if you feel they should because the LAW is clear and cut on this
If they donít want to speak to you if you keep this up they will file a restraining order and you will be made to look like a crazy woman...
Is that what you want?

Stop pushing the issue!!!
You are only going to make matters worse!!!


suzie71384
(recently joined)
11/05/09 04:26 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Yeah I totally agree. And no I don't want them to make me look like the crazy one because I'm not. And I know that's what they want. They want me to do something stupid so they can say "see we told you so".

It's gotten to the point of no return. ANYTHING I do at this point is the wrong thing so I'm just going to do NOTHING.

I don't even feel angry anymore. I feel nothing.


myheart
(enthusiast)
11/05/09 05:53 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I know, as women we want to clear things up, want to make sure they understand we really didn't do intentionally, or we are good people, we are the one they loved.

But what I found out in a harder way, same man who chase me like crazy, forced me to marry him, wanted show off me to his rich friends and family as a trophy, suddenly was the one who was insulting me, showed every which way I don't care.

So I learned from the master. Now I am showing his own behaviour, I don't care, even I told him, any communication he needs to do with me should be to the point, to reduce any more communication.

I have become so immune ot his yelling, that when he tried last time, I was smiling on the other side of the phone, thinking yaaaaa, you truly don't know how to talk peroperly.

We all have our short comings. None of us are perfect. But again, if you value yourself as an human being, please don't do the following, whether he comes back or not:

Don't devalue your self.
DOn't call him or try to contact him.
Don't ask about him from anybody.

Join an hobby which you were not able to do while he was around.

Think about your life, like he is not going to be there.

Guess what it will heart, it will, but get hurt once, and grieve it to death, and just be done with that.

Getting hurt everyday is not acceptable.


losingfaith
(addict)
11/06/09 12:13 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

lol My heart all you are doing is fooling yourself playing a game
I'm not saying you don't make good points but you can love someone and still walk away
it doesn't make you any less of who or what you are

suz it's ok that you love this man but advice like this (faking how you feel) in the end it will only make you bitter because it will not be real and the sad part about that is you will only drag that bagage into the next relationship

just figure out a way to let him go honstly don't play games because if you you will live a lie and one thing I can tell you about a lie is you will only end up loosing yourself in that lie

lies are for cowards
don't lower yourself


myheart
(enthusiast)
11/06/09 09:36 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

You canot stop loving somebody you loved for so long, it is our second nature to do that. But we can't fool ourself forever in the name of love, if somebody is treating us like doormate, and doesn't return same, nope.

You can say well you must have done something for him to behave this way. Well no, becuase we all know life is full of challanges, marriage is about facing them together as our challanges. Though during intial phase of love one may think well I can do anything, but when challange hit somehow not everybody is ready for it. We all come with different skillset.

So I was for the challange, and he wasn't he kept saying well at my age, I need very predictable, issue free life. I said how can you have predictable life, when we have chidlren, things do change from morning till night. If I didn't share things what happened since I knew he didn't like to hear, then it was I was hiding, if I told him then it is too much to handle, and everything like how come I can't handle it on my own etc...

SO there is no win situation. Even after that even today I care about him, I still try to understand his point of view, I still think well he didn't know how to handle challanges so he left. But then bigger question comes, how will we know in the future somebody is ready for marriage. Marriage is not about fun fun and happy happy, singing moment every day every second. It is lots of work, right.And at the end of day, we all are together is biggest reward, right...

We all have to make a choice how are we going to see our future life,

either cry our eyes out for the person who left us, by showing every which way he/she doesn't care.
or
Move on with our life with head high, only way I am able to do that keeping minimum contact with him and by reducing the impact of his behaviour on my mind and heart.

He was my weakness, even when he was yelling constantly, becuase that became norm for me and keeping contact with him in any shape and form makes me weak, and I refused to become weak, because I have to work and take care of me and chidlren and he is not there to back me up.

What choices can you have.

I go through my ups and down, but I am doing with dignity, not depending on anybody for anything.


losingfaith
(addict)
11/07/09 12:27 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Yes you are right marriage is work and both should be willing to work at it
if not it will never work

but when my first wife and I split up I could have lied to her and said nope I didn't feel anything but I personly think it realy hurt when I looked her in the eyes and said I love you with all of my heart but you had sex with another man and because of that I can never be with you again

she will allways have to live with the fact that she had someone that truly loved her but because of her actions she can never have that again


myheart
(enthusiast)
11/07/09 02:00 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I understand that losingfaith. I did the same thing, I told my husband, I love you too much, please call each other once a day when we were splitting, to see everything is going fine. Even though he didn't care ot know where do I live, I still thought he was hurting with us moving to our separate paths, I called him everyday to make sure he is doing fine. Guess what he was OK with that while he was settling in and trying to find he got everything, nothing is missing. As soon as he found everthing, which took 5 days, he told me,lets not talk anymore, because he needs to heal, if we need to take care of leftover business we can communicate through emails. That is the last time I talked to him.

Selfishness was spread everywhere. I poured my heart out, he knew I loved him too much, that I couldn't live without him, at least at that point, yes I thought i will die without him, here this man who I loved, who loved me, left me totally abondoned.

What can I do but take a different route to survive. It is all about surving a betrayal. I am truly doing best I can.

Today I am so mad at myself to fall in with a man, who was so selfish and always cared about what did he want, didn't have empathy at all.

I feel what a waste, I gave my heart, my peace, my money, my soul to such a person.


suzie71384
(recently joined)
11/18/09 06:34 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I'm sorry I didn't get back to this sooner.... nothing productive has occurred since the last time I spoke with him, which was well over 2 wks ago. Wow time flies, I had no idea it had been that long. I honestly didn't think I could go that long without a tiny bit of communication!

myheart...I agree with you wholeheartedly with everything you said and understand what you mean about taking a different route to survive. We gotta do what works for us, no matter how that's perceived by someone else! All this time I was carrying myself like 'oh well I want to keep the window open a little for the off chance that we might reconcile someday'... YEA RIGHT! All the nice things I offered to do (while all he did was be cruel) was for nothing and when I realized it was all for nothing, I stopped. I didn't give a rats a$$ anymore, why should I be my awesome self for someone I know 100% does NOT appreciate it! I figured, he was nice to me for about 2 wks, gave me the illusion we were "fixing" something by being sweet to me, taking me out on cute dates like we used to go on ONLY to get me to sign the papers quietly, without demanding anything I know is rightfully mine and without involving attorney's because this would cost him money.

You wanna talk about being selfish? My soon-to-be-ex-husband would have a [censored] fit about writing my name first on a bday card or invitation we were sending out...he said "why does your name go first?" or whenever we'd get an invite and it had my name first, he'd want to know why!! WHO DOES THAT? when I was picking out our wedding bands he actually requested diamonds on his ring! I teased him about wanting a tiara too for him to wear.

I gave, I gave, I gave and it was all: FOR NOTHING. His family never appreciated me, he never appreciated me or the things I did because if they did... they wouldn't be trying so hard since the day we got married to tear us apart.

I say: GOOD RIDDENS! GOOD BYE AND GOOD LUCK!

It hurts yes, it hella hurts because to me it's still fresh, it's only been a little over a month, but if I have to swallow that hurt and pretend like it doesn't exist just so I can function on a daily basis and be able to work... then I will pretend like he never existed to me.

I HAVE to pretend like I NEVER loved him, he is a stranger to me right now and that's the only way I can move forward and stay sane.


losingfaith
(addict)
11/18/09 09:42 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I was wondering what happened with your situation
Well if that is what you have to do then by all means do it
I'm glad you came back and I'm glad things are getting better for you


suzie71384
(recently joined)
11/19/09 02:59 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Is there an "angry" stage to this divorce business? Because I'm pretty sure I've hit that phase now.

All the memories...the good/bad/ugly... piss me off!!!

Is this normal?


losingfaith
(addict)
11/19/09 03:31 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

yeah
you are going to experience a lot of different things
my advice is prepare yourself
some deal with it worse then others
but you will get through it just try not to loose yourself in the process


myheart
(enthusiast)
11/20/09 12:47 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

I keep finding myslef saying something about him, which is common with many others who left us behind, even small silly habbits.

1. So just as a side note, stbx hated that my last name was different than his, I kept my last name same as my kids, which is my maiden last name, but his as middle name to make him happy. He wasn't happy about it, whenever we got invitation cards, he would make very saracastic remarks about it. Many times I felt he actually hated it, when we talked about my last name before we got married, and he agreed to it.

2.If people call and leave an invitation in my name and asking to invite whole family, he used to hate it, why people call you, when at the same time his family called him and extended the invitation to whole family, I never expected a separate invitation. I had to tell people to call him and invite him separately, which they found strange.
3. He took me for dates before he left, trying to be my best freind and lover, so I will not make noise about him leaving. When I asked/begged him everything is so good between us now why are you leaving, he got very mad, just becuase we are good doesn't mean I am going to stay, I am leaving no matter what, then I told him that is it, I don't want to be fool by your behaviour. I basically broke myself away from him and prepared for our move.

I truly beleive he has very low self esteem, and is very inscured, who needs whole worlds visible accepatance so he can feel better. He would say how come you freinds don't call me, he totally forgot he hasnot been freindly with them, when they come, we hardly invited them anymore, when his friends used to come all the time.

Sorry, yes anger is one of the phase, and this phase may help you little bit to move forward. I guess last phase is depression, then comes realization. I am in depression phase right now, and I have surrounded myself with my girl freinds, which is truly helping me..

And we go through these cyle many times, until the effect goes away.
Don't be alone, and talk and get things out of your system...


losingfaith
(addict)
11/20/09 07:49 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Quote:


I kept my last name same as my kids, which is my maiden last name, but his as middle name to make him happy. He wasn't happy about it, whenever we got invitation cards, he would make very saracastic remarks about it. Many times I felt he actually hated it, when we talked about my last name before we got married, and he agreed to it.





nothing personal but I would never get married to a woman that would not take my last name it's almost like saying I'm your wife but not really... (Itís like your only half in the marriage)
and I would be dammed if my kids would not have my last name
that's harsh Myheart
as you have told this story it has become apparent why your ex is cold and distant

I don't know maybe thatís just me but to not change your name makes the statement to me that you have one foot out the door already

Then you said he picked his mother over you
Iím sorry but if his mother was sick and he wanted to take care of her how is that a bad thing. I mean, this is the woman that gave birth to him. If you mother was sick and you went to take care of her would you not expect understanding form him.

Iím in no way saying he treated you badly but this sounds like my situation on many levels.

My mother has a stroke and I have to put out money to help her and instead of my wife being understanding about it she in turns become even more selfish and says ďSo! I guess this means I canít get a new carĒ I looked at her and said ďwhat is the mater with you my mother is sick and you had a car that you decided to sell to the junkyard before you left the state, and had you not done that you would still have a car.Ē

See she sold the car when she left the state thinking they would not geographically restrict her to Houston, TX but they did and now her aunt had to buy her the car that she is driving.

The point that Iím getting at here is that if you truly love some one you bend for them and they bend for you (no this is not directed at anyone in particular Iím just saying this in a general way)

If you donít have a healthy give and takeÖ
Then you are DOOOOOOOMING your marriage!!!!


losingfaith
(addict)
11/20/09 08:06 AM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

oh and suzie71384
don't let yourself get lost in the anger of a divorce
if you do it will make you a very bitter person


myheart
(enthusiast)
11/20/09 09:37 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

You are right losingfaith, you don't really know me and my story. As I said there were some valid reason for me to keep my maiden last name, he and I discussed it at lenght, and we both agreed that it is best for the sake of children. People always call me Mrs. his last name, freinds actually didn't know my official name.

It was for more children than me, and he knew that, he shouldn't have gone with the marriage if he was going to have issue with it. I didn't have choice for some valid reason then keep it that way.

I am honest person and I don't like ot keep anybody in dark. I wasn't desparate to marry him.

His mom is very good health, thank god, she looks 20 years younger than her age. No it was more and none of his siblings wanted to take her in, he felt he was stuck with her. And I agree we shouldn't put our parents in homes, when they have children to take care of them and I was with him to help out, but as you know becuase of generatio gap, there will be some issue between daughter in-laws and mom in-laws and sons shoul understand not taking sides and make major decision based on that. I helped her like my own mom, helped him whenever they were sick, never thought about my health. So I gave too much of myself to them and I do feel used, they sucked life out of me, now many times I feel I have nothing left for me....

I was his true partner for good or bad. But again it doesn't matter, right....

You can have name but you can betray your partner like crazy, which is better... But well, being good and supportinve didn't help right...

All the friends and family who saw what I was doing for him and had same thing to say, what will ho do once mom is gone.

Well he is right, I am young I can take care of me and children, his mom will need help. Though in his family many closed members have died very young due to disese, just becuase somebody is old will die first, nobody can say that.


suzie71384
(recently joined)
12/04/09 01:00 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

Hi everyone.... thank you for being attentive to this issue. It helps that I can come on once a wk and see the perspectives out there.

Myheart, I know exactly what you're talking about!

Losingfaith, I agree with everything you said... If my ex's mom (god forbid) were very sick and needed taking care of, I would expect my ex to take care of her (and I would sincerely do it too), bring her into our home, pay for medical services etc etc EVEN AFTER ALL THE BS SHE PUT ME THROUGH. That's just the type of person I am.

I'm feeling a little betrayed right now because 2 months ago my ex told me he cancelled his life insurance (which I was paying for automatically out of my checking acct) and then what I hadn't noticed was I WAS STILL PAYING FOR THIS!! To make matters worst, when I was closing my checking acct (balance at 0.00) the automatic payment went out and I was hit with an NSF fee that I am now liable for... It isn't about the money... It's the fact that he told me he cancelled the insurance and here was a surprise to me I'm still paying for it! He didn't have the decency to TELL ME, give me a heads up, that he didn't cancel the insurance. Now I'm asking for that money back AND for the NSF fee... he's telling me "No, it's not my problem."

How do you reason with someone like that????!!!!! So cold, so careless, so IRRISPONSIBLE!!!

I hate doing this to myself. I KNOW that whenever I email him it's totally going to ruin my day and yet every 2 wks I send him an email just to see where he is with the paperwork process. How difficult is it for his tiny brain to accept that: I WANT TO BE APART OF THE DIVORCE PROCESS. DON'T DO [censored] BEHIND MY BACK!

I don't know if there's a specific order to the phases of divorce but... I hit depression the first 2-3 wks. I guess it's different for different ppl.

I'm glad I found this forum because nobody in my world seems to understand what I'm talking about or going through. They've never gone through it so some of their advice is so easy for them to say/give, sometimes it doesn't make sense to me.


suz71384
(recently joined)
10/23/10 05:26 PM
Re: Trying so hard to save my marriage

It had been so long since I had logged in, I couldnt remember my login; so I created a new acct to reply.

As of today the divorce still isn't final! We've been fighting for my dog, my exhusband changed his phone numbers/emails, didn't want to discuss the case with me outside of lawyers which I believe was/is a huge waste of money. In the end he agreed to give my dog back to me if I would drop the lease on the condo we were renting that I got stuck with for 9 months. I agreed. I just wanted my dog back and wasn't going to let go of that.

If anybody thought I was over exaggerating how terrible my exhusbands family was to me, consider this: 3 months ago my father passed away suddenly (none of us were expecting it) and I didn't receive so much as a phone call from my exhusband or anyone in his family (not that I was expecting one because I had known who & what they were long ago). They knew about the terrible news so it's not like they could play stupid and say they didn't know. My dad was a better dad to my exhusband than his own father was for years and my dad didn't deserve the disrespect. If anything bad happened to anyone in his family, even after all the sh*t they put me through, on a human level I still have a conscience and would still reach out.



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