| sogle57 |
| (old hand) |
| 06/20/05 09:43 PM |
need some advice on what to do..
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it seems my 24 year old son is mad at me..5 years ago when i divorced his dad he was 18 and going off to college..he went to jr.college..he is now a civil tech engineer..working for the IDOT in IL..so he has a good job..back in college he did a 15mth co-op.i let him move back home..rent free for the 15 mths even tho he was earning $1200 per month take home..after all he is my child and still in school..when the ex left he left the kitchen a mess..big holes in the walls ..he was always doing things and never finishing..well the son didnt like it told me i should fix it..well i cant afford it.so he puts in a new kitchen..cost around $1000 to do this..we bought the cabinets at menards the ones that you can just put together yourself..a few years later we were talking about the cabinets i asked him if he wanted paid back for them..no he says..i ask him if i sell the house do you want to take them out and put them in your house..no he says..well i sold the house and now i guess he is mad because i didnt offer to pay him for them...well i did offer..i told him i could pay him in installments..he is mad about a lot things..he says its my fault he went to a jr college unlike his brother and sister..hes made because he had to pay his cell phone bill after the divorce..i couldnt do it anymore..hes mad because i bought his sister a louis vuitton purse for her b-day..( i sell them so it cost me next to nothing) and he is mad because his sister while still in high school got to drive my new car while in high school he drove a peice of****( his dad and him went out and got that car and fixed it up)..hes mad about some other things too..what am i suppose to do?..why is it all my fault..why isnt anything his fathers fault..his father didnt help him with college..i couldnt afford to get his sister a car, so we shared it..i didnt tell him to buy the cabinets..i offered to pay him for them he said no..i dont get it..he wont answer the phone when i call him to get him to talk to me..he emailed from his g/f computer to tell me what the problem was..and there were several problems..but i have no clue what to do about it...he says he never wants to talk to me again..now mind you this is a child you has never shown any signs of real greed or jealousy..
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/20/05 09:58 PM |
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Re: need some advice on what to do..
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It sounds like he's still hurt about the divorce and it's all coming out now. Sometimes people hold in their frustration and anger until it finally explodes. We tend to take things out on the people closest to us and that's why he's lashing out at you now. Maybe he is blaming you because he can hurt you like he's hurting and he knows his father wouldn't care. (or at least not show he cares. I think the only thing you can do is tell him (in a letter if you have to) is that you are sorry he feels this way and you hope he never has first hand knowledge of how a person feels before, during and after a divorce. Tell him that you are willing to talk and let him talk but that shutting you out is not the answer. Tell him you are sorry that he feels slighted and you certainly didn't plan on him having less than his siblings, but that you can't go back. He is not a child. You can talk to him as an adult and let him know that you will always be there for him and hope that he doesn't mean what he says about never speaking to you again since that won't solve anything thing. there really isn't a lot you can do. It sounds as if everything piled up on him and something just toppled the pile. If he won't talk to you see if one of his siblings can get him to talk.
| KiwiGirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/21/05 05:44 AM |
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I know what you mean
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My 2 middle children are lashing out at their father now (after 5 years) and he is wondering 'what did I do'?
All I can say is don't fall apart for him. Tell him that if he wants LV purse he can come and select one anytime he wants.
He should discuss his car choice with his father. If he feels so strongly about his car he had 5 years ago, perhaps this is something he should talk to his father about and ask him why he didn't get him a newer car when they were car shopping.
The kitchen cupboards? You have offered 2x to repay him in some way. He declined both times. So the cupboards belonged to you. Simply tell him you asked many times to repay him and he refused in the past so what were you supposed to assume? Also you have sold the home and he may feel a strong emotional tie to the place and here you are 'rejecting' his generous gift to you albeit a few years ago now.
I get the impression the anger and frustration at the rivorce is only now starting to appear. You see, they wait until they are no longer dependant on you and have a safe place to run to. Then they lash out and reel off all your faults for being their mother and human.
Email him back and tell him paying for his own cell phone is an adult choice. A cell phone is not like a pacemaker or a lung transplant. It is not a life saving medication. It is a choice he made about something he really wanted. My kids want cell phones, they pay for it themselves.
As for his sister, I suspect he feels hard done by. My husband paid his way thru college while his younger brother and sister got financial assistance from his parents. He doesn't like it but that is the way things were. He cannot change it now. So he sees how it made his character grow and become the person he is. And remind him that as he lived rent free with you while earning money you will willingly pay back for the cabinets if he pays back the back rent.
He will come around eventually. They always do. Stay in touch and send him that purse. I suspect he will hand it on to his g/f. But stand your ground. You are an adult and entitled to some respect.
| sogle57 |
| (old hand) |
| 06/21/05 01:49 PM |
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Re: I know what you mean
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thank you for your thoughts..as far as the divorce..it was actually the 3 kids who told me to get the divorce..they were tired of the fighting..dad coming home drunk all the time..they new it was time for us to split..its never really been an issue for them..all 3 of them have relationships with their dad..as i said the two boys were in college at the time..daughter was 15..she didnt have much to do with him during her high school years but she goes to see him now..not often but she does go..i could send him a purse but i doubt that he wants one..he was just trying to tell me that he feels i owe him money and im out spending it on things that dont need to be bought instead of paying him back..like i said..those purses sell for hundreds to thousands of dollars but i get them very very cheap and resale them very very cheap ..i didnt spend $500 for one purse like he is assuming..but he wont even let me tell him that..cause he wont talk to me..the other two kids thinks hes being riduculous..so hopefully they can talk some sense into him..after all he is gettng the money...