nuk
(recently joined)
04/17/11 10:10 PM
Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Hello, I have been married for almost 4 years now and am going through a separation initiated by my wife. Six-weeks ago, my wife and I had an argument. It was one of those that was festering for some time; especially on her end. I had been working a lot and didn't give her the attention she deserved/needed. A small argument turned into something bigger. It got to a point where she called some family that lives in the area to come pick her up. The problem is that once that happened, her family got involved as did mine. The family that picked her up was my cousin and his wife. The next day, my cousin requested that the both of us meet (with him there) to talk about our issues. Once we met, she requested a two-month separation where we would participate in marital counseling and I would also do anger management on my own. I did not feel that I needed anger management as when I get upset, I tend to shut off. However, I do admit that small things make me upset and cause me to shut down towards her. Therefore, I agreed with the anger management to save my marriage. During this month, I have learned, through her parents, that she leased a room (not sure how long) at school (She is a Senior in college). Now, I have also learned that she isn't ready to go to counseling together and would like a separation for six months. She wants six months with little to no contact so we can take time to reflect on the issues. She has spoken at one time or another to a mutual friend and to someone in my family. Both times she stated that she still wants to work this out but is scared to come home at this point and needs time. She didn't take much when she moved out and still hasn't come back for the rest of her things. I did get an email from her last week stating that she is going to independent counseling and listing issues that she would like for me to work on in counseling. My question is, do people do no-contact separations for an extended period of time like six months and still want to work it out? Or is this just a way for her to find time until she is done with school before she goes through the divorce process? She says that she just wants me to work on things separately for now and maybe after some time we will go to counseling together.

asurvivor
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
04/19/11 02:53 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Sounds like she is setting herself up to move on without you.

Any kids involved?


nuk
(recently joined)
04/19/11 08:11 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

No kids involved. Why do you think she is setting herself up to move on without me? If so, why do you think she would send an email with a list of things she would like for me to work on "for the sake of our marriage" (as she put it) and ask me to write back with the same for her? I guess I am just so confused about her actions and don't know why she does one thing and says another. Thanks for your input.

BeckaLeigh32
(member)
04/20/11 05:18 AM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

It is possible that she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you by telling you she doesn't want to be with you ever again.

I had that problem with my STBX. I didn't want to be with him but didn't want to hurt him, regardless of how bad he had hurt me. I wanted to work on things, even though I knew it was hopeless. I am hoping this isn't how your wife feels.

And it is possible that there is no hidden agenda behind her words. She could really want to work on it and wants you to prove that you do, too. It is up to you whether you do what she requested or not. If you want this marriage to work, whether you think she will be back or not, you have to work at it. Marriage is hard. You have to zig when you want to zag, bend when you want to be rigid.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you two work it out. But, remember, communication is key. If you don't hear the words she is saying or typing, she isn't going to want to hear what you are saying.


yregna
(veteran)
04/27/11 02:51 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

She is already screwing someone else, its very obvious...

finz
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
04/28/11 11:26 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Is she supporting herself financially during this time ? That could help you dodge paying her spousal support until she completes her degree and gets a (better) job.

I would do the counseling on your own. Even if this is the end of your marriage, you have learned that you internalize anger and have difficulty communicating. Any work that you do for yourself can help you in the long run....whether that is with her or a new partner.


nuk
(recently joined)
04/29/11 02:59 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Finz, Thank you for your response...She and her parents are paying her bills. We are communicating via email. Also, she is from Toronto so if we were to get a divorce, she would probably move back to Toronto with her parents as she doesn't have any roots here. With that being said, she has asked for certain documents that are needed when applying for graduate school loans out here. I also found out that she was offered a great position in Detroit (she applied for the same position out here but didn't get it), which is very close to Toronto. I was afraid that she was looking towards that because it is close to home and what she wants to do. However, I have since learned that she declined the position. Don't know what it all means but I hope it means something good. I am doing IC on my own and it is helping.

finz
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
05/02/11 06:13 AM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Hang in there Nuk.

Be thankful she is not asking for financial support now...and keep your proof about her job offer


psioux
(recently joined)
05/16/11 03:51 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

I kind of seperated from my Ex husband for a while, but we never really seperated and were still together for the weekends and put on a "face" for others. I never talked about it with my family or friends. And now we are divorced and I look back and wonder if we had this seperate time if it would be the same. I, at the time, was not ready to do what needed to be done. Maybe because i was young. Probably because I didn't know how to communicate.

I understand what people are saying here about her maybe being already gone. But I can tell you that time can change things. maybe some of her expierences will. I hope you both find what makes you happy. All you can do now is trust that she is telling you what is going on. And that when you ask a question she is giving you the honest answer. That is the only way you can move forward either way.


nuk
(recently joined)
05/17/11 02:03 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Psioux,

Thank you so much for your message. One problem she does have is that with communicating. What specifically do you think would have happened if you had time apart? Is the the fact that you may have had time to think things through without any interruption from your ex? With her is that her actions show that this marriage is not important to her (i.e. the complete stonewalling of me). At the same time, she won't pull the trigger on the divorce and when she came by to pick up some things, she only took half of her things and left the other half at home.


stormy1960
(recently joined)
05/25/11 04:40 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

I think that anyone that wants to work on the marriage would not leave for an extended period of time. It takes 2 to make a marriage work there for working on it yourself isnt going to do much good is it? I would be questioning her motives.

nuk
(recently joined)
05/29/11 09:45 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

I have started questioning her motives at this point. She has just gone into hiding and she has always been a person who hides from her problems and is terrible at communicating. At the same time, I am contacted by her sporadically with her discussing our marriage but nothing substantive. I don't understand why she won't just end it if she doesn't want to work on it.

dnvrguy02
(recently joined)
07/02/11 06:11 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

i kinda agree with some of post that she probably loves you or at least respect and doesn't want to hurt you by telling you she is moving on.

nuk
(recently joined)
07/05/11 01:19 AM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Thank you for your post dnvrguy02. I actually just received an email from her the other day. In her email she was telling me that she was very confused. She said on one end she thinks that I want to work things out with her and that I care for her but on the other end she is sad because when she came to pick up a few things, she saw that her pictures were not on the walls anymore. I told her that I took the pics down because they were too hard to look at and I wasn't trying to remove her from my life. She also said that she didn't take everything from the home because she didn't want me to think that she was leaving. I am just so confused by her words and actions.

Mellunolo
(recently joined)
08/27/11 07:43 PM
Balanitis Treatment *DELETED*

Post deleted by dsAdmin

DigitalNinja
(recently joined)
09/21/11 03:46 PM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Sorry kinda new here but really appreciate theres a whole section on "Saving Marriages" on this divorce site ... we had a couple friend who split up for a while and got back together. In this case it was the guy who walked out and it was brutal rough on his new wife (they were even married 6 months).

The separation though made both stronger once they got back together. I have no idea what the statistics are about "separation" and whether or not it helps. If it was me I would be pretty concerned that my wife was giving me a list of "things to fix". Thats not really how a marriage is supposed to work.

The couple I mentioned did a "no contact" thing and it worked for them so I dont think thats unusual or a huge warning sign. Perhaps between school and everything else its just too much emotional baggage to deal with so school finishing might work out well.

My own two cents would be once school is all done theres some fantastic marriage "courses" (I am reading a book now but cant remember the title or author off the top of my head) who does seminars. It should be a joint activity not something to do list you have to work on on your own.


Anything4Love
(journeyman)
11/01/11 07:41 AM
Re: Going through limbo stage of a separation...

Quote:

It is possible that she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you by telling you she doesn't want to be with you ever again.

I had that problem with my STBX. I didn't want to be with him but didn't want to hurt him, regardless of how bad he had hurt me. I wanted to work on things, even though I knew it was hopeless. I am hoping this isn't how your wife feels.




I am experiencing the same thing. I would add that things aren't always "black and white". When going through a huge decision like this there is always going to be doubt. One day she may be sure it's over and another day doubt that resolve. She probably isn't completely sure what she wants. The additional time apart may help her decide, or make it easier to leave without being wracked with doubt. But I agree - it's hard to hurt and let down someone you love and care about, even when you feel very strongly the marriage is not your destiny and it's the right thing to do.



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