blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/07/05 11:18 AM
Feeling caged

Hey all, I'm new here and I am just looking for some outside veiws on my situation. I know that someone has probably gone through this same thing,if not then it would be a very simular situation, to what I am going through. So, here goes...

I am a mother of a beautiful two year old (going to be three in July) daughter. Her father and I have been together for about ten years, married going on three. We were highschool sweet hearts, and we are both still young. He just turned 24 and I will be 23 this May. My problem is this: early on in the marrige he threatened to hit me. It had occured over something so stupid; something so small and insignificant. I hadn't made vegtables with dinner adn he was tired and frustrated from work so he took it out on me after I had let him sleep through the meal. Anyway, its been two years since that first time and since then he has threatened to hit me a total of five times. He has also threatened our daughter in frustration. This had occured when she was but a few months old, just starting to motor around and learn about her environment. He and I have talked about it, he doesn't see why it is such a big issue for me and why I cannot just forgive him for the things that he has said to me. Just as well, beyond the threats I have undergone a lot of emotional abuse. When we get into arguments or when he becomes depressed, or just in a shitty mood, I become selfish, selfcentered and uncaring all around. I've only recently started to realize that I am better then all of this. I have only recently begun to realize how unhappy I am with my situation, and with him.

So..any advice from those who have been here before is gladly welcomed. I don't like being afraid and I hate feeling worthless and selfish even more. Thanks for your time, sorry for the long post. Be safe and well all.


almostheaven
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
02/07/05 01:41 PM
Will he do marital counseling?...

I would suggest that route first. If he won't go, go to counseling for yourself. And if you ultimately decide it has to be over, there is help out there. But counseling may help his anger and help you to forgive his past anger as well. It may not. But it will be cheaper than a divorce in the long run, so should be the first solution to try.

blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/07/05 04:17 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

After arguing with him over the prospect he agreed that we could seek counseling together. He truly does not see the need for it, though. I have been searching our area for practices that wont cost us an arm and a leg to participate in and have not been having much luck.

In the meantime I am taking some time away from the relationship. I am going to stay with my sister a few states away for a month in order to get my head cleared a bit of the situation and to perhaps figure out what I truly want from this relationship.


almostheaven
(Carpal \'Tunnel)
02/07/05 05:48 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

Look up County, City, or State run clinics with counseling services. They base their costs on your income. You can pay anywhere from $0 to full price...which is still generally cheaper than private care.

daphyne
(journeyman)
02/07/05 09:56 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

I would also consider turning to a church in your area - the pastor may provide some counseling - if they don't they usually work with area agencies who specialize in counseling and sometimes with their referral you can get reduced fees.

aussie928
(old hand)
02/07/05 11:05 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

(quote) He truly does not see the need for it, though (quote)

G'day luv, someone once said that admitting you have a problem is 50 percent of the solution. You can try this and not saying you shouldnt..just dont get your hopes up to high unless within the first couple of meetings he starts singing another tune. I certainly hope that if you are going out of town...you are taking the wee one with you.


blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/08/05 09:54 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

The young'un is not coming with me on the trip. She will be staying with him and his father's family while I am away. He sees it as a precautionary measure. If she is with him then I will have to come back home when he comes to pick me up in April ( he has threatened to take her away from me should I decide that I am not coming home). That, and he said he needs something to look forward to when he gets done with work at the end of the day. If I take her with me then he will feel he has no purpose.

As far as seeing a pastor for counseling goes, I am not too sure how comfortable I would feel going to a man of the cloth about my situation due to religous differences.


aussie928
(old hand)
02/08/05 10:19 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

G'day luv...you need to really rethink this last part about not taking the wee one with you. I wish you all the luck in trying to make this work..but should it not..in some states he can use the fact that you left the wee one behind for a month against you in custody issues.

I am not saying this is your case...but I have seen cases where one is all of a sudden willing to go to counseling or whatever (when they have fought this for years) and really what they are doing is positioning themselves for a divorce.


blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/08/05 10:44 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

I have thought about that, as well. I am not entirely comfortable with leaving her up here. Her father isn't the most attentive man in the world -- not that I am perfect at taking care of her, but I do do my best. I have spoken with him about taking her down with me, he has declined, though, saying that he already has things set up to where she will be looked after during the day while he is at work. He has also said that it would be better for me to leave her up here, that way I will get the time away from her that I need, as well as the free time I desire to have with my sister. I've agreed because I wont take his daughter away from him. As much as she needs me, she needs him as well...I know it may go badly in the future for me. But if he wants her that badly, no matter how much it would kill me, as long as she is taken care of he can have custody of her.

daphyne
(journeyman)
02/08/05 12:10 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

[As far as seeing a pastor for counseling goes, I am not too sure how comfortable I would feel going to a man of the cloth about my situation due to religous differences.]
Understandable, just wanted you to know as an option that they work with alot of different agencies and sometimes provide additional funding for this. (I work at a church and know some of the ins and outs of their operations). I hope I didn't offend you by offering this as a suggestion, I certainly didn't mean to. I guess I don't see the Pastor that I work with as a man of the cloth because he's about as common as they come, down to earth person. I could walk into his office, jump up and down, cuss and carry on and he wouldn't blink an eye! He's seen it all, heard it all, and then some! Hang in there...I'll keep you in my thoughts......


ohiomom
(journeyman)
02/08/05 12:40 PM
Re: Feeling caged

[quote] He has also threatened our daughter in frustration. This had occured when she was but a few months old, ---- I have undergone a lot of emotional abuse.[/quote]

so your husband threatened to hurt your infant daughter, AND is emotionally abusive... did I understand you correctly?
yet you still said:


[quote] But if he wants her that badly, no matter how much it would kill me, as long as she is taken care of he can have custody of her. [/quote]

Even if he never physically lays a hand on your daughter, the threats and emotional abuse alone are enough to cause her serious problems... problems that won't necessarily go away, ever.
Assuming you are still married and have no court orders saying otherwise, he can NOT keep you from taking your daughter with you.


blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/08/05 03:07 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

Daphyne, you did not offend me at all by suggesting what you did. I have thought about it, my mother was the one who suggested that I go that route instead of looking for a counseling service. I just don't know how comfortable that would be for me being of a paganistic religion.

Ohiomom, this is one of the things I am having difficulty with. One of the reasons why I am uncomfortable with leaving her up here, at the same time I do not wish to take his daughter away from him. He has every right, just as I do, to see her and to have her in his life. I love her too much to turn her into a barganing chip should things continue on the road they are on between he and I. She is an innocent and has done nothing to deserve such a thing...


ohiomom
(journeyman)
02/08/05 05:47 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

[quote]One of the reasons why I am uncomfortable with leaving her up here, at the same time I do not wish to take his daughter away from him. He has every right, just as I do, to see her and to have her in his life. I love her too much to turn her into a barganing chip should things continue on the road they are on between he and I. She is an innocent and has done nothing to deserve such a thing... [/quote]

That is a great thing (that you feel that way) - but if you are serious about him being emotionally abusive, then for your daughter's emotional well being, you need to protect her from him. Yes she needs her father in her life, but she does NOT need someone (regardless of who that 'someone' is) who does not treat her with love & respect. ...think about it this way, whatever she grows up with, is what she'll look for in her own relationships.

I wish you the best in resolving all of this. :)


blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/10/05 08:52 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

Thank you all for the suggestions and concern, first off. Secondly, would he not be able to use me taking her with me against me should we not be able to work this out in the future? Could he not take the fact that I had her with me for a month away from him and use that against me as well?

aussie928
(old hand)
02/10/05 09:26 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

G'day luv. As long as there is not an order that says one of you cant take her...he cant stop this. You can say this was a trial separation to both clear your heads to see if you could work this out. He could use it against you however if you dont and I think that is what he has in mind.

So much of what the courts hear is he said she said...so they have to look at what makes sense and what doesnt.

The fact is luv..if you leave the wee one with her father you are not going to be taken seriously if you use any abuse charges against him. If he was really abusive you wouldnt be leaving the wee one alone with him for a month now would you.


blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/10/05 09:51 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

He wont be alone with her, though. He is going to go stay with his father and his sister while I am away. He says he cant stand the thought of being in the house without me here. Jenni, my daughter, will be there a majority of the time, looked after by his father and step-mother.

On top of that, I will be taking a bus. A day and so many hours is quite a long time for a child to be sitting still, surrounded by people she doesnt know. As well as, the place where I am going isn't fit for a child of her age. The home I will be staying at has a lot of sharp objects (my sister and her fiance collect knives of all sorts and sizes), they lack heat and hot water (which I can do without if need be, but it wouldnt be good for the young one) and they live with a few other people. So space is kind of limited.

I know there may be some bad reprocussions to this, realisticly there may be many.


aussie928
(old hand)
02/10/05 10:09 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

my hell...then tell me again why you are leaving..to spend some time alone to decide what you want to do and then you say he is not even going to be staying in the house but with his father. Then why not have him go stay at his fathers and you stay in the house with the wee one. Now if he says he will not do this..then you KNOW he is setting you up...

blessingsdragon
(recently joined)
02/10/05 10:17 AM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

I haven't seen my sister in five months. So my trip is doubling as a way for me to get some time with her, as well as for me to get my head cleared from the sitaution. He is not happy at all about me going, saying that others are telling him I am going away simply to meet with someone and to cheat on him. But he wont deny me the ability of seeing my sister, my twin, because he knows that will not improve things between us. I would leave him in a heart beat if he ever told me that I could not see my sister, no matter how far away she lived from me. Blood is blood, I may always be able to find a man, but I will never have another twin.

ohiomom
(journeyman)
02/10/05 08:11 PM
Re: Will he do marital counseling?...

perhaps he can go stay with his father, and your sister can come stay with you?
If you WANT custody of your daughter, then I suggest you do not leave her for a month. and if your ex is truly abusive, and you leave your daughter with him, and he ends up getting custody of her, then I suggest you start saving your money now for the therapy she will need as an adult.



Contact Us Divorce Source Home

*
UBB.threads™ 6.5.1.1


Resources & Tools
Start Your Divorce Online Start Your Divorce
Several Options to Get Started Today.
Divorce Tools Online Divorce Tools
Keeping it Simple to Get the Job Done.
Divorce Downloads Download Center
Instantly Download Books, Guides & Forms.
Divorce and Custody Books Discount Books
Over 100 of the Best Divorce & Custody Books.
Negotiate Online Negotiate Online
Settle your Divorce and Save.
Custody and Support Tracking Custody Scheduling
Make Sure You Document Everything.

Easily Connect With a Lawyer or Mediator
Have Divorce Professionals from Your Area Contact You!
Enter Your Zip Code: