| butterscotch |
| (newbie) |
| 06/29/05 12:03 AM |
I think I blew my chance with my step daughter
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:(I think that I have blew my chance of a good relationship with my step daughter. Within the last week we had discovered on a visit that she had an instant messaging that she had created come to find out at her aunts house. (we found this out because we monitor our computer).Her dad said that he had told her that she was to loose the instant messaging and to stop lying about her age and talking to older boys/men she is just 13. When brought to the mothers attention infront of my husband she said that she was only allowed to go to the morman website.(her and the girls are morman). So anyhow last nite i was online reading the paper and she had sent me a thing earlier in the week to add her to her im list.I played along added her. Anyhow this window pops up last nite and she starts talking not like i was a parent but like i was one of her "friends online". So after about five lines of how are you and what are you doing I asked her if she knew who she was talking to. She replied your from Ohio. I said no you are talking to your step mom and you are busted. I know i should have played along but anyhow her aunt got on said that she had talked with her mom and there wasn't a problem. Excuse me but when a 13 year old child is lying about her age and trying to "hook up" with guys there is a problem. So she called her dad tonite and he knew about the whole thing and it is printed and all that jazz. He tells her that she was not to lye about her age and she said that I had said last nite that she was supposed to loose the im-which i had done because that is what he had told me. So here I am he has had nothing but fits trying to see the girls and as a parent doing what was right -yes i know only step- but i would do it to my kids friends too. I am concerned about the safety of the children. I think it blew up in my face because now i feel that i have no say as a parent to his kids. Now i am not certain why the double standard on the moms end but trying to be the nice guy is not weathering well on the marriage. I have two children that live in the home full time and if they were to do something like that they would be grounded until they were 35 yrs old by him. but there aren't supposed to be any steps in our house except the ones that lead up to the door, that was our agreement.......I think I just became the whole flight of stairs.....!!!!!!!! Any advice. :confused: oh ya. she said she didn't add me to her instant message list that I got in and added it. If i was going to do that I would have changed the password so she couldn't get into it at all and that would have solved the whole thing. My husband says he can't control what they let her do only what she does at our house but the thing that hurts is that my role as a parent was destroyed.
| Cinders |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/29/05 07:57 AM |
Re: I think I blew my chance with my step daughter
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I don't think your role as a parental figure in this girl's life was destoyed, I htin it was reinforced. That being said, from what you have written, it sounds like she is being a typical rebellious teenager and blaming you for her mistakes. That is, she thinks the only thing wrong about the situation is that you snitched.
What we do is tell our skids that when we discipline them, they are to self-discipline themselves. If we find out they haven't been, it takes them longer to get their privileges back at home. No, we don't have any say over what goes on at their BM's house, but we also don't have control what they do at a friend's house. So, we tell them that when we impose a punishment, we expect it to be followed no matter where they are at - that it is a punishment affecting them, not a geographical punishment just for our house.
It seems to have worked well in that we have only had a problem with one skid not being able to self-discipline himself.
I don't know if that would work for you if you are not cps, but I will say a prayer! :-)
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/29/05 08:27 AM |
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Re: I think I blew my chance with my step daughter
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I don't think you destroyed your chances of a good relationship and I don't think your role as a parental figure was compromised. I know you have a blended family, but these kids all have another parent that no one in your house can control. What you do is set "house" rules and everyone follows the same thing in your home. That's ALL you can do. I certainly understand your concern about her being 13 and am in no way trying to diminish it. I think her father and you should educate her about pedophiles and talk about meeting people in person and stress how important it is not to, but once she's not in your home your H is right. You have no control. One thing my SO and I decided a long time ago is that we will not let our X's effect our relationship. IT's not a double standard with her mom, it's the way she chooses to parent and your SD is old enough to understand there are different rules in each home. Your rule is "no IMing", so if she does you punish her as you would the children that live in the home. When she tells you it's okay with her mom you say "It's NOT okay with us, you know the rules you broke them and these are the concequenses." Don't let her play one home against the other. Don't tell her that her mom is wrong to make those rules, just that yours are different. You'll get back on track, just DON'T let the kids come between you and your H and remember no one ever said life was fair!
| butterscotch |
| (newbie) |
| 06/29/05 10:04 AM |
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Re: I think I blew my chance with my step daughter
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her dad is afraid of loosing the relationship that he has fought so hard to reestablish over the last year because of a deniel of visitation. I say you still have to be a parent no matter what but he is affraid.So on the phone with her he had said to her that he never told her she wasn't allowed to use it and didn't say well I feel that your SM wasn't in the wrong she is just looking out for your safety. If it was mine that live in the house full time the whole neighborhood would have heard the conversation that he was having with them about what they had done.
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/29/05 10:44 AM |
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Re: I think I blew my chance with my step daughter
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Then you have more of a problem with your H than your SD. Sit him down and explain how you feel. I agree that you can't stop being a parent because you had to fight. That isn't teaching children anything. After you tell him how you feel let him know that if he wants to let her do what he previously had a problem with, that's fine but it isn't to be from a computer that the other children use also.
| TGSM |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/29/05 10:58 AM |
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Re: I think I blew my chance with my step daughter
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It sounds like a serious double standard going on here. He needs to be told that if HE isn't going to respect your role as his daughters SM and back you up, then he is not going to be respected as your children's SF. You need to make it clear to him that it is NOT fair if he thinks he can play the heavy with your kids and tender foot with his daughter. That would seriously piss me off too. Maybe you guys need counseling? Blended families are so hard to navigate. His feelings of loosing his daughter are valid, BUT they can not guide his actions. He has to be strong and maintain his stance with his rebellious teen. JMHO
| KiwiGirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/29/05 06:10 PM |
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Disengagement
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I know it is hard but you cannot tell the BM that her daughter has been grounded from the IM service and expect her to just agree with you. Some parents will just not do that. They wonder why YOU know best and THEY don't. Then you are stepping into dangerous territory.
Around here you get grounded for whatever reason. The BM is told what and why this punsihment is imposed. Then while the child is here the punsihment applies. Once they return to their BM we can only hope she abides by the decision.
Now if my 13 yr old was online chatting to older men I would take her for a little drive to the local police station. Make prior arrangements thru the right department and let her see what happens to young girls and how easily it is to track them down. She feels she is like teflon and all trouble will just slide on off her.
Grounding works. But I find it better to work their butts off. No computer time but lots of cleaning time. No access to the computer because she cannot be trusted in your home.
I do think it is a little tough to insist a certain form of punishment follows her back to her mother's place when her mother doesn't feel it is appropriate. This is her mother and you are just a step parent. That is what it comes down to.
If I were you I would have ignored it until she turned up for her next visitation. Mention you saw her online and she probably thinks she is clever in trying to decieve her father and you. And then offer to take her for icecream and call by the police station. Kids will not listen to adults who get emotionally involved. But they would listen to a cop in uniform showing her how easily he can tyrack down her address and her personal details. THAT will shock the life out of her.
| butterscotch |
| (newbie) |
| 06/29/05 09:16 PM |
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Re: Disengagement
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Thank you the police station might be an option. My son when he went to an inapropiate website that one of his friends told him about I made him write a 10,000 word essay on the dangers and grounded him from the computer. This seemed to do the trick with him but with his daughter she is clearly rebeling and the police station might work. How would friend of the court look at something like this.the whole incedient and us taking her to the police station,would they frown on it? his thursday visit is tomorrow and the daughter wants to talk to her dad without me there i will have to keep you updated on that one.
| KiwiGirl |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/29/05 09:57 PM |
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Disengagement
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Just for your personal information, call into the local police station and tell them what is going on. Ask how you can shock this girl into stopping this behaviour. They can help. Or contact the local FBI.
I would think that you can tell the FOTC that this young lady is walking into dangerous territory and you felt the safest thing to do would be to have her meet with the authorities who deal with this every day. You had tried grounding but this wasn't working when she went to her mother's place. You felt that she needed to hear about the dangers she is placing herself in from an objective party and someone who will tell her the truth in a safe environment. After all, aren't the police our friends????
I doubt they will throw her into jail and handcuff her. I suspect they would simply sit her down and show her how easy it would be to track her down using simnple software these stalkers use. And how easy it would be to find out all about her and where she lives. 13 yr olds think they are so clever but all they are doing is offering themselves to the highest bidder in my opinion.
| butterscotch |
| (newbie) |
| 06/30/05 10:07 PM |
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Re: Disengagement
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thank you for your advice. I will check into it this week. Oh the visit today and the conversation they had (hubby and SD)he said that I was a parent to and should be repected as one and that the behavior was unacceptable.She is to not use the instant messaging.The mother played once again the you shouldn't do that,but she has double standards that have to be confusing to the children. I think that the police department is a great idea and think that I will do that for not just the one child but for all 4 of them. As for my husband we are going to talk everyday until this is cleared up and I feel that I am not being pushed out of the way. The true test will be next Thursday or even next weekend when we have them to see how they react and interact and how their dad acts.