PrincessJ
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 09:04 AM
Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

...that they will be having a "normal" July visitation with dad. What is normal you ask? Well, during the month of July, per our divorce decree, he gets them every day and night EXCEPT the 2nd and 4th weekends. I have them then.

I wasn't going to say anything about it at all because of our scheduled trial date of July 1st. I figured this arrangement would change depending upon what happens July 1st. One thing the ex and I BOTH agreed upon and planned to change was that the July schedule not only did NOT work with his current schedule, but it also was not good or enjoyable for the kids. So, we intended to eliminate the July schedule and, instead, spread it out over the year.

My youngest was making all kinds of plans for 4th of July and the week after, knowing his favorite cousin would be in town. Since we won't be going to court, however, we won't be changing July and the kids would be with the ex.

I finally said, "Sweety, before you start planning things in your mind, you remember its July and you're with your dad, right?"

He said,"WHAT???!!! Dad told me he was going to get rid of the July schedule when you guys go to trial on the first!"

(I did NOT, have NOT nor will I ever, discuss trial with my kids. He got this from his father, which is really what this vent is about. I'm just really ticked he is detailing the trial to an 8 year old kid. Its a big people issue. He's a child.)

So, I explained that trial might not happen and he should just assume its our normal schedule. He was visibly bothered. He said, "I hated what we did last year. I hate July. We spend most of it with 1st ex wife or SM."

I said, "I'm sorry, sweetie. You can talk with your dad about it. I'm sure he wants to know how you feel. I have talked to him too and he knows I am available if he needs someone to watch you guys. PLUS, you're only a couple blocks away. Maybe you can ride your bike by and just say hi from time to time if you're bored! Talk to dad about that and I will too!"

So, its bedtime and I remind DS12 that he needs to brush his teeth. I've always joked with them that if they don't brush their teeth, they'll rot out of their head & they'll be doomed to fake teeth and eating baby food. (I say it while pretending to have no teeth myself. DS8 always cracks up.) I also said jokingly, "Your cavitieis are EXPENSIVE. Don't get any more!"

DS12 says, "Well, if you would put us on dad's insurance, it would have been completely covered. When you go to trial, dad says you won't be paying $600 a month for health insurance because he can get it for $200 a month."

So, once again, I have to tell a kid that this is big people stuff and he is a little kid. Its really not appropriate to be involved in issues like this. I also asked, "Geez, does dad just tell you EVERYTHING about our trial?"

DS12 said, "Not everything, but a lot." He smiled when he told me. I didn't prod but this is just getting ridiculous.

Why on earth do you tell KIDS?

<vent over>


Spring
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 09:57 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

I'm sorry for your 8 year old. I don't really understand why some adults involve their kids in these matters. It puts them smack in the middle...and its hurtful. BM does that all the time as well, and all I can tell you is that it doesn't do well for her.

Kids want to be kids...they do not want the burden of adult crap...I wish adults understood that.


PrincessJ
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 10:01 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

I'm really ticked about the July thing, too. It's only 4 weeks, I know but the ex and I totally agreed on this issue. I mean, heck, it took DS8 2 weeks to "recover" from July. The first night back home, a little neighbor girl came over because she was so excited DS8 was home. DS8 wanted nothing to do with her and literally sat on my lap and cried because he was so glad to be home. We had two different instances when DS8 was invted to spend the night with friends following the July schedule. DS8 agreed to go but then right around bedtime, in BOTH instances, insisted to go home and did come home. In tears.

I know the kid will be fine but what is the point of dragging him thru the stress when we BOTH agree its not healthy for him?


MaritimeGuy
(addict)
06/25/08 10:29 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

I agree it's inappropriate to involve the kids in these matters. To this day I have no idea if my kids even know I pay their mother on their behalf. I've certainly never told them.

My girlfriend (who's daughter is grown now) told me one time when she was firing letters back and forth with her ex disputing CS she discovered he was showing their daughter all her correspondence.

I guess for some it's more about 'winning' then it is about arriving at a workable solution for all concerned. Part of 'winning' in their minds seems to be getting the kids 'on their side'. It's pathetic if you ask me.


PrincessJ
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 10:34 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

I really can't figure it out, though, MG. My ex USED to be an attoreny, you would think he would know better.

ssmom79
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 10:43 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

"I guess for some it's more about 'winning' then it is about arriving at a workable solution for all concerned. Part of 'winning' in their minds seems to be getting the kids 'on their side'. It's pathetic if you ask me."
_____________________________________________

That's exactly what it is. I watched it with the SK's when their Mom went through her second divorce. It got to the point where the kids asked us to talk to their Mom and tell her to stop because it made them uncomfortable but they didn't want to hurt her feelings. We did. She didn't change. No one was suprised.

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. The only thing you can do is NOT do that and they boys will remember that.


MaritimeGuy
(addict)
06/25/08 10:52 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

My girfriend's ex was a psychologist. Go figure...

PrincessJ
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 10:53 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

[quote]My girfriend's ex was a psychologist. Go figure... [/quote]

Unbelievable....


PrincessJ
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 10:54 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

What I always tell the boys is that "these are big people issues and you guys are little people. You do not need to worry or concern yourselve." and I leave it at that.

Relayer
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 10:56 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

If you only live a couple of blocks from each other and it's bike riding distance, why is any of this an issue? (the cousin and stuff)

PrincessJ
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
06/25/08 11:00 AM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

In previous years, it wasn't an issue at all. I was the first one he called if he needed to work or for whatever other reason.

Last year, the ex followed the decree to a T in regards to July. Other than one day in the entire month, I only saw them on the 2nd and 4th weekends. They were not allowed to ride their bikes over. The one time they did, only two were allowed to come over. Only for an hour and a half and when they left, both were emotional.

If he treats this July like he treated last July, then my son will not see his cousin, whom he refers to as his "cousin brother". They are tight.

I agree that if they are a bike ride away, they should be allowed. I know I give them that freedom. My ex does not.


c_jane
(Pooh-Bah)
06/25/08 07:10 PM
Re: Vent----I broke the news to DS8....

Oooo! Ooooo! (waving hand) I know! I Know! Because PJ's Ex- is a Jerk just like my Ex- and will do whatever he can to 'stick it' to PJ through the kids. Including not letting them ride their bikes over to visit cousin, for a family party, to see Great Aunt Helga that's 100 years old, etc. Ex- has 'em, it's his time By God, and it's gonna STAY his time.

My Ex- did just that up until this March. I live 5 blocks away from Ex & DS & DS NEVER got to come over unless it was 'my CO'd time'. A couple of times DS DID go bike riding with a neighbor boy & his Dad and DS ALWAYS talked them into riding over here so he could see me. Now isn't THAT pathetic?!


[quote]If you only live a couple of blocks from each other and it's bike riding distance, why is any of this an issue? (the cousin and stuff) [/quote]



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