KaysMom
journeyman
Reged: 06/03/04
Posts: 65
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My D is 4 1/2 now, and asks a lot of questions about her father and his family. Her father has only seen her once... she was about 5 months old at the time, he saw her for 3 hours.
It's funny, no matter how much time you have to think this stuff through, no matter how prepared you are, you never actually are ready for the things they will ask. At least, that's what I find.
She has asked if she has any brothers or sisters, and I have told her that she does (her father has 3 other children). I had decided I didn't want to lie to her about any of this unless I absolutely had to. Not the smartest move on my part, because of course she wants to meet them, and that's not something I can arrange. So, she asks if they live with her Daddy, and I told her no, they live with their Mommy just like she lives with hers (I was *really* wishing this conversation would end at this point!) Well, do they get to see him? I don't know (a lie, they do). Why doesn't he come see me? Well, honey... he lives very far away and it's hard for him to get her (not *technically* a lie since he lives in FL to our NY, but in reality... he's just a lazy jerk who wants nothing to do with her unless he thinks it will hurt me) Why can't we go see him? Too far away, honey. Ok, let's call him. I don't have his phone number, honey (this is actually true, but there's a lot more to my "no" than that)
I just feel so badly. The truth is, her BF is a lying cheating snake who doesn't give two shakes of a rat's tail about her, except when she can be useful to him. He hates me so much he won't even try to see her. He comes up this way on business trips every few months, I've even offered to met him anywhere he wanted to and remove myself from the picture so that they can get to know each other, but there's always a reason why that won't work. He does pay CS (income deduction), and I've actually told our D about that... along the lines of "Your Daddy really wishes he could be here with you, but he can't... he does send me some money to help make sure you have everything you need, though, so he does what he can..." Maybe in the end I'm just setting her up for more hurt this way, but I can't stand to see the look on her face when she asks me if her Dad loves her.
I just don't know. (Sorry this is so disjointed, I'm in about 2938473 places at once today). I had this whole conversation planned out in my head, but she knocked it down right away by asking unexpected questions. Is it better to just stick with "I don't know, honey" responses when the answer is hurtful? At 4, anyway? Or to tell her some form of the truth and get her used to it? (assuming you believe that any one party in a confrontation can completely tell the truth... *as they remember*) Or do I paint her they fairy tale that she'll figure out is a crock of bull eventually anyway?
It doesn't help that I'm so tired, either... I haven't slept more than 3 hours in a row in 2 weeks (D's asthma is flaring up) Anyway, I just keep emphasizing the people in her life who adore her, and who always here for her. It's unfortunate that one of those people is not her father, but then, that's life.
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Steph13
journeyman
Reged: 06/07/05
Posts: 99
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Mine is 2 1/2 years old, and he hates me so much he is fighting for full custoday, have me pay child support, and have me set up for supervised visitations. Now mind you, our D has been living with me since her birth, BF has not seen her, has returned all letters and pictures of her, refuses to pay child support it is now being deducted after 5 months of refusing to pay according to the order and aggrement, fires his lawyer because she was not aggressive enough, Judge ordered us to go to mediation, I even suggested to go to the biggest park have her 11 year old sister walk her to him and his mother aaaalllll the way to the other side of the park, we set up supervised visitations, nothing is helping.
I know your pain, I understand your frustration, I dont knwo what to tell her when she get's that age. BF wrote me a letter and told me to give it to her when she is old enought and he is certain she will understand why he walked out on her. It is all my fault.
Love her, love her and love her some more, because I the end, the love in your heart for her and all the other folks she has in her life will make her the beautifull young lady she will one day become. NOT HIS WALKING OUT>
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KaysMom
journeyman
Reged: 06/03/04
Posts: 65
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Thanks, I hope you're right. It just breaks my heart when she asks me these questions because I'm pretty much stuck between a rock (the truth) and a hard place (fantasy land), and I know it's going to get harder, not easier. He signed over full custody to me without a murmur when she was an infant, but when I got tired of him holding CS over my head and went to court for it, *then* he fought. When she starts asking about him, we talk about how there are all sorts of families, and we go through the list of people who love her, and she always sticks in "and my Daddy". I know it's just a concept to her, it's nothing real, but it still makes me want to shake him. He has no idea what he's doing to this little girl.
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