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azwoman
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Reged: 06/23/06
Posts: 6
Loc: Arizona
sex before divorce is final
      #132033 - 08/03/06 11:57 AM

My husband had been having an affair for 10 years, and after recently finding out I have filed for divorce. We are going to settle everything hopefully in a fair way. We have been married 34 years with 2 grown daughters. Recently I met a younger man in a class and have gone on one date. I am not getting younger so am wondering if I am doing the wrong thing since my divorce is not final. But on the other hand my husband has another woman. I am also very much attracted to this young man, but also know that I am a sensitive state just needing attention. Any advice? Of course my daughters don't think I should see anyone for a year or more. But I am 53 and want to start living now.

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Rebecca5
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 06/02/05
Posts: 11697
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Re: sex before divorce is final [Re: azwoman]
      #132038 - 08/03/06 12:07 PM

Most people have a rebound relationship. Just don't look at it as anything but that. Enjoy feeling desired...it's nice. :-)

While your daughters have opinions, of course...it's none of their business. I would probably opt to not discuss it with them. "Thank you SO much for being concerned. I love you, too."

On a legal note....just make sure with your attorney that this cannot harm your proceedings any. As much as things with your STBX may seem amicable and fair....it often doesn't end that way by the time all the issues have been addressed.


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Annie7676
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Reged: 06/05/05
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Re: sex before divorce is final [Re: azwoman]
      #132151 - 08/03/06 06:51 PM

After being married to the same man for so long and having a man find you attractive has got to be a heady experience. I agree with Rebecca do not discuss with your daughters, adult or not...they are our kids and do not need to know the details AT ALL...period. And this relationship between you and this man is between you and this man...why does anyone else need to know that you are dating and your intimacy level? That is no one's business, you are how old? I started dating 6 months ago, I am 52 yrs old. My single friends were giving me all sorts of advice..but it bordered on things we learned as teenagers...dont let him do this on first date...don't do that...bottom line...you are not getting any younger...so whatever you feel comfortable with...I am not advocating promiscious behavior but life is for living, SAFELY of course. and then the rebound issue comes into play...they also warned me too...that this is the first guy you are dating so be careful...but at our age hopefully we are...after all we did the forever after....until death do us part....the kids...the marriage and lets see how well did that turn out?
Maybe girls just wanna have fun? Dating in your 50's can be lots of fun...keep it light, happy and enjoy...because tommorrow is promised to no one. (Sometimes I think women should just treat men the way some men treat women if that makes sense....) Good luck...your dating life and whatever goes on - it would seem to me is your business...unless your state has rules about things like this but most dont' anymore...


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azwoman
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Reged: 06/23/06
Posts: 6
Loc: Arizona
Re: sex before divorce is final [Re: Annie7676]
      #132160 - 08/03/06 07:20 PM

Thank you for your wisdom. I couldn't agree more, but at the same time have felt pressure from everyone around me. I absolutely love the advice because that has been my feeling. I have been told to wait at least a year to date. What? I am not getting any younger so why wait? But then I know I am still in a difficult place not being divorced so I am trying to be careful too. thanks again

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Debbie_L
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Reged: 06/06/05
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Re: sex before divorce is final [Re: azwoman]
      #132338 - 08/04/06 11:54 AM

The one year is a common guideline because you need some time to heal and get over the crap from the last relationship. More so than you probably realise. It is likely to poison any new possible relationship. If you just want someone to rebound with - then make sure that is his understanding too. You don't want to hurt someone else just to make yourself feel better. Good luck to you.

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Annie7676
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Dont understand why its difficult [Re: azwoman]
      #132428 - 08/04/06 03:41 PM

the dating because you are not divorced...the moment I found out there was OW, that was when the light went out or on should I say...I think the main concern for you is the rebound....to get hooked up real fast and for the wrong reasons...again coming out of a long term marriage and then having a man find you attractive is very exciting...as long as you keep it in perspective that this is new, wonderful and may not last...but then again it could...you should be fine...divorce takes a toll on us...studies, people on these boards, etc have shown that if you take your time and heal the future relationships with others work out better...but then again who really knows...just be careful and realize that what you may feel for this guy could be just plain lu$t. Again make it clear to yourself that you are having fun and to him, having fun....live for the moment...

Good luck


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unsure
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Reged: 07/31/06
Posts: 12
Loc: IL
Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: Annie7676]
      #134343 - 08/11/06 01:00 PM

I agree with everyone else. Be careful and live life to the fullest. Nobody is guarenteed tomorrow. Good luck!!!

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LinusluvsSally
addict


Reged: 08/23/06
Posts: 441
Loc: South Florida
Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: unsure]
      #142029 - 08/31/06 03:11 PM

Just have fun and don't worry about it. Live for the day and everything will work itself out tomorrow.

2 thoughts:

1) Be careful
2) Be discrete.


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Avaya
Carpal \'Tunnel
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Reged: 02/09/06
Posts: 9850
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Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: LinusluvsSally]
      #142272 - 09/01/06 11:55 AM

Don't have sex unless you remarry.

--------------------
Eternity is too long to be wrong.


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LinusluvsSally
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Reged: 08/23/06
Posts: 441
Loc: South Florida
Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: Avaya]
      #143951 - 09/07/06 01:08 PM

Yeah, what Avaya said. I wasn't actually talking about sex.

Sex without a license is B A D!

Who would honestly prefer sex without marriage to sex for fun anyways!

And no sampling the grapes before you check out of the grocery store, either. It's just not right!


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mommachele
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Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: LinusluvsSally]
      #143957 - 09/07/06 01:15 PM

uhhhh at 53 if she feels like sampling the grapes...I say go for it!!!

Chele


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CaymanCanuck
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Reged: 08/11/06
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Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: mommachele]
      #144110 - 09/07/06 04:51 PM

Go for it. Let the universe unfold as it will. Enjoy life while you can. I'm 50 and dated a 34yr old for a year after my husband left. Not only was he great company, he made me deliriously happy with his desire for me and with his own sexiness (especially after a number of years of celibacy within the marriage). He stitched together my shredded self-esteem and made me feel like a sexy woman instead of a reject.

We parted after a year for several reasons, not least of which was my paranoia that someone was going to take me for his mother!! We are still great friends and go out for lunch or dinner regularly.

I think at 50 or 53, worrying about whether you should let him feel you up on the second date is pretty silly. We're grown women.

You go girl!!

--------------------
**** I'm not a survivor, I'm a thriver!! ****


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starscollide
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Reged: 12/16/06
Posts: 1
Re: sex before divorce is final [Re: azwoman]
      #177999 - 12/16/06 05:35 PM

it doesnt matter if the sex comes before or after the final.
what does matter is if youre having sex on the rebound.
the urge is irresistable, no doubt, but you have to realize that you may be using someone to relieve your pain. i think that the sex should wait until you have healed emotionally.


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Redlegg
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Reged: 10/05/06
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Re: sex before divorce is final [Re: starscollide]
      #178069 - 12/17/06 07:21 AM

It is none of the childrens business, but you would give them advice in the same situation. Of course they might not listen as children often choose to do, but it may have to do with the age, In their view, how old are they, and you met him in class, so they may be closer to his age. I had the somewhat the same situation with my X. Of course her choice was an 18 year old kid that moved in, she was 41, and had her new tatto. It bothered our son because he was 16 at the time and did not like it. Our son was visiting her and she wanted him to stay. He said it was gross and has not been back. That was her interest for a few months, and it was over a year ago and our son will still not go back for any extended time. She said it was none of his business as well, and apparently he agrees and has chosen to make her basically none of his business. Funny thing is, I never said a word to her, but she was asking all her friends if it was ok. Kids don't need details, but maybe talking about it to them will help them understand. Trust your own judgement, and definitely find out if it could affect the divorce proceedings, but you know how you feel and I say if your good with it, go with it. You did not suddenly lose good judgement.

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DadNotBad
newbie


Reged: 11/14/08
Posts: 27
Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: LinusluvsSally]
      #475302 - 11/15/08 01:01 AM

My two cents, I was advised not to get into another relationship, physical or not until the divorce was finalized. Granted I'm on the 'dad' side of the fence, so dating or anything like that before it was final would look "bad" to my character.

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buckwheat
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Reged: 10/09/11
Posts: 86
Re: Dont understand why its difficult [Re: LinusluvsSally]
      #764916 - 10/14/11 04:21 PM

Dont listen to the prudes on here, they dont have quality sex anyway so what do they know?

I say go for it, like you said you aint getting any younger and who do you really have to answer too?


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