| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/16/12 01:45 PM |
WWYD?
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SS will be graduating from military training in May. While I know it's a ways off, I'm wondering what you think. I told H he needs to go to support his son and that I would stay home with the dogs. It's in the middle of the week close to H's bday. We were talking about this with his D's a week ago, and they also want to go; it's out of state, and want to bring their kids. Keep in mind, they are 6, 2, 2, and will be close to 8 months old. Neither of them can "afford" it. H kept his mouth shut, knowing full well that they would want him to offer to help pay for them and their kids to go. He told me that he would offer to help with hotel as it wouldn't cost him anything, he could use his points. But they can "drive" with their mother if they really want to go. I don't believe that this is an event that kids would even care about that are that young. But, that's me. I believe he will stick to this, as he knows that they really need to stand on their own financially. Younger SD is still not divorced, looking for a place to live. Would you go as the step parent? Or would you keep this huge life event to the parents of the child in question? I'm not sure if BM is taking her H or not. As I said, it's still far away and I really don't know what to do. My heart says go, but my head says stay home, it's a parents moment.
| NikkiL |
| (addict) |
| 03/16/12 02:03 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Do you WANT to go with your husband? If you do...then GO with. You OVER THINK EVERYTHING. Relax once in awhile lady :-)
Stop thinking about if the kids are old enough to go, or if BM is bringing her husband. Do you want to go out of town with your H and watch your SS graduate from military training? Or do you want to stay home with the dogs?
| LexieBelle |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/16/12 02:16 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Ditto what NikkiL said... either you wanna go.. or you don't.
Are you concerned with what they would think about your going? Then go with what my SO says "I don't give a shyt what anyone else thinks". Works pretty well I'm learning :) So if you wanna go.. then go. If you don't? Then don't.
BUTTTTT, I will say this? If you do not WANT to go? Then SAY SO. Please please PLEASE do not use the lame ass excuse of "someone needs to stay home to watch the dogs". My parents pulled this in missing my wedding to dd's dad. It's an INSANELY lame excuse and actually spitting it out of one's mouth to someone? Will probably hurt like a bytch. Just be HONEST, so you don't WANT to go, and own your feelings.
Just sayin'...
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/16/12 02:53 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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I agree with LB. Do what you want but don't be passive agressive about it. If you want to go....then go, if not be honest as to why. No lame excuses.
| M5M5 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/16/12 06:53 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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I would go. It's not about step parent vs parent. If you want to go, go, and don't worry about anyone else.
| Reilly |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/16/12 07:40 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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I've got to agree..
Aren't you tired worrying about little things? LOL...I'm just saying, your mind seems to go into overdrive over the smallest decision...
This is YOUR husband..the kids are grown, gone..its time you two lived YOUR lives for YOU...stop worrying about how someone else is gonna view it...
| elliesmom |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/16/12 10:49 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Personally I would go, because I would want to. And my SS thinks I am ok so I wouldn't be imposing on his day.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/17/12 03:12 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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[quote]SS will be graduating from military training in May. While I know it's a ways off, I'm wondering what you think. I told H he needs to go to support his son and that I would stay home with the dogs. It's in the middle of the week close to H's bday. We were talking about this with his D's a week ago, and they also want to go; it's out of state, and want to bring their kids. Keep in mind, they are 6, 2, 2, and will be close to 8 months old. Neither of them can "afford" it. H kept his mouth shut, knowing full well that they would want him to offer to help pay for them and their kids to go. He told me that he would offer to help with hotel as it wouldn't cost him anything, he could use his points. But they can "drive" with their mother if they really want to go. I don't believe that this is an event that kids would even care about that are that young. But, that's me. I believe he will stick to this, as he knows that they really need to stand on their own financially. Younger SD is still not divorced, looking for a place to live. Would you go as the step parent? Or would you keep this huge life event to the parents of the child in question? I'm not sure if BM is taking her H or not. As I said, it's still far away and I really don't know what to do. My heart says go, but my head says stay home, it's a parents moment. [/quote]
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I think it's nice for someone in the family to be there to acknowledge it. I don't think everyone NEEDS to be there. That depends on individual work commitments and finances.
Your dh's dd's seem to be low on work commitments and finances. Not good.
I think giving those girls money to go on vacation with their entire entourages, which is essentially what this would amount to, while there life finances are in such a shambles is enabling. Offering to pick up the hotel bill ONLY for those who can arrange their own transportation and other expenses or offering to pay for a celebration dinner/party for those who can make it would be nice of your husband.
If they want to bring young kids for a long car ride to support their brother....fine. I'd fly and find seperate seating at the event
| annieo |
| (veteran) |
| 03/17/12 12:21 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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I am so glad that my relationships with my stepchildren were/are really great - I would never have to had question whether I would go to something important in their lives.
If you want to go - go.
I wouldn't be paying for the whole family to go - if they can afford it they can go.
Of course I didn't over think it or give much weight to bm feelings because my husband would want me to be there and my stepchildren would have questioned WHY I wasn't there.
I agree with the others - do not use the dogs as an excuse - we have dogs and as hard as it would be to find one I would have just gotten a house sitter.
| Loretta |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/17/12 01:34 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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I would ignore the girls' hints at going. You should go I if you want to. I for one understand the dog situation. Mine are my babies.
| LexieBelle |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/17/12 02:09 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Sorry, the dog thing is STUPID. Board them, get a sitter, WHATEVER. It's a completely lame ass excuse. Seriously.
| Loretta |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/17/12 02:33 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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I hate boarding my dogs. I hate, hate, hate it. It has nothing to do with the fact it was you who said it was a lame excuse. I had to have someone stay at our home while we went on R&R to take care of them. I used to get so aggrevated with my mom for using that excuse. Then I got my babies and I can't believe how much we love them as if they were human. I take them with me a lot. LaQuinta allows them. For someone like Char who's never had kids???? I'd imagine they are her babies.
ETA: mine come to work with me every single day I work.
| Debi |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/17/12 08:38 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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That's why I have cats. They are responsible enough to take care of themselves for a couple of days! :o)
| annieo |
| (veteran) |
| 03/17/12 08:38 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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My doggies are my babies and I would hate hate hate to board them but I would get a sitter to stay with them - I have several friends that would come stay with my babies and even though I would miss them terribly and they me, if one of my stepchildren had an important event I wouldn't miss it - that being said, my relationship with my stepchildren is very close and as I said they would wonder why I wasn't there and staying home with my babies would say that my babies mean more then them.
I don't think Chars relationship with her stepchildren is what mine is (at least it doesn't seem so, I could be wrong...) but the last thing I would say is that someone has to stay home with the doggies especially if it is an "excuse"
Only Char knows what is right for her.
If Char wants to attend she does have enough time to set up a doggie sitter since it isn't until May.
| javajunkiee |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/18/12 04:55 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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[quote]I hate boarding my dogs. I hate, hate, hate it. It has nothing to do with the fact it was you who said it was a lame excuse. I had to have someone stay at our home while we went on R&R to take care of them. I used to get so aggrevated with my mom for using that excuse. Then I got my babies and I can't believe how much we love them as if they were human. I take them with me a lot. LaQuinta allows them. For someone like Char who's never had kids???? I'd imagine they are her babies.
ETA: mine come to work with me every single day I work. [/quote]
I'm the same way. I don't have kids, my dogs are my babies and I hate leaving them in a kennel. It's a nice kennel mind you, but there's always the chance they'll come home with fleas. Also like kids, getting them back into a routine after they've been "on vacation" and spoiled rotten by the kennel staff takes a couple days, lol. Not to mention I'm OCD, and having them away from home makes me nervous, lol. No one takes as good of care of your "kids" as you do, kwim?
As for SD's? They want to go that bad, they can pop for the cost of their own transportation and for gawds sake, leave the rugrats at home! This day is supposed to be a celebration for their brother and the other graduates. I can just picture spoiled, whiny ass attention seekers, amped up and tired from the trip, being total pita's to everyone around them. Before anyone jumps me for saying that, think about it - Given that the SD are apparently spoiled whine- asses, their kids are likely not much better.
As for Char going, if SS wants her there she should seriously consider it. Its not about BM, SDs or even her DH. If SS would like her to share in the event, his opinion is the only one that counts.
Seriously, people let family drama infinge on their important relationships wayyyy too much.
| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 09:03 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Yes, they are my babies, and one of them was oldest SD's who we took in b/c she couldn't keep her at the time. We've had her nearly 4 years now. LOL. Guess she's ours. And if she went, then I could not board her dog as she is aggressive and I couldn't trust her. I don't have anyone who can housesit, remember I don't have any single friends? :) So, even if I wanted to go, which I do to support SS, I couldn't. It's not an excuse, it's just a fact of life. Dogs are wonderful companions, but a responsibility as well. They restrict your "social" life to some extent. But that's ok. I wouldn't dream of not having them in my life.
| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 09:05 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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LOL. thanks for the straight up response. And I agree, little kids should NOT attend an event like this. But, who am I? They have inlaws, they can leave the kids with them for a day or two.
| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 09:10 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Debi, I didn't realize it at the time, but you are so right! I am being passive aggressive about things. Too much so. I never gave it thought until you came out and said that. Mum was the same way, she'd say one thing, about not doing something, when in reality she wanted to go/do it. One event in particular stands out; our department at my old job was going to Six Flags. She didn't like the people I worked for/with (took time away from her LOL), and didn't want to go. When I said that one lady was taking her mother she didn't say anything; until the morning I was leaving to go. We got into a HUGE fight, her whining about such and such's mother is going, you couldn't invite me? I told her she was a bytch, slamming the door as I walked out. I was so angry, crying all the way there, and pissed b/c I ended up getting stuck in traffic. I was so upset, I ended up not going to the event after all, but went for a drive and shopping. I allowed her to ruin what could have been a great day. This was only once, I can't tell you how many times she would do that to me over the years. And when you made that statement, I realized I was doing the exact same thing. Thank you for pointing that out, I truly appreciate it. I will work on it much harder going forward; say what I feel instead of worrying about others or waiting for someone to "ask/say what they wanted".
| Buckeye |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 11:37 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Char - when animals come before people, it is a sad, sad world. If you like this person, you go and board the dogs.
| Debbie_L |
| (Pooh-Bah) |
| 03/19/12 11:45 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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[quote]Char - when animals come before people, it is a sad, sad world. If you like this person, you go and board the dogs. [/quote]
We'll have to disagree there. I love my dog a hell of a lot more than I like a lot of people. He adds so much to my life and gives so much love unconditionally.
| ssmom79 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 12:22 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Aw, I can't have babies so I got fur babies. I'm sorry Char doesn't have someone close she can trust with her fur babies. My mom usually comes to stay at my house with my pups when we go on vacation. We have a 'chosen wien' who usually vacations with us.
| M5M5 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 01:06 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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You will find alot of little kids at these events. There's nothing wrong with it IF you can afford to take them.
| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 04:01 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Oh, I didn't know that. Thanks for letting me know that. :) They can't afford it. But H will not pay for them either. He's already told me as much. He will use his points for a hotel room, but they are on their own to get there.
| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/19/12 04:02 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Mum had a saying; Love me, love my dog. LOL. She too loved her dogs more than people. People let you down, they use you, hurt you and cast you aside like yesterday's news. Dogs don't. They love you no matter what. If I can go, I will.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/20/12 12:15 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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My dog is my baby girl.
I cry when I have to leave her at a kennel, which I never did when leaving my boys (technically human) at day care.
That said, if I won a free Caribbean cruise leaving tomorrow, my dog would be in the kennel so fast it would make her head spin !
If your dh goes to this without you and had a medical emergency where he had to be hospitalized there......Would you find someone to take care of the dogs or would you wait until dh was able to be discharged to see him ?
If the perfect vacation (I've skipped some vacation options because I don't want to leave my girl) or a family crisis can't drag you away from the dogs, then you have an excuse to skip this event. If you would arrange for their care under different circumstances, then it is a "diss" to skip this milestone in your ss's life.
I'd be tempted to skip the passive aggressive and go for assertive aggressive here......your sd's can't really afford to go and don't seem to be overly employed. I'd offer to pay one of them $50 a day to watch the dogs while you are gone. If either still owe your dh money, HE should be insisting on that.
| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/20/12 10:08 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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Well, let's see. Oldest owes him around $2500, youngest owes over $5k. Of course if H got sick while there I'd find a way to get there. This is about me respecting the role SS's parents have in his life. Remember, I "broke" up the "happy" family. While the kids don't look at it that way, they don't blame me, I do. I knew better. And their mother is now reliving the past and can't get over her hurt and anger. I don't want to make things worse for her while she is struggling in her own life. It's a slap in the face to her. I'm trying to respect her by "keeping my distance". There is more going on that I can't/won't say here. I don't want to cause BM anymore pain than I have already caused.
| Tweeby |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/20/12 10:37 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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If dogs are more important to you than people are than I guess you have your answer, don't go and send the message that you are not paprt of his family.
My sister has a few dogs that are her 'babies' but those dogs don't stop her from going on vacations and interacting with people. My sister has never put her dogs in kennels, she has family or friends who will watch and take care of the dogs when she wants to go on vacation. She has other dogs coming to her home when their owners are going out of town.
I thought having animals was to inhance your life not constrict it.
| Char9 |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/20/12 01:25 PM |
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Re: WWYD?
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There is a lot more to the story which I won't post here. One of "our" dogs (used to be SD's) is aggressive with my own dog. I can't imagine what she would be like in a kennel since we always had her stay with SD when we went on vacation ourselves. I'll see what the "girls" end up doing, and base my decision on that. If they go, then I will stay home and care for the dogs. If they don't then I will have SD take care of the one and the other 2 will go in the kennel for 3 days. We shall see.
| finz |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 03/22/12 12:22 AM |
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Re: WWYD?
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[quote]Well, let's see. Oldest owes him around $2500, youngest owes over $5k. Of course if H got sick while there I'd find a way to get there. This is about me respecting the role SS's parents have in his life. Remember, I "broke" up the "happy" family. While the kids don't look at it that way, they don't blame me, I do. I knew better. And their mother is now reliving the past and can't get over her hurt and anger. I don't want to make things worse for her while she is struggling in her own life. It's a slap in the face to her. I'm trying to respect her by "keeping my distance". There is more going on that I can't/won't say here. I don't want to cause BM anymore pain than I have already caused. [/quote]
Is this about 'respecting the sp role' or is this about having to take care of the dogs ?
Pick a reason and stick with it !
Char, I don't mean that as a 'you must defend your choice to this forum' issue. This SHOULD be doing what's best for ss issue to honor him on a milestone day. If the reason why you may/may not attend is that you don't want to make things awkward for his bm, say THAT ! If he wants you there and/or assumes that you will be there, if I were him, I'd be pi**ed if my sm blew off my big day because she 'couldn't' leave the dogs....especially if I knew/suspected she could make arrangements for them IF she really wanted too.
Does ss want/assume that you will be there ?
Is bm definitely going ?
Can your dh put on his big girl panties and call his ex to see if she would have a major issue with you going so that everyone can handle this like adults ?
What did you do for the girls' weddings and sgk's events ?
You shouldn't explain everything here if you aren't comfortable with that. Do what you think is right. I think it's silly though to ask advice on a situation if you don't want to share the whole story. If the dogs weren't the key factor, we are all wasting our time giving advice based on that.
Good luck