| someday |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/12/08 04:46 AM |
My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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This isn't all that simple but...... after 14 years of caring for my 2 children my son is leaving me for his dad. He is a great kid. He's well liked by his peers, coaches, and teachers. He's a straight A student. I did okay. Now- he won't have anything to do with me and his dad is in contempt of the court order. Here we go again - back to court. I'm just afraid this time I'm going to be hurt sooooo badly there won't be any repairing it. My ex is a mean man and a liar and I think the courts (and my son) are going to give him the power to hurt me again. They are trying to take all my rights away (I haven't seen my son in 2 months). The courts aren't going to do anything but slap him on the wrist for contempt and then ask my son who he wants to live with. If my ex was a better "gentle-man" (he and his father hit women, I would be okay with it but.... my son I'm afraid will end up just like him. And the sad part is I'm going to be chewed up in the court room - I KNOW IT!!!! I'm scared and I'm reaching out for some one to talk with. Someone who understands my pain. :(
| sadie46 |
| (member) |
| 06/12/08 07:54 AM |
Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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My sis is going through this at this time. Her ex is sending papers for change of custody. Nephew is 13. Only child and she has raised him since 2 as primary. She is so depressed and hurt. I tried to tell her that this is pretty normal for that age to want to go live with Dad. The problem about this whole thing is that Dad is not going to be around much to supervise and allows alot of freedom and sis has already seen her son get caught up with the wrong kids and doing juvenile activities. That is one reason why her son wants to live with Dad. Her ex not only requested the change based on son's preference but also to make sis look bad her threw in some deal about misconduct. She has no idea what he is talking about. Sis is a sthm mother and her husband has a very good job. Ex is seeking full custody with her visitation, him to not pay support anymore and requesting child support from her. He goes on and on about how she can make this great living. Out of work force now for 6 yrs. Her ex at 56 yrs old has an 11 month old and not married to the mother and no plans to marry. Sis feels this whole custody thing is about one thing....MONEY. Ex sent a letter recently making demands, threats and tells her she better do everything his is asking or else type thing. She is willing to do joint and the child wants that...50/50 and to make the child support thing a wash. Her ex makes very good money on his own. I don't think her ex truly has the child's best interest at heart. Sis thinks after this summer the child will not like living with her ex and want to come home. I think a temporary agreement throughout the summer would be great and review things before school starts then come to an agreement as to what was working during that time and go from there.
Sorry that you are going through this with your son. Your concerns have merit and I also saw how ex's can manipulate a child into thinking things which are not true. Good Luck and love your son and be there for him when needed.
| someday |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/12/08 08:49 AM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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Thank you sadie46 for responding. It is good to know that there are people out there that can relate to my pain. My son is 16 right now and he/his dad want joint custody. Same deal- Dad has no rules and allows him to be a "man". He is my son's "friend". The sad part is my son is SOOOO hateful toward his sister and I. We have become the enemy. I can't give up though. STUPID courts will probably give him his way - despite the fact that he has been in contempt of the CO, he won't return my son, and he's already initiated transfering schools. I'm so tired of all this!!! I guess I do have a comment to your sis. It will only get worse. My son started this about age 14 ( his dad moved 15 min away 5 yrs ago - 2 years after I got married again. He was living across the US for 3+ years). His dad has been working on him for this long -waiting- until my son is LOW MAINTENANCE (can drive himself around). My son said I want to go to dad's when "I don't like it here." -which means No rules! I suggest only that your sister not give joint custody - u don't have to. AND be there for your sis because the worst is yet to come. MONEY, CONTROL, HATE -it all has a role in these two situations. Thxs again. Hope to hear more.
| sunnyday |
| (member) |
| 06/12/08 10:07 AM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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Hello - my Ds is 13. About a week ago while I was putting away laundry I overheard ex tell my ds (ds talks to his dad on his cell with it on speakerphone- I have no idea why)that I was keeping him from ds and that he would soon have to tell a judge that he wants to live with him. I was really hurt. I knew ex talked that way about myself and my dh to the kids but it was a smack in the face to really hear it. Thing is I hadnt kept ex from the kids nor withheld any visits so I dont know what he is talking about. With my ex it also seems to always revolve around money. He is constantly adding a comment on how much cs I get to all his emails. Plus he travels frequently and cancels his mid week visit often so I am not comfortable with the idea of ds staying over there alone. Even this week when the kids got home from their overnight wed morning none of them were bathed nor had they eaten and they were all like zombies at 9:30 am because ex lets them stay up as late as they want so it was after midnight when they went to bed. Yesterday ds got angry and said he was glad he was going to his dads this weekend but it was only after I took XBOX away because he was so wound up playing it with his sis they were pummeling each other. Ex is fun dad with no rules and I am just mom who makes him clean his room and OMGOODNESS - BATHE!!!
oh and my ex moved .24 of a mile away from me. So the man that belittled me and put me down for years is now practically my neighbor who I know for a fact often drives slowly by our house and looks in our windows to see what we are doing (even when he has the kids which is weird). I know what your going through - and I know what you mean by money control and hate playing a huge factor. Sad and tiring but true.
| sadie46 |
| (member) |
| 06/13/08 08:19 AM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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Someday this sounds exactly like what sis is going through. Her ex wants full, but to come to her house after school and when he needs a babysitter kind of deal. Says she needs to "share her wealth" for son a car and college. Sis got $350 a month in support based on his $70K+ salary. He is IRS for 25 years. She never modified it, even loaned ex $5K. Ex has moved 16 times in 10 years, BK twice, married the woman left sis for 3 times in 5 years, and now has this new illigitimate baby. Ex son has treated her horrible recently and they were tight tight all those years. Good grades well liked sports kid and things are not good now. She never modified and even loaned him $5K. She fell apart when he filed something under misconduct. Doing this just to win. She did say that son was cursing her and yelling at her a few months ago and she did slap him which is wrong, but not criminal. She knows it was not right and will never do again. Other than that nothing. Ex bailed right after born abouts. She waited 15 years to have him. Got married at 18, he was 31. Ex didn't like the fact that sis took to much time away from ex to be with baby, so he left her for another woman. He is a mommy's boy kinda man. I did call him a few months ago to ask what was going on and he started in on me. Saying that if sis doesn't do what she is told he will hurt her but not physically. He too acts like the child and him are buddy's now. Son is easy to take care of per se these days but cost alot more. Sis knows what it is all about, and knows her ex is using the son for money. The way it looks he wants a $700 swing his way..no support of $350 to her and her pay him $350. I did tell her that she must let go over some of the control she had...protective too much and let him learn from his mistakes. I also said to set some rules down so that the son just doesn't think he can do anything he wants..which is what he is doing now. Playing parents. Her ex has also told son all kinds of things that are adult things...law etc and then makes him tell sis what the law will do. I think it is terrible. She is so torn anymore. I'm sorry that things like this go on. Thank god my kids were grown...but ex still plays them like a fiddle against me. He is the most evil man I know. Wish you the best.
| greeneyes |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/14/08 05:16 PM |
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My daughter is 9..
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and my ex is telling her that when she is older, she can choose were she lives. I told my daughter that, if that were to happen, it wouldn't be for a long time. And that depending on the age, judges will listen to a child's wishes but the judge still makes the final decision. And a judge can say no to what she wants.
I'm not hurt, I'm angry. My ex shouldn't be telling our daughter this.
I hear you on the fun dad - I deal with this all the time and it is frustrating. But when my daughter is older, she'll realize who was actually around for the important things in life and it wasn't her father.
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/15/08 12:38 PM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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[quote]Thank you sadie46 for responding. It is good to know that there are people out there that can relate to my pain. My son is 16 right now and he/his dad want joint custody. Same deal- Dad has no rules and allows him to be a "man". He is my son's "friend". The sad part is my son is SOOOO hateful toward his sister and I. We have become the enemy. I can't give up though. STUPID courts will probably give him his way - despite the fact that he has been in contempt of the CO, he won't return my son, and he's already initiated transfering schools. I'm so tired of all this!!! I guess I do have a comment to your sis. It will only get worse. My son started this about age 14 ( his dad moved 15 min away 5 yrs ago - 2 years after I got married again. He was living across the US for 3+ years). His dad has been working on him for this long -waiting- until my son is LOW MAINTENANCE (can drive himself around). My son said I want to go to dad's when "I don't like it here." -which means No rules! I suggest only that your sister not give joint custody - u don't have to. AND be there for your sis because the worst is yet to come. MONEY, CONTROL, HATE -it all has a role in these two situations. Thxs again. Hope to hear more. [/quote]
If your son can drive, he is certainly old enough to decide who he lives with and since he is a minimum of 16, the judge will most likely go along with it.
You are only the "enemy" because you have turned yourself into one.
| someday |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/15/08 05:57 PM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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You sound like a personal friend off my EX or your just a small person that attempts to hurt people just to make yourself feels strong. If your a man and not a women maybe your body part must be....... stay the heck out of the "Women's Rights" section and find a more positive thing to do ----- like go fishing or something.
| someday |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/15/08 06:20 PM |
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Re: My daughter is 9..
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greeneyes - I think I'm getting a little tired and angry as well. The tears have stopped flowing so heavily. I figure there is not much I can do anymore - just wait until the judge makes his decision.
| googledad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/16/08 10:10 PM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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My sis is going through this at this time. Her ex is sending papers for change of custody. Nephew is 13. Only child and she has raised him since 2 as primary. She is so depressed and hurt. I tried to tell her that this is pretty normal for that age to want to go live with Dad. The problem about this whole thing is that Dad is not going to be around much to supervise and allows alot of freedom and sis has already seen her son get caught up with the wrong kids and doing juvenile activities. That is one reason why her son wants to live with Dad.
>>>>>> An opinion , perhaps the child wants to spend time with their other parent to make up for " lost time " .
Her ex not only requested the change based on son's preference but also to make sis look bad her threw in some deal about misconduct. She has no idea what he is talking about. Sis is a sthm mother and her husband has a very good job.
>>>>>>> So ? She's a SAHM mother for a 13year old ?
Ex is seeking full custody with her visitation, him to not pay support anymore and requesting child support from her.
>>>>>>>> Did she seek CS from him as primary custodial parent ?
He goes on and on about how she can make this great living. Out of work force now for 6 yrs.
>>>>>> How is she supporting her child ?
Her ex at 56 yrs old has an 11 month old and not married to the mother and no plans to marry.
>>>>>>> So ?
Sis feels this whole custody thing is about one thing....MONEY.
>>>>>>> I take it she waived CS because it wasn't about money ?
Ex sent a letter recently making demands, threats and tells her she better do everything his is asking or else type thing. She is willing to do joint and the child wants that...50/50 and to make the child support thing a wash.
>>>>>>> What prevented her from sharing 50/50 & no CS earlier ? Was it only good as long as she received a weekly check ?
Her ex makes very good money on his own.
>>>>>> Your sister might have made a good living if she hadn't decided to abandon ther workforce for 6 years .
I don't think her ex truly has the child's best interest at heart.
>>>>>>>> But she did when deciding to seek primary custody & CS ?
Sis thinks after this summer the child will not like living with her ex and want to come home.
>>>>>>>>>> Wishful thinking .
I think a temporary agreement throughout the summer would be great and review things before school starts then come to an agreement as to what was working during that time and go from there.
>>>>>>> Is his how custody was decided initially ?
Sorry that you are going through this with your son. Your concerns have merit and I also saw how ex's can manipulate a child into thinking things which are not true. Good Luck and love your son and be there for him when needed.
>>>>>>>> Funny how NCPs manipulate custody to get out of CS but CPs that face paying CS themselves decide that 50/50 and no CS is apropriate .
| googledad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/16/08 10:12 PM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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You reap what you sow . I agree with Relayer 100% .
| cycler63 |
| (newbie) |
| 06/18/08 04:34 PM |
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Re: My teenager is leaving me to be with his dad
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Dear Someday,
I am a man and am going through the same thing you are only reversed due to my kids being girls. See my post "being denied visitation" in child custody section. I DO KNOW YOU HURT. I myself hurt, these are humans, not weapons of warfare. I very much beleive PAS (Parental Ailienation Syndrom) exists yet the courts (and attorneys) love to see the fight continue ($$$ cha-ching $$$). You are not alone, males go through this too. And what I'm tired of are the women's advocates stating we are only mad because we have to pay child support. That is BS. I myself have never been late or behind, yet I have to continue to have to litigate a relationship. Shouldn't be this way.
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/19/08 12:48 PM |
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BINGO!
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>>>>>or your just a small person that attempts to hurt people just to make yourself feels strong<<<<<
;)
You'll note the one agreeing with him/it as well. Neither of them took the time to bother with real feelings or advice of any type...just a slam fest. It MUST make them feel good, somehow, in some small (I mean very small) way. I guess you have to be sadistic in order to understand sadistic behavior though.
A lot of kids want to go see "how the other half lives" when they get into the teen years. They're hoping rules will be more lax there, they're hoping to find something they think they're missing, they're hoping for a lot of things. And the parent that wasn't around all those other years suddenly wants to either play parent now, or manipulate the other parent. When its a combo of a teen wanting the lax parent and the parent wanting to manipulate the other parent, that's when you generally get into situations of PAS.
But you had 14 years with him. That isn't going to rub off entirely in 2. He's going to enjoy the freedom he might now be getting with dad. He's going to ditch mom...because he can, because he can get by with it. But he's going to turn 18, become an adult, eventually being to act like an adult, eventually realize who really was THERE for him all that time...and who stepped in as Johnny on the spot at the 11th hour. If you were a good mom, he'll come back to that. If dad was a bad dad, he'll remember that too. In the end, the good guys might finish last, but we DO finish. ;)
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/19/08 12:56 PM |
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Re: My daughter is 9..
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When my daughter was 14-15, her dad, whom she hadn't seen since she was 5, decided he wanted to play dad again. He starts emailing/calling her. He puts all kinds of ideas in her head. She wants to go visit him. My parents and I worked on getting her out there. I couldn't go and WOULDN'T send her 1,000 miles away on a bus alone...which is what her dad wanted to happen...at my expense but of course. So my parents drove her out there and stayed in a motel for a week.
Dad lies to her and tells her I'm taking over $300 out of each paycheck. Turned out he was being garnished where he lost a personal lawsuit. My CS order was only for $100/mo. and wasn't being collected half the time it was owed. He had her head filled with all kinds of crap, until....until the idiot showed his true colors. He got mad at her the way he used to get mad at me. He grabbed her the way he used to grab me. He manhandled her the way he used to me. He locked her out of his house then reported her as a runaway.
Believe it or not, she tried one more time after that. When she was an adult and married, she allowed him into her home. He stole from her. That's all it took. Bye bye dad.
Eventually, the kids wise up. That, or, the parents who should never be parents DON'T wise up. They keep acting the same way they did that caused them to be divorced most likely and yet their kids are growing up while they don't. Eventually, there's gonna be a clash. It's fun for a bit. But when the fun wears off, they come back to the one who supported them, who cared for them...the one with the rules.
| googledad |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/19/08 10:52 PM |
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Re: BINGO!
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You'll note the one agreeing with him/it as well. Neither of them took the time to bother with real feelings or advice of any type...just a slam fest. It MUST make them feel good, somehow, in some small (I mean very small) way. I guess you have to be sadistic in order to understand sadistic behavior though.
>>>>>>>>>> This is a message board not a love fest . Of course you NEVER slam a poster . How does it feel to be sadistic yourself ?
One of the things that bothers me most is hypocrisy . I have a major problem with people that insist on sole ( or primary ) custody and CS and then find a million reasons when circumstances change that they shouldn't be required to pay because the other parent is " only in it for the money " . It's even more outlandish when they suddenly " see the light " and offer 50/50 and no CS when there's a chance they'll pay when they've always had that option .
BTW , my ex consistantly tell our 8 year old daughter( but not our 11 year old son ) how much she wants to live with her . Unfortunately her statements mean little when she'll cancel scheduled visitation because she " needs to go find a new boyfriend this weekend" .
| almostheaven |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/20/08 09:43 AM |
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Re: BINGO!
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>>>>>>>>>> This is a message board not a love fest .<<<<<<
It's also not a slam fest. But that's what too many people use it for exclusively.
>>>>> Of course you NEVER slam a poster . How does it feel to be sadistic yourself ? <<<<<<
Yes I do, when it warrants. First time posters who haven't even said enough to warrant any negativity though...no. I don't slam JUST to be slamming, or to make myself feel good. I feel just fine without trying to make new posters feel miserable that they dared to ask a question.
>>>>>One of the things that bothers me most is hypocrisy . I have a major problem with people that insist on sole ( or primary ) custody and CS and then find a million reasons when circumstances change that they shouldn't be required to pay because the other parent is " only in it for the money " . It's even more outlandish when they suddenly " see the light " and offer 50/50 and no CS when there's a chance they'll pay when they've always had that option . <<<<<
But then THEY know the other parent...YOU don't. They've HAD custody, now suddenly the other parent wants full, when they've not wanted it before, or even wanted any perhaps. They've been privvy to a lot more of the other parent's actions. If you were upset at your own ex because you'd TRIED to get custody over and over and/or TRIED to get her to work out 50/50 with you, then you FINALLY get custody and she get's PO'd and swears you're just in it for the money, that's fine. You know YOUR ex. You KNOW she's just talking out her butt. But you DON'T know the OP's ex. Their claim that he's in it for the money may be spot on. Why don't you strike up a conversation with them and find out what has led them to believe their ex is only trying to get out of CS?
>>>>>BTW , my ex consistantly tell our 8 year old daughter( but not our 11 year old son ) how much she wants to live with her . Unfortunately her statements mean little when she'll cancel scheduled visitation because she " needs to go find a new boyfriend this weekend" . <<<<<
Like I said, you know YOUR ex. If my ex had ever wanted custody, it WOULD have been all about the money. You'd have no doubt claimed I was being a hypocrite too. But if I took the time to sit here and hash out all the reasons why I KNEW he'd just be doing it for the money, you'd probably seriously wonder what the hell was wrong with my ex. Like I haven't wondered that a million times myself.
Your daughter is going to grow up knowing mommy kept cancelling, and knowing mommy's flakey. And mommy will pay for it in the end. Maybe not today, not next year, but sometime down the line, she's going to regret how she's living her life now. And she's going to long for that relationship she sees you having with your daughter, but she's not going to get it, because she didn't invest the years.
| someday |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/20/08 11:41 PM |
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Re: BINGO!
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Almost heaven, you truly seem like you got it together. I appreciate what you've said. You are right about the ex's - know one can possibly understand the person I'm dealing with. I would never pass judgement on anyone's personal situation. I needed some validation of my reactions, my tears, my frustrations and this message board seemed safe.
Interesting to hear other reactions.
---- I just need to get through this. I know my son misses me. I've been there for EVERYTHING. We had a good relationship but I just wasn't his "friend" - I was his parent/mother. Thank you Thank you so much.
| rnmom34 |
| (member) |
| 06/21/08 09:43 AM |
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Re: BINGO!
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My son will be 16 this winter & that is what his dad keeps saying "he is old enough to decide" yes, but only if he has stable housing a means to support him (straight from the judge)another factor that played in was "if he did care enough all these years to be involved in his education he most likely will not start" (again from the judge). I do not have primary we have joint, we do have a hearing Tue. for that. But my point is don't always believe what x's tell you. I have no problem with my son living with his dad IF he had a place to live (he is staying in his parents old place that is in foreclosure or with this person or that) and had been involved in his schooling all them times he as been informed and asked to be (hell even 1/2 of them) and if he could at least support himself. I understand the desire for them to go, they have lenient rules, no chores, no punishments. I truly feel for you and I hope all goes well for your child.
| Relayer |
| (Carpal \'Tunnel) |
| 06/22/08 09:35 PM |
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Re: BINGO!
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[quote]
One of the things that bothers me most is hypocrisy . I have a major problem with people that insist on sole ( or primary ) custody and CS and then find a million reasons when circumstances change that they shouldn't be required to pay because the other parent is " only in it for the money " . It's even more outlandish when they suddenly " see the light " and offer 50/50 and no CS when there's a chance they'll pay when they've always had that option .
--> Kind of funny how that happens
BTW , my ex consistantly tell our 8 year old daughter( but not our 11 year old son ) how much she wants to live with her . Unfortunately her statements mean little when she'll cancel scheduled visitation because she " needs to go find a new boyfriend this weekend" . [/quote]
--> Bottom line is this young man is 16 and at that age, a close male influence is extremely important to his future development as a man. Of course, many women on this board think all men are evil (such as AH). He's 16, he's driving around, he old enough to have a job and by that age, no one is going to all of a sudden turn anyone else into an "enemy". That is the perception of the 16 year old. And at that age, if he hasn't learned to form his own opinions, a change is even more warranted. He has 2 years left before he can be on his own anyway. Her fighting this is simply going to make it worse when he IS an adult..it's not like this kid is 12 or something. Of course, Dad has to be turned into the "bad guy"
As yes, CS is warranted in ANY case where there is a CP and NCP, regardless. SAHM or not, the other one will need to get a job. Thats what a judge will say to a man and women are no different (supposedly).
| someday |
| (recently joined) |
| 06/24/08 10:28 AM |
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Re: BINGO!
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[quote][quote]
Bottom line is this young man is 16 and at that age, a close male influence is extremely important to his future development as a man.
---->That close male does not need to be a "man" of my ex's type or calibur. Is it just as fair for the women in this forum to say that your daughter (if u have one) should not be with you because she needs a women in her life. If your ex is a woman that I would not think highly of then I would NEVER assume to put your situation in a category and tell you that your daughter needs to be with her mother - BAD ROLE MODEL OR NOT!!!
Of course, many women on this board think all men are evil (such as AH).
---->NO - you presume you know how we feel and what we have been through. You think that women are suppose to be sweet and kind and just deal with their ex's NO MATTER how badly they or their children are treated (my ex has gone to 3 of my daughters softball, volleyball, and horse competitions in THREE YEARS and he lives 15 minutes away)
He's 16, he's driving around, he old enough to have a job and by that age, no one is going to all of a sudden turn anyone else into an "enemy".
---->That is why my son, his sports coaches and other "gentlemen" figures in his life have told him he needs to "fix things" with his mother - again you speak without listening and your knowledge of the situation is limited.
He has 2 years left before he can be on his own anyway.
---->yes, two more years to help him understand that SOME WOMEN want and deserve a loving husband or companion. AND I don't care who teaches him that, just that it can not be my ex because he doesn't know how -of course unless beating, cursing, and abusing of more than one women at a time and three different wives in 13 years is what being a "gentleman" is - or were ALL THREE wives "man haters"
Her fighting this is simply going to make it worse
---->"worse" - can it get worse!!!!!
Of course, Dad has to be turned into the "bad guy"
---->categorizing and assuming again!!!
As yes, CS is warranted in ANY case where there is a CP and NCP, regardless. SAHM or not, the other one will need to get a job. Thats what a judge will say to a man and women are no different (supposedly). [/quote]
---->QUESTION: why do you always talk about CS. If my ex took his money and...... (well I won't say it) I would be more than happy. BUT unlike the woman in Dallas, Texas whom he conceived a child with during his 2nd marriage - I figure he should help support his kids somehow. Although if he left and I never saw his face again - I would probably be the happiest woman on earth. BUT then I would be hurting my children - sooooo I guess CS is just part of the deal. AND again - why is it that CS is brought up so so so much. Note: I gave my ex CS during my son's stay and it truly didn't hurt me nor did it make him stop harrassing me. Maybe the issue isn't CS, it is how can my ex truly hurt me - WOW!!!!.... SURPRISE!!!! - MY CHILDREN!!!!
| Lanie4889 |
| (recently joined) |
| 07/10/08 10:40 PM |
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Re: BINGO!
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I know time has passed on this issue and I am hoping to encourage and share on this topic as opposed to being slammed or slamming (how scary). I too have a 16 year old who does not live with me. He choose to stay with his father a year ago. The emptiness inside me even after the year has past is still cavernous and to hear other teens call out for their mom's is sometimes too much for me. He does not live close either and for me to fly from Washington state to New York state takes a lot out of my wallet with my income. No, I am not looking for sympathy because compared to some stories I've read, I'm lucky, but I do want to share and help through relating my experience. My husband is also a 'not so nice guy' who used physical, emotional and verbal ammunition to control - but I do believe there exist very nice men who don't - it just so happens my husband was not one(I choose him). The fear of having a son turn his hurt from a divorce into hate is something both women and men feel and I do believe without a doubt, physical, emotion and verbal abuse is applicable in reverse roles - women abusing men. So please don't read too much into my statement. I happen to be a women who choose a man and allowed a person to control me without standing up for myself or my children. I do own that and all that reaps from it. But with this said, the pain of separation is real and the fear of having a child take their hurt and fester it, is truly scary. He won't talk to me, ignores me, I can't call him because when I do his father gets upset and goes on and on about how bad I was. He doesn't need that, so I stick to sending him emails and putting notes in envelopes with packs of gum he likes. I also send gifts and play online games with him - I'm terrible, but try hard not to loose my character in a battle. I took on a second job to travel more and get braces on his teeth. I find the worst part of this separation is that I don't cook or clean for him anymore. There's no echos of 'Mom, can you make me a BLT', or 'Mom, can we play a game'ringing through my home anymore. Also, another experience you may relate to is that I can't seem to enjoy myself or let myself enjoy life since I know living with a person who needs validation and control is hard. He's already run from his house twice. Funny part of this whole issue is out of the five children my ex-mother in law had, he was the only one that hits. My in laws are very loving to my son (thank goodness) and my ex mother in law is a wonderful lady - she still talks to me despite the torent of fire she gets from my ex from doing so. I am lucky. He will be ok and I have all confidence that the years I spent with him and will spend with him in the future, will not go without influencing his future. I count on that.
Hang in there. The court, though sometimes seen as 'bad' do work for you and they are good. I have also come to believe that we all go though stages and so will our children. Life will wear down that wall that built between because I believe love conquers all.